shameful

[shalee]

A new memory came up in therapy yesterday and I'm having a hard time with it. I was 13 and he was 8. I was the abuser not the victim. I feel really awful and sick over the whole thing. I've always said to myself how could anyone hurt another person and its hard for me to image that I did.

[Forestfairy7]

I know how that feels. After my s. Abuse I had a lot of curiosity and sort of coerced my little brother into playing doc with me (him being the doc... That was where my s. trauma happened - doc app.'s). And he kinda started being more curious after that and a friend I had and he would be kind of inappropriate with each other when she visited. He has had pretty unhealthy relationships with girls since and I can't help but think it's my fault. I apologized to him this past Xmas visit and he said he'd let that go years ago and that it's not worth thinking much about... Though it was nice for him to say he doesn't harbor any anger or whatever I think he hasn't actually let himself feel anything about it and is still in denial that he was abused, and he chooses to remain numb instead. It kind of worries me but I guess since he's a soldier now he doesn't have the luxury of falling apart. I still kiind of feel guilty but am relieved all the same that I cleared the air with him on it and apologized and that hopefully that helped him heal a little under those walls he's built up.

I say that to say this. You're not alone in this and I'm sure you'll find some peace of mind somehow. Til then, talking it over, esp. here, is an excellent start. I know how hard it was for you to admit to that, and I commend your bravery.

[Harmony]

Dear shalee and forestfairy 7,
Good job to both of you survivors for your honesty and concern for the well being of others. Those are NOT the traits of abusers. So if that crossed your mind please release it. If you continue to have stress over this issue it is more than worth it to go through it with a supportive therapist.

Most CSA survivors seem to have excessive levels of guilt shame and self blame. This issue of "Did I hurt someone else?" can magnify these feelings hence interfere with your healing.

It really is great though you can open it up here. This why isurvive exists. I know you two are not the only ones with these concerns.

With tons of support for healing the hurt,
Harmony