There's Healing Journey 2018

[there]

Thanks , anyone who reads my words here.
Thank you, ws,
for reading my poem.

I felt good about turning some of the pain into a poem. Feels like opening a window to let fresh air into a stifling place.

Someone in the building asked me to walk downtown for an errand. It was good to spend some time with A. Feels like a big relief to have a friendly person for some company.

I went to the 9:30 church service. Two women introduced themselves to me afterwards. That made me feel good. The music and singing hymns were the best part. The pastor is ok.

Amazingly, I slept straight through last night. Will be sure to meditate/sing today. Want to see A in building who said I could call her.

Trying to get Epson scanner re-installed after computer fix. Big loop of not working. Maybe I will let myself rest more today.

Got Chinese takeout and played 21 with M. today.

Really want to escape life situation at times.

Better today, though, much.

[Couragetoday]

Hi there,

Really great you were able to create your poem when feeling so rough.thanks for sharing it.
Also nice to hear you had some friendly company & had an ok experience at church.

Reading along quietly,

Couragetoday

[there]

Couragetoday,
Always wonderful to see your post. Thanks so much for reading my poem, too.

Church was mostly ok.

Not going to teach today.

Need to stand up to T and haven't managed it yet.

Feel like crying about how much of my life has been eaten up by abuse.
F'ing hurts. Feeling helpless and powerless today hurts. Gonna cry.

Have to some more stuff for Vocational counselor meeting tomorrow.
She's ok, good and bad.

I don't want to sink to hating my life today.


edited 1x for spelling, changed trig warning from NT to MT
there

[wolfspirit]

there,
Sometimes we revisit the depth of the abuse and trauma. I'm really not sure why. Like our brains have this extra spin cycle or something. It's no fun to feel the pain of our story.
I am still sloshing around in my story and I still can't handle it alone.

I hope you can stand up to your T as you want. I'll pocket ride if you want.

<3
ws

[there]

ws,
I was thinking of asking for pocket riders to T. Definitely taking you up on the offer.
Feeling intensely pissed at her for a # of things.
Maybe will write it down to say. And then chicken out when I'm in there.

Also don't like the vocational counselor too much. Have to go, though.

Such anger and despair about entire adult life. Never allowed to reach my potential. And getting scared of it as I helped myself.
Was it because bitch ex- best friend said , "What's the matter , fear of success?'

Thanks, every fucking piece of crap in my life whom I've turned to who treated me like what you are-crap.

[wolfspirit]

there,
I hear you. It often feels like we are fighting to keep ourselves stable and happy. As if we aren't already.
So many obstacles that take our hope and purpose.
But you are one of the most determined people I have met. You can set your mind to what you want and keep going. I admire your tenacity, your grit, your dedication to be who you are despite all of the abuse and push back.

You are sensitive to the behavior and actions of those people in your life, both that are there to support you and those that care only for themselves. I see that your hurt becomes anger. Anger takes your power back. Don't let the words they've said stick in your mind. They're wrong. They are not your truth.

Pocket riding to your therapy appt. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do is to tell my T when she has hurt me. I start the conversation with this- "I have some things I need to tell you about and I am scared to. I am worried about your reaction."
I have done this a few times now. She has been okay with all of it. She asks me what I need from her. We discuss boundaries and honesty.
Not sure if that helps at all.

<3
ws

[Fleur]

Hello there


Great to know you have had some positives recently with interactions including A and M

Wish that positive stuff could override the not so great in life

Happy to pocket ride


Soft caring hugs

[there]

Ashia, I agree with the trigger warning change. You beat me to it. just wondering if "excessive use of profanity" means just "a lot of profanity".
If profanity is allowed in a post, how is it excessive? That word sounds seems like a criticism. Seems too me I'm being told I'm swearing too much.
I don't understand why you'd use that word. Please tell me, if you would.

[there]

Ok, just reviewed forum guidelines. "Excessive use of profanity".

I'm not arguing that using more than three profanities won't trigger anyone. Couldn't you use the word "severe" like the in the trigger, or some other qualifier?
Merriam Webster online dictionary says this: "excessive implies an amount or degree too great to be reasonable or acceptable."
It's obviously acceptable on the site, if not for an MT trigger. The word seems like a value judgment. Seriously, how could any survivor swear too much about abuse?
I'm not all up in arms about this, but thinking critically. I really question using the word "excessive" in this way.

Thank you for considering my reasoning.

[there]

wolfspirit,
Thanks for sharing your way of addressing T hurting you. I didn't get it out yesterday.mI thought of writing it on the patient portal, but that's because I feel afraid to really say it.

Thank you for saying tis : But you are one of the most determined people I have met. You can set your mind to what you want and keep going. I admire your tenacity, your grit, your dedication to be who you are despite all of the abuse and push back.


I want to tell myself this because I hardly ever feel determined, or tenacious, or like I possess grit. But if that's how you see me, I'll trust you on that. And I'll do my best to nourish myself on your words now.

Yes, I'm doing what I can to let people's disregard be theirs and not hold onto it so much. Not like it's dear life.
It happens around people all the dang time. Someone I said hi to in the elevator just said, "Are you still here after all these years?" nThat's the kinda thing I feel horrible and angry about. But today, I'm going to my level best to bypass her ig'nance. This happening right now. Fighting it.

Btw, "I like the description "sloshing around in my story". Beats wallowing. Maybe we could have some colorful Wellies on, too?



Fleur,
Yes, the positives outweighing the not so great would be awesome. For now, I'm going to make the effort to look more for the positive and emphasize it to myself.

I HAVE been feeling stronger and more determined and able to follow through lately. I got everything done for the Mass Rehab counselor appt. yesterday. She was out sick, but phoned today. Scared as I sometimes feel, I want to do more.
She said she was really impressed that I did it all, that most people don't move on it. I said that they're putting an investment in me to do this. I want to match it. More about this in future.

These are some positives I'm going to keep in mind right now to the best of my ability.

Pocket ride offer good for later, too?