Fleur's 2018 thoughts

[wolfspirit]

Fleur,
Sending energy into the tension and pain of your headache and breaking it apart into little bits of light that disappear like a candle's smoke...
Holding your hand as you sit with Soxy (thank you for the purrs, Soxy) and allow yourself to rest.

Hoping in a few hours that you will feel better <3 <3

ws

[Fleur]

Really sorry about the lost post there. Thank you for second message. Soxy as guard cat is great concept - sometimes it works - appreciate reminder. Agree about grocery shopping - not a favourite activity. Food has little appeal right now. Just ate some raw cashews. They are packed in a zip closing bag which keeps the nuts fresh, crunchy


Appreciate your visualisation around dissipating the yuck, wolfspirit, and for holding my hand. No-one has done that in a long time, apart from a greeting to shake hands. Am blinking back tears


Sending happy thoughts to you both from the bottom of the world where winter maintains stronghold - snow is forecast - trust Indian Summer means warm days after cooler evenings for you

[Fleur]

Leaving as MT because there is a combination of potential triggers - spiritual, physical


Well, I cancelled today too. I am supposed to be guiding a small group Bible study discussion as I write. Squibbed out. Made a conscious decision yesterday to not attend meetings. Then an Elder phoned requesting me to go up front with him. Explained I wasn't going to be attending. So that was that. Being upfront is like play acting for me. I can put on a persona. But not possible for today

Normally, I am able to set aside my junk, my angst, ignore my past etc, when leading Bible discussion. We are supposed to have read the lesson during the week, made comments or thought about points/questions to raise on Sabbath. A few weeks ago, I changed my presentation on the fly because I had little to no input from the group. I hate that. I do not want to lecture

Today is last Sabbath of the quarter. Where I used to live, it was a highlight to have children take part. Perhaps a skit, songs, stories. Each quarter has a theme related to which global region is supported. So this time it has been a focus on parts of Asia. It is fascinating to "visit" various cultures via film clips and written stories. At least usually. Lately, I just don't care. And last week I got annoyed by the voice overs, the songs in their native language, then I hate me even worse

I think that what prompted my stuff to be triggered was the fact that what was shown on screen (mild abuse) met with gasps of horror from our congregation. I felt like saying something along the lines of that isn't very much. Again, something I would not in general think, let alone do, as abuse is never okay. It highlighted for me that I am different from people in Church. I cannot expect anyone to understand how my stupid childhood impacts my present

I've been in PJs since Tuesday night. Is now start of weekend. Tuesday was last time I ate a decent meal, showered, interacted with people - apart from a longish phone call one night. I called su support line, as plans were formulating and I knew I needed to hear a "live," human voice. At least the strategy worked for that moment - pushed back the su and assisted clearer thoughts

Sh is bad news. Blood everywhere I look. Wish I could remove fingernails before sleeping. Adds to pain, natch, but so want to stop

Hearing abusers in my head so loudly that I've been certain they are physical presences. Requires investigation, every time. Exhausting

Recently asked by researcher whether hearing voices relates to being abused as a child - as I told her, I cannot definitively affirm, but is highly likely

Tis school term break. Means lots of younger people on public transport. Mostly very well behaved - some adults leave much to be desired. I cringe as I hear the tone of voice, their words

Local school sounds cease, whereas street foot traffic increases. Soxy and I couldn't identify some sounds. He prowled a lot before bedtime, probably listening to noises I cannot hear. I am sure there once were mice or other creatures in cupboards. Soxy sniffs thoroughly whenever he has opportunity

Finally saw cat who meows plaintively in stormy weather. Mostly white with creamy golden and sandy swirls plus some light brown fur. The two cats talked with glass door in between


Thank you for being here

[there]

with ws will hold your hand anytime.
Sorry to read of sh. (((((Fleur)))))

Sighing about how you feel about the other people in church. Then again, you might not know some hidden pain someone there has. I never knew it until this person made a rude comment to me in church once.

I told my older sister who was D's age and sort of friend. She mentioned that D's father was an awful alcoholic. As a kid, I only saw him as the man collecting the offering.

I don't think my T really understands how I feel. I kinda don't care anymore to try to get her understanding. I understand myself. Don't really believe anybody could or would ever do a better job. Not her job to love me. Love is the best and I'm going to give it to myself.

Didn't mean to steal your thread, Fleur.

Seems you need a break from church responsibilities.
Please don't hate yourself for not being perfect.

Sorry voices are so insistent. I want to evict them from your head.

Was Soxy talking with thecmostly white cat? What an image! Thank you for that!

[Fleur]

Hello there


Agree about not knowing how other people hurt. Everybody has pain of some sort. Sadly, the one place we ought to be "real", authentic, Church, is where we tend to gloss over hardship

Really feel for the woman who shared last week about her husband leaving - so did all her Church family. Not one asked for her side of events. Understandably, having been ostracised, her two now adult children want nothing to do with religion

Thank you for holding hands with wolfspirit and me

Yes, Soxy was meowing, chirruping and posturing on kitchen side as the other cat did similar on garden side of glass sliding door

In the almost year I've been here, I have noticed many different nationalities are locally represented. Today, we had racial slurs being made with lots of swearing and taunts on several aspects of life. Police moved them on, but it emphasised how vulnerable is this house. No gates on drive way, so people walked in, tossing what sounded like stones against fence. Said stones could have been picked up from beside concrete drive. No lock on front gate but that is a barrier. People cannot accidentally walk on garden for instance

Seeing interactions from various people gives me hope that some - many? - people are decent human beings. Headgear is main way I can determine rough geographical origins

A few weeks ago, the places of worship listed in a community centre indicated to me that multiculturalism is apparently healthy here. There's a yellow Star of David on the side of one building - talking with owners, they are from Europe. Although not Semitic, the Star quietly indicates a safe haven should it be needed. Many temples and shrines were highlighted on a map - in summer, a walking trail guided tour can be enjoyed. Something for my "to do" list

Sigh ... There was a sign saying volunteers were sought to help prepare people for formal study - literacy, numeracy specifically mentioned. So I enquired. They took one glance at me and sent me on my way. I could have been a top university professional for all they knew (I'm not by the way) but I was not given the space to say anything after I explained my reason for entering. The implication was they had enough volunteers - so why is the sign still visible several weeks on?

I have innate ability to assist with basic skills plus pieces of paper (somewhere) to back up my assertions

I'm the first to admit I don't understand calculus however my arithmetic is more than passable and I do my best to make learning fun. I cannot explain all the grammar nuances, but seeing adults read/write and comprehend English is a real buzz. When we did migrant stories for an exhibition, when son was small, we had such fun putting together experiences, recipes, crafts, myths, etc... I wore the same type of clothes but didn't need any mobility assistance....

I need a "feel good" fix


Best thoughts for you and Tula

By the bye -- you didn't steal my thread, smile
Appreciate your thoughts

[wolfspirit]

Fleur,
I often have sh urges, too. Scratching, pinching, cutting...sometimes there's blood and its hard to see.
Have you ever considered wearing gloves or mittens during those times of urge? Maybe put them on before bedtime?

I also understand the need to be genuine and not hide or color-coat how I'm feeling. It is always sad when that isn't possible in places where there is meant to be love and acceptance.
I'm glad you set your boundary on the talk. No need to be someone you're not or do something you're not in the mindset for.

I've lived in areas of town where there is unrest, intensity and such between people. I think it affects us more since we are acutely aware of distress around us. I hope you are not in any danger...

Our town is currently dealing with high levels of poverty and homelessness due to prison overcrowding, mental health services deficits, and opiates addiction. Very hard to see the people trying to live in that state.

I loved the image of Soxy and his friend communicating through the glass. Made me smile and I could feel that love.
Hoping you are feeling loved and cared for- keep in touch.

<3<3
ws

[there]

Fleur,
Checking in with you...
Have any yummy GF/DF treats lately?

gentle hug

[Fleur]

Thank you there.

Nothing out of the ordinary lately regarding food.

After massage Tuesday I've been very low. An online friend suggested the therapist stirred up some muck.

Sh wounds are not healing. Normally they dry quickly but this time oozing. One insider is very happy about it but others, particularly 3yo, distressed

Skin cancer site behind nose is hurting due to scarring - Dr says healing nicely

Am miffed about Dr saying in a referral to specialist that my headaches don't interfere with daily life. Huh?! Just what didn't I say? Or he misconstrued? Days of being in bed. Stay home in case I'm sick or have urgent need of bathroom. I even cancelled appt with himself at least twice because I couldn't get out of bed to shower, dress, eat, walk to his office....

And still no pain relief. I'm hoarding tablets for exceptionally bad days. Yes, understand addictive factor and so on. However, being this unwell is hard to take

Little ones hurt so much in various ways

See a researcher about voices next fortnight, after which I plan to attend book appreciation meet up. Saying cos it is a way to defer su

Too much pain


Leaving hugs for you and pats for Tula

[there]

Fleur,
Sorry you are in pain from different things.
Sitting at keyboard, starting to learn Brahm's Lullabye and playing it for you tonight.

[Fleur]

Oh there, really? Brahms' lullaby? Thank you