Some of my earliest memories of my mother are her abusing me physically, verbally, emotionally. Most of the really bad stuff happened before I turned 4. There was a time of calm when we lived with my grandparents between ages of 4-8. Between 8-12 really bad stuff happened at the hand of both of my parents. Though I was a kid who got good grades, had a job, did what I was told (apposed to my younger brother) I have been the family scapegoat. My brother the golden child barley graduated, got into physical fights (even with teachers at school), never did anything around the house, etc.
I recently visited my mother and stayed with her in her home; the one I grew up in. It triggered so many things for me. We are both older now... I'm 53 and she is 73. She would like to sit next to be and put her hand on my leg or such. I can barley tolerate it. Everything in me recoils at her touch. She doesn't understand why I was so close with my grandmother and let her touch me but I am not with her.
My earliest memories of my mother is her digging her long sharp nails into the flesh of my forearm until I bled. She would do this while we were in grocery stores to make me behave. I remember standing and looking at the other kids and wondering why their parents treated them so much better. Somehow that ended and she started beating me with a wooden spoon. She carried it in her purse and beat me so hard she broke it. That is when she started carrying a pink plastic hair brush and using that to beat me.
When I was 3 she became pregnant with my brother. From the 1st moment she knew she kept telling me to not hurt the baby. I had no intention to hurt the baby. I didn't even know why I would want to hurt the baby.
It was during this time that she started to babysit a girl my age. The girl wet the bed yet my mother put her in my bed everyday and let this girl wet my bed. She changed the sheets everyday too. She would not listen when I told her I didn't like it. The girl and I would get into it as it made me angry. She and I would bite each other; often on the face. My mom was really only concerned about the girl and how she looked as an adult who allowed this. She was just mad at me.
My earliest memories are going to my grandmother for comfort from this mother of mine. My grandmother and I were super close and she often sat be on her lap or next to her and petted my arm for hours. She never hurt me. She taught me to read, write and do math before the age of 4. She took me on nature hikes and taught me the names of the wildflowers. I could never understand why my grandmother thought I was so wonderful while my mother seemed to hate me.
As an adult I have asked my mother why she made me bleed and she told me it was "because I was the worst child ever." She told me that "I put my nails into her too." She tells me that she is and was fully justified in her behavior. She doesn't remember the pink plastic hair brush and carrying it with her to beat me.
Now she wants to touch me and complains that I don't like physical affection from her. I do not know how to change this. The frightened child in me recoils in horror. It sets off panic attacks that don't go away for days. I was on a lot of anti-anxiety Rx for years and have gotten myself off all of it and have been clear for years. I don't want to go back to that. I would like to have a normal, healthy relationship with her but often I find I am just managing the situation. I can never fully relax around her. I'm not sure there is an answer to all of this. Therapists tell me that I am very strong to have come from such a family and be so successful. But I don't feel I get much out of that. I would prefer ways to help me cope, heal, trust. I don't want drugs and that seems to be the answer they give.
There is a whole lot more to my story but this is my issue today. I have found unpacking all the abuse at one time is too much for me. I'm hoping to deal with one at a time with the help of folks here who have gone through similar abuse. Thank you for reading and any advise
