Dealing with Guilt/Anger inside

A discussion area for anyone who loves a survivor and needs some support of their own.

Moderators: Jonesy, Ashia

Post Reply
Notthere4her
Member
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 10:53 pm

Dealing with Guilt/Anger inside

Post by Notthere4her » Wed Oct 18, 2017 5:37 am

A question for those who are supporters of survivors…. Here is my story…

My world was upended and destroyed just out of high school, 30 yrs ago. As I left for college that fall, my HS sweetheart was SA. She had met a known couple and their friend while leaving a restaurant, but the other couple left later in the evening. The SA was never reported and the identity is unknown to me. She wouldn’t tell me who, just that it happened.

This revelation completely changed me, and I have been carrying around the guilt of not protecting her. I know it’s not my fault, I was very far away and there was nothing I could have done.

Fast forward to present day…. After meeting more and more women that have experienced the same thing, and the depressing number of others that have added the *metoo on social media it’s fueling me into a rage.

I still feel guilty and hate towards ALL perpetrators. And it is eating me up inside.

How have you dealt with the anger/pain and not resorted to behavior that is socially unacceptable?

chickadee
Member
Posts: 154
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:06 am
Location: Northeast U.S.

Re: Dealing with Guilt/Anger inside

Post by chickadee » Wed Oct 18, 2017 5:57 pm

Notthere4her,
Welcome. I'm sorry for the reasons that bring you here, but am glad to make your aquaintance.

I don't have an answer for you, but will share some of my experience, in case you find any of it to be useful.

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. This summer I remembered S.A. from my childhood. It was the first time I named what happened. I had never known what it was before. I told my husband and in some ways, he had a more difficult time dealing with it than me.

To me, it felt like a relief to name it, to realize what happened. It explains why I am the way I am, and gives me hope that now that I know, I can work toward healing.

It was devastating to my husband. He is filled with anger toward my abuser. So much so, that twice he had to be talked out of violently confronting my abuser. My h is not a violent man, and has never hurt anyone. He is in therapy, and his psychiatrist calls this "righteous anger". He has every right to feel anger - not to act on it, but to feel it. He was not there to protect me when I was a child, and this is very difficult for him.

I have been writing a letter to my family to tell them about the abuse, to 'out' my abuser. This is healing for me, but I believe it will also be healing for my h. My h knows about this, and is supportive of my letter writing.

I'm not sure of any of this is helpful, as all people and situations are different. Please take what you wish and discard the rest.

Wishing you peace,
- chickadee
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian

chickadee

Notthere4her
Member
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 10:53 pm

Re: Dealing with Guilt/Anger inside

Post by Notthere4her » Thu Oct 19, 2017 6:14 am

Chickadee,

Thank you for sharing and I wish you well on your journey. I have never been to a therapist, and highly unlikely i will seek one out. The crowdsourced (forum) may be the best way at this point.

Also, your reply provides an expanded viewpoint; as I also secretly harbor minor resentment towards the survivors for holding out identifying information on the perps. If I actually acted out it wouldn't solve anything... it's an internal demon that I really need to deal with. Like your husband, I'm the nicest person ever... until violence against a women is encountered.

I will explore 'righteous anger' and provide a response in the future....

Thank you again

Notthere4her

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests