There's Healing Journey 2018

[there]

Thank you, Ct, and Fleur,
Jacket was good today, also. Learning to unzip it while walking to let sweat evaporate, stay minimal. If sweat stays in, it will chill and make me colder.

Thanks, Ct, for what you said about Germer's book. Makes me feel ok about how I have slowed down inner child/grief work.

Fleur, at the Solstice, it's dark at about 4:10- 4:15 p.m. Then sundown starts getting later again.

Tula had a great romp while I walked with new jacket unzipped.

Had a store coupon . Bought 3 cotton winter tops. Best to wear just 1 light layer under omni-heat jacket. Oh, right! they're in the dryer.

tbc........

Mantra meditation done. 2 more routines to go today/tonight.

Brother called. When he dropped the guillotine last week, he said that he'd still call Mon & Wed on his way back from work at office.
Told him I'm done needing him for emotional support. His wife has long been and will continue to be emotionally and verbally abusive to me when I am with them at "family" occasions. Told him I'm not showing up for the abuse anymore, starting with Thanksgiving.

He's always said, "She's like that to everyone." And he accepts her this way. That's his deal. I don't accept it any freaking more.

Told him it will always hurt me to be with 'family' because they all either did it to me, or let it happen to me. If I had a house, my sibling could stay there. I wouldn't let them go through what family has always let me go through as an adult. Told brother this. Again.
I said I guess you have to go through it to understand and show mercy.

A phone call is not merciful. I do resent siblings, they were kept safe , in effect, because I was scapegoated. Told him that, too, which he already knew. In our 20s he said to me once, "You went through this so I didn't have to." This really showed me my value.

Yes, he's learned a lot. Not enough for me to believe his words that he loves me. Not in any way that shows me I matter or really count.

I think marriage sucks and so does the nuclear family.

There's more to it with brother, but enuf for now here.

Dad offered for me to live with him in his house when he was alive. But Dad kept his relationship to older brother who molested me. Guess who'd be coming to visit and stay?

I'm still angry at my parents and they're gone.

Hurt and angry and I need to function, not be hurting. Inspection Wednesday. Have been soooo tired.

[dancingfish]

Jacket sounds lovely, there! As does Tula romping. :)

It can be hard to set such boundaries, but it sounds like it is what you need. Sometimes I wonder if siblings hide themselves from the truth of what they avoided, because it's too horrible for them to contemplate, and they may have guilt. Not sure, not easy for you to deal with in any case.

Sending you care and good luck for inspection, may it be okay for you. :)

[there]

Thank you, df,
Helps to see your post soon after mine. Thanks for reading any of it.

Is true what you said about siblings. Thanks for your words of empathy.

I love to think of Tula romping. She's part whippet, so runs like the wind. She's 10 human years old.

[solana]

hi there,

I've been catching up on your 2018 journey. sorry to come in so late.

i hear your hurt and anger regarding your family. glad to hear you stood up to your brother; way to go.

Tula sounds amazing! love hearing about her. so glad you have eachother.

[Fleur]

Hello there


Friends we choose but not family members - and the ones who are supposedly closest to us, protect us, love us unconditionally - can be the ones who hurt us most

Glad your brother calls twice weekly - not the same as each day but regular contact. I was concerned he might have reduced contact even further

Think you need to have boundaries re your sister in law. For your sake. Hopefully you have some ideas for another way to celebrate Thanksgiving

Tops will be snuggly warm after being in dryer

Sunset about 4 is early but not the time of closer to 3 that I had imagined. Our winter days end around 4:50 at Solstice, so not a great difference - means I used to get home from school before dark whereas I returned well after sunset when working

Very much appreciate your relating about Tula. She truly sounds delightful

May you enjoy rest of your day


Caring hugs


(Tula listening to your music)

[Couragetoday]

Hi there,

Here reading along.
Very sorry the dynamics with brother are the way they are at the moment.
Wishing I had better words to offer / show caring.

Couragetoday

[there]

ty, Fleur, Ct,
Was 'sposed to take Tula for checkup, drop-off at 7:15.
No way with inspection tomorrow, and how tired I've been.

Ready for it...this too shall pass ...inspection.

Saw T today. Blah, blah.

Not talking with brother on Wed.
Mon, Wed, calls ---that was his offer when he suddenly cut off our daily calls.
He doesn't hurt me like that, showing me I matter less and am expendable, and then expect business as usual.
Told him.
I need him to take me to get an iPad with my $ from my Dad's will. $ is managed by brothers. Don't feel like explaining that.

Might go to a turkey dinner at a local church on 17th.

It's 1 am.
Heavy sigh.

Have done all energy routine stuff, practiced/played some piano.
Am going to my open space in present awareness now.

[Fleur]

Good morning there


Although I'm guessing more like afternoon for you?

Really hope you slept well after being awake beyond midnight

Hopefully it shall be easy to reschedule Tula's check and I'm sending positives for passing house inspection

May you soon have an iPad - whether as a new or replacement piece of technology. People say they are great. So far, I'm happily staying with "smart" phone

Church lunch on 17th sounds like a good idea. Trust by "local" you mean you can easily attend. Will Tula accompany you?

We had three service dogs once at a dinner. They were all extremely well behaved - not so for a few people. Organisers explained the animals were not pets as such and needed to be left alone. I cringe inside as I recall one dog retreating underneath a table to escape one small child's attention - she pulled ears and tail without parental correction

May you and Tula enjoy the day and a refreshing sleep


Caring hugs

[there]

hi, fleur,
Thanks for your thoughtful post.

did vpass inspection weithbcompliments from housing mgr. She's not like the commandant who used to wield her 'white gloved finger', sour personality, and threats of eviction. but I'm getting and I will try to stay better borganized and clean.

iPad will mainly be for doing art for$ online. Heaven help me.

Not sure I will bring Tula. I treat her too much to my leftovers. She would probably start whining for food. Unless I kept her fed. Idk yet. Yes, is close by. Or might have an inexpensive T'giving dinner delivered , like last year.

T is kind of a b!+@# in a non-specific way. She does this distancing thing.

My older sister does something similar, like she might catch something from me. Irony is, my sister is the one who abused me.

I certainly have need to feel superior! (irony).

Feel bad about how I'm snippy to people at times, yell angrily at situations when I'm alone in apt. I think it makes Tula aggressive at times. My bad influence.

Sigh.

Solution is infusion of joy!?

A guy is Sort of flirting with/interested in me. Bus driver. Should be intellectually stimulating, right? He seems very kind to other passengers, nthough. That's emotional intelligence. I usually get ambivalent about 'dating'.

Goingbto play 'fetch' in hall with Tula to give her some activity. So cold out.

[Couragetoday]

Hi there,

Big congrats on the inspection! Really nice to hear this housing manager sounds more level headed.

I feel real bad about being snippy to people sometimes also. (Was thinking of this too, very recently).
I suppose it’s part of being human?

Hope it’s not as cold where you are. Unseasonably cold here last couple days.

With caring

Couragetoday