reishas 2019 thread

[reisha]

Oh, thanks, friends.

Final(?) Counts:
Dead: 85 (down from 88) ; 41 ID confirmed
Missing: 11 (from a high of over 1300)
Single family homes distroyed: 13,630+
Plus schools, banks, busineses, hospitals,multi-family homes........
& so many critters, big & small - this was rural(ish) lotsa ranches & farms.

Me?
One friend dead, 3 friends burned out.
Onto next crisi/trauma, but wait!
I havna processed last wks junk yet......

Nov alwaysdiff - g'da died on t-day. Thenthe no fam..... nobody luvs me, everybody htes me, tahink ill eat sum worms blues kick in ..... tday all about just food, & fam, more so than other hellodaze.
Had planned to do thing they have here @apts - in head it started @ 1 .... got there @ 1:15, it was almost over. Grabbed a plate of 'leftovers to go' (all that was offered)

Saw pcp & got appts in house for both p-doc & new t. See pdoc this fri.
This asswipe guy & his assts @ hospjust werent cuttin it. He wouldna close his door during sessions, creepy old gothic parta hosp, under construction & waa!y too much walking & stairs....

More PT- this time auqu therapy, for (whole self) arm in flare, & hips, & .. he wrote like 5 or 6dxs for it. 12 wks worth....

Lost helper, when i hada put on bosses hat & call her on ....timesheets, billing. She opted to quit, nice! On MY time, shes callin payroll, cuz she dinna vet paid for...... (KIM, WE'VE GONE OVER [&OVER] her NOT askin me to sign em early, or not filled out...). Payroll explains she actually overbilled (aka 'front loading' - prolby cuz, like most folx, shes got bills due.....). BUSTED! So, i move ontp next issues (plural) - fine tuning 'the basics', adding a few more tasks. How after 60+days, id hoped to be further...... so, goin forward....
I got no further, she opted to quit. Offered me sumone who mite work better, schedulewise. This woman was arrogant, tried to control the interview, told me how she did things (only uber, or transit; HAD to answer phone when 12y/o son called ; WOULDNA do any driving, & certianly no passengers......) i thanked her for her time & let her go, dinna even 'argue' w her that alota thats in the gig description, geese!
So, need to make calls.....

Pcp likes to refer me to a shitload of others. Have several i ned to call....

Feelin all kindsa hateful & spiteful, doin invalid comparrisons of self to others. No better'n to do that, but dont DO better. Really, really hard to begraeful for anything - my apt ok, & belongings too) my cats, mybed......
But lost all my my music, my books, my crafts..... so much is 'i usta'. Hada brainfart that i *should* replace ' iusta'w 'i STILL....'
But then, i hate bein a survivor too. The term makes me cri ge.
But then, how does one, how does society decide what criteria decide WHAT one is? Why not who, or when, where, or even WHY
I AM.......

I once scrawled ona wall:

I AM
ALL I HAVE
I AM ALL I NEED
I AM
ENOUGH

Inna fit of frustration & hopelessness as i was goin thru my divorce.
Saw every time i sat on the toilet, or took a relaxinbath. Eventually it dawned onme that those same words could be taken in a ton, a voiceof strength.
Hmmmmm....

Butt!
Nunnat that matters, when imeatin worms...
How do i stop eatin worms?

[there]

((((((reisha))))))
Can empathize w 'helper' woes. I finally gave up, and asked for alternative avsailable--heavy chores 1xmon. Was 'allotted' 2 hrs/mo. Guess company figured how to cut that back ----2 workers together--1xmo.
By the time inspection rolled around last month, I wound up doing most cleanup self. Now decided will do my own utmost to keep place cleaned up.
This is my situation, not saying you should do likewise, just (over)sharing.

Freaking horror daze--they bring up everything! Sorry about anniv. of your g-ma. My mum's passing anniv. was 11/29. The feelings come up.

So awful about the fires. Heard on news about the 88 lowered to 85. Doesn't help the 85 much, I know. Or other devastastion.

Sheesh, thing @ apts----only 15 mins late and ... I guess maybe a bright point of that is ---you went! Good going, reisha!

It's human to do the comparisons, tally up the losses. My brother, whom I do love, says he doesn't compare himself to all of his friends--they all make more $. Told him 'good for you'. Walk a mile in my mocassins.

I've been angry at term 'survivor' lately, too. Really feel it's limited, and doesn't really do more than describe situation in my life.

Ok, next MY thing about it--- Freaking (being, not feeling polite) SO-damn-CIETY doesn't GET to decide MY Id- ENTitY!!! No freaking way do I give any faceless mass of who gives a raodent's rump about me THAT power. Uhn-unh. NO.

I'm an artist, musician, creatress, teacher, leader, free spirit. For starts. I might start writing this stuff down to get it into me, forming a protective layer around me....

LOve your action of writing on the bathroom wall. Grafitti artist, you!

Reisha, I see you as so much. Friend, humorist, pet parent, creatress, inventor, strong woman-- just to state a few things.

Feeling fortunate to know you. Missed you here at i---fill in your own blank...

edited 1xfor grammar-there

[Couragetoday]

Hi reisha,

Helper difficulties abound it seems.
Tried pursuing stuff here this week, and the demand is so high they aren’t even taking people on a waitlist.

I can’t imagine what living through these fires is like. I keep thinking of you and others in area continually.

I get that headspace where it can feel hard to feel grateful for things.
It’s ok to feel that way.
Sometimes I get angry at myself for not being able to feel the good, but berating myself just adds to the difficulties.
You got lots of tough stuff going on and feeling that, acknowledging that is honest.

Have you tried aqua therapy before? Once upon a time I was able to do it and it was real helpful.

Love what you scrawled.
I have a message to myself posted on my fridge, ‘I Am Enough’

Love and caring to you reisha,

Couragetoday

[reisha]

Ther - thanks for reply, thots, etc. Yeah, arm in pain flare cuz ..... i was doin more (stuff i shouldna) w helper here. So, hmm, how does THATwork?!?!?

Yeah, findin self upset w ...... (everything) terms, words. & feeling really snarky towards just bout everyone - seems im busy 'keepin score' & grudge holdin, diggin up litanys of old hurts - guess thats what happens when i choose to eat worms.

Yeah, ive always a grafitti BORED sumwhere in house - buthcer ppr on back-a door, a buckets of markers/crayons.

Well, 'pulled the trigger' & ordered a new sewing machine (mine got stolen outta truck 3yrs ago) - im excited, cant wait. Should be herefri.

My s/w 'abandoned ' me. I called him on it. He apologized, came. For another home visit, now will see me every 2 wks, nwhich is also how often il see new t, so hope to 'leapfrog' those appts. Really notice the diff tween havin that support, vs not. & know i need it, esp this time-a yr. Imcurrently far from suicidal, but i wouldna mind killin off bout 2/3 of the world.

Also been doin alotta 'deep thinking' bout .... society, politics, family dynamics, relationships, other semi-related stuffNthangs...


Well, thanks for readin!

[dancingfish]

Hey reisha, good to hear from you. I'm sorry about the fire devastation, that must be really hard to have all around you. :(

The sewing machine sounds great, hope you can use it for all sorts of projects you enjoy. You've put together some good support for yourself too, that takes some doing when it involves telling someone they haven't been doing what they should have, too. (Well, it would for me. :) ) Your comment about the 2/3 of the world made me laugh, too - just seems to be a lot of nuttiness and untogetherness around at the moment.

Look after yourself with the deep thinking, it's good to reflect but keep yourself safe too. :) (Although, maybe you're just fine with it... I sometimes need a blanket after pondering a bit "too" much!)

With care, and let us know what you do first with the sewing machine when you do - always interesting to hear about other people's crafts and hobbies! :)

[there]

reisha,
Checking in to see how you're doing...

with love and support

[reisha]

Hiya df! Thank ya so much for yer post. It really brightened my day.

Argh! (There, ya hadda ask, lol!) Saw new pdoc fri. I like him. This'll work MUCH better'n that old fart in the crumbly old hosp! Sew machine came sat, i LOVE it. Its a compterized sew & quilt machine, w 130 stiches, includin alpha-numeric, think i like the needle threader best. Now im gonna go broker buyin fabric, lol!

Ut-oh! Danger ahead ...... gotta semi rude, entitled text from 'gem' a fewdaze ago. She had finally got all my posters in car, wanted to come over NOW. i was @ pdoc, dinna get it til late. Replied that i needed a bit more forewarning. She said shed call next day...
Yesterday, i get text askin if this aft'noon would work. I said sure. Waiting for contact from her sayin shes on way - text had said shed be here by now. No 'love, gem' or anything resemblin friendship or kindness. All my replies were just as terse. Of course, shes bz bein her usual clueless, entitled, social butterfly superficial self, postin selfies & braggin bout shows & hangin w other posers. Do i sound snarky? Gonna do my best not to bite her head off - just get my posters, then i can decide if i ever wanna engage w her again. Im really thinkin NOT,as .... we've grown more n more distant, have very lil in common any more (sincei no longer 'do music')....

Am i cuttin nose to spite face? Recognize im bein snarky bitch, but im pissed! Hurt, confused & genuinely upset w her, by her. Also kinda grossed out/creeped out by her vulgar superficiality

Sproinkalicious, goo & i need our food bowls filled...

[there]

reisha,
Glad you posted.
I understand the 'gem' thing. ---her way IS the highway---. Good you told her you needed more warning. Working that assertiveness...

It's tough call about some 'friends'. I got tired of being used and decided to yank the Welcome mat out from under a 'friendship'. In my case, I just cut off contact. I still miss the better aspects of S's company, and am lonelier, but saner and more peaceful.

So cool about sewing machine! I'd love to hear about your creations when they come to be.

[reisha]

Well,......
That was quick, &(un?)fairly painless......
She duz a teaxt - runnin late - like MY times not valuable!? She & hub get here bout an hr late. Course, shes callin to tell me shes here, cuz shes not *actually* textin, no, shes usin fakebook messenger (which i REFUSE to put on my phone - bad enuff its on my tablet, but it was parta the 3 classes to get the damn thing - 'learn' email, google & fb, but ive digresed....) & i dinna respond to her when she msgd me..... i explain (again! - but, to be 'fair', she hasna visited in over a yr...) that she needs to hang up, dial my apt # on the door keypad, which rings my phone so i can let her in. It takes her several tries to understand. She comes in alone, (to *check things out*?). A basic hullo, no big hugs, or happy holidaze or anything. I ask her to remind me how high the stack is - will it fit behind the couch? She peers there, says yes, but its not stable enuff to stand. Ok, i say, the 2nd option is in bdrm, on toppa trunk. (Best for em anyway - if not displayed, theykeep better layinflat.) I give the door fob, she & hub come back, carryin the (roughly) 3ft stack, get emonto trunk, spend a few seconds on idle chitchat.....
Oh! B44 she got hub, she asks me what i need more, pot or cash. I tried to joke that i had to choose? Well, atm, pot. So she gives me a lil jar. Then, as theyre leavin, she says 'here, this is for ya too' & handsme sum cash. I took it (dinna look - $40). Oh! & she had this bag of knitted hat/scarf combos, explaininthat she ordered em online, & the hoods're waaaay too big, & the scarves way too long, & sincei knew 'fire folx', could she enlist me to dole them out as i see fit, it'd really help her out. In other words, she bot these things as gifts, dinna like em, & is pawnin em off onme to rid of - at least, thats the way i took it. Theyre hand made, hand written tags still on em.....
I feel slimed, altho, i spose i now have presents, if had anyone to gift........

Am LOVIN my new *brother* (sew machine)!. I whipped up a new skirt - took (ha!)sum old scarves i never wear - same color family, ones a thick knitted acrlic, theother, a thin woven cotton. Cut em half (length) then sewed those panels in alt 'stripes'. Now ned to buy elastic - or use ribbon - to create the waistband & sew the casing for that. (It could also use a thin gauze or muslin lining, but i spose leggings'll do....)
Ive also pulled out the many 1" squares of various fabric, back when i thot id make a watercolor quilt. ( i still may...) but am now repurposing them to .... recycle 2 of my fave batik summer dresses that got ruined in the flood. - alla its gonna on my fave ratty old tourquoise zip hoodie. Im gonna patchwork 'peacock colors' in various batiks & other hand dyed fabics - w a peacock on the back, & mermaids on the front panels of thishoodie. The cuffs & waist will be patchwork dark blues & purples, the backround in the main body mid blues to lite greens, the bird & fish a combo of all. Ive already started on the cuffs. (Seriously, this hoodie is so old, the cuffs are al frayed apart). This macine is so quick, & easy to use, i hope to have this done by new years, or mid feb at latest - ass u me'in nuthin derails me (ha!)

Sum-a my 'deep thots have been bout my foo (duh). Im ... *connecting dots* between their ..... ethnic & geo-locations, their time periods.... that old spacetime awareness..... dunno that ihave any deeper ~compassion~ for any- their bs, but i do have a deeper understanding, if that makes sense. & yeah, it can make me sadder, bitterer, cynicaler... ino those arent words - too lazy to hit rite keys/shift screens.
Think im still too numb from this yrs events to really (have the energy to) care......

Thanks for readin!
{{{{{ISURVIVE!!!!!}}}}}

[there]

reisha,
Understand the foo thoughts, feelings. Grr at Gem.

Sewing sounds amazing and so good that you love doing creative stuff with new machine