Overwhelming fear of SA my son

[Butterfly]

Sorry, all. I'm doing much better now, and this was too much to leave here.

[silentlistener]

Hi Butterfly,

First, I want to assure you that you are not doing anything to harm your son. You are not acting seductive in any way. I empatnize with your pain and the thoughts in your head though.
You would not ask those questions if you did not regard your son's welfare in the highest degree. I can't offer much advice but I hear you.

SL

[Tir Asleen]

Butterfly:
Just the fact that you are aware of the dangers to your son and actually care about this shows that you are not a danger to him. Your father crying makes his case even more disturbing because he obviously wasn't insane and he knew better but he did it anyway which shows how deep in his own self-absorption he was. He wasn't crying for you, he was crying for his own troubled concience knowing he was doing something wrong and not caring enough to stop it.
It is normal to feel a certain amount of fear when you have been SA'd. You are doing the right thing by reaching out here and voicing your concerns. Keep posting and receving the support you so need in this very triggering time.
Tir

[Butterfly]

So basically, my dad SA my brother and me because he was a screwed up pedophile and he wanted to and he didn't care enough about us to choose differently. He absolutely planned it out beforehand and chose to hurt us. He did not suddenly "lose control" in any way. Is this right? Please reassure me on this point if you can.

If so, my son is so safe. I hope I can really understand this in my mind, heart, and soul, so that I can relax and be close and have fun with him again.

Well it actually has to be right, because I am pretty sure he did not come into my room at night while I was sleeping just to check on me or do any other ordinary parental thing and suddenly morphed into a monster and started abusing me. He was there to hurt me, that was his intention. And he absolutely chose to hurt my brother too, over and over again for 10 years. This was a CHOICE, not an accident or a sudden loss of control, right?

[Tir Asleen]

Butterfly,
It was a choice. Think on this- One kid perhaps an argument could be that he lost control if he did it one time ever. Two kids...well, after you are aware of your problem and if you still do it, you are an abuser. Over and over for 10 years? Then he was a monster.
Trust your instincts on this one. You are right to feel like he intended to hurt you and your brother.
Sorry you are having to deal with such a hard trigger. Have fun with your son and enjoy his company. They grow up so fast.
Tir

[Starshaped]

it's not EVER ok to abuse a child sexually, not once not twice, not for ten years, not ever. period.

What your so called father did was utterly inexcusable, Whatever 'remorse' he may have felt was his own guilt and remorse that HE wouldn't be able to forgive himself what he had done and was worried about how that might affect HIM... not you... if he had thought for one second about the horrible impact his behaviour was going to have on you, then he would not have carried out his deplorable actions.

You are NOT like him, you worry about the effects this could have on your son and how your ultimate control over his life could lead you to hurt him. This puts you miles apart from any abuser, you are good in your heart because you cannot imagine yourself ever wanting to hurt another human being like that. You fear it happening, you care.

I believe that your son is safe. I don't think that this kind of thing happens by mistake, it is because the person doing it has fantasised over it for some time, because they have thought about it and planned it. It is no accident that he came into your room at night or abused your brother in secret. if it had been a momentary lapse in his self control, then it could have been in front of anyone, your mother, in public, he wouldn't have been so contrived as to do it inn secret.

I feel so strongly that you need to stop putting this kind of pressure on yourself, and blaming yourself for doing something that you have not done. I think that being SA as children leaves us acutely aware of any kind of sexualised ANYTHING that we can't just shrug off and laugh about or enjoy or just contemplate easily the things that are a natural part of life. you are NOT to blame. you are not being seductive towards your child inadvertantly. you would know if you were, and you wouldn' t be questioning it with such caution and fear.

please please give yourself a break.

Star xx

[Butterfly]

******Profanity Triggers, Religion/God mentioned***************

You are NOT like him, you worry about the effects this could have on your son and how your ultimate control over his life could lead you to hurt him. This puts you miles apart from any abuser, you are good in your heart because you cannot imagine yourself ever wanting to hurt another human being like that. You fear it happening, you care.

I care so much. I love him so much. I love him more than I have ever loved anything, and that scares me so much. I want more than anything for him to grow up healthy and happy and free.

He is so little and it is such a big responsibility. I feel the same way I did when I started driving and realized that holy crap, I could kill someone with this big car.

Now it's like, holy crap, he's depending on me! I could damage him and his beautiful, perfect, special, amazing heart with these big hands! God please guide me every day.

I feel that I don't deserve to have him. God should have given him to someone else, someone from a less damaged/damaging family. He deserves everything this world has to offer, and I am scared shitless that I won't be able to do an adequate job. I guess I just don't feel good enough to be his mom because of everything that has happened to me. God please help me to be good enough, he needs me so much.

I feel less than adequate because I worry that my lack of good parenting makes it impossible for me to properly mother him. When I look back at all the things that were wrong in my family, I grieve that there is not much that I want to carry forward to him. Even the the traditions I once wanted to carry forward seem empty and meaningless now. A lot about my FOO seems empty and meaningless.

I guess all this leaves me free to make my own way to parent, based on what I know about parenting and child development (which luckily is a lot), and based on what I would have wanted. It just seems like such a huge task, and I pray that I can learn what I need to know to be a good mom.

Thanks for listening.

-Butterfly

[bluemagicmist]

You are a good and loving mother and your son is lucky to have you. I have 3 children, 2 girls and a boy and I too suffered from those horrible thoughts from time to time when they were young. I was abused most of my childhood and it is hard to look into my past, that it was not a normal childhood and it makes me sad.
As others have said, your father chose to do the wrong thing, he thought only about himself, no one else. A good father would never violate his child/ren, not ever!
I have talked about this with my therapist and she explained that these thoughts are common among abuse survivors, it's our actions which are the most important, so please don't be harsh with yourself. Yes, we are damaged but through our love for our children we can conquer the past, to have healthy, loving relationships with them. We can break the cycle.

[abusewarrior]

(((Butterfly)))
I wish every mother was as aware as you. This is a very needful thread. I wondered when I was getting married that if I had children, would I turn into my mother and PA, EA and VA them. I know it isn't the same scenario, but it is still a very scary thought. I think bluemagicmist is right that everyone has feelings like these concerning their children. The real mothers and fathers who love their children never let their abuse be an excuse to abuse their kids. You are an amazing mother for caring so much and worrying about this.
Hugs, if safe
AbuseWarrior

[Butterfly]

Thank you for the replies, all.

these thoughts are common among abuse survivors

This I did not know, and it makes me feel much less like a freak. Thank you.

My son is so happy and free, and it makes me happy too.

Today he ran into our room and said that he is Dora going on adventures, then ran around the entire house six times laughing and giggling.

He is happy and free, and he will always be happy and free. He is a child, and he will stay a child.

I love my son. And that is all there is to it.

I will do my very best, every day, no matter what. He is light and he is beautiful. And so am I.