How do I reach out to my loved ones in real life?

[BlueCarapace]

Hi! I haven't posted anything here in a long time.
That's a good thing I suppose, because that means I've been doing pretty well recently.

But... Idk, people have probably discussed this here. I recently watched 13 Reasons Why. And before I get told off for watching it, I didn't know what it was about in the first place before watching it. I like being pleasantly surprised by the plot of movies and series so I try not to look at spoilers beforehand.

Obviously, I was triggered. Not that bad, surprisingly. But triggered nonetheless. Now I find myself restless.

My question here though is about reaching out, as the title of this note says.

I've been wanting to talk to my SO about this for a while now, but I don't know how to even BEGIN this conversation. I really want to tell her, but I'm so ashamed of it all. I don't want her to know that part of me. She already knows I was sexually abused as a child and she was surprisingly fine with it. But... There are days when I feel like I have to talk about it in more depth, but I just can't tell her. On those days, I turn to my other best friend. Sometimes. I rarely talk about it really. I just don't know how to bring it up without everything being awkward and heavy, you know? Will it ever get easy?

I guess I'm just frightened that she'll start acting weird around me. Well, she already did technically. She used to touch me more often, but now she rarely does. I know she's just being cautious and considerate because I'm obviously uncomfortable with touching. But I can't help but feel bad and think that because of this stupid thing, we can't be a normal couple.

Anyway, I'm just wondering how to go about it. I mean, talking with my best friend is fine, but normally, wouldn't talking to one's SO be more appropriate? Shouldn't it feel better to do that?

Actually, in general.. I thought talking about things would make you feel better? Why doesn't it feel better when I talk about it? I just feel worse knowing other people know this disgusting piece of me.

Talking about things online here anonymously feels better though.
Ugh.
I don't know anymore.

[Harmony]

\
Actually, in general.. I thought talking about things would make you feel better? Why doesn't it feel better when I talk about it? I just feel worse knowing other people know this disgusting piece of me.

Talking about things online here anonymously feels better though.
Ugh.
I don't know anymore.

Dear BC,
It takes practice to feel better about talking with your close loved ones about one's own abuse. The practice includes staying mindful that the abuse was done to you not by you. Mindful that you were an innocent child not a predator. It takes practice to let the shame fall to the ones who did this to you. Staying clear about the abuser's shame while sharing privately with loved ones is a huge challenge. This disgusting piece is not you but what was done to you. You don't own this shame. Don't volunteer to own someone else's dirt. Easier said than done I know.

The anonymity of isurvive is a gift. Isurvive provides a place to practice before sharing in your real life. Please keep posting.

with care,
Harmony

[BlueCarapace]

Thanks Harmony.

I guess I needed to hear that.

It's just... Really hard and scary.

I'll try harder.

[Harmony]

Dear BC,

Please be gentle and kind to yourself rather than work harder. Maybe you can forgive yourself harder. I highly doubt you need to work any harder than you are already doing. Take a little time for you. You are a hard worker. I can tell.

with gentle care,
Harmony

[Stephie]

I have trouble talking to my love about the SA I experienced as well. I have found that it's much easier for me to talk about over text message when I can't see her face. You might try that. I've found I'm much happier having discussed things with her so she can be aware of places I'd rather not be touched.

It has been difficult to talk to her face to face but I think that's mostly my pride getting in the way... or maybe partly because she's a cop and I had been taught not to ever even whisper the word "abuse" around a cop or I'd be ripped from my "safe" and "loving" home.

Anyway, I'd definitely give texting a try. Best of luck
-Stephie

[DMT32]

Don't know if this would help because I don't discuss that with anyone not yet anyways but if things get to a melting point where I get to where I might open up and talk (maybe too much) I jot it all down to get the emos out, the stress and stuff you get when you want to let people in the know but not sure you'd regret it later. Once it's all safe and raw on paper, that satisfies my sudden need to overflow, then if I still want to say anything to anyone it's more controlled, more a choice than a need, and I can think about it and say what I want to say and as much as I want to say. If that makes any sense. The text idea sounds pretty good too.