Well, let's start then

[TiredSurvivor]

Hello again everyone. I thought I’d share more about myself. I have been told that going over memories and processing them is a way to heal, like how a horror movie becomes less and less scary the more times you watch it. I was uncomfortable because I was told I should try to remember and process specifics as well – not only what I felt emotionally, but what I felt physically, what I was thinking, down to little details that I didn’t think were important like what I was wearing and so on. Apparently specific problems/memories are easier to solve/heal from than vague memories? I’m not so sure but I want to believe that works. It’s daunting for me. I’ve gone through a lifetime of abuse – there are so many memories I’d have to process or share. At what point will I be fully healed? Is that even possible? It’s impossible for me to forget all these painful memories and even if the pain lessens, I’ll still carry them within me. I’ll never be ‘pure’. Still, I’d rather try something going forward rather than being a victim of the past.

So I thought I’d start with the very beginning with an overview. My immediate family consists of my father, mother, my older brother, myself, and my two younger sisters. My parents believe parents should discipline their children for misdeeds and misbehaviors. They think spanking is a good method of discipline. I don’t want to get ahead of myself but my grandfather spanked mom when she was growing up too, and that obviously influenced her.

I ‘earned’ spankings for stuff like not doing chores, backtalk, bad grades, the usual stuff, and when mom got mad at me or when she said I needed one. My father was always the spanker. Mom never raised her hand against me. She would always stare daggers at me and say things, “When your father gets here I’m going to tell him to beat your ass.” She got more profane as I got older. When she’d tell me I had earned a spanking she’d call me ‘bitch’ or ‘cunt’, as if those were my names.

Dad started spanking me when I was young. Dad said he started spanking me around two years old. Two. I was so young. The spankings started off ‘light’ but became harsher as I got older.

A normal spanking for me when I was between 2 and 12 went as follows. Mom would usually get mad at me for one thing or another and tell me I was going to get spanked. That always put my insides into a knot. I hated that feeling. And I never knew when I was going to set mom off. Sometimes simply disagreeing with her would ‘earn’ me a spanking.

When dad got home, mom would tell him I earned a spanking. I would be sent to my room to prepare. Preparing meant that I had to take off my bottoms. I’d kick off my shoes. I’d peel off my socks. I’d unclasp my jeans and set them aside - folding them neatly of course because I didn’t want to get into more trouble. I’d take a deep breath, pause for a few moments, and then hook my thumbs into the waistband of my panties and pull them down, fold them, and put them on top of my pants. When I was young-young taking off my panties and dad seeing my pussy never bothered me, but as I got older it did especially when I started growing pubic hair. The girls in my family hit puberty early and hard, so by the time I was 12 I had a full bush and I think a D cup bra (bustiness runs in the family). I’d turn to face my door. I’d put my hands behind my hand. I’d spread my legs wide. Covering my pussy was forbidden.

And then I waited. Sometimes I waited a long time. Sometimes dad would come in right after I finished getting into position. That always put me on edge because if I wasn’t in position then I earned extra spanks. That usually happened when I was very young. I learned to be quick as I got older.

If I was lucky then dad would close the door behind him, if not then anyone could happen by and see me, especially my brother. Dad would come in looking all serious. His eyes would immediately lock onto my pussy. It’s funny, I never noticed it when I was very young but I think my dad always got an eyeful during my punishments. He’d lecture me, eyes darting from my face down to my pussy and back again. Sometimes the lecture was short. Sometimes it was long. It depended on a lot of things. When the lecture part was over I was put over my bed. Dad spanked me with his bare hand before I turned 13. I hated the pain.

When that was done I was always forbidden from touching my butt – either to rub or to hold it or to cover it. Dad would pull out a dime from his pocket and put it against the wall. I had to hold the dime to the wall with my nose. I had to get into position for that too, hands behind my head, legs spread wide. I’d cry and wait until he said I didn’t have to hold the dime there anymore. Dropping the dime or getting out of position would earn me extra spanks. I always did my best to hold that dime to the wall but I dropped it more often than I can remember especially when I got older and my butt hurt more because dad used a spanking strap instead of his hand. I was allowed to cry through the entire spanking and coin-holding process.

When dad said I was done I would give him the dime back. Then I would have to apologize to him about what I did wrong. We’d hug. Then, and only then, was I allowed to put my clothes back on.

I’ve read juliewr’s posts here on how her parent’s abused her growing up, especially with frequent spanking and I completely understand and relate to what she went through. I think I was spanked once a week minimum from the time I started being spanked until I left home, with few exceptions. Sometimes I got it more than once per week. Either I always did something wrong or mom was set off.

Before I turned 13 I thought things couldn’t get any worse. But the night I turned 13 my parents told me they were going to make my punishments more strict since I was older. From then on all my punishments were completely naked. Dad would use a strap on my butt. Mom looked me in the eye and told me that she decided that from then on I would be spanked on my pussy too. My jaw dropped when I heard that. Mom said, “My dad spanked me on the pussy too. I always thought twice about being a cunt because I knew he’d hit me there. This world would be a better place if all girls got spanked like that. I know how good it will be for you.” I knew better than to argue with them. My spankings were physical and sexual abuse. Painful and utterly humiliating.

The rest of the abuse in my life started after I turned 13 too. I’ll talk about that later. I'm tired.

[Ashia]

Hi TiredSurvivor

Firstly, welcome to isurvive. I'm glad you found this safe place where you can be heard and understood. Good job on writing such a brave post. I'm sorry for what you have been through. It was wrong and should never have happened. I see that you have already found other members who have been through similar experiences. I'm sure you'll see this happening quite often. We all have our own stories but there is a lot that is shared and understood.

Take good care of yourself.
Ashia

[wolfspirit]

Hello TiredSurvivor,
I almost couldn't read your post since it is an ST, (I'm feeling overly sensitive lately) but something made me keep reading because it was so similar to my own abuse.
I hope you know that you're in a different family now. A family of survivors. We lived through all of that pain and we're here to support each other.
I feel a lot of anger toward your parents for abusing you. I'm sorry if that upsets you.

Be proud of yourself for sharing that much of your story. It may feel like it was worse than holding it in, but over time, it will show you how far you've come in your healing. You took that step and that takes a lot of strength and courage.

sending peaceful thoughts,

ws

[Ho'omana]

Aloha no, e TiredSurvivor,
You are so very brave to share such pain So sorry you had to go thru this.
Sitting with you if okay.
Take gentle care

[IMA]

Hey TiredSurvivor

I'm happy you came here and was so open to this new form of healing for yourself. This is a strong family here on I survived.

I am IMA, I have similar past abuse when it comes to abuse... physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. It's taken a toll on my spiritually as well but I haven't dwelled fully yet in on these topics yet on here. So I can understand how you feel about sharing everything. I too have been spanked as a kid growing up but haven't made any post.

Hoping that you find your inner peace and be true to yourself. When things get hard, remember your not alone.

IMA

[there]

TiredSurvivor,
What your parents did was really twisted and cruel. joining with wolf spirit in anger at them.

Felling admiration for your bravery and fortitude.

[wolfspirit]

TiredSurvivor,
I'm just checking back in with you since your post. Hoping you are feeling okay with sharing and your everyday coping with the trauma.
We're still hear listening, if you want to share more. If not- totally fine, too.
I used to read others' posts for a while and then decide if I wanted to be more "involved" on the forum.
Try to remember that you're not alone.

Sending peace,

ws

[TiredSurvivor]

Red ST just to be safe.

Hello again, everyone. I want to thank each and every one of you who read my post and I want to thank each of you that made a comment. I sort of felt like a balloon that was swelling with too much air and writing that all out was a way of letting out air before I burst.

The truth is that there are some days when I don’t think about what I went through at all. There are some days where I think about it but it’s just information – no feelings, just a neutral acceptance of events. And there are some days where I think about it all the time and it bothers me. I have good days and I have bad days, which I’m sure you all understand. My spankings were also far from the only abuse I’ve gone through. I might talk more about that all later.

Intellectually I know I’m not alone although sometimes it can feel that way. Plenty of girls (and boys) went through what I did. My younger sister did. My youngest sister is still dealing with this (she’s 15). Some of the posters on this forum did. There’s a lot of information out there on how spanking is bad and/or abusive and it seems to be the dominant opinion especially on the internet. But I don’t think that means that parents have stopped spanking their children at all. I think spanking in America is as popular as ever. I think most people just stopped talking about it. It’s a private thing and especially online you might get jumped on if you voice approval of spanking.

I’ve read that some of you feel angry at my parents for spanking me this way. My feelings on this are complicated.

I hate my mother. It took me a long time to admit that to myself. At first I used to think, you know, “I really don’t like her.” which isn’t as intense. My mom was the trigger that earned me the vast majority of my spankings. Although my father agreed spanking is a good method of discipline it was my mother who pushed him forward to the more abusive end. It was her idea to ‘discipline’ me and my sisters fully naked and for him to strike our pussies.

I think my mom is a narcissist. Everything has to be perfect. So she’d exercise ceaselessly after her pregnancies to get her body back. She’d always talk about how it was important for a woman to be as beautiful and sexy as possible. She’d brag about her husband and his job. She’d brag about her children. She’d brag about her home. Things that threatened that image set her off.

I know she’d prefer if everything was her way. My dad doesn’t allow that. It’s funny, my dad is firmly in control of mom but he gives her a long lease. My mom used to say things like, “A woman’s purpose is to obey and serve a man unquestionably.” and she meant it. I remember one time we were all going on a long, long car trip and she had been whining and complaining about us in the back for a long time. My father looked at her and told her to shut her mouth and not talk. My mother clenched her fists in her lap but the rest of the ride was quiet. It wasn’t until we checked into a hotel that night that he said, “You may speak again if the first thing you do is apologize to us all for being so noisy and naggy.” and she did.

My mom would let us all rot if it made her look good.

I know this next part might not make much sense but I love my father. I can’t hate him for what he’s done to me. In a lot of ways he was a great, caring father. Now, don’t get me wrong – he hurt me a lot. He made me uncomfortable a lot by seeing me naked. And if he decided he didn’t want to spank me fully naked or on my pussy he could have, but he didn’t. I’m not excusing his behavior. I hated his behavior there. I don’t know how best to describe it. There’s a difference between bad people who do bad things and good people who do bad things. I think my mother is a bad person who does bad things. I think my father is a good person who did bad things.

So I understand and accept your anger towards him but I can’t share that anger. I know how crazy that sounds.

My younger sister is 28 and she doesn’t feel like the spankings were abusive at all. She loves both of our parents. I’ve tried to talk to her about this stuff but she just dismisses it. Says it was good for us. I don’t understand how someone can think this way. This is especially upsetting to me because she’s a mother with an 8 year old daughter and I know she has her husband spank her daughter just how we were. She’s told me that as soon as her daughter turns 13 she and her husband are going to ‘upgrade’ her punishments to be fully naked with strikes to the pussy just like how we got them. It just makes me feel so empty that the cycle of abuse is continuing and I can’t do shit to stop it. My mom was spanked like that. We were spanked like that. Now my niece is going to be spanked like that. The only solace I have is that my sister and her husband don’t have a hair triggers like mom – she says her niece only gets spanked like once every month or two. I believe that.

My youngest sister is 15 and is being spanked just like how I was at that age. I really don’t like that but I can’t change that either. My parent’s won’t change their minds on the whole spanking thing. My youngest sister doesn’t get spanked as often as I did but it’s still too much in my opinion. Back when I was her age and going through this there was no way in hell I’d call CPS and get them involved. And I mean no way. She’s the same way. I asked her if she wanted me to call CPS for her. She said she was never going to cooperate with them – she can’t stand the thought of something bad happening to mom or dad or being taken away from them. I decided to call CPS anyway. Waste of time. She didn’t cooperate with them at all, no abuse could be proved, and so they went on their way to hopefully help other children. The best I can do for my sister is offer her a place to stay if she really needs it and to call CPS for her if she asks in the future.

It’s all too much sometimes.

Thank you for your time.

[wolfspirit]

TiredSurvivor,
Understand the complicated feelings about your parents.
There are so many levels of feelings in us. Despite the trauma, we will naturally have attachment to our primary caregivers.
I am appreciative of how you described the idea of good people doing bad things. That's a new perspective for me.

So sorry that the abuse cycle is continuing in your family. That is a hard thing to accept. Sounds like you've decided to try and let go, but it hurts. Sometimes, people just can't see the forest for the trees. No matter how dysfunctional or hurtful they are being.

I know that sense of a balloon about to burst. You're very good at describing things, TiredSurvivor.

I'm here listening if you want to share more about the trauma you experienced.

<3
ws