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Has anyone else ever tortured animals? I did. From ages 10-12 I really messed with the two family cats. I can't go into details. I hadn't done it for a long time. H and I have a cat now and I have abused him. Not for many months though, and not as bad as when I was a child. But I'd throw him, kick him, strangle him.

H knows about the torture when I was little but nothing about what I've done to ours. I'm so ashamed. I always feel so bad after.

we never did that
our animals were abused by adults
some were killed
some were used to abuse us

I'm sorry HH

Anneofgreengables,

It sounds like there could be an issue with control and possibly acting out some aggression. Do you have a T you could could speak to about this? I am sure as you heal and deal with whats under the surface that your urge/need to do this will diminish.

Flower

Flower - no T at the moment. My last one gave me a book called The Dance of Anger. I've never even looked inside it though. I guess I feel I'm not ready to face it. I have a lot of anger issues. Usually they come out in the form of SH. My greatest fear is having kids and PA them, not regularly but in a fit of rage. I can get really really angry out of nowhere. I've never tried to work on it because usually I am a very mild, loving person. I feel like the hulk. Just every now and then, this monster comes out.

Edited NT to MT for SH, PA mention

Are you able to find a T or a professional who deals with anger management to work with you. Anger is a very natural emotion, and used in the right context it is healthy. You seem to be internalizing and externalizing anger that needs diffused in a healthy way in order for you to cope with it. It's good that you can recognize your anger and the possibilities and repercussions it may have now and in the future. I have never read the book your last T gave you, I haven't read that many books on anger. I do know that I used to rage like you real bad, it was one of the worst things in the world to come face to face with some of the scary things I was capable of. Although my rage only slightly surfaces now and then, it still scares me and brings me great shame. The only way I know how to deal with it is to try and talk about it and work it through with a professional who has insight...dealing with where the anger stems from would be where i'd start.

You can also chat here...you won't be judged...

Flower

HealingHearts,

I am sorry for your experience, it sounds awful, and something you should never have had to go through. Please know that I have heard you too, and am still listening.

Flower

Hey anneofgreengables, yes I was taught to abuse animals as a child, and forced to do so. Sometimes I would do it on my own, since I had been told it was for their own good.

Recognizing what you're doing is a big step. You aren't alone. You have the power within you to change, and it's so wonderful that you're trying to do that. You might like just reading some articles online about anger. That really helped me because I didn't have the patience for a book about it.

anneofgreengables,

Thank you for you open and honest post. Please know you have good support here as you seek to break the cycle and gain control over this harmful behaviour.

I too hope that you will be able to have the resource of a T to work with-- as you are able and desire. In the meantime, would it help to build in tools to help you divert your actions away from acting abusive to yourself or towards your cat when you are angry? Sometimes having thought out options of different behaviours in advance can be helpful.

I hear the fear you are describing about your anger. I agree with becomingbutterly in that "recognizing what you're doing is a big step". I hope you can find tools and ways to begin to make the choices to change. When you are ready, perhaps having recognized this behaviour and working to make healthy changes, will help you move into processing the underlying issues and trained patterns.

Sending you support.

HI Annie,

I am truly ashamed to admit I had this problem as a kid. I was very impatient and angry and took those emotions out on my pets. I don't anymore and have worked to build a loving relationship with my current pet. I am still learning to deal with my explosive rage. It terrifies me when I lose control. I empathize.

Sl