Hi everyone, new member and I need some help.
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei
-
believe94
- Member
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2017 2:19 pm
Hi everyone, new member and I need some help.
I've never spoke about this to anyone but my best and current boyfriend and well a terrible therapist a couple years ago. I'm going to try to keep it short and I put may trigger because I wasn't sure if it will trigger some people or not. I was in a relationship that ended 5 years ago, we were together almost 6 years. It's hard to remember how long it went on for, but I know it was over a year towards the end of the relationship. Before I actually get into it, I will need some help clarifying what actually happened. I've been so confused for years and doubting everything. Okay so one time we were having sex and it started to become very painful and I told him it hurt, he told me he was almost done, but he wasn't and I said again, it's really hurting, so he says okay I'll go faster to finish. I remember clenching my teeth together and tears were in my eyes and just wishing he would stop and be done soon because it hurt so bad. He finally got off me and I cried, he put his hand on my shoulder and said I didn't know I was hurting you that bad. I just couldn't believe it, I had told him how bad it hurt. I couldn't even sit up straight because of the pressure it put down there. I won't go into more detail with that. But after that time I told myself that I just had to tell him right away when it would hurt so he could finish sooner and that's what I would do and I would get the same responses, I'll be done soon, I'll go faster or give me a minute. I didn't want to have sex anymore but thought I had to because I was his girlfriend, and I didn't want him to get mad or make comments that we weren't having sex, which he already said we barely had any. And he had gotten mad and was mean to me if he wasn't able to finish so I just didn't want to deal with that and we argued enough as it was so I just tried to avoid any extra arguments. So I continued on forcing myself to have sex with him, I would just lay there and wait and hope he'd be done soon and at times get angry when it would take long because I hurt so much. He complained I laid there like a fish. I remember sometimes just staring blankly at the ceiling, looking back it's like I was some sort of doll or object. At the time though I didn't think anything of it, never crossed my mind that I shouldn't have to have sex if I didn't want to. It took 9 months for the memories and feelings to come back after we broke up. I kept thinking how could someone still get off knowing they're hurting you. And how could I let that happen. I felt gross and I still feel gross and disgusted. I started to have nightmares and I still have them occasionally even after 5 years. Certain shows, movies or articles even make me cry or bring me to start thinking about it more and make me emotional. And there's more.. he would touch me while I was asleep. I would wake up to my pants down, his hand up my shirt, him trying to actually penetrate me or just groping and touching me. I always thought what was going on before I woke up. And I hated bedtime. I hated having to sleep next to him. I would curl up in a ball hoping that would keep me safe but it didn't. The first time it ever happened I didn't know what to do and I just waited for him to stop. And I brought it up to him the next day. He actually apologized and said he was having a dream and couldn't control himself. The next time I confronted him it was the same thing, I was half asleep and couldn't stop myself. The time after that he just laughed in my face and blamed me. Said it was because we don't have enough sex, so after that I forced myself to have sex more just to keep him away at night. And now 5 years later. I don't believe the excuses. I think he was awake. If he was truly sleeping he'd be apologetic everytime and not laugh at me or blame me. I felt so violated and I just got laughed at, by someone I thought loved me. It's such a gross feeling now. Like I dated that person, I loved that person. I eventually moved away and a week before I moved, which this is the part that really confuses me, I more willingly had sex with him. It was still painful and uncomfortable but I didn't have to really force myself. And I can't explain why I did that. Was it denial or something? After we broke up I realized I wasn't in love with him and I really didn't even love him in any type of way so why would I do that? I could never explain that. And I don't know what to call what he did to me. I know it was wrong. He should have stopped knowing he was hurting me and knowing i was asleep. But what is that? Or am I just overreacting? He didn't really threaten me to make sure i had sex with him, but I felt I had to or there would be consequences, and the comments he made I hated. But I also never said no. Even after talking to my best friend and getting her advice and opinion i still feel confused. Can someone please help me and give me some clarity?
-
Stephie
- Member
- Posts: 267
- Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:49 pm
Re: Hi everyone, new member and I need some help.
believe94,
I am so sorry that happened to you! ((hugs)) if okay
That sounds EXACTLY like what my first GF did to me. She wouldn't stop when I asked. She kept going even if it hurt and wouldn't stop unless I "finished" so I learned to fake it but after a while she started to catch on... I would also wake up to her hand in my underwear and received the same excuses. I believe what happened to us, believe94, was rape.
There was a clear point where you were no longer consenting and he continued even after being made aware of that. At the moment you said it hurt he should have stopped and made sure you were alright.
What he did to you was not okay.
I totally understand the confusion. It took me about five years to be able to call it what it was.
I didn't realize how bad it was until I started dating my current GF. She pays attention to me and stops to check on me if I seem even a little off (I get panic attacks from CSA issues).
You deserve to be treated with respect. I am glad that you are out of that relationship.
Peace and Good Vibes to you.
You are not alone
-Stephie
I am so sorry that happened to you! ((hugs)) if okay
That sounds EXACTLY like what my first GF did to me. She wouldn't stop when I asked. She kept going even if it hurt and wouldn't stop unless I "finished" so I learned to fake it but after a while she started to catch on... I would also wake up to her hand in my underwear and received the same excuses. I believe what happened to us, believe94, was rape.
There was a clear point where you were no longer consenting and he continued even after being made aware of that. At the moment you said it hurt he should have stopped and made sure you were alright.
What he did to you was not okay.
I totally understand the confusion. It took me about five years to be able to call it what it was.
I didn't realize how bad it was until I started dating my current GF. She pays attention to me and stops to check on me if I seem even a little off (I get panic attacks from CSA issues).
You deserve to be treated with respect. I am glad that you are out of that relationship.
Peace and Good Vibes to you.
You are not alone
-Stephie
-
fightinback
- Member
- Posts: 614
- Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2012 8:36 pm
Re: Hi everyone, new member and I need some help.
First of all welcome to isurvive. This is a beautiful and compassionate community, and I hope you find the support you are looking for here.
I am so sorry that you went through this experience and that it continues to affect you 5 years after the relationship ended. I offer you safe hugs, the knowledge that you are not alone, and that it WASN'T YOUR FAULT. Your emotions and feelings are completely valid and understandable (even the confusion) and I hope I can help you with some clarity.
You are not sure what to call ‘what’ he did to you. What do your instincts say? If you feel violated, then you were. Trust your intuition, it will never ever lie to you.
No you didn't say no directly, BUT you did tell him it was really hurting and in the eyes of any compassionate partner, that is a clear and very loud signal to STOP. A loving partner would stop immediately, and without question.
Likewise when you were asleep (even if you were pretending). I heard a good analogy once:
Would you try to get someone to drink a cup of tea if they are asleep? You might check to see if they are asleep and if they wake up and want it, that's fine to offer them the tea (and they still have the right to say no to the tea); but if they remain asleep would you continue to try to get them to drink that tea? They are not saying no, but obviously don't want it (because they are asleep) - so would you continue to try to get them to drink that tea?
Most people would let that person sleep in peace.
In my opinion, I would call both of these rape. The first was a very clear signal to stop, even if you didn’t say no directly. The second was sexual contact without consent.
You ALWAYS have the CHOICE and the right to say no, and for your wishes to be respected, whatever the circumstances. If your wishes are not being respected, then you have the right to walk away, it doesn’t matter who they are.
For your ex, sex (and most likely the whole relationship) was a very much one sided event. He was preoccupied with his own pleasure. He showed disregard for your thoughts and feelings - and your personal lack of enjoyment. He showed disrespect for you, and violated your boundaries. He was emotionally abusive, making you feel inferior by laughing at you and calling you condescending names. He was quick to judge you, criticise you and blame you for his lack of control, expecting you to cater to his needs without giving you a thought. He threw tantrums if you failed to meet his needs. He overstepped and took advantage of your silence to continue to meet his needs at your expense and considerable pain, without any consideration. He manipulated you through guilt into unreasonable personal and emotional sacrifices.
His motives……To feel powerful, to keep you insecure and off balance, to boost his own fragile ego and to feel better about himself.
This is psychological abuse, and these are all characteristics of a narcissist.
I also want to try to answer your question about why you willingly had sex with your ex before you moved away.
Narcissists are charmers. They can be very persuasive and charismatic. They are masters at making you feel wanted and special. They're also highly manipulative and can twist or spin information to suit themselves (for their own indulgence and gain), leaving you doubting your own memory or insight. This is called gaslighting. Does this help?
Can I recommend you research narcissism. I recommend a coach called Meredith Miller who has a YouTube channel called "inner integration" and has helped me enormously to understand the narcissists throughout my own life. She responds to viewers letters in her videos, and speaks from her own experiences. I feel her videos may be able to help you with some of the answers you are looking for.
I wish I could say to you that you will never ever meet another narcissist, but the likelihood is that you will, because they target kind, compassionate people like yourself.
What you can do for yourself:
-Build good, solid boundaries. Knowing what your limits are, long before you are left feeling violated, is essential for healthy relationships and a healthy life. What is and isn’t acceptable to you? What can you tolerate and what makes you feel uncomfortable? Setting good boundaries is a skill worth learning and there are lots of good websites which can help you.
-Learning to be self aware is another good skill, and works closely with good boundaries. Being aware of the signals your body gives you helps you learn to protect yourself, keeping you safe from harm.
-Making self care a priority gives you permission to put yourself first. Your feelings and wellbeing are important.
-Seeking support from a therapist if you feel you need to, to help you work through your emotions and feelings about your past relationship, and will also help with your nightmares and triggers.
Never be afraid of your emotions, feelings or intuition. They are there to help keep you safe.
And in time, with these skills, you will become less of a target for the narc.
Sorry this post is a bit long. I hope it has helped you with the some of the clarity you are seeking. Stay strong, and I hope your current boyfriend treats you with the kindness and compassion you deserve.
Stephie, I am sorry you have experienced this too and I am glad you have found a safe relationship with your current GF. xx
I am so sorry that you went through this experience and that it continues to affect you 5 years after the relationship ended. I offer you safe hugs, the knowledge that you are not alone, and that it WASN'T YOUR FAULT. Your emotions and feelings are completely valid and understandable (even the confusion) and I hope I can help you with some clarity.
You are not sure what to call ‘what’ he did to you. What do your instincts say? If you feel violated, then you were. Trust your intuition, it will never ever lie to you.
No you didn't say no directly, BUT you did tell him it was really hurting and in the eyes of any compassionate partner, that is a clear and very loud signal to STOP. A loving partner would stop immediately, and without question.
Likewise when you were asleep (even if you were pretending). I heard a good analogy once:
Would you try to get someone to drink a cup of tea if they are asleep? You might check to see if they are asleep and if they wake up and want it, that's fine to offer them the tea (and they still have the right to say no to the tea); but if they remain asleep would you continue to try to get them to drink that tea? They are not saying no, but obviously don't want it (because they are asleep) - so would you continue to try to get them to drink that tea?
Most people would let that person sleep in peace.
In my opinion, I would call both of these rape. The first was a very clear signal to stop, even if you didn’t say no directly. The second was sexual contact without consent.
You ALWAYS have the CHOICE and the right to say no, and for your wishes to be respected, whatever the circumstances. If your wishes are not being respected, then you have the right to walk away, it doesn’t matter who they are.
For your ex, sex (and most likely the whole relationship) was a very much one sided event. He was preoccupied with his own pleasure. He showed disregard for your thoughts and feelings - and your personal lack of enjoyment. He showed disrespect for you, and violated your boundaries. He was emotionally abusive, making you feel inferior by laughing at you and calling you condescending names. He was quick to judge you, criticise you and blame you for his lack of control, expecting you to cater to his needs without giving you a thought. He threw tantrums if you failed to meet his needs. He overstepped and took advantage of your silence to continue to meet his needs at your expense and considerable pain, without any consideration. He manipulated you through guilt into unreasonable personal and emotional sacrifices.
His motives……To feel powerful, to keep you insecure and off balance, to boost his own fragile ego and to feel better about himself.
This is psychological abuse, and these are all characteristics of a narcissist.
I also want to try to answer your question about why you willingly had sex with your ex before you moved away.
Narcissists are charmers. They can be very persuasive and charismatic. They are masters at making you feel wanted and special. They're also highly manipulative and can twist or spin information to suit themselves (for their own indulgence and gain), leaving you doubting your own memory or insight. This is called gaslighting. Does this help?
Can I recommend you research narcissism. I recommend a coach called Meredith Miller who has a YouTube channel called "inner integration" and has helped me enormously to understand the narcissists throughout my own life. She responds to viewers letters in her videos, and speaks from her own experiences. I feel her videos may be able to help you with some of the answers you are looking for.
I wish I could say to you that you will never ever meet another narcissist, but the likelihood is that you will, because they target kind, compassionate people like yourself.
What you can do for yourself:
-Build good, solid boundaries. Knowing what your limits are, long before you are left feeling violated, is essential for healthy relationships and a healthy life. What is and isn’t acceptable to you? What can you tolerate and what makes you feel uncomfortable? Setting good boundaries is a skill worth learning and there are lots of good websites which can help you.
-Learning to be self aware is another good skill, and works closely with good boundaries. Being aware of the signals your body gives you helps you learn to protect yourself, keeping you safe from harm.
-Making self care a priority gives you permission to put yourself first. Your feelings and wellbeing are important.
-Seeking support from a therapist if you feel you need to, to help you work through your emotions and feelings about your past relationship, and will also help with your nightmares and triggers.
Never be afraid of your emotions, feelings or intuition. They are there to help keep you safe.
And in time, with these skills, you will become less of a target for the narc.
Sorry this post is a bit long. I hope it has helped you with the some of the clarity you are seeking. Stay strong, and I hope your current boyfriend treats you with the kindness and compassion you deserve.
Stephie, I am sorry you have experienced this too and I am glad you have found a safe relationship with your current GF. xx
FB Delicately changing my name because I don't need to fight anymore.
Be true to yourself
Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it
Be true to yourself
Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it
-
believe94
- Member
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2017 2:19 pm
Re: Hi everyone, new member and I need some help.
I want to say thank you to both of you for your responses. I truly appreciate how kind they were. And to Stephie, I'm so sorry you went through the same thing. I hope you are doing better and I hope you have a way to cope with your panic attacks(whether it be medication or a breathing technique, everyone uses different methods) and glad you found someone good for you. And thanks for helping me get some clarity. It's good to know I'm not just overreacting and that I'm not alone!
And thank you fightinback. Reading that response has helped me a lot. It's still hard to take in that I was raped but I know I need to accept that to start healing completely to be able to move on. One of the weird things for me is that I never had a problem standing up for myself when he yelled at me, cussed at me, called me names or even the couple occasions where he pushed me, I was very quick to fight back and defend myself. But with sex it was the complete opposite. He was my first sexual partner so maybe that had something to do with it. It was ALL new. And another thing, I'm bipolar and deal with depression and he wasn't supportive very long, he eventually pushed every button until I exploded then got mad at me. He would be mad that I was "always in a bad mood" and "never felt good." I also have a stomach disease. So I had to deal with other abuse as well. I do see a psychologist and I finally had the courage to give her a brief description of what happened yesterday because I needed to add more medication since I've become more depressed the past couple months. And she said, like you, that he's a narcissist, selfish and only cared about his needs. It's just so good to finally hear from multiple people that this is actually SOMETHING and I'm not just crazy. My mom has always told me I'm very self aware, which made me proud. Just with this particular situation, I shouldn't say this but in a way I fell a little short and let myself down. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I've never had an issue with any other guy, even before him. If a guy wanted to kiss me and tried to force it out of me I still stopped it for example.
But my current boyfriend is wonderful, and the bad part in the beginning was that it was kinda burned in my brain to just have sex through the pain and he would see my face and see the pain and would STOP IMMEDIATELY. Took a while to get used to that and he has really taught me how I should be treated. And he knows my history and he told me to NEVER let him keep going if I'm hurting. I'm glad we can stop when I need to without him getting mad and no arguments. It wasn't fair that my past affected him, I felt so bad but he understood and had patience.
Again, thank you both so much. Both have really given me clarity, Its still going to take some time to fully accept the word rape, seems so harsh for me to say, hard to explain how I really feel saying it. Maybe now I can start on a path of healing.
And thank you fightinback. Reading that response has helped me a lot. It's still hard to take in that I was raped but I know I need to accept that to start healing completely to be able to move on. One of the weird things for me is that I never had a problem standing up for myself when he yelled at me, cussed at me, called me names or even the couple occasions where he pushed me, I was very quick to fight back and defend myself. But with sex it was the complete opposite. He was my first sexual partner so maybe that had something to do with it. It was ALL new. And another thing, I'm bipolar and deal with depression and he wasn't supportive very long, he eventually pushed every button until I exploded then got mad at me. He would be mad that I was "always in a bad mood" and "never felt good." I also have a stomach disease. So I had to deal with other abuse as well. I do see a psychologist and I finally had the courage to give her a brief description of what happened yesterday because I needed to add more medication since I've become more depressed the past couple months. And she said, like you, that he's a narcissist, selfish and only cared about his needs. It's just so good to finally hear from multiple people that this is actually SOMETHING and I'm not just crazy. My mom has always told me I'm very self aware, which made me proud. Just with this particular situation, I shouldn't say this but in a way I fell a little short and let myself down. I know I shouldn't blame myself but I've never had an issue with any other guy, even before him. If a guy wanted to kiss me and tried to force it out of me I still stopped it for example.
But my current boyfriend is wonderful, and the bad part in the beginning was that it was kinda burned in my brain to just have sex through the pain and he would see my face and see the pain and would STOP IMMEDIATELY. Took a while to get used to that and he has really taught me how I should be treated. And he knows my history and he told me to NEVER let him keep going if I'm hurting. I'm glad we can stop when I need to without him getting mad and no arguments. It wasn't fair that my past affected him, I felt so bad but he understood and had patience.
Again, thank you both so much. Both have really given me clarity, Its still going to take some time to fully accept the word rape, seems so harsh for me to say, hard to explain how I really feel saying it. Maybe now I can start on a path of healing.