REISHA 2017 (the journey continues...)

[Couragetoday]

Hi Reisha,

I hope it will continue to feel safe
writing here.
Thankful for so many good folks here and all the volunteers that help keep it safer than any other internet site I know of.

Hope Plunk will be ok. I don't know much about cats, but can they get mites induced by stress and anxiety like dogs?
Poor Plunk. Sending healing vibes.

Sending gentle encouragement to makes calls, do things that are most important to you.

CT

[there]

Joining Ct in hoping you'll feel safe to post. It's important to know that it is.
Was thinking of you earlier as I did 5 mins of cleanup around the bed. Much more to go, but I moved forward today.
How's your cleaning/clearing effort going?

[1000miles]

Hi Reisha,

Not sure who you were considering as the troll, but one person did recently have his account disabled for posting inappropriately. His posts did sort of seem troll-like to me. Perhaps he was the person you were concerned about?

Hope you can feel safe to post here again. I think this place is well-guarded and actively patrolled.

1000miles

[Banana]

((((((((((reisha)))))))))) if ok

I'm sooo sorry that certain posts upset you and made you feel scared to post here. I get it, I really do. I found them distressing too and triggering but 1000miles is right. The person in question is not a member anymore. Jonesy and all the moderators work so hard to keep this site as safe as possible. Honestly, I've never felt this safe on any other site. Saying all this, it's absolutely ok for you to feel sad and to struggle with feeling compassion towards this person. The thing is that anyone who comes here will be in different places in terms of healing. Anyway, I really hope you can feel safe here again. You are truly cared for here and missed.

Ugh, it sounds rough dealing with all the insurance stuff. I'm not surprised you feel let down. I hope it doesn't take too much longer to get sorted. I really understand being stuck in a rut when there's so much to do, whether that's cleaning or other stuff. I find myself in that place and the only thing I have found that helps a little is choosing one or two tasks that I'll get done in a day. I try not to put too much pressure on myself but that feeling of satisfaction at having completed something can help to build a little momentum. I don't know if that would help. Maybe writing here could help if feelings become overwhelming.

I don't know if any of what I said is helpful but please do know I care very much.
Banana

[ajei]

Hi reisha...I'm sorry you have felt upset on site recently. We try hard to make this a safe place for all, whilst trying to take into account that everyone is in different places in their healing. We choose to monitor posts and give everyone a chance, however, sometimes it is an impossible position we find ourselves in and we have to make a decision that is safest for members and the site. I hope you can begin to feel safe again and post freely. You are valued here. Sending you much care and support.

ajei

[reisha]

thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! - everyone

ajei - ino y'all do a incredible job, & please know its so very much appreciated!!!

banana - thanks 4 yer (as always) thotful & 'on point' response. - & if i hafta tell ya One More Time that hugs are ALWAYS ok, im gonna hug the poop outta ya!! - when i worked R&R, my crew & i would (dependin on the festi) wear tees that said 'hug patrol'

1000miles - how delightful to see ya here! thank ya for yer reply. i havna 'cruised' thru the site yet, but am glad to read this.

courage - thanks for the plunk vibes. he's doin better - he got a bath, & ive been diligent w/ the 'yuuk' (eucalyptus) oil mix.

there - after confessin to t, i got a bag of trash outta bedroom, took most-all dishes into bath (bigger 'sink', + jaccuzzi power, hehe) - still need to finish up in there, but its 'progress'? oh - also took a bath/shower b4 t - yea, go me! (but then slept ALL damn day t'day - JUST woke up - yikes, grr!

dewd - wonderful to see ya here! - for a 'cant-say-much' intro, yer sure a 'chatty cathy', lol. ino ya can relate to too much of my stuff, & it means alot to me, to see yer take on things. thank ya

~~~~~~~~

CRAP!!!!! back down to 84.8 lbs. no wonder im tired/'lazy'/not doin anything. & no, havna been 'eatin' much. ZERO appetite, & it ... just dunna dawn on me to fuel myself. or, when it does, i 'reject' slop outta hand. i dont like the taste, HATE the smell, & the 'texture' is .... borin as f***. plus - ino its irrational, but i have this notion that if i use it all up, i'll never get more, but if i still sum, more'll come.
so, gettin fuel in me is again toppa The List
{along w/ ......!!)

got a 'pay or quit' notice. guess i needed that to motivate me. how f'd up is that?! but got the damn MO (along w/ meds)


still upset w/ 'aunty', & am in process of writin a note to her - lked w/ t bout it, & feel .... more confident in my need to address things, if that makes sense

ins - UG! (divin under covers!) - the 'new' one is .... basically to keep folx outta nursin homes. dunna that i meet that ~level of care~. - SOL - f'd up, but not f'd up enuff - a variation on ~not GOOD enuff~. so, am ... <SIGH, HEAVY SIGHS!> startin 'the (research) process' all over again w/ the 2 other options mentioned to me. & i s'pose its still possible i'll qual for this one. - called their gal - VM, & yet to get a call back. also have calls in to my s/w.
called my current ins about several issues - unsatisfactory responses on alla em - i can add to my policy by phone, but cancelin requires written. (i'd added chiro & acupunture, but havna used em, & would rather use the $25/month towards that swim center - its $22/month)

*warning* - poly-ticks ahead
bunch-a major 'pushme-pullya' bs in the bay area this wk/end - across the bay, white nationalists got a national parks permit to rally today, 'counter-protesters' also mobilized. mayor sayin all kinda 'dont engage' stuff. LONG list of banned items (from workin R&R, ino what can constitute a 'weapon' - hell for searchers!)meanwhile, on my side-a the bay, a similar 'plot' is playin out. then last nite, the WN say they're cancelin rallys, & holdin press conference at different locations. on-again/off again - road clouseres, public transpo re-routed, extra cops, etc, etc - 'non-event' chaos, & everyone upset, on edge, confused & unsure of whats goin on, where is safe, etc, etc. so, in that respect, they achieved objective, w/out a single act of violence. yea for nuthin, huh?
but it all adds a lil *extra spice* to my 'back burner trump simmerin pot of angst'
*end warning*
~~~~~~~

i want....... ino ..... i sumhow gotta affect sum change in my life. t & i talked bout it - i want more/diff/other than what life is currently like ( i want my old self/life back, dammit!) such an uphill climb!! gotta get sum weight on me 1st. (or not - we talked bout whats likely if i dont make changes - & [shocker!] im ok w/ that too. )
i ... 'mentally rehearse' chores & stuff, but thats bout as far as it gets. i *dream* of a more active life. as to relationships, im kinda beatin myself up for my 'failures' there - failure to pursue or maintain em.
i dunno .....
need to get flat again for a bit here soon, but goin try & catch up w/ a few threads 1st.

love & support to all, & special thanks to the mods etc for all their fabulous never endin work!!
{{{ISURVIVE!!!}}}

[reisha]

• oops!

forgot to add this to above post:
social security sent me a big ole thickass thing - disability review. never had one b4, & while i understand its 'routine' <snirt!>, i find it invasive. - of course, its 'voluntary' to reply, but if i dont, it *may* affect my bennies. hah! voluntary my ass! they want ALL med records, includin psyche, & then, 'accordin to their rules', they'll decide if im still disabled. this has long been a burr under my saddle. sum NON MED, NON DR f'n bean counter is makin decisions bout my LIFE!!!!!! <insert long & major rant bout this!> - im fairly confident im (still) disabled, BUT!!!!! - yet another unneeded bunch-a bs/stress.
oh well........

[there]

reisha, read all. With you, girl, supporting you in it!
just want to respond to your 2nd post.
If I get one of them, I bring it to the T. Some Ts really know what to put in those forms about psych stuff to keep you qualified, so you could ask yours. You can ask outright if your T will vouch for your 'disabled status' (if it's psychiatric or part that), for if/when you get a less voluntary letter. Do you also need medical 'proof' for physical disabilty? Is there a s/w who would give you time to sit with you and help you get at least some of the form filled? Bunch of ideas, please take or leave.
In my experience, best to 'whistle for your hounds' (summon the inner strength and outer allies)to reply asap to voluntary letter. Lessens stress.

Bedtime for there. More tomorrow.
((((reisha))))

[reisha]

thanks {there!} - i like 'whistlin 4 hounds' - gonna steal that one ( hey! im an honest thief )

this ss thing - 11 pages of questions. specifically says (in bold print) DO NOT ask healthcare provider to complete. & yes, it wants to know EVERYTHING, including my 1st pets name & how often/what kind of sex i have ( ok, not *quite* that nosy, but almost) it wants listing of each dr, 1st,last & next visit dates, what im seein em for, what treatment is/was provided (do not describes meds or tests in this box), a signed waver so they can request records for med, psyche, emotional &/or learnin probs; any educational/rehab stuff, any hosp's, list of ALL med conditions, list of all meds & who prescribed em (including strength, & frequency) & what im takin em for, what/how/when/where/why i use assistive devices, any other family/friend/agency/s/w who can 'verify' my case....... like i said, IMO, VERY intrusive!!!
~~~~~

i came in here today to ask if anyone else experiences this:
i realized last nite, as i was tryin to get to sleep, that when 'the home movies' start playin, its very different for my various abusers. w/ my aunt-mom, it is actual movies - people move & talk, scenes shift - there mite be a few 'close up freeze frames', but for the most part, its a 'movie'.
w/ my bio-mom & her 3rd H - my (main) molester, however, its all still frame shots. w/ titles kinda invisibly super-imposed. theres 'the bloody xmas', 'the bedroom incident', 'the sugar cube mission incident', etc, etc.
as im writin this, it occurs to me that maybe ... its a form of disassociation(?) - or, i was more disassociated durin the time w/ bio-mom than w/ aunt mom? - will ask t about this. & i wonder if theres ... a way to .... (make it all go away!) - would there be any benefit, if i could sumhow get those still shot memories to 'move' - would that help to work thru things?
but to me, it seems a significant realization, this difference tween these memories. im perplexed.
~~~~

allritey, then!!!
got the tub load of dishes all clean!! (yea, go me!)- its SOOO much easier to SIT than to stand. even got sum-a em put away! most are still in bathroom, tho. still need to tackle sink & counters b4 i can call it a kitchen, tho. also got tub & jaccuzzi machine all disinfected & cleaned out, ready & waitin for me to ~plunk!~ myself down in later t'nite.
i think its 'hopeless' tho - for each task accomplished, i see other things that'r gettin worse - its like i cant keep up w/ It All. - never endin treadmill of chores/tasks/errands/(mess!)
- im now aware (this ins bs has kinda hammered it home a lil more) that i do WANT/need(?!) help - again, its that variation of 'not good enuff' (not f'd up enuff) to qual. so, makes me wonder if maybe part-a my not 'eatin' is sumhow tangled up in this. - am i self punishing? or, is this an attempt to BE f'd up enuff? i swear to Sprout, if i dinna have 'eatin issues' b4 alla this, i shure-as-shit do NOW! ive said such b4, & i really do beLIEve that there IS a psyche component to this - t & ive discussed it - i dont fit profile for anorexia, despite my herstory - i dont present as anorexic. &, i agree. yet there is DEF a ...... 'disconnect' (for lack of better term), a psyche aspect. dunno what label/name to give it. im MEDICALLY anorexic, but psyche, its sumtin a lil bit (alot bit?!) different/other.
~~~~

does anyone know how to get rid-a gnats on a 12' high ceilin? now that im workin on reclaimin kitchen, im lookin for source. irritated w/ the lil f'rs flyin all round, i chanced to look up & OMG!!! AHA!!!! THATS where they all come from/go/are. i dont have a ladder or anything, & even w/ a 'pole-type-device' (broom handle), im still several ft short. & until i get the 'chaos' a bit more under control/order, im embarrassed/not gonna ask maintenance to come in. - ive got sum floorin commin up by the front door (plunk pees there, i clean, & the constant moisture has rippled the vinyl or linoleum or whatever cheapass fake wood the floor is rite at the threshold of my door) - feel very 'bad' <insert LOTSA 'neg self talk!!!> bout alla this.

ok, think thats all for this installment. if ya've read this far, THANK YA!!
{{ISURVIVE!!}}

[there]

reisha,
SS 'voluntary form'- last 1 I had, I brought to then S/W/T. One of her pros was that she would help with things like this. I related ?s on form to her, she told me how to phrase answers. Just my experience. If not an option to ask professionals, I will try to help you here with a little of it. Can't make big commitment, but I can make a few suggestions based on my own "winning" record. Eye roll. (there to thereself: "Ok, not my fault, not my fault I need this, not my...).

Gnats- I have had a few this summer. I find a piece of a piece of fruit if I follow the gnat swarm. Toss that, gnats go. Possibly cleaning ceiling with some long handled cleaning tool or diy tool? Idk, may have to do also with climate, location, season?

My guess about home movies is that you may find ways to respond to them to loosen their grip. Visualization of say, surrounding movie scene with a bubble, then floating it to the sky -- or some variation, and 1 I have done/do. EFT, Qigong with visualization- I use these to reduce my trigger reactions in general. Can't say that I make the memories or situations go away. My experience only, please take or leave.

You did a lot of cleaning! Good job. Yes, more to go, and you've made a real start. I understand the looking around to other needs in your place not encouraging. It does take courage which you have!
I get that you may have resistance to getting help.
I do hope you can reward yourself somehow, for a great job done. And give yourself a break/change of scenery now. You've earned it, reisha!