I'm a glazed donut.

[SandyShores]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here. I was scared to join for some weird reason. But I finally decided that I need to stop carrying this around like a huge terrible secret. This would be my baby steps. I just want a safe and comfortable place where no one will look at me like I'm a unicorn with a rainbow colored mane for 'surviving". But I don't want to just survive anymore. I want to thrive. I just don't know how to get there because the waves of emotion drown me sometimes.

I want to be a plain donut, free from the weight of a glaze that convinces everyone around me I'm totally fine with my life. haha. Seriously though. Sugar is so bad for you. But my analogy simply means, I'd like to just be me. Will there ever come a day where I can just be the person I want to be without attracting the wrong attention? I've come to a place in my life where I feel like in public, I have to be an a**hole in order to stay safe. I've asked myself many times, Is there an invisible sign above my head that reads, "Help yourself" ? Truth is, I'm scared. But you would never know it. And other than here, would never let anyone know this. I need people to know when they look at me, that death lays behind these eyes. But in reality, All I want to do is encourage, uplift, and help others believe in themselves.

The hardest part of it all for me is, I barely remember what happened. Don't get me wrong, I'm oh so grateful my brain decided I should check out for a couple of years. That is all good with me. But lately, I'm triggered randomly at any time. And I never know what will do it because I can't remember until I remember. Suuuuuuucks! I've come really far. I've pushed myself through so many really hard times and somehow always made it through. Suddenly, I'm at a personal stand still.

Do I leave behind the loving, caring, friendly, outgoing person for a hardened jerk? It's hard to keep pretending I'm not scared, that I'm super strong, that I don't feel angry, or that anything is wrong at all, and most of all that I don't want to be nice. These hidden feelings are consuming me. I know it's wrong. I know it won't do any good to shove this deeper inside. I don't wish harm on that person. I just wish they could see me as a person and understand how broken they really made me. But that's never going to happen. Is it crazy that I just want to talk to them, obviously behind some kind of protective barrier, and just show them the kind of person I became. I don't need approval, just a minute of their time to say, you didn't defeat me.

I always told myself that at the very least, by not remembering, I've been able to retain who I was before that happened. I didn't lose everything. Now, I feel like maybe the Me I want to be, is the reason this happened to me in the first place. Is there a place in this world for nice people? The thought that there really isn't, is most saddening. The thought that I HAVE to change myself completely to survive but will still be affected by this as long as I live, makes me so resentful.

I so desperately want to live. Not just survive, but truly live.

[Harmony]

Welcome Sandy Shores,

So glad you started a post here. You are not alone. There are lots of members caring along similar feelings and stories. Well maybe not a lot of donuts but sure lots of thrivers here. Hope you meet some of them soon.

with care,
Harmony

[Jonesy]

Hi SandyShores

Glad you found us, glad you registered and glad you posted.
A warm welcome to isurvive

[Sheep]

Sandyshores,

Thank you for sharing. I can relate to your feelings of resentment.

Welcome to isurvive,
Sheep