My first post

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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chickadee
Member
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:06 am
Location: Northeast U.S.

My first post

Post by chickadee » Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:28 am

Hi, I'm new to this forum. I'm in my forties, have a successful career, a husband and a young child, and always thought the abuse I suffered during childhood wasn't that bad, and that I'd escaped it and moved on. There was only one instance of PA that I clearly remember, so that means I wasn't really PA-ed (this is what I told myself) and the abuse was only VA and EA, so it wasn't really that bad (I told myself to believe). It turns out I was wrong.

My life is imploding. My marriage is falling apart, and I've been diagnosed with PTSD. Since the birth of my daughter, I've experienced more and more anxiety, and have, unknowingly, stopped doing anything that triggered any negative emotion in me. No books with sad endings. No shows with any kind of violence whatsoever. Building a wall around myself, shutting my husband out. Not going out as much as I used to. On some days, having trouble getting out of the house at all.

I've recently started to put the abuse I suffered in context - - I think because my daughter is now the age I think I was when it started - - and I realize how awful it was. I'm remembering things more vividly and I'm in pain. I realized for the first time a few weeks ago that I was SA-ed by my father. Memories are coming back. I've just started EMDR, and I'm clinging to the hope that it will help me be a more fully functioning person.

I am so glad to have found this forum. In reading your posts, I realize that I'm not alone. Right now, I really need to feel that I'm not alone.

-chickadee
Last edited by Xanthia on Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed ST to MT
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian

chickadee

iwillthrive
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Posts: 610
Joined: Sat Aug 19, 2017 11:34 am

Re: My first post

Post by iwillthrive » Sat Sep 16, 2017 3:02 am

Chickadee,

You aren't alone. It's so hard when the memories first come. I'm sorry for what you have been through. Hoping you find support here and in your world.

Wishing you peace... iwillthrive
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Harmony
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Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:10 pm

Re: My first post

Post by Harmony » Sat Sep 16, 2017 3:06 am

Dear chickadee,

You did a great job posting your story. That was brave. Now welcome to our safe forum. You are so welcome here. We understand your experience here. It is amazing the impact after so many years isn't it? The good news is that with processing your memories and work and time you can heal. It is possible to feel better. Lots of folks are here at the site in all various states of healing. Yes it really was that bad. No comparing and no prizes given for the worst story. It is all tragic. I do think it becomes more powerful when our children become the age we were at the time of abuse. It is like the image of those innocents being hurt as we were becomes to real. It is too much to bear alone. Isurvive is company for the healing journey.

with care,
Harmony

Xanthia
Moderator
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Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2014 1:20 am

Re: My first post

Post by Xanthia » Sat Sep 16, 2017 5:44 am

Hi chickadee,

Welcome to iSurvive, a friendly nook of the Web.

May you find all the help and support you desire and deserve.

With care,
Xanthia

chickadee
Member
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:06 am
Location: Northeast U.S.

Re: My first post

Post by chickadee » Sat Sep 16, 2017 11:53 pm

Thank you for your kind and welcoming words, iwillthrive, Harmony and Xanthia.

-chickadee
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian

chickadee

Jonesy
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Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: My first post

Post by Jonesy » Sun Sep 17, 2017 8:45 am

Hi chickadee

A warm welcome from me too
You are important
Email: jonesy@hush.com

adiajacobs
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Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Dec 12, 2017 5:39 pm

Re: My first post

Post by adiajacobs » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:08 pm

Chickadee, I totally get the whole "it wasn't that bad" thought process! But no matter what it was, it WAS that bad for you. I've just started therapy myself and I can tell you I had no idea what the lasting effects on personality and self esteem were. I figured it was my story, I lived through it, it's over. But the truth is, we've got to actually address it, feel it, face it, and then restructure ourselves because of it.

You can do this. I can do this. We can do this. You are not alone. We are all here for a reason and here, is safe. Thank you for being here with us and sharing your story.
Adia
Last edited by Ashia on Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT

chickadee
Member
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:06 am
Location: Northeast U.S.

Re: My first post

Post by chickadee » Sun Jan 14, 2018 1:13 pm

Hi adiajacobs,
Thank you for your warm welcome.

chickadee
Last edited by Ashia on Mon Jan 15, 2018 7:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian

chickadee

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