My Story of Abuse

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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juliewr
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Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by juliewr » Thu Sep 07, 2017 2:24 pm

My relationship with my sisters is complicated.

They grew up in the same house, of course, but their experiences with my parents spanking abuse was different than mine. While they both received similar spankings and into their late teens as well, the regularity of theirs was not like mine. It seems that while I was spanked about once a week on average through age 18 both of them were maybe spanked monthly through that age. It is the difference between 52+ spankings a year and 12. To me, a massive difference.

My youngest sister is now 29, married with no kids yet. She does not associate with my parents in any way. She has spoken openly about their physical abuse and they cut her off.

My other sister is 32, the single mom of the niece in question. She is just like my parents. She has no concern at all that we were abused and think my other sister and I are crazy and outright disrespectful and wrong for suggesting it. She treats her daughter exactly how we were treated.

1000miles
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Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by 1000miles » Thu Sep 07, 2017 3:23 pm

Hi juliewr,

The differences in your experiences are interesting. My older brother, the oldest of us, received more physical abuse from my father than I did, by my reckoning. I would say my younger siblings received less, and the youngest hardly any. I think overall my parents battered and neglected me emotionally more than any of the others. It's complicated, of course. I'm the only one of us right now who calls my childhood abusive. The others will say that our parents made mistakes, but they put a lot of the blame on themselves. All of us have had serious troubles in adulthood. In childhood, our levels of issues pretty much tracked our ages, with the oldest having the most problems, and progressively less as you go down in age.

Sad to hear that you received so many "spankings." Glad you and one of your sisters are able to face the truth. Wishing you peace and comfort.

1000miles

Xanthia
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Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by Xanthia » Thu Sep 07, 2017 9:44 pm

Hi juliewr,

I'm glad you and one sister realize and call what happened in your family abuse. For that indeed is what those "spankings" were.

Perhaps because your niece lives with your other sister and her grandparents, it might be difficult to speak up. Asking for changes to occur possibly will be met with resistance, so probably a more desirable outcome could be via child protection agency.

Likely to be very hard. May you and niece be strengthened in seeking an end of this behavior.

Offering hugs,
Xanthia

Jonesy
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Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by Jonesy » Mon Sep 11, 2017 9:43 am

Hi juliewr

I am so glad you are still here and talking things over with us.

May I suggest, if you haven't already done so, that you also talk to your 29 year old sister to get her take on the situation?
May I also remind you that child protection is everybody's business and that turning a blind eye is not acceptable. Even if a report comes to nothing, at least that child has been flagged up and you will know you tried.

Sending you much support
You are important
Email: jonesy@hush.com

Ruminator
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Joined: Tue Jul 26, 2016 12:41 pm

Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by Ruminator » Mon Sep 11, 2017 1:01 pm

Hi and welcome juliewr. I'm so sorry for what you endured throughout your entire childhood. I'm not in a good place right now, but I wanted to lend my support and echo what others have said. That was definitely abuse. I also think you have done a great job stopping the cycle of abuse. I do agree with Jonesy. It's not easy and takes courage, but you need to report the abuse of your niece to authorities. I know the thought of that is very scary, but it's the right thing to do.

Wishing you peace and I'm here to listen as you work through your past.

Rumi
Last edited by Serenity on Tue Sep 12, 2017 1:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT

juliewr
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Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:24 pm

Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by juliewr » Thu Sep 14, 2017 2:16 pm

My niece was here this weekend. I was not sure how to even broach the subject, but an opportunity arose. She had a fever and decided to take a cold shower to help cool herself down. She forgot to bring a towel and called for me to bring one in. When I opened the door she was out of the shower facing away from me. I apologized, as I thought she was still in the shower, and quickly left the bathroom. She laughed and said it was ok. Well, for the split second I saw her I noticed a couple of faded bruises on her butt.

A little later I got up the courage to ask her about them. She told me she got the belt from her mom earlier that week, 15 spanks on her bare butt after a long hand spanking. It is basically what we would have received at that age. She went on to tell me that she gets spanked about once a week, again about what her mom and I would have received at her age of 12. She said that it is mostly her mom, but sometimes grandma and grandpa spank her too. She said that she and her best friend were spanked together by both of their moms a few times and that once of her moms past boyfriends also spanked her a couple of times. She was very non-emotional about it, which I remember also being at her age.

I called my other sister, not her mom, and shared what I had learned. Neither of us were surprised. This is basically how were were spanked at her age. We are going to get together this weekend and talk about what we should do. We live in a very "Bible Belt" area where bruises from a belting might not be seen by most folks as abuse. We also know that old, faded bruises won't get her any help, we would somehow need to make a report when we know they are more "fresh".

We aren't sure what exactly to do.

1000miles
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Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by 1000miles » Thu Sep 14, 2017 3:16 pm

Hi juliewr,

Congrats on your courage to talk to your niece! Are there teachers or professionals in your area who work with children whom you could talk with? A pediatrician's office perhaps? They might be able to give you an idea of what the process is for reporting abuse in your area, and how it usually works. Or perhaps there is a help line you could call to get advice?

1000miles

Xanthia
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Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by Xanthia » Thu Sep 14, 2017 3:53 pm

Hi juliewr,

Great that you had the conversation, but sad that it was necessary. Arising from a natural situation would have worked well, I think.

May your niece have courage to share.

With care,
Xanthia

Harmony
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Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by Harmony » Thu Sep 14, 2017 5:24 pm

Dear juliewr,

Great job on starting the family conversation. This is a beginning. When the secrets are shared they begin to lose their power. You are breaking the cycle right here.

##warning my own opinion about religion here not that necessarily of isurvive:

# Reading of your experience 'struck' me as a bit of a shock. Since I don't live in your area of the US nor share your religious upbringing it came as a bit of surprise. To think that parents/elders hit beat and damage children in God's name, from the outside sounds crazy and paradoxical. There is nothing about Jesus hitting or fighting anyone in the bible is there? Christ was reportedly a healer not a controller. I though he loved and treated young children as innocents? How can this abuse by your family be seen as Christian? Do you think this religion is some sort of cult? So truly sorry your family behaved like this. From an outsider it doesn't sound very Christ-like. Did they miss the love is patient, love is kind part? #

One thing my T who is also a pastor outside of his office taught me is that children by nature are inconvenient. That is normal for children. They are not servants or robots. They are little beings we are charged with teaching how to be a good person. They learn what they live. How many generations must this go on?

Yet somehow you juliewr learned enough on your own to save yourself. In return you are helping heal your own family and maybe your niece. You learned that hitting is not loving. You learned that what you were taught is not what we are intended to do. So strong of you! You really are inspiring. When I think of what you are going up against I just say...Bravo. Keep strong and work from a place of love not fear.

with care,
Harmony

juliewr
Member
Posts: 60
Joined: Sat Aug 26, 2017 10:24 pm

Re: My Story of Abuse

Post by juliewr » Thu Sep 21, 2017 5:29 pm

My other sister and I are on the same page. We have made an anonymous call to CPS in our area. Somebody went to her school and interviewed her. I do not know what happened as a result of that. Since we called anonymously they aren't obligated to follow up with us.

As of now our niece is supposed to be over at my other sisters house and I am panning to stop by too. We will see if she says anything.

My sister did tell me that she had also know it was happening, but not to what extent. Frankly, neither do I. In our area they are not going to do anything for a girl her age being spanked with a belt on her bare butt unless it leaves very bad marks or breaks the skin. When I was young, and this wasn't that long ago, they didn't even care about that. I remember one girl from my church who went to CPS with open welts on her butt, she was like 15, and they told her to behave better. I am not joking.

Thanks all for the support. I will let you know if we learn more or of CPS did anything.
Last edited by Serenity on Fri Sep 22, 2017 10:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed ST to MT

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