Help

[nelson]

Have been struggling terribly. Wife has threatened to divorce me after 32 years. Have not been able to control myself. Just writing out loud.

[Harmony]

You deserve help.
You deserve to be listened to.


So get and accept the help you desire. This isn't easy but it is do-able.

here with support for the process,
Harmony

[nelson]

Thank You

[Silent]

Nelson,
Do you want to share how you have not managed to control yourself?
I am sorry your marriage is in trouble. Have you told your wife about the past?
Much care.

[nelson]

I am obsessed with my own well being. I think of nothing but myself. I have talked to my wife about the past but I am stuck in it. I am a parent ,a husband, a caregiver and to put myself in front of those things is out of control. It has caused obsessive behavior and thoughts. Has my perp groomed me to be a 55year old gay man? Is this all there is? By trying to be a good person all my life and burying my secrets deep inside actually destroyed me as a person? There is no confidence , there is no ambition, there is no future. That is my out of control.

[abusewarrior]

Hi Nelson:
Thank you for sharing your courageous words. I understand that all of this seems really overwhelming right now. It is hard to live a regular life when we have been abused and treated horribly in our pasts and our childhoods. I am gleaning from your earlier posts that you have a family, but that you are feeling like you are searching for something different from the life you have now and you feel selfish for doing so. If this is the case, then it is normal to feel confused and hurt. It is also understandable that this has led to marital issues.
May I ask if you have been to see a T to talk about your child abuse issues and the confusion it has led to? You are not alone here, Nelson. At isurvive, we are all survivors of terrible atrocities committed by adults we thought we could trust. You can reach out and we will not judge you.
I am terribly sorry you are having such a hard time.
AbuseWarrior

[nelson]

I have a T and doctors. I have been asked to particpate in a group therapy. I have friends and family. My daughter (married my oldest)is a licensed therapist. My youngest son works for Child Protective Services and is ding grad work to get his Therapist license. They all know some details. My son was here for several hours last night. He knows I have started hurtihg myself. They are all here for me but I don't know how or if I can let them in. Idon't know where I am.

[Harmony]

You are normal nelson
Not sure if this helps nelson but you are not alone in feeling these feelings with your history.
What you are feeling is normal for a survivor of CSA. It isn't normal for people who haven't had trauma.

PTSD looks different in different people. This is how yours looks.
Work hard with the people who love you, and those who help you who support you.
Fight hard against old internalized negative voices that tell you to hurt you.

One day the rage you feel against yourself may be directed in the place it belongs. It belongs to the person(s) who hurt you an innocent little boy. I have heard your story you were innocent and lovely.

you still are lovely nelson.

take special care,
Harmony

[Lydia]

Hi Nelson,

This is normal for SA survivors, truly. Before they upgraded the site, on the old site was a thread entitled "what if I liked it?". It had to do with the intense shame from arousal in the abusive situation, and sometimes, the sexual confusion, fantasies, behavior, and feelings that came from it. That thread can be accessed at the bottom of the board index page. That thread went for 200+ posts. When I first started here and started facing my abuse, I felt like a "freak" (my father was my perp, I always remembered a few things, had it filed under "sick head games" instead of molestation).

I don't know if you feel that way or not, just sharing my experience. You are not one, though. The shame of the situation belongs on the perp, the older boy, not on you. You were a child, and your body may have responded as it did simply because our bodies are designed to respond to touch. That does not make you gay, there is more to it than that. You were a child who was looking for acceptance and attention.

One of my dearest friends husbands thought he was gay when he was younger, because he had been molested by a grown man, and was aroused in that situation. He was active in that lifestyle, and never felt right. He did therapy for his abuse issues, and found over time that he really wasn't gay. I should clarify that in T he was focusing on healing his abuse only, it wasn't one of the controversial programs out there. He's been healthily married to a woman for the past 20+ years.

It's called "sexual confusion", and it is on most "symptoms" lists for SA survivors. It's hard to be gentle with ourselves, it's something we have to learn how to do.

Letting the anger out healthy is really hard to do. For me personally, I started typing, and typing more. I never showed some of what I wrote, but I type faster than I write so I was able to get a lot of anger out. I also broke dishes (an old set that my parents gave me), yelled, screamed, punched my bed, exercised really hard. I drew pictures. It's hard to say this, but feeling sad and angry is normal in this. Self-harming behaviors often only add to the shame and stuff to work through. It may "relieve" the pain for a short time, but it doesn't last, it always comes back.

Your wife may need to go to counseling to better understand what you are going through, and deal with her own feelings with it. It's not uncommon for survivors healing to go to individual counseling, and couples counseling-this is really tough stuff to face.

Here for you and gently listening. You're not alone.

Lydia

[nelson]

Honest free from fraud and deception