A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

[the husband]

She has added a few little things to the repertoire, and I have as well - being sure to ask if it's okay. Nothing earth-shattering, but movement in the right direction.

There was a lot of housework to do last week, largely because I had been very sick for a week and nobody did anything extra to keep the place up. There was also some mandatory yard work because we live in a high fire danger area. I told everyone I needed help, but I found them all lounging in the house while I toiled, so I let them know how unfair this was. Privately I let my wife know I was especially disappointed in her lack of support both in her own effort and in pushing the kids to help. I shouldn't have to stop working to come in and whoosh people along. She agreed and said that, while she is no longer depressed, he motivation had still not returned. They all did come out to help and have somewhat improved over all.

[Fleur]

Hello The Husband

Congratulations for positively asking for assistance with great effect.

Perhaps another time it will be easier to get family co-operation
I hope so

Much caring

[the husband]

Thanks Fleur

They're talking a good game, but so far there is not much initiative. I am going easy just now because there were lots of milestones in the past week or so, but I'm going to need to see some follow-through this week. I've been working in therapy on caring more for myself, and this is one element that needs to change for my well-being. I enjoy hard work, but it's not fair that I do so much while others do nothing.

My wife has begun to show genuine interest in our sex life recently. There's more communication, more interaction, more playfulness. She says she's enjoying this aspect of our relationship now. I am cautiously optimistic.

[Fleur]

Your cautious optimism sounds positive, TheHusband

Agree that everyone in a household needs to do what they can to keep everything ticking properly
You're teaching youngsters that sharing a home means effort needed to assist others
Good training for future when they'll have own or shared accommodation

And it was a sense of family achievement when things went well , working together, in my past

Self care is extremely important because if you over exert yourself, you're headed for burnout
That won't be any good for you or others
Please look after yourself
Perhaps you could plan as a family what fun activities, events, you could attend
Or take each child in turn for a special treat to do something you both enjoy
As well as some "me only" and "parents only" time

Wishing you and your loved ones a happier, brighter week

[the husband]

My wife and daughter were away on a trip together. I couldn't go because my son had a job commitment, and besides it was very hot where they were and my frustration tolerance goes way down when the temperature is up.

I was hoping it would be rejuvenating for my wife, but not so much. Even accounting for jet lag she's not very energetic and dinner was left to me despite the fact I got home much later than she did. I'll give it a few days and then I'm going to have to talk about how her lack of motivation impacts me.

[Fleur]

Hello TheHusband

Hopefully your daughter enjoyed time shared with Mum, and your son being 1 on 1 with you

Wishing you very well for your friendly discussion

[the husband]

Thanks Fleur

In re-reading my post it sounds like I expected her to fly in and make dinner. Not so! At that point I had been making dinner for a week after they returned (and 2 weeks prior).

She did have a bit of a blowout that necessitated a family meeting (cheesy, I know, but the most effective way given what I had to work with) with good results. In private I did have a chance to advocate for myself and she did plan ahead and shop for dinners this week. That was helpful.

Part of the blowout was that she stated that I do not support her disciplining the kids. I reiterated that discipline needs to be consistent and consequences must be known and must fit the crime. We can't fail to hold the kids accountable for something that we have not been attending to, and then suddenly deliver ultimatums and pile on consequences until we're not angry anymore. I told her no, I would never support that, and that if she wants my support we should discuss things, rather than have her go rogue. We got some chore lists made and agreed upon, and cleared the air. For now.

[Fleur]

Hello TheHusband

Your wife sounds a bit like my Dad - rules, consequences changed at his whim
We kids never knew what would set him off
A terrifying state

Great that you can support your wife yet call her on anger related instances
Your children will be perhaps unknowingly thankful for your perception, intervention

Prior parental discussion is best for united front
My son would ask me, I'd say no, then he'd ask Dad, who said yes -- even if initially the answer was no
Children are smart to work out whom will assist in the moment

As a child, Mum would reply "what does your Dad say?" And Dad would ask "What does your mother say?" Used to drive me mad, but it was due to their trying to be united in responses

Wishing you and family a lovely weekend

[the husband]

Hi Fleur
Thank you for your reply. Somehow I missed it until today.

Things are sort of better in that the problems I addressed are improving, but there are other problems. My wife and teenage son keep getting into it and disturbing my daughter and I. He's being a teen-ager and . making some dumb time management and communication errors. She is back to being immediately tired and irritable. It makes coming home unpleasant. It's also hard on our daughter who tend to take responsibility for making everything OK.

[Fleur]

Hello TheHusband

Glad for improvements you've noticed

Relationships within family can be tricky
Is your son or daughter the older?
Wondering if sibling behaviour reflects son's inner world? Or part of "normal teenage changes"?

Agree about it being unfair on your daughter
Would it help son if he decided what changes to implement, with your encouragement?

Sounds unpleasant, for which I feel sad and sorry for you

Does your wife have a paid job as well?
If so, perhaps there is something upsetting her from her employment?

You do a great service to your family
Hope concerns can be resolved gently, soon as possible

Also hope you have quality time for yourself, to recharge batteries so to speak

Sent with wisdom , patience, whatever else you want, to discern how best to proceed