Is this normal?

[free4me84]

Hello out there, this is my first time on here but I really need some feedback. I had a severe trigger reaction the other day and I've been kind of lost and confused since then and just wanted some advice/validation on how it made me feel.

I'll begin by giving you my back story and telling you about myself. I'm a 30 year old female who is a survivor of incest/sexual abuse. My stepfather (father of my brother and sister) abused me sexually from the age of 5 until I was 10 when he also abused 2 (Known) of my friends and one of them reported him. He kept me quiet by telling me he would kill my mom or my siblings if I told and he killed all of our pets growing up (but we didn't know it was him until later in life). So he went to jail for 7 years and was released before I graduated high school. He moved 3 miles away from our home. There is a no contact order between us so he's not allowed to come within a set distance of me but him being My siblings father he is still in my life even if I don't see him.

Now here's where I need help. I went through therapy when I was 10 and again in high school when he got out of jail and for the most part I felt like I was coping well. Not to say I didn't still have episodes when I saw or heard certain triggers but they are few and far between. I avoid most triggers if I can help it. So the other day I took a nap while my 4 and a half year old nephew was taking his (he and my younger sister live with me) and while I was napping I had a dream that I sexually abused my nephew. In the dream I never saw it happening but I knew I did it and was planning to do it again. I was in that half awake half asleep state and I knew I needed to wake myself up and so I did but it took a minute. I just remember knowing it was wrong but not being able to help myself. When I woke up I went into full on meltdown mode. I have never had those thoughts before and would certainly never hurt my nephew who I have helped raise since birth so he's practically like my own child but I felt so disgusted with myself I wanted to die. I never in my life had such a severe reaction to a trigger. I don't know what to do or what to think of myself. I don't want to be like him. I want to be better but I'm starting to wonder if he broke me in a way that can't be fixed. I'm sorry to ramble on but this has been eating at me. I hate myself. If I just know that I wasn't the only one or that it's a normal reaction I think I would be ok. Any help or advice would be appreciated. (As a side note I have called a therapist to schedule an appointment as well so I'm not looking to avoid professional help I just wanted to hear from others who have been through what I have)

[Gracewell]

Hi free4me84

I'm so glad you found Isurvive. I'm not a professional, but I have a similar background with similar fears so I hope I can help some. Here's what I know.
I was molested/ assaulted by several different people.. When I was little I repeated the abuse to my little sister. Once I got to an age of understand what happened, I hated myself. The thing is, I didn't know any better. And I know your situation is different in age and actual happenings, there's a part of you is still broken just like I was. I don't know you, but from what I read you DONT want to do that. You have control now.. You are no longer under that horrible mans control anymore. Please don't feel like he damaged you past limits, this is your life now and you DO NOT have to be like him. You are already so different because you are reaching out for help. I'm so glad you made an appointment with a therapist. That is so healthy. Also, I have dreams of the things that scare me. So maybe that's a fear of yours. For too long, I was terrified to be too close to children because I thought that what I did as a little girl made me a pedophile and I am NOT. And I don't think you are either. Anyway, I hope I helped. You are not alone.

Gracewell

[free4me84]

Thank you so much Gracewell, just knowing someone else gets it makes me feel just the tiniest bit better. I think part of the problem is guilt from my childhood for several reasons. Mostly it is guilt for how in the beginning I actually enjoyed what he did. I didn't know it was wrong, I didn't know I wasn't supposed to like it it just felt good. I hate that. I hate that I have memories of being 7 and seeking him out to do those things. When I got older it got more forceful, the threats kept coming from him and it wasn't until then that I really knew it was bad. When I was 11 I taught my 6 year old sister how to masturbate (not by touching her but showing her). When I was 12 I did things with the 7 year old boy I baby sat for. When I was in high school I would have dreams that I slept with my stepfather but for me it wasn't about sex or doing it because I was attracted to him it was more an active division to take control and make it my own choice. I feel so mixed up. Like he made me this hyper-sexualized person that will eventually do something I didn't mean to.

[Gracewell]

I understand. My therapist has told me before that our bodies don't know whether what's going on sexually to us is good or bad it just knows what's happening so it's normal for us to get aroused or stimulated by the touch or assaults. I became promiscuous with other people other than the people that perpetrated me at age 11.. Because what I experienced before, as traumatic as it was, "felt good"-- for my body. That's all. That's not bad, it's human. Something I recently found helped me gain control of what happened it getting in touch with my inner child. I write her letters as if she is a little girl I know now. It helps me see she didn't know what is going on and will be protected now. It's also how I distinguish her as a child and me as an adult. Two different people that I get very confused. Hope that helps and makes sense. If not, disregard.

Gracewell

[free4me84]

No you've been a great help. The letter writing is a great idea, I will have to try that. Thank you.