Am I ever going to be okay?

[GoldenCup]

Hi,

I’m new and I’ve been on this site for a little bit but I’ve been too afraid or exhausted to share. I’ve finally felt brave enough to release some of my tension and join. I’m scared, because sometimes sharing my story makes it seem so real, but I realize now that it’s the only way to heal.

When I was 21 the memories started flooding me and completely took over my thoughts. It was like a steamroller of thoughts that just kept going and going and going. Everything I had ever experienced felt like it was happening all over again.
My problem was that I didn’t want to accept that anything that had happened was really that bad. I was terrified that if I accepted my abuse for what it was, that I would never be able to be a part of all the normal people and I would never be able to have the life I always wanted. I would be a crack addict or something. This thinking was confirmed by all different types of media. My stepmom for 8 years would always tell me that I was going to be crazy like my mom and there was no hope for me. This, I pretended didn’t bother me, but it did bother me on a very deep level.
This made the thoughts and memories worse. My past was dying to put itself out there but I was determined to cover it up. I couldn’t stop crying for months and was wrapped in a twisted cycle of self-loathing. The memories would come, I would feel like there was no future for me, and I would try to push it down.
I went on anti-depressants and quickly forgot about everything.
A few years later, I was living in New York City, living my dream!! I was doing everything I ever wanted to do, and I was becoming the person I wanted to be. I went off of the anti-depressants and felt so good! I was confident and relaxed and I was having fun. I met an Australian boy and decided to move to Australia with him. I was determined to keep up this charade of normalcy. I wouldn’t tell him much or let on to how bad my childhood was. If I pretended like it was okay, then it was okay.
When I moved to Australia, I went into a deep depression. The root of the problem was my not sharing or accepting my past but I convinced myself that it was because I just have depression. I fought with J (my boyfriend) a lot and got mad at him about seemingly small things, but they were really things linked to my past. If J didn’t make me a priority I would fall apart. This I know now, is because I was never a priority when I was a child. This unhappiness went on for a year and a half, and the whole time I kept up a happy face and if I ever fell apart over something, I would blame myself and tell myself that there must be something wrong with me, which made the stress and alienation worse
Finally, I went off of the anti-depressants realizing that they were not working. I quickly fell apart. Everything I experienced when I was 21 was happening all over. I was being steamrolled by haunting memories. I quickly tried to push them all away. I thought that the only way I could be with J was if I was normal so I had to believe I was normal. This never works and everything only got worse. I finally broke down and confessed everything to J. He’s a wonderful man and he has never judged me for anything
I meditated, I told myself over and over again that it is okay that I was abused, it doesn’t make me unlovable. I had to tell myself that a hundred times, and every time my stepmom’s face popped up telling me that I was crazy just like my mom. I quickly went back on the medication to stop the explosion of thoughts. I realized how numb the medication made me. I can’t cry but the pain is still there. There’s an elephant sitting on my chest at all times but I can’t cry. I’m finally at a point where I can accept that bad things have happened to me. That my upbringing was tragic and abnormal, and I’ve been successful enough at life to know that all that crack addict stigma crap isn’t true. I feel safe to cry and I want to cry it all out.
This morning I cut my pill in half. I’m hoping that taking a small dose will allow me to mourn and grieve, but still let me function at work!
Am I going to be okay, have I made my problems worse by pushing them down? Am I past the point of no return? Will I feel whole again? I know the memories will never go away, but I hope that I can feel at peace with them? I hope that my thoughts will stop going and going and going. Will I ever get out of fight or flight mode? Has this prolonged stress and self-abuse caused long-term effects? These are the things I worry about

[Serenity]

Hi GoldenCup,

I can relate to things you've said. Do you have a therapist?

Also, the meds? I'm not sure it's a great idea to play around with dosage on your own. Maybe the dose is too high, or maybe you are taking the wrong "type" of anti-depressant. Either way, I think it would be better to be under the supervision of a doctor when changing dosage/medications. I say all of this out of concern for your safety and well-being.

Take care,
Serenity

[quixote]

GoldenCup,
Serenity gave you some good advice. I can only add this: it's very easy for us to blame ourselves for our own troubles. All we can do is do our best, one day at a time.
quixote