Crap parent

[Diver]

I just can't handle my son. His teachers and everyone at his preschool say he is a delight and they love him and he is the sweetest. And he really can be. But with me it is constantly I want, whining, complaining, screaming and demanding. He has started hitting me a little when he is angry. I yell and scream at him and lose my cool all the time. I try so hard to be patient and calm and nice and it just reaches a point where I can't tolerate it any more. I rant and rage at him. I don't want to spank him but I sometimes end up doing that. He doesn't listen to me anymore. I tell him something to do, something simple and he just won't listen at all. It's like he is ignoring me. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I can't complete a sentence or a thought. He interrupts me during everything, bathroom, phone call, cooking, showering, anything and everything. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of yelling at him. I know he must feel terrible. I feel so guilty I hate myself so much. He is asleep and I finally have some space from him and all I do is think about how horrible I was to him all day.
He was hysterical over me trying to put a bandaid with baking soda on a splinter. Hysterical. I couldn't even do anything. Now it will get infected and I'm going to hear more whining and screaming over it.
I have no control over my emotions and I have passed that on to my son. He won't play by himself at all. I don't know how to get him comfortable playing on his own. We have a house now and he has a huge yard he can go play in anytime. I know he is young, I know he is probably a little stressed over the move and I know my behavior and mood has an effect on him. I just can't get control, and I don't know how to parent him effectively. I feel guilty and terrible when he cries. I do tell him no and I try to have limits but I don't want him to hate me. I know he probably hates me because I scream at him so much.
I can't talk to my husband. He doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to listen to me. I have a therapist but I can't make it to see him every week and am still hurting so bad over losing old T.
Ugh. Sad. Thanks for listening and being here.

[recover]

hi diver,
not many words but here listening and caring.
with much support,
recover

[Harmony]

Dear Diver,

You just do the best you can. Your judgement of yourself surely isn't helping you be a better parent is it? So start with gentleness to yourself. That is the place to begin. Extend it to others. If you throw your hands up and say NO I can't be helped prepare for what you chose. This is no one else's to fix now. We can stand by and support but you have to do things differently. If you do what you have always done,
You will get what you have always gotten.

with support,
Harmony

[Diver]

Things keep getting worse. My sons behavior lately is horrible. I can't even handle it. I yell at him constantly, nothing is working. He doesn't listen, he has a terrible attitude, getting aggressive, growling , pouting. Acting just like me. I hate myself. And I hate being a parent. I wish I had never had him. It was a huge mistake and now he is the one that is paying for it. I hate myself so much. I can't stand this anymore. I want out. I want away from him. Every interaction with him ends badly. I don't even want to be around him anymore. I hate him.
I fucking hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I don't want to be here anymore. I am turning my kid into a monster that can't control himself or his emotions, just like me. I am a monster to him. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. The harder I try, the worse it gets. Nothing fucking works. Nothing is fucking helping. I am the problem and I need to be gone. I need to leave. I need to be dead. All I do is mess everything up everywhere I go.
I wish I would die. I wish every night before I go to sleep that I won't wake up. He'll get over it and maybe become a good person someday. I wish there would be a carbon monoxide leak in the house and peacefully put all of us to rest. If I am gone, that leaves my son with only my husband. He'll never have a friend, birthday party, holidays or anything. He will be alone with my husband in the house until he moves out. It won't be good for either of them.
I can't hurt anyone. I can't kill myself. I'm fucking trapped.

[recover]

diver i am so sorry you are suffering so much. can you get some 3D support, maybe talk to T about this and see if you can get a mother's helper or someone to offer respite?
i understand feeling trapped. when i am in a bad way i feel trapped to stay alive for my kids.
i am so sorry.
with caring,
recover

[Diver]

I'm sorry. I hate myself for what I post.
I wish I could delete it all.
thank you recover, you are so kind

[Harmony]

Diver glad you didn't delete anything. You are fine here exactly as you are today. It is confusing. It is frustrating. You are heard and believed. You have done nothing wrong in writing your experience. Hope you can hold on to the tiny bit of hope that was there a few days ago. It is as real as any of your other experiences.

sitting with you,
Harmony