isurvive.org

hi jb & ct - thanks for yer posts.
jb - hugs are ALWAYS welcome!!

this wk, ive managed to ..... take a shower, clean the huge trash pile at my bedside (i DO have carpet under it all!!) - actually took a bag out to cans, but they were full, so only got the one out. recyclin bins were already out, so that'll hafta wait....
& spent hrs (literally - almost 2 of em!) onna call to my ins... on hole while the gal researched/called others - end result info is medi-cal seems to think i dont have it, despite my ID card/# - ARGH! another VM w/ s/w, & more calls to make.
also called several of my drs, as i have no 'progress' on slop either - VM's left & t'marra's another day....

my back (mid) is in spasm, & my hip/leg is ... not happy. was readin more/again bout both my conditions & medications, along w/ other alts .... im thinkin of maybe wantin to switch pain drs (or ins...!)

been also 'runnin the home movies' - SOOOOO pissed @ aunt-mom - WTF did she insist on *the lies*? while at the same time sayin lyin was bad? talk bout crazy makin - she wanted to pretend i was her kid, call her mom, tell folx we were ~FAMILY~. - course, she dinna tell me any-a this, til after i told friends the truth, then their folx questioned her, then i got in major trouble for *exposin* her. then we moved. start over w/ the lies again. made me go by their last name - VERY difficult i/r/t medical stuff, school records, etc. i think she did it to piss off my bio-mom; or maybe her ... 'misguided' bs 'What Would The Neighbors Think!?' APPERANCES - certianly not to ... ease my comfort levels. i mean, therer was no reason for it - wtf was ~wrong~ w/ telllin the truth?!?!!!
i hate her, her bs, her anal retentive 'correct' bs; her .... evil vitriol, her deceits & lies, her HYPOCRISY, alla it. i hope she burns in hell for her crap. at least my bio-mom hadda excuse for her bs - she was one sick & f'd up puppy - at least her mental illnesses were dx'd, acknowledged, unlike aunt-moms 'perfect' crap.
i wonder how much of my 'trust issues' stem from aunt-mom?

i have a huge hoard, maybe 2 of gnats, cuz i refuse to deal w/ kitchen/dishes. - i do know that alotta my 'kitchen issues' relate to bio-moms abuses - among everything else, i was in charge of kitchen chores, & gawd help me if dinna cook, clean, shop Just Rite. she'd beat the fuck outta me if i dinna have the glasses, forks, spoons Just So. wooden spoons, hairbrushes, hands, fists, feet; but her faves were the old-fashioned cloth covered etention cords & wet rags. i have scars in my eyes from the rags whippin round my head, catchin me in the eyes. & faint scars (that show when im tan) on the back-a my legs from the extension cords. oh - theres also super-imposed on those the waffle marks from the floor vents - i fell asleep on em when i was real lil - she thot it cute, even as the stench of my burnin flesh brought my g'folx to my rescue. i think my hatred of her is 'purer' than my hate for aunt-mom. well, her abuse was 'purer' than aunt-moms, so theres that....

on FB, wunna my friends posted for mothres day a thing bout ack! & honoring all the kids who had the courage to 'divorce' their toxic mothers. that really hit me. she dunna know anything bout mine, so i wonder if she has her own story?

Hi reisha,

Reallly very sorry and sad to read some of what you've had to live through.
Wish better words existed to convey caring.

CT

thanks, ct

other memories that've been playin - my 1st 2 earliest ones. ive questioned if they're 'true', cuz i was an infant; but theres nuthin to say they ARENT true. i have fairly intact memories all the way back to .... maybe 2 or 3 yrs old, then things get sketchy. but anyway - in both these memories, im both inside & outside myself - kinda 'above myself' (disassociated?) or i dunno - its that part that makes me question em - if they were 'real', wouldna they be from 'inside' myself? anyway - 1st one is im in my bassinette, starin up at the black & white scottie dog mobile above me. thats it. when i' tell my folx bout it, they dinna believe i could remember that, yet they confirmed both basinette, & mobile, so i dunno.... 2nd one is .. im a few months old, in bio-moms huge canopy bed, on my back, watchin her watch me. she had a drink in one hand, a cig in the other. i was reachin for her/rollin over & fell off the bed. she just stood there, lookin at me. then everything went black. then there was lots of noise, comotion, my g'folx puttin me back in the bed. this one is more disturbin. bio mom so .... dispassionate, disconnected (drunk?)

yesterday, i managed to attempt dealin w/ dishes. washed a few, but still have many more. &, it IS physically difficult, to stand at sink (esp w/ current 'pain flare'), & i dont have 'arm strength'. the motion of scrubbin is painful. still, ino alotta it is mental, not physical; & even w/in that, does it matter? really want/*need* help.

pcp asst returned my call, & has called a coupla-a more times - the request/approval for slop went thru! YEA! - no bs, or need to appeal this time. - probly cuz its the same 'oversite' folx who did last one - that time, was a HUGE hassle, appeals, etc - they dinna wanna approve, cuz i dinna have stomach tube. my arguement that gettin the tube'd cause more cost, risk . they told me they were glad i appealed, it was 'policy' to deny 1st request, (stupid policy!) & were waitin for me to appeal, when they could overturn decision. so, this time, now, im just waitin for ... whatever co is gonna supply me to call, so i can put in my order. the stress releif is HUGE.

still no other progress w/ ins/medi-cal - need to put in ANOTHER (VM?) call to s/w - im really gettin pissed/frustrated w/ her - ino its a non-profit (understaffed, etc) but really! i *expect* more ... timely return of calls than what shes doin (not!)

i apologize for not keepin up w/ others threads - just ..... too self-asorbed, or dont think/feel i have anything to offfer. in my heart & head, im thinkin of y'all, sendin support. guess im ... scared or sumtin - afraid of bein overwhelmed, & i cant even expalin over what.

& i wonder why, what ~causes~ memories to 'kick in', play on repeat the way they do. glad t comes back net wk - really need to talk w/ her....

((((((((((((((((((((( Reisha ))))))))))))))))

Shocking and disturbing memories and experiences you described. Thank you for trusting us with them. My heart goes out to you. So hard when they seem to loop round, isn't it? Does sound like you may be overdue for your next T session. Hopefully that will enable some kind of a release valve & the pressure may ease...(hoping.....)

Huge congrats AGAIN on conquering the mad system you have over there getting your slop sorted. Sorry the rest isn't sorted yet. I don't know how you do it, keep chasing, keep calling, keep fighting for basic needs to be met & care given - cos you have to tho, huh? It's wrong, wrong, wrong. Congrats too on all the chores you're tackling, and with the pain too. Reisha, you are quite remarkable.

Sending the most nurturing, loving support and hugs that I can.

Jitterbug

hi reisha,
just offering support to you.
many hugs,
recover xo

beyond frustrated, close to 'the multiverse hates me' again. intellectually, ino thats not so, but emotionally ....... !!

ins - run around. finally talked w/ s/w & she also spent hrs on phone to medi-care & -cal; i do have 'cal', but also have 'share-of-cost', which is wrong, cuz im so low income (the 'extra help' stuff - which shows on my records) & a bunch-a other conflictin info - ARGH!!! so, we now have an appt june 6 to talk to hicapp - sum ins expert agency. until this gets straightened out, im screwed on makin any changes, & am still bein charged preiums, co-pays, etc that i *shouldna* be payin (& quite truthfully, cant afford) it also affects my eligibility for certian services

to add to that, .... SLOP - got the approval notice, & the co to contact, to place my order. got reffered to yet another co.THEY say 'oral not covered', then kicked me up to sum 'better' person, who looked at the auth, & said 'hmm...', let me talk w/ my peeps, this *should* go thru - give me a coupla-ahrs, & i'll call ya back'. of course, no return call.; so today i call em again. get told that nope, orals not covered AND its outta network. give me 2 other co's to try. (well, they wont have this auth letter,) - well then, WHY do i have this auth letter sayin its been approved, & yer the co to supply me? makes me think the auth peeps maybe dont know their shit, or sumhow gave me a co thats wrong, but that dunna make sense, cuz they look at all my records, whos in network, etc.....
call my pcp/asst - out to lunch (of course!) then call the auth peeps - on hold forever, endless loop. i hang up & redial - now get recordin sayin they're all in staff meetin til later today.

see my GI today - ha! she's not gonna hear much bout my caloric intake, or how much water i drink, or even how my GERD symptoms have been - she's gonna hear a bitchfest session which ritefully belongs in t, who i see t'marra (thank gawd!)
really just makes me wanna givethefuckup, yano?

my 'home venue' had a kitchen fire (deep fryer exploded), several in hosp, one badly burned w/ life threatenin burns. then that manchester bombin too - wtfs WRONG w/ this world?!?!

sorry i havna been supportin folx here, unable to really even keep on threaeds & feel bad bout tha, yet hope/know y'all understand. im grateful to y'all

{{{ISURVIVE!!}}}
{{{ALLA US!!}}}

well, GI appt went well - i weigh 98.3 lbs!!!! (w/ clothes, so probly 95?) - YEA, go me!!! - no idea HOW ive managed that, as im not doin 6 slops/day, cuz i have this weird idea that if i use it all & dont have anymore, i wont ever get more, but if i still have sum, more'll come.

pcp asst just called - ARGH!!!! she talked w/ auth peeps, & theyve re-authed several times, w/ diff co's/vendors - alla em sayin they're not contracted w/ medicare any more (thanks, trump!); they're now talkin to to co that usta supply me on my last ins plan (please, gawd!) - this truly is a matter of life/death, kinda sorta REALLY!

t yesterday - bitchedNwhined bout all this ins/slop crap; & 'got truthful' bout my slovenly ways. i saw in Theres thread a post from JB that fairly accurately described the sitch (so jb, if yer readin this - THANK YA for that!!) we talked sum bout how The Past still haunts me (yet no suggestions on how to better deal w/ it or affect change - grr!) & we touched on trump (the Orange Turd - i always wanna type 'dump' instead-a 'trump') - how that kinda creates a ... 'background fear' that is always there.

& we talked about the Manchester bombing - while ive never dealt w/ sumtin that horrific, i HAVE had many sitches that were scary/chaotic when i worked. - anive had needle sticks, & bodily fluids; cot folx w/ knives (but not guns); there WAS one show where shots were fired - rite outside my office, in the parking lot - my office & the entire venue went to to lockdown for an hr & 1/2 b4 the 'all clear'; ive broken up countless fights, been in mosh pits (not moshing, but controlling/watching - & gettin hit); other things where we had to evacuate the venue. so in that sense, ino what its like to deal w/ such things. & im so deeply heartbroken for all those innocent lil lives lost. i have no real way of lettin any-a em know. & the staff, 1st responders - ino what they dealt w/ too. way b4 'terrorism' was a word used daily, i often thot how EASY, (& how horrific) it'd be to hit a entertainment venue. ... my t dinna realize just what-all i did & dealt w/ when i worked. & im SOOOOO pissed at Isol - i hate that 'stole' the name of a goddess & always liked that obama called it Isol, not Isis, & .... its all just so brutal & un-necessary. (when *IM* Queen...!) im so very sorry for all affected - which is any HUMAN being. im sendin waves of love & sorrow to {{{MANCHESTER CONCERT FOLX!!!}}}

>insert> just gotta call from the co that usta supply slop - also a 'no-go', so im now typin one-handed as im on hold w/ my ins co, cuz the 'no-go' folx said my particular plan ('ruby red' ) i hafta go thru wunna THEIR vendors. im not real hopeful, as i explained my sitch & the gal said she'd be happy to find me a dr IN network (ARGH!0) why cant folx actually LISTEN instead-a just goin offa 'the script'. ok, she's now on the kinda on the same pg - what flavor do i prefer; back on hold while she reads thru pgs for my eligibility - have i mentioned how much i hate crappy canned (slop!) muzak?!?!?! - ok, she says i hafta go see wunna their nurses... more muzak - this if rediculous, & f'd UP!!!!! (as she's lookin for one) - now says its not covered on my plan, so i asked for an appeal, & ARG!!! i hafta do it in writing..... got the addy & fax #. also asked if there was a DIFF plan they had that WOULD cover it - ive usually had 'special needs' plans in the past. not that she sees... thanks for nuthin, bye! im in tears. just wanna give the fuck up. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO f'n tired of fightin this same damn fight over & over & over & over. & tried callin pcp back - thy're at lunch, will call back again inna bit. gonna ... get sumtin to eat, & grab a cat, & pull the blankies over my head - just ... sobbing

reisha, gawd, what strength you have dealing with the slop situation! Reeeeeeally hope it gets resolved in your favor very soon!
The Manchester thing has me in tears, too. I live literally next door to a Peace Garden commemorating the lives lost in Marathon bombing. Another little child of 8 gone here, too. Am so sad.
Reading what you went through as a little girl. Really feeling sad that it happened. Words aren't enough, though.

What a memory/mind you have, reisha. My earliest memory is from age 2.5. Am blown away by you.

It's interesting how you can connect kitchen cleaning now with your responsibilities as a kid. I have a connection with kitchen cleaning from adolescence, when it was my brothers' job to clean dishes, kitchen, as mine was planning, cooking meals for dad, bros and there.
To me, it's no wonder if I rebel by not cleaning as an adult. Just didn't have the parenting that would have made self-care in adulthood more available, built in to me. Just my opinion about me. Might be of value to you or JB, also.
I don't think having difficulty keeping things clean, somewhat orderly necessarily means we (including Jitterbug here) are just slovenly or simply slobs.
Seriously, it takes megatonnage of energy to do everything else for starters! Plus physical illness, mental challenges, limited resources. Like you would say to me at times, please cut yourself some slack! I think you do remarkably well with everything, reisha. Getting tears in my eyes here.
Sending you some fluffy clouds of carefree fun containing but not limited to ---bubble bottles, whoopie cushion, silly putty, finger paint, slinky toys. Hope inner little(s) might have some much needed joy and creativity!
I'm proud of you, reisha!
((((reisha, little reisha))))

oh, {{THERE!!}}
thank ya for that. im tearin up, to read yer kindness.

the kitchen stuff ('cleanliness' in general) - as talked w/ t about it (she sez she uses a maid for the stuff she dunna wanna do) - i do know parts of it. - bein forced to do stuff way too young, its partially about rebellion (u not the boss-a me!) - exerting my 'independence'; its partially fear of doin it 'wrong' & bein beaten; its partially that i STRONGLY dislike doin dishes (can ya blame me? - hmm, just realized that yes, i DO blame myself; so thank ya, There for suggestin a bit more self love here); its partially about the physical strain it puts on me. &, its partially ... my own 'self-punishment' - i *dont deserve* a nice, clean kitchen - as JB said, the outter (wo)manifestation of my inner chaos.
yet, as i told t - my thinkin is sooooooo messed up w/ this - *IF* it were ~purely~ due to physical limitations, it'd be ok to ask for help, but if its *just* cuz-a mental stuff, then its def NOT ok - that f'd up FOO (scots stoicism?) bs gets in the way.
as i write this all out, it seems obvious that the solution is to ask for help. for the 1st time, i can dispassionately see that. as my s/w has long said - the 'why' dunna matter ( well, it does, but thats in another domain), just find a solution. as i told t that ino alotta bout what causes it, i dunno how to fix it (ask for help - duh!) i keep thinkin that *I* hafta fix it on my own, fixin it by askin for help is .... 'wrong', a weakness, a luxury ( *i dont deserve*...) - again, FOO tapes 'win'.

even tho i kinda planned on attemptin chores today, i think, instead, im gonna (bed slug for a bit) - enjoy my virtual bubble bottles, whoopie cushion, silly putty, finger paint, slinky toys. - maybe even go out into the apt garden & read out there for a bit - or, if i get REALLY inspired, see what local free offerings are avail this wkend ( mon, 'aunty' & i are goin to see the new [4 hr long! - 20 minnit 'break' in the middle] dead movie - avail on amazon prime june 2, but we're seein it on the Big Screen - special showing)
thanks, again {There!}

{{ISURVIVE!!}}

hi reisha,
just want to let you know i am reading and caring.
not many words, echo there who said it well.
much love,
recover xo