I'm tired of feeling this way.

[BlueWeepingRose]

I'm upset right now and I needed to get this out. Hardly anyone in my family listens to me when I'm talking. As I was growing up my mom called me a drama queen and neither of my brothers listened to me either. In my teenage years I felt ignored and alone. Anytime I was upset, I knew I couldn't go to my mother because she hardly listened to me or my family laughed at me or mocked me and told me I was upset over nothing. Deep down inside I was hurting and sometimes I wanted to end my life. Ended up getting on medication and therapy, even been hospitalized because my family was never was there for me. Even after my real father sexually abused me and I needed my mother's love during those times, she moved on from it and I couldn't move on. She kept telling me to get over it.

I'd be crying alone in my room at night and any chance I got to leave or asked to hang out, I left because I didn't feel loved or cared about. Felt neglected. Fell into the arms of abusive men and I loved them. None of them changed. Overtime I caught onto the pattern and realized what was happening. My mother was hardly ever there when I needed her. I got sick with kidney stones and got precancer on my cervix and I grew angry at my mother when she said I was crazy and that nothing was wrong with me. Even my boyfriend now is upset the way she treats me and told me I can't change her. Deep down I know this. She says very awful things sometimes, than comes back saying she never said that when I know she did. Mocks the way I cried one day, cause I opened up to her and told her I was upset about something. This is you. And she started mimicking me the way I cried and said, God just get over it already and I was hurt.. I felt like someone punched me in my gut. It hurt. Because she's my mother and I want her love but she hardly shows me that. She's only nice sometimes, I never know when she might be hurtful or ignore me. Feel like I can't trust her at times cause she talks behind people's back and says negative things. She's not a honest person. I love her.... but the way she treats me is horrible. I still cry in my room at night and I'm tired of being treated like this. She continues to ignore me and never listen to me when I speak... or interrupts me. I'm not a drama queen, nor sensitive. This is something she tells me often, than once I confront her about it, she'll say.. "I never said that." I knew she said it, I'm sick of her lying.

[Harmony]

Dear BWR,

I hear you. Listening loud and clear. Yes you matter. Yes what you say is your absolute truth. Not being believed is very difficult. Perhaps you can find a person or a trained professional to help you sort through this stuff. There are real ways out there to feel better. You don't have to do the cycle of pain. The hard part is that in order to get help you must reach out. You must be willing to change yourself. Your family is not going to change but you can. There is hope.

with care,
Harmony

P.S. I am a cervical cancer survivor. It is real cancer and can be devastating. Stay mindful of it.

[there]

BlueWeepingRose,
It's awful to hear the truth you've spoken twisted and invalidated. You can love a person. That doesn't excuse abuse.
Agree with Harmony about getting the cervical checkup, treatment if you haven't already. I had cervical dysplasia, (was precancerous), and it was removed before it became cancer.
Please take care of yourself.You deserve it.

[1000miles]

Hi BlueWeepingRose,

I relate to much of what you say. My parents were emotionally neglectful and mean to me as a child. They treated me as stupid for feeling and acting as I did. They flat-out told me I was stupid. Their emotional abuse and neglect led to my being a needy person, and then they mocked me for it. Even when I was a toddler, my father mocked me for crying--got in my face and imitated me and then laughed, and quite often this would make me cry more, and he would slap or spank me for it. To this day my mother still verbally abuses me when we talk. She wants to believe that my problems in childhood were behavior problems, because she didn't discipline me enough. If I try to communicate how I feel, she tells me how twisted, wrong, or stupid I am for expressing my feelings. She puts words in my mouth that I didn't say, and she puts thoughts in my head that I never had, and she tells me what a sick person I am.

I don't mean to go on about myself here. Just wanted to say that much of your story resonates with me. I hear and believe what you say. May you find whatever will help you most.

1000miles