Fleur's 2018 thoughts

[Noname]

Hi Fleur,

I wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you. Cats do love jumping up and scaring people, don't they? Also, for tiny creatures how on Earth do they take up so much space?

NN

[Fleur]

Hello NN


Thank you for your thoughts. Today, Soxy was tucked up near my stomach. Made it hard to get out of bed. He wasn't moving or going anywhere - until he so chose, smile


Wishing you a happy Monday

[wolfspirit]

Fleur,
Keeping tabs on you <3
Sorry you're so tired.
My youngest daughter has real trouble with her sleep. I have to lie down next to her until she falls asleep (anxiety) and then she wakes quite often calling my name. I have very interrupted sleep, too. It's hard.

Sending gentle hugs to you and Soxy the cat squasher

<3
ws

[there]

Fleur,
Certain people can make it easier for me to be fully around them. Others make it harder. That might be where the power of now, or being present, in my body, senses, especially, could help, if I work at it.

Agreed that a good book makes me feel comfortably 'there'

Thanks for explaining" cat squash". That makes perfect sense!

I "cat sat" for a kitten for a while. She insisted on sleeping curled up on the pillow on the top of my head my hair probably made her feel like she was with her mother!?

[Fleur]

Hello wolfspirit


Think my lack of sleeping routine stems from way back. Saw horrible stuff between parents when I was 11. After that, i would not go to sleep until I heard my mother was safely in bed. Somehow, I got the idea that it was all right to sleep once that occurred. Then my son had night terrors. He would wake several times every night, meaning I had very interrupted sleep. I feel for both you and your daughter. Hopefully, with the latest T in her life, she shall soon learn to settle without needing you to comfort her




Hello there


Sorry yet glad to know I am not the only person on this planet to experience these phenomena. Surely makes life more complicated, sigh

Thank you for commenting about kitten sitting - conjures lovely pictures


Since sharing about the squash cat, Soxy has been the very model of politeness. He has informed me of the intention to jump up and slept in an inconspicuous space on the bed each night


Need to shower, dress, eat - and feed Soxy - and do some laundry (I haven't put out last week's basket load, oops). Saying it here so that it might actually become reality - oh and put food shopping into pantry. That's been sitting in the lounge room for a few days. No wonder the rental agency staff are concerned


Cheers

[there]

Fleur,
Good for you putting groceries away in pantry.
Supporting you in putting out laundry load. You've got this!

Smiling at Soxy being so polite

[Fleur]

Thank you very much there. Really appreciate your post

One wash load on lind about to be brought in. Second got left - lack of energy and pain

Next house inspection is next Thursday 8th Nov. I don't know what changes she seeks. I guess any positive step would be great

Bought kitty litter but forgot liners - I'll use rubbish bags like last time

Got Soxy into trouble - thought he'd used floor for urine. But no it was pineapple juice, so now have that stickiness to handle

Finally saw T today. She away since August. Lots to tell her



THIS MIGHT TRIGGER THOSE WHO HAD/HAVE PARENTS WHO WERE OKAY & "GOOD ENOUGH"



Afterwards, spoke with my sister. Dad is 89. More frail than when i last saw him in December. Has a disorder related to ageing. Dr will monitor by monthly blood test and give blood transfusions when required. His lungs, heart, kidneys and now bone marrow are impacting his level of health. Sis wanted him to get to 100. But now aiming for 90, first half of next year. Asked how much these disorders will shorten life, Dr said "piece of string"; could be months to a few more years

I said I won't visit due to my ongoing infections - I'd hate to pass on anything. Don't need that guilt. Dad refuses to talk on phone, so that's out too

Mum has Alzheimer's. Sister chose to not say about Dad to her. First, she might simply forget but second it could upset her too much - as advised by another Dr. Mum knows Dad has become more frail, harder to shake off illness, and everything is " age related". Fortunately, Mum is in good physical health. Dad refuses to see any Dr unless it is for the routine visits, so he has monthly times with GP and some regular scheduled specialistsl appointments, meaning mostly each fortnight there is a medical opinion with blood pressure (he is very high) and other regular checks

Where my sister works, they are extremely accommodating, so getting to work late and leaving late are now acceptable. At least it means she is not driving in bumper to bumper peak times

However, a regular customer always has the same convo - put your parents in a home and get a life, get to work earlier etc. She has explained the position - no-one ready for care situation. And now it seems Dad might never need any additional out if home care with current diagnoses

How do I feel? I really do not know. I put it into context of young man at church refusing to wed because he has a prognosis such that he doesn't want to leave a young widow. Dad has seen great grandchildren arrive. He enjoyed as active a life as he wanted when younger. Some of his health issues were brought about from his employment, some from his foul temper

You never know, I might visit my mother occasionally if I knew he was no longer in their house


Thank you for listening

[Fleur]

Good morning......


Been thinking more about Dad - as if he wasn't daily in my head anyway. Some of the rottenness led to me sh, feeling su by at least seven and other dysfunctional family issues

Was my mother in denial? Did she truly not know what her spouse did to two older children?

A few years back my brother gave Dad a cup with the wording "world's greatest Dad"; I felt ill. Okay, he might not deserve " worst Dad " title but "greatest"? I don't think so

I'm thinking of all the times he'd fix electrical appliances, change light bulbs, rectify fuses, etc etc for various people. On the occasions he wanted my help, he'd be so kind, gentle, patient, understanding of these widows and others. Apparently happily listening to their tales. Always refused to accept money for the job, even when he used parts.

On the way home or after he returned, it would be a completely different story. How much that part cost him or complaining about having to hear (sometimes more than once) what they shared - quite likely out if loneliness. I even heard him compliment women on their cooking only to listen at home as he told Mum about the stale or otherwise distasteful cake he was " forced" to eat.

Actually, the more I recall his two faced opinions, the more similar Dad and my H appear. I cannot trust either one.

..............

At T session, I unwisely used a word to imply I wanted to excise certain memories to consign them to ocean depths. T reminded me that not knowing what had happened was worse than being aware. Our imagination takes flights of fancy. If we know what occurred, we can refute the imaginary. When we have a gap, we can only suggest perhaps this or that or the other was reality - but we never know, so instead of the actuality we have several scenarios each probably worse than the one before and it is this lack of concrete information that sent me into tail spins over the years. Teasing out my fact from family fiction took a long while. I knew that Dad in particular but also to a lesser extent my brother and even my sister and mother were not completely innocent - but neither was I as I retaliated in some horrendous ways.

As of last night, I recognise that because I couldn't hurt Dad, as he was physically strong and nothing I said or did obviously affected him - he'd turn my words around or pretend everything was fine when i deliberately mis set his table placement. Mum told me off and that backfired well and truly.

So ... I hurt myself. And I used to think or maybe say aloud "I'll show you" but I only ever hurt me, no-one apart from perhaps Mum were at all affected by my sh

Dissociation was a good way to escape the yuck. Not a conscious awareness of choice - it just happened. Never had a label until many years, a few decades, later

Pretend friends - started as purely imaginary in response to Dad demanding I make friends - or else he'd kill Mum in front of me and then kill me. I'd have been a month or so shy of seventh birthday

Those pretend friends came unbidden in my adolescence to 20s with some amusing (in hindsight) consequences but also some serious law breaking stuff. How to explain "not me" when there is only one body?

As we said at Ts yesterday, tomorrow I'll go as a confident adult into Church to lead out and guide Bible discussion, yet the "real me" will be curled up in bed, terrified of the crazy f* up world which is so damn dangerous. However, only one body, so which is the authentic?

One moment, one breath, at a time ....

[dancingfish]

Here reading along, Fleur. One breath at a time, as you say. You lived through so much danger, and needless hurt and confusion. Sending caring and kindness over your way, with a pat for Soxy should he want it. :)

[Couragetoday]

Hi Fleur,

Maybe the confidence, leadership, and terror are all authentic aspects....

Here with you, breathing, offering friendship.

Couragetoday