Sadness

[IMA]

I like how my sadness is worth while...
how it reflects my passions in life.
How its always true and very real.
How it never quits or leaves my side.
How even when could and darkness surrounds my every wake.. my sadness brings the company of warm tears down my face.
My sadness is my core, my drive, the one thing to bring back to reality when the pain is too great.
Thank you sadness for fight the thoughts of suicide for me...

[IMA]

I'm sad that, I'm 23 and I don't have much to my name.
I'm how I don't have a family of my own.
I get numb to the thought of someone hugging me.
I'm sad that even though I toughed it out through of pain, that I need to work still on building happiness....I don't know why happiness doesn't come naturally yet.
I'm sad that I was with a guy who was a beater, cheater, and rapist...how does reflect on myself love...or lack of.
I know I sound pathetic and ungrateful but the only thing keeping my hope's up is because my dream career.
I want to help people tell their stories...want give them what I didn't receive much as a kid growing up....a chance, a friend, a protector, their hope for something more.
I feel like now a days family aren't as strong as they could be... that people stay for the wrong reasons. That it isn't about love anymore and I feel annoyed by that. But then again I can't see myself being married again. What good is a partner if a soul tie is cut loose?
Probably sound crazy for spilling my tea...but I don't these days get darker, people become so fragile...
I thank God as a fragile person as myself who found this site, that there is still hope in recovery. How finding people that listen are truly blessings in this world.

[Shirley]

Ima,
You are not hopeless or pathetic. You are healing and it takes time. You have reached out here and that’s a great start. I get your feelings of wanting to be happy. Feeling you will never find it or feel it. But you will. There will be hard days and good days. Be gentle with yourself.
I have also thought of a career in the same field.
Offering the same things. An ear, a friend.
I agree family isn’t what it used to be but there are good ones around. It’s what you make it. Blood isn’t the be all end all. Families staying together for the kids. Only makes it worse. That I know for sure.
Take care and be patient and gentle with yourself.

Peace

Shirley

[IMA]

Thank you shirley

Today my mind wonders and I started to think...maybe I really am the loser most people try to make me out to be. I just don't understand how there are still people in this world trying to break whatevers left in me.

[wolfspirit]

IMA,
I understand that thought. But you are not a loser. Whoever has been causing you to feel that way- they are the loser.
There will always be people who want to hurt us, but we have to remember how far we've come in healing. For me, there's really not much else they can do to make it all worse. And they are just trying to pass off their own pain to us, so we can choose not to accept it.

You've been through a great deal in your first 23 years. Lots of strength that you've built up. Way more than I had at your age.
Keep taking care of your self despite where you are right now in your living situation.

<3

ws

[IMA]

Thank WS for your kind words I will take in that consideration

[IMA]

Here I am crying again over past thoughts of never really having thoughts and dream of being close to someone again

I don't know why I lie to myself thinking that someone who can actually relate and support from my past traumas.

I went hiking today and even though everything on the outside appeared to look great on the inside see people with their families or loved ones. I ate me up inside and now I just cry knowing that part of me...self compassion, isn't as strong as what it used to be.

After the rapes I endured it took too much from me. I lost too much time and energy to the point where my body doesn't even want to feel the lightest touch, it feels like a tug no warmth no coolness....just a nudge.

I honestly still here the echoes of him calling me crazy and crying cause I know I really am for staying as long as I did in that marriage.

Now I am stuck. Just here watching and waiting. Done being a part of life yet too dull to make the next step.

How can I every open up that part of me again?have any of you guys been this numb? How do you overcome the battle of self destruction?

[freedomspot]

IMA,

Here with you, holding your hand if safe, and offering a soft blanket to soothe your pain.
With care,
freedomspot

[wolfspirit]

IMA,
There's a couple of thought patterns I've learned about that come from the severe trauma we've endured. I'll share them with you, but you don't have to do anything with them; just letting you know I can be where you are in your head quite often.

First, our numbness is protective. If we think of it as a helpful thing, i.e. not getting hurt again, we can accept it and then slowly allow ourselves to begin feeling again. Even the littlest thing, like watching a squirrel do it's dancing run, helps us feel something.
Numbness, the absence of feeling connected, seems like it is in control of us. And it is because it is protecting us. But we are ultimately in control of our own minds. It can be very hard to move out of that space, especially when we've experienced what we have.
Have you thought about support groups? I've been in one for survivors of sexual assault (women only). It helped me break out of the disconnection to others. There's also groups for child abuse survivors depending on the community you live in.

Second, and this is a really hard thing for me to do but it helps me sometimes, is to not compare your life to other people's lives.
My t reminds me that everyone is broken in some way or another. Some are even feeling the same numbness you are and have just learned to mask it at the moment you are watching them. We tend to do that because someone has stolen part of us and we think we need to fill it with other people's experiences.

Third, (another hard thing for me to remember but it helps) is to say this in my head, Focus follows where you send it.
If I am sad and I think about being sad, I will keep being sad. Our minds work that way so we can accomplish things and keep living our lives.
If I am numb or suicidal or disconnected and I keep thinking about it, I will stay there.
If I can just find something else to focus on, not necessarily a feeling, I get a break from those hurtful and painful feelings.
So I do things. Anything- walk, write, read, look at pictures from the nature lovers I follow on Twitter, pet my dogs and guinea pig- whatever you can do at the moment. It takes my focus there instead.
The pain will come back and I focus on it for a while because it helps me feel like I am facing it and processing it. But then when I realize it has become the main focus, I change it.
Hard to do when I have a flashback, but that's when I come on here and get support. Or I use another support like my t or my sister.

Anyway, I feel sorry that you are struggling right now. Keep going. You are worth something and you are not alone.

<3

ws

[IMA]

Thank you both freedomspot and wolfspirit

For your support and insights again .I am very humbled and glad that I have people like you as my support