So Ashamed

[jimscarlet]

I was in deep-trance-state nearly my whole life until year 2000 when I started to awaken.
The trance was brought about by my horrific emotional and physical abuse;the child cannot
escape any other way,so nature allows him to 'go away' in his mind into that state. Problem is,
he doesn't know this,so he goes through life into adulthood being an "Adult-Child", I.E. a child in
an adults body. The awakening does not come all-in-a-flash,it comes in fits and starts like a veil
being lifted from your eyes and perceptions.
Yesterday,another of the veils lifted; and I thought I
was all here too--no. Yesterday I happened to look back to when I was married to 1st ex,who was
a narcissist (I didn't know at time),and we had argument bawling and shouting,in which I
wrestled her to ground. But just before I did that,my son cried out to me in sheer terror "Dad"!
I ignored him. I did not actually hit his m,just gripped both her wrists. I cannot even remember
what argument was about,but is irrelevant.
The point is,I terrified my son,who was about 9 and
I seen and heard it all in my mind yesterday--of course I looked back before,but when I did it
then,the 'trance' seemed a viable reason not to condemn myself. Now,it does not. Me?
Mr nice guy? My butt! I can still hear his voice in my head "Daaadd"! full of fear,and I didn't
even try to talk to him afterwards.
I'm so ashamed . . .thank God I didn't hit any of them (had
4) only thing I can think of to do is atone; not sure exactly how yet. Damn those 2 bastards
who brought me up with their violence and humiliation . . .damn them to hell!

[there]

js,
Not many words, but I can understand. You will find a way to make amends if that's what you intend.