Love

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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facingmytruth
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Joined: Mon May 27, 2013 1:54 pm

Love

Post by facingmytruth » Sun Aug 13, 2017 10:43 pm

How do you ensure you don't get into similar situation u were in before? Do u listen to your gut instinct and back off bcos u recognise similar behaviour or is that taking someone with the same brush.
Is there really such a thing.
Last edited by ajei on Mon Aug 14, 2017 3:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: changed trigger from MT to NT

reisha
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Re: Love

Post by reisha » Sun Aug 13, 2017 11:20 pm

hi FMT

wow, excellent question!

think its wise to be aware of tendency to 'paint w/ same brush', (& as best ya can, avoid doin so, or at least buyin into what ya've painted ;) , if that makes sense)

goin w/ gut mite work, unless gut tends to 'paint' too. - can i ask, what is yer gut tellin ya?

i think it wise to .... go slow; 'vett' prospective lovers.
i also think 'love' needs to be defined - for YA.

what i mean by that is ... lemmee give ya an example. when i was real young, 'love' meant a guy 6'2", broad shoulders, narrow waist (swimmers bod! ;) ), shoulder length (or longer!) honey-brown hair & green/hazel/aqua eyes. dinna matter if he was kind, sadistic, or hadda job or car, or still lived w/ his mom, as long as he fit my criteria, it was 'love'.
as i got older, i added things like job, car, etc, & nixed a few physical 'requirements' - height & hair length went 1st (lol). i still hadna figgered out that the qualities that REALLY equaled 'love' to me were things like kindness & compassion, humbleness & ~gentle strength~

<standard disclaimer> disregard if not helpful
Last edited by ajei on Mon Aug 14, 2017 3:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: changed trigger from MT to NT

1000miles
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Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2017 6:19 am

Re: Love

Post by 1000miles » Tue Aug 15, 2017 9:02 pm

Hi facingmytruth,

That's a good and complicated question. Here are some general thoughts. Take whatever you find useful for you.

I believe that love is an emotional bond that forms between two people. It's best, whenever possible, to like the person you're in love with. It seems to me that it's wise to go slow. I've let relationships progress to quickly in the past and regretted it. It also seems to me that a lot depends on what the similar behavior is--whether it indicates a pattern of disrespect for you or is just natural human mistakes. I think it's good to remember that you're under no obligation to enter a relationship, nor do you have to have a justification for not wanting to pursue one. (On the other hand, being in an established relationship, in my humble opinion, requires the ability to commit at some point.) I guess what I'm getting at is, if you don't feel comfortable about a relationship prospect, whatever the reason, you don't have to proceed with it. Your feelings alone are a perfectly valid reason for saying no, and no more justification or explanation is necessary. Generally, relationships should feel positive, happy, supportive, caring. There's work, and there are bumps in all relationships, but if the overall feeling isn't seriously positive at the start, I think that would be cause for real concern. Both partners must want to be there, and both partners should give and receive (affection, support, help) in roughly equal measure. Not that such things can really be measured or compared, but it shouldn't feel unbalanced or one-sided to you. You have a right to receive as well as to give. A healthy love relationship is a wonderful, beautiful thing.

Those are just some of my general thoughts. Best wishes for clarity in your specific situation.

1000miles

wabbit
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Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2017 7:15 pm

Re: Love

Post by wabbit » Wed Aug 16, 2017 1:13 am

My thought would be that as you change on the inside, your outward choices will follow. No easy answer...life just doesn't seem to flow in ways for such ease of answers like that. At least it never has for me.

Ladylamenting
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Joined: Tue May 23, 2017 1:17 pm

Re: Love

Post by Ladylamenting » Sun Aug 20, 2017 10:55 am

I, like many have had trouble with this too. I recently came across something that helped me see relationships in a different way.i want to share it and hope it may help others.
I see love as an extention of friendship. i came accross something while reashearching friendship for a project. Aristotles views on friendship: He believed that there are three different types of friendship. 1) usefulness. 2) pleasure (shared common interests) 3) a shared common good or virtue. Some friendships are based on one or two of these but to find someone who shares all three would be a very rare relationship and could be called love.
Last edited by Serenity on Mon Aug 21, 2017 10:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT

facingmytruth
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Posts: 839
Joined: Mon May 27, 2013 1:54 pm

Re: Love

Post by facingmytruth » Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:07 pm

Thank u so much for your responses. I have taken what you all say on board and appreciate your views. I guess I realise I am not yet capable of loving anyone at this point in time, I guess we have to be able to love ourselves first and feel worthy of receiving love back, I also realise I have to be able to trust that other person 100% and that I can't do at this time. Not without doubting. I guess it's something I have to work on for myself and feel comfortable when the time is right.
Again many thanks.
Last edited by Serenity on Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT

ag01
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Re: Love

Post by ag01 » Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:04 pm

I am going to start by saying you r worthy of being loved and u know u r loved. The actions of other people r NOT a reflection of you, their actions their words r a direct reflection of themselves. How someone treats you is on them, it is not you. You are one of the most worthy people I know, you deserve to b loved and u r loved. You deserve to b happy, worthy you are more than worthy of being loved. What other people do is not on you, that is them and them only, all the bullshit and games is them not you.
You of all people deserve happiness deserve the happy ending, you quite literally r the most amazing and strongest person I know.
The actions of a few people r not who u r, their actions show what they r.
Trust in yourself, Believe in yourself, you r truly a brave soul, I believe in you, I know who u r as a person, and believe me when I say u r amazing u r strong u r brave u r so deserving of happiness believe in yourself!
I believe in you!!
Last edited by Serenity on Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT

facingmytruth
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Posts: 839
Joined: Mon May 27, 2013 1:54 pm

Re: Love

Post by facingmytruth » Mon Aug 28, 2017 7:39 am

Ago1

No I am not loved. As u know yourself and said yourselfbthey don't give a shit about me only ever contact me when they want money.or to blackmail me into doing something. So from now on I distance myself.its easier to be alone .

ag01
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Posts: 2602
Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2015 10:33 pm

Re: Love

Post by ag01 » Tue Aug 29, 2017 2:07 am

Yes FMT u r loved, yes u r loved very much, u r loved more than u can even imagine or believe, u don't think u r worth it, but that is where u r wrong, u r worth it, u r worth it way more than anyone I have ever known. And how do I know u r loved cuz I love u, u don't seem to get the depth of what I feel, cuz what I feel is endless timeless forever. Just know I do love u, always forever I want u to know that believe that, always know that, no matter whatever happens to me, know that what I have said is the truth, that it is something that I've never been able to explain the depth the strength, just know I love u

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