Fleur's 2018 thoughts
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Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts
Hi Fleur,
It really saddens me also to imagine you being treated that way by your Dad.
And to have the very opposite of support from your siblings.
Some memories do indeed seem to stay raw long-term....
Thinking of you as inspection may soon be taking place or already finished.
Really hoping the worst case scenario does not happen.
Leaving safe hugs,
Couragetoday
It really saddens me also to imagine you being treated that way by your Dad.
And to have the very opposite of support from your siblings.
Some memories do indeed seem to stay raw long-term....
Thinking of you as inspection may soon be taking place or already finished.
Really hoping the worst case scenario does not happen.
Leaving safe hugs,
Couragetoday
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Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts
Hello Couragetoday
Inspection occurred when you wrote, such perfect timing!
Okay, so she came, saw I had continued emptying boxes, doing dishes, sorting laundry ... Then said she wouldn't do a full inspection because it was a work in progress. She spoke with my case manager who is to liaise with another agency for home help. She also knows the spring cleaning lady has yet to visit - it will be a once off to do the filters and hard to reach things. However, the spring clean staff will need safe access to air conditioner unit, bathroom ceiling and as much floor space as we can manage. Outside is clear
So ... No worse case scenario, smile
Wishing you a lovely day
Inspection occurred when you wrote, such perfect timing!
Okay, so she came, saw I had continued emptying boxes, doing dishes, sorting laundry ... Then said she wouldn't do a full inspection because it was a work in progress. She spoke with my case manager who is to liaise with another agency for home help. She also knows the spring cleaning lady has yet to visit - it will be a once off to do the filters and hard to reach things. However, the spring clean staff will need safe access to air conditioner unit, bathroom ceiling and as much floor space as we can manage. Outside is clear
So ... No worse case scenario, smile
Wishing you a lovely day
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
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Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts
Fleur,
Breathing a deep sigh of relief at news of inspection outcome. I hope you will get some home help as you truly need it and it could make life more livable for you. It does for me. It has, in fact, helped me to take better care of the place myself, which I hope I can continue.
Breathing a deep sigh of relief at news of inspection outcome. I hope you will get some home help as you truly need it and it could make life more livable for you. It does for me. It has, in fact, helped me to take better care of the place myself, which I hope I can continue.
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
I deserve better than survival.
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Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts
Hi Fleur,
Thanks for your update. Feeling relieved.
I really hope the home help gets sorted out, that it will feel helpful and as comfortable as possible.
Couragetoday
Thanks for your update. Feeling relieved.
I really hope the home help gets sorted out, that it will feel helpful and as comfortable as possible.
Couragetoday
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Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts
Thank you for being here and caring there, Couragetoday
I was thinking about my distractedness around housework. It has been several years, but less than ten, since I did all my own chores. A lovely gentleman came every fortnight for the first three years. He would thoroughly clean so all I had to do was put out rubbish, dishes. Yes, I made beds and did laundry but he did all else
Another person would take me shopping and put it away each fortnight (alternative weeks). I have great difficulty getting groceries home. I lie on bed then "forget" to put things into cupboards
Every month my lawns were mowed with once a quarter the gardens weeded and tidied - here, both jobs really need doing every 4-6 weeks
Twice a year the windows were cleaned including screens
All paid from the assistance package
I semi jokingly said I was forgetting how to do dishes. However, I seem to have actually forgotten what to do to clean the floors. I've removed most of the sticky part but can still see stain
I sprayed residue in bathroom with vinegar which softened the matter to wipe most but I cannot work out how to remove the remainder. I cannot bend to scrub and haven't found a long handled brush suited to task
Washing the bath is out of the question
Am feeling all kinds of negativity around my lack of capacity
Also, realisation that mobility issues are created as much by sh as congenital concerns, hitting hard
Ta for reading
I was thinking about my distractedness around housework. It has been several years, but less than ten, since I did all my own chores. A lovely gentleman came every fortnight for the first three years. He would thoroughly clean so all I had to do was put out rubbish, dishes. Yes, I made beds and did laundry but he did all else
Another person would take me shopping and put it away each fortnight (alternative weeks). I have great difficulty getting groceries home. I lie on bed then "forget" to put things into cupboards
Every month my lawns were mowed with once a quarter the gardens weeded and tidied - here, both jobs really need doing every 4-6 weeks
Twice a year the windows were cleaned including screens
All paid from the assistance package
I semi jokingly said I was forgetting how to do dishes. However, I seem to have actually forgotten what to do to clean the floors. I've removed most of the sticky part but can still see stain
I sprayed residue in bathroom with vinegar which softened the matter to wipe most but I cannot work out how to remove the remainder. I cannot bend to scrub and haven't found a long handled brush suited to task
Washing the bath is out of the question
Am feeling all kinds of negativity around my lack of capacity
Also, realisation that mobility issues are created as much by sh as congenital concerns, hitting hard
Ta for reading
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
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Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts
It's a long night.....
I've sh in a way that I thought was in past
Spoke with sister. Dad just as feisty as ever. No changes. She sometimes yells back at him. Not good for her health but at times is only way Dad calms
She said that nothing better happen to her as there's no-one to step up, do what she does. True. She is literally house keeper, cook, driver, pays bills, and has 3-4 days of paid employment. Minds her grandchildren, arranges outings, special occasion celebrations
Our brother is interstate, has work, own family. He is more interested in parental estate than parents. Expects them to fall off their perch soonest because they are past their use by date
If he were in charge, parents would be in nursing home, family house sold, end of story
If I were in charge, we'd have more varied menu - my sister has limited kitchen skills. I'd be in tears every time Dad yelled, back to being small child, adult either dissociating or otherwise stepping out. Think Dad would be taken against his will to nursing home for people with dementia, meaning almost a prison like situation
Mum and I would need to reduce clutter. Distribute sister's items amongst her daughters - this assuming she is no longer around, not simply incapacitated
I'd have to drive parental car as neither hold a licence - Dad was told to cease driving after very minor stroke; Mum put car keys on table after almost colliding with another vehicle in shopping centre car park, saying that was her last driving time. Both happened several years ago
Living in family home would have a raft of issues for me
So, we hope and pray nothing happens to my sister
Her boss has been variously tolerant and upset about my sister's tardiness, driving parents to appointments - why can she not do this on day off, etc. Now, however, boss is looking after her mother in law. Appointments never cease and she cannot make times to see Dr on days off. There is more understanding of my sister and situation for which I am relieved and pleased - though not about her MIL having illness - makes a happier workplace
My sister is great at what she does. I would be hopeless. When she leaves, they will sorely miss her
Dad refused to complete govt paperwork to allow sister to be their official carer so she has a full plate
The rental agency staff suggested I appoint a medical power of attorney. Sister agreed. Tonight however she said because H and I are not divorced, H would be my automatic person to say what happens should I be incapacitated
So, she thinks giving her provisional guardianship would overrule H - who wouldn't have my best interest at heart, and is also why I wouldn't ask my son for legal representation. His Dad would be in background with advice which son likely would follow
Cannot get out of head that I inadvertently gave son's clothes to op shop. Some never worn. Was last year when I moved. I am such an idiot, so stupid - the kindergarten tops and grade six graduation shirt can never be replaced. Son forgave me when I explained but I cannot forgive myself
Sister said she would house Soxy rather than give him to strangers or in a shelter. They already have a few cats plus a dog. Don't know how Soxy would be in a multiple pet family. I have been thinking he'd like to sit on a knee most of the day - and Dad would be only person available much of the time. Would Soxy help Dad to calm? If I am gone, at least that might be a nice legacy
Dad has been dying for past ten years according to sister, but I think he has had a death wish much longer. One day, he felt poorly. Spoke about his funeral, so sis wrote it, Dad signed, and nothing more said
He's always said that when a persons time was up, then they go. But it seems he is fighting to live because if he truly wanted to fall asleep forever, he surely would accept minimal medical help? Not keep taking one tablet and injection after another, stop agreeing to procedures designed to prolong life?
Feel sad for Mum. She is a very gentle woman who only sees the best in everyone. Sis says mum cries when dad yells but little else. Mum used to attempt to calm dad but I think she maybe either has given up or doesn't remember how any more. Sis says Mum sometimes walks out when Dad yells, which makes him annoyed but Mum is smart. She goes outside or to toilet then out. Dad hasn't been outside voluntarily for a while. If it is PM, she takes dog walking. Or she waters garden
Apparently, if Dad hasn't calmed when Mum returns, she turns around and goes out again
Mum attends day care places four days a week and has fortnightly bus trip followed by lunch, so is out of house nine days a fortnight, except for school holidays and January - when she attends holiday activities
Tonight (early AM) I think all those what ifs. Had I never been born, would parents have been happier? If I'd been less naughty, more compliant, would childhood trauma have been reduced? Even not occur? What could I have done, not done, so Dad wouldn't need to be angry? You get my drift. No answers. Aren't any. Thoughts swirling. Hope by saying here that I'll stop and go to sleep for the two hours or so before alarm
Damn sh is filling so many areas of self soothing and hatred expression , hurting self rather than lashing out at Dad ... Poor Soxy got shoved off the bed one day this week just because I was cold and couldn't pull up blanket. Is that what happens for Dad? He yells because he doesn't know what else to do? Family got in his way so out of frustration he hit out? Not trying to excuse but to comprehend
A Dr on YouTube talks about giving self a high by rubbing thumb nails together for about a minute then holding thumb nails pressed between fingers until brain registers a high. Well, I cannot feel any difference. Seriously wonder whether I have any feel good receptors. Think programmed to feel miserable. Nothing laughable even when people tell jokes or do nice stuff. I'm appreciative but nothing more
Am a total waste of space - given my spiritual beliefs - I consider these negative thoughts are from God's enemy. Am scared one day twill result in accidentally su
Not wanting any refutation - can do that too. Just hoping I can share honestly then close eyes without seeing my funeral
As for Dad's funeral - doubt many would attend. His immediate family all dead. Ditto those with whom he played bowls and colleagues - assuming any thought highly enough of him to want to go. Dad left employers over 30 years back in favour of self employment but he hasn't done that for 15-20 or so years
And my funeral would likely be small from family of origin with numbers increased by Church family
Try for a little more slumber ...
I've sh in a way that I thought was in past
Spoke with sister. Dad just as feisty as ever. No changes. She sometimes yells back at him. Not good for her health but at times is only way Dad calms
She said that nothing better happen to her as there's no-one to step up, do what she does. True. She is literally house keeper, cook, driver, pays bills, and has 3-4 days of paid employment. Minds her grandchildren, arranges outings, special occasion celebrations
Our brother is interstate, has work, own family. He is more interested in parental estate than parents. Expects them to fall off their perch soonest because they are past their use by date
If he were in charge, parents would be in nursing home, family house sold, end of story
If I were in charge, we'd have more varied menu - my sister has limited kitchen skills. I'd be in tears every time Dad yelled, back to being small child, adult either dissociating or otherwise stepping out. Think Dad would be taken against his will to nursing home for people with dementia, meaning almost a prison like situation
Mum and I would need to reduce clutter. Distribute sister's items amongst her daughters - this assuming she is no longer around, not simply incapacitated
I'd have to drive parental car as neither hold a licence - Dad was told to cease driving after very minor stroke; Mum put car keys on table after almost colliding with another vehicle in shopping centre car park, saying that was her last driving time. Both happened several years ago
Living in family home would have a raft of issues for me
So, we hope and pray nothing happens to my sister
Her boss has been variously tolerant and upset about my sister's tardiness, driving parents to appointments - why can she not do this on day off, etc. Now, however, boss is looking after her mother in law. Appointments never cease and she cannot make times to see Dr on days off. There is more understanding of my sister and situation for which I am relieved and pleased - though not about her MIL having illness - makes a happier workplace
My sister is great at what she does. I would be hopeless. When she leaves, they will sorely miss her
Dad refused to complete govt paperwork to allow sister to be their official carer so she has a full plate
The rental agency staff suggested I appoint a medical power of attorney. Sister agreed. Tonight however she said because H and I are not divorced, H would be my automatic person to say what happens should I be incapacitated
So, she thinks giving her provisional guardianship would overrule H - who wouldn't have my best interest at heart, and is also why I wouldn't ask my son for legal representation. His Dad would be in background with advice which son likely would follow
Cannot get out of head that I inadvertently gave son's clothes to op shop. Some never worn. Was last year when I moved. I am such an idiot, so stupid - the kindergarten tops and grade six graduation shirt can never be replaced. Son forgave me when I explained but I cannot forgive myself
Sister said she would house Soxy rather than give him to strangers or in a shelter. They already have a few cats plus a dog. Don't know how Soxy would be in a multiple pet family. I have been thinking he'd like to sit on a knee most of the day - and Dad would be only person available much of the time. Would Soxy help Dad to calm? If I am gone, at least that might be a nice legacy
Dad has been dying for past ten years according to sister, but I think he has had a death wish much longer. One day, he felt poorly. Spoke about his funeral, so sis wrote it, Dad signed, and nothing more said
He's always said that when a persons time was up, then they go. But it seems he is fighting to live because if he truly wanted to fall asleep forever, he surely would accept minimal medical help? Not keep taking one tablet and injection after another, stop agreeing to procedures designed to prolong life?
Feel sad for Mum. She is a very gentle woman who only sees the best in everyone. Sis says mum cries when dad yells but little else. Mum used to attempt to calm dad but I think she maybe either has given up or doesn't remember how any more. Sis says Mum sometimes walks out when Dad yells, which makes him annoyed but Mum is smart. She goes outside or to toilet then out. Dad hasn't been outside voluntarily for a while. If it is PM, she takes dog walking. Or she waters garden
Apparently, if Dad hasn't calmed when Mum returns, she turns around and goes out again
Mum attends day care places four days a week and has fortnightly bus trip followed by lunch, so is out of house nine days a fortnight, except for school holidays and January - when she attends holiday activities
Tonight (early AM) I think all those what ifs. Had I never been born, would parents have been happier? If I'd been less naughty, more compliant, would childhood trauma have been reduced? Even not occur? What could I have done, not done, so Dad wouldn't need to be angry? You get my drift. No answers. Aren't any. Thoughts swirling. Hope by saying here that I'll stop and go to sleep for the two hours or so before alarm
Damn sh is filling so many areas of self soothing and hatred expression , hurting self rather than lashing out at Dad ... Poor Soxy got shoved off the bed one day this week just because I was cold and couldn't pull up blanket. Is that what happens for Dad? He yells because he doesn't know what else to do? Family got in his way so out of frustration he hit out? Not trying to excuse but to comprehend
A Dr on YouTube talks about giving self a high by rubbing thumb nails together for about a minute then holding thumb nails pressed between fingers until brain registers a high. Well, I cannot feel any difference. Seriously wonder whether I have any feel good receptors. Think programmed to feel miserable. Nothing laughable even when people tell jokes or do nice stuff. I'm appreciative but nothing more
Am a total waste of space - given my spiritual beliefs - I consider these negative thoughts are from God's enemy. Am scared one day twill result in accidentally su
Not wanting any refutation - can do that too. Just hoping I can share honestly then close eyes without seeing my funeral
As for Dad's funeral - doubt many would attend. His immediate family all dead. Ditto those with whom he played bowls and colleagues - assuming any thought highly enough of him to want to go. Dad left employers over 30 years back in favour of self employment but he hasn't done that for 15-20 or so years
And my funeral would likely be small from family of origin with numbers increased by Church family
Try for a little more slumber ...
Last edited by Fleur on Fri Nov 09, 2018 6:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
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Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts
Fleur,
Reading along on your week's experiences; there is quite a lot going on. Glad the inspection was good overall.
Feeling anger about your dad's words and his temper. So unfair that people can just throw up their anger all over other people, and when it is a child...so much hurt. I understand the apathy toward his health and decline.
I think you are such a brave, persistent person.
Hoping you have a nice weekend,
<3
ws
Reading along on your week's experiences; there is quite a lot going on. Glad the inspection was good overall.
Feeling anger about your dad's words and his temper. So unfair that people can just throw up their anger all over other people, and when it is a child...so much hurt. I understand the apathy toward his health and decline.
I think you are such a brave, persistent person.
Hoping you have a nice weekend,
<3
ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi
Rumi
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Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts
Thank you wolfspirit
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
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Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts
Fleur,
Anger, apathy towards father held in is understandable, given how he's ruled all with his temper and tyranny.
Depression= anger turned inward.
When I first started getting anger out, it wasn't well controlled. Let's just say it's evolved.
I still write it out sometimes, including anger at my parents, as if telling them off. Maybe it's time to do that again, and include siblings, gov't, society,abusive Ts, mean so-called friends, etc. Will need a notebook. Better than eating my feelings.
Anger, apathy towards father held in is understandable, given how he's ruled all with his temper and tyranny.
Depression= anger turned inward.
When I first started getting anger out, it wasn't well controlled. Let's just say it's evolved.
I still write it out sometimes, including anger at my parents, as if telling them off. Maybe it's time to do that again, and include siblings, gov't, society,abusive Ts, mean so-called friends, etc. Will need a notebook. Better than eating my feelings.
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
I deserve better than survival.
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- Joined: Sun Dec 28, 2014 11:31 pm
Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts
Hi Fleur,
Lots of thoughts going on.
Glad you could share them here. Hope it resulted in some peaceful , less distressing sleep.
Reading along offering caring.
Lots of thoughts going on.
Glad you could share them here. Hope it resulted in some peaceful , less distressing sleep.
Reading along offering caring.