There's Healing Journey 2018

[there]

Fleur,
Sorry I didn't respond to your previous post. I did read it. Thanks for the idea for tasty dog coolers.

Sad, angry, tired this late morning. Got to sleep after 2 AM. Yippee!! Did some pillow pounding as if it was heads of different people who are so ridiculous to me. Discharging some pissed off energy probably helped me to finally sleep.

Another hot day here coming. It might be a very warm September and October here again, too.

Really need to keep my head above water emotionally.
Doing my best to feel spiritually connected to my brother, R.

Yesterday, I designed a flyer for an activity I'll do in my class. Maybe I'll print it out at the library today.

[Fleur]

Dear there


Wonderful to know you are planning classwork even as you find it difficult to sleep etc

A T suggested releasing angst well before bedtime to aid rest, but it is not an easy thing - either the timing or reducing emotions etc

Sometimes, my memories flit in just as slumber is about to descend

Wouldn't it be great to average out our respective temperatures? Yeah, impossible but - if zero degrees C here could have mixed with your heatwave, I think we might both have been happier


Sweet dreams sent your way, with a lovely day to follow

Caring hugs

[there]

Hi, Fleur,
Much cooler here after record high temps yesterday.

Just did energy medicine routine, brief qigong exercise.

Am checking in before I go back to sleep for an hour or two.

Got to sleep before 11 pm last night. Thankful.

Will return later to post about yesterday's positive vocational rehab appt.

[iwillthrive]

There,

Just catching up and thinking of you. Few words but want you to know I’m always listening.

iwt

[there]

Hi, iwt,
Thanks for your caring post.

Just started reading a kindle book about how to stop being a people-pleaser. The point about people-pleasing having its roots in childhood or other relationships is touching a nerve or 3.

It's nothing I don't already know. It just has me looking again at ways I abandon myself, and seeing a little more pointedly when this started, with whom, what relationships. I was taught, either intentionally or just through nobody caring as much about me as I needed and deserved as a child, that I wasn't as valuable as the person who wanted to control me.

My development, growing, education, blossoming into her own person weren't valued or were actively devalued.

I'm feeling grief and sadness as I acknowledge it again in this new context of wanting to stop people-pleasing or abandoning my own hopes, dreams,plans.


I've been taught, in many ways, to have little or no hope of realizing my dreams, desires, potential.It's like I have a barrier between me and who I might have become, was meant to be, want to become, ever wanted to become.

No freaking wonder I've given up on myself or my dreams or goals so many times. Add to the miseducation all the illness, abuses by hospitals, therapists, and other abusive people I allowed in my life.

Sorry to be sounding negative. It's real. I'm not going to beat myself up for it, but have compassion for myself about this.

Thanks for reading.

[Fleur]

Dear there


Many therapies/Ts say about adverse childhood experience being similar to the grief and loss cycle. It IS reality but I am so sad and sorry that it occurred for you

Great you are noticing patterns without beating yourself - and I know you are exploring not only
understanding but also healing, changing ways of behaving, etc

Not easy. In your corner cheering you on


Sent with hugs

[wolfspirit]

there,
I love that you are always reading and thinking about your healing journey. Noticing something that is causing you pain (people-pleasing) and facing it head on. Reexamining the reasons behind it and having to feel the original pain of the wound.
I am right there with you, reading and thinking about purpose and the Self.
We have experienced so many things that we have to redesign and make our own.

The last two weeks, we looked at emotional and physical boundaries in the intensive psychiatric outpatient program I'm in. It was hard to see why I have so many rigid boundaries. Why friendships are so hard.
It seems to always be there- the trauma- and we have to learn new ways to understand it and lessen its influence.

Sitting with you, reading my book on C-PTSD, petting our puppies and munching on orange sherbet.
Hoping you have some joy in your Sunday.

<3
ws

[there]

Fleur, Thanks very much for cheering me on. It means a lot to me.

ws, "We have experienced so many things that we have to redesign and make our own."

I recorded a meditation for myself using one from "Seeds of Light". It's called 'Taking Back Your Heart'. In some way, it feels related to giving my power away, which is one facet of abandoning myself 'at the altar', that I was posting about.

I want to do this meditation soon.

Second thoughts on graphic design career. Read some real experience from designers.

There's another yoga Nidra training online that I was interested in before I did the live certification back in June(?) Want to say more about it later.

First class back at S...One student was challenging in class. I felt like my guard was down, but I told her firmly to take her feet off the table. She didn't. I repeated it and said she had to put them on the floor. Then she did. It seems I stood my ground.

It just triggers victimhood and feeling like a doormat. and she is a student I'm fond of.

I'm going to make a greater effort to remember the positive things about interactions with people in my day.

[wolfspirit]

You just described what I'm dreading about going back to in a few weeks- the constant boundary setting we have to do when we work with children. And how they often choose not to respect them. How it feels when the boundaries are broken or ignored- that vulnerability space.
I know exactly what you mean.

Is there a way to give yourself some way to buffer that? A before or after class reset ritual? I need to think of one soon.
I know my overwhelm comes from that element of working with children, especially ones with trauma in their lives.

hugs,

ws

[there]

WS,
Thanks for empathizing and for your suggestions. Spoke with my supervisor today who allayed my worries.

Getting ready to go to other Library soon. Must eat something. Pocket Riders welcome.