Abuse

[GrowingTree]

Thank you for compassion.

Many thoughts and feelings going on around this topic.
Much physical pain attributed to these feelings.

Want to go to holy site to pray. Couldn't go today. Too ill. But I did do some inner work.
Important.

[GrowingTree]

Much healing today in this area.
Much much much healing.
I am very proud of myself.
So proud.
I am my own inspiration.
I am my own aspiration.
I love who I am and how I use my gifts to heal.

[Fleur]

Dear GrowingTree

Hearing you my friend

Please hold on to what is good and right in the now

As for the past, let it go towards heaven; allow healing into your heart
Easy to say, much harder to do, I know

May today be the next step in change for positives in your life in all respects

Much caring, with very safe hugs sent your way

[Joe]

Thank you for sharing your situation with us, Growing Tree,

I have hurt others to have control of situations, 4 times in my life, they involve adults and children,

It is hard for me to think of myself as a mean person. All my life I have tried to argue for justice and fairness, I always go for the underdog in every situation or conflict, so much so that I am socially dysfunctional. People play to win, I play by the rules. But what are the rules, that is a whole other question.

Still with these actions I have tainted myself, I feel I will forever be cognitively dissonant. Nothing I believe can ever be actuated. I can never be a just person nor stand up for myself according to my beliefs, because I am just full of shit basically. And somewhere the truth will come out. I live in silence. I have contradicted myself fundamentally giving truth to my abusers manipulation.

I will try to write books about law and politics, but under a false name perhaps. I will never be able to accept the unwritten rules of society because they are based on the belief that people have integrity. And I just think people are full of shit basically. Hiding in a group to fade out their own contradictions.

I often think of the real impact my actions may have had on my victims. Trying to determine how much right they have to accuse me. It's just so twisted. I don<t believe in forgiveness so I can't ask for it, yet I am still protecting my abusers and what I feel for them feels like forgiveness, I think. But I have never had justice.

I am just a sick man because nobody knows me, they all decide who I am to fit their agendas.

Thank you for giving me a chance to talk about this.

good luck

[GrowingTree]

Oh joe, thank you for sharing. This is so healing for me. I don't know what you did but I think about people I have been in some contact with who have hurt others (abuse) in their past and are not doing it again.

I believe in repentance, and atonement.
It is one of the greatest gifts I have from my religion. If I didn't believe in a lot of G-dly things I don't know where I would put myself or feel about myself. I really believe that a big part of religion is "A person creates his own reality". Not that I mean religion isn't true, but I mean to say that some people may believe in their beliefs because it forms the reality they would like to live in.
I want to be a good person. I want to consider myself a good person. Believing in repentance allows me to become that good person again.
Do you understand what I mean?

I wish I had more consolation or advice, or something to share with you... But besides my strong and rooted spiritual beliefs I do not know how to be okay around something like this. It's just so hard.

btw, I do believe in my religion for other personal reasons as well.

[Fleur]

Sending all lovely thoughts your way Growing Tree

May this be a special week for you

Safe soft hugs

[GrowingTree]

Thank you. Today is a hard day. A very hard day. Besides for other things I thought back to what I did. There was malice. I needed to hurt my sisters because I was hurting. I couldn't face my own pain and they were vulnerable. There and vulnerable.And completely dependent on me. And I hurt the,/ I hurt the,. I hurt thm

I am not the person I used to be. I no longer have this need to hurt and instead have a need to heal. What do I do if one day they have PTSD cuz of me? How do I face myslef in the mirroe? Alone in my room? How do I live with mysleef when I know I have done something so cruel and evil????

I ask myself these questions yet know I will be okay because somehow, some way, I have managed to be okay with my brother for what he did to me.

But it pains me so what I did. It pains me so. So very difficult. Very difficult.

I do not feel ashamed. I feel responsible. Accountable. There is a major difference. I did something bad. I am not baad. In that moment I was. But overal not.

It is hard to sleep. Hard to breathe. Hard to be okay. I hurt them. Maybe I murdered their soul and it will show up in years... I do not know. I pray I didn't I pray I didnt I pray I didn't .

[Fleur]

Dearest Growingtree

Abuse is very difficult issue

The feelings you have for your actions as well as anything left from being abused need addressing
I think you pray? Have you handed these concerns over to a Higher Power?
If all right with you, am happy to pray on your behalf

As we cannot turn back to yesterdays, all we can do is choose the best we can for today

Sitting quietly in a peaceful place with you my beautiful friend

[GrowingTree]

[quote="Fleur"]Dearest Growingtree

As we cannot turn back to yesterdays, all we can do is choose the best we can for today[/quote]

It is unfortunate we cannot go back and change things. I wish it were possible.

Thank you

[Fleur]

Sigh, agree with you, Growingtree ....
Would be lovely to have an occasional "Ground Hog Day" (film)

Here's to a bright, sunshiny day