Speaking for the first time

Discussion area for adult survivors who are afraid they might hurt others physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally. Also an area for those who have harmed someone physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally and want to heal. Sexual addiction can also be discussed.

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Obscure Reference
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Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2017 2:50 am

Speaking for the first time

Post by Obscure Reference » Fri Jul 14, 2017 4:24 am

I've never voiced this, aloud or written. I attend regular therapy and have for most of my life. I've never been able to say it to a therapist. And I can't tell my family, friends, or partner. I don't trust anyone with this knowledge to not feel utter disgust and hate me forever. I'm trying not to cry just preparing to type it out...

I repeatedly sexually abused my younger cousin when I was a kid. I was maybe 7-9, definitely younger than 10 but old enough to know it was wrong. I was intensely curious and I believe, looking back, that I may have been acting out from my own abuse. I touched him inappropriately. I manipulated him. I made my neighbor join in once and touch him. I probably deeply scarred him for life. I'm not in contact with them but he must have some recollection as he's only about 3 years younger than me. He was walking and talking and playing and I took advantage of frequent seclusion. I was caught once by my grandmother and I blamed it on him and pretended to not understand what exactly was happening. He wasn't there to defend himself when she confronted me. He wasn't old enough to fully understand. I continued the abuse.

I think about it every now and then and wonder how I'm able to live with myself. I feel so disturbed that no one knows. I'm disgusted and terrified at the thought of telling my partner. I simply can't. Who I am now isn't that devil of a child and I just want to pretend it never happened.
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all

Harmony
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Re: Speaking for the first time

Post by Harmony » Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:56 pm

Dear Obscure Reference,

This was an amazingly brave post. Children sexually abused can go on to repeat the abuse to other kids. It happens. A child doesn't know about sex except as they are taught. Kids have an inquiring and open mind. If they have been taught about things very young that are not appropriate to their age they will naturally just play it out with others. That includes premature sexualization by adults. The sad thing is that this type of abuse often goes unnoticed. It is so important to get treatment even at this late date to help process this out of sequence learning and behavior. I am sorry this happened in your life. You are not a devil child you were an abused child.

The main thing is to make sure now that you are fully adult that this damage was done. Do you feel you may still abuse anyone? Yes or no is so important to get help. Not as punishment to you but to make sense of it. Children tend to act out in play what they see in life and don't quite understand. This may have had some part of your story.

Rather than tell your partner tell a trauma therapist. The T can help you see things more clearly and life the heavy burden of shame from your shoulders. If you feel the need to make amends they can help with that too. You deserve to heal too.

with care,
Harmony

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