REISHA 2017 (the journey continues...)

[reisha]

time to start a new 'diary'

it toook me a moment to recall How To Start A New Thread, lol!!!

SO, ... Whare Am I, How, am i, WHO am i (gonna be...) this year? as i told another - no 'invalid comparisons' - no comparin mice elf to others, only to self - their resources, strategies, etc not mine. compare *MY* hows & whens & what knots to where i been. <reisha places big, huge, colorfull 'road signs' along her route, gigglin, cuz she noze she has no idea where shes goin. well, she maybe has a lil glimmer ova idea, maybe....>

i love this site.
i love the members, the posts, the sharing & caring, the ...... truths, the lifes, the GD BEAUTIFUL HUMANITY that finds its way here.
i am grateful to get to be a part of this 'web experiment'.

'we attract the teachers we need when we need em'
thats my 'motto' for this new year.
(which begs the question of trump, but theres plenty of time for that, later....)

where am i?
2016 was a ruff one for me; but not w/out sum major changes
i became housed ( & thats huge, im still reelin, rockin & rollin from THAT>>>>!!!!)
thers alotta 'which came 1st, the chickens, or .....???'; as i try to make sense, & 'stabilize - & contemplate the idea of .....
MAYBE?
(hmm, the idea of 'maybe'? i thot i was gonna contemplate the actual DOIN of sumtin, but maybe im contemplatin 'maybe')
ok
i can be ok w/ that
cant i?

so, whether it was the chickens, or sumtin else, 2016 also saw both progress & relapses in terms of health - both physical & mental.
my weight is down
my mood is up (i suspect the addition of the 2nd SSRI is the culprit, to 'blame')'
i can do this
sumhow.......


i took a LONG bath last nite - refillin as it cooled - book, & drink, & munchies, & candle & bath salt & inscence &, &, &.......
i now STINK!!
need a bath/shower to get clean, wash all the sweat offa me.
bedroom trashed - dirty clothes, pprs AllOverEverywhere
front room & kitchen not much better.
'cat sitter' comes on tues, & i must have $ both for her, & laundry.
oh yes <reisha kinda mentally shakes her haid, 'wakes up' a bit>
GROAN up stuff - where are my clothes?
t'marra *must* take 'cart & buggy' w/ me - do the trek for bus pass/meds/cat food/cash/RENT/.......
ug
can i go back to 'maybe'?

i dont think im *quite* up or t'gether enuff quite yet for 'reality' - this warm bed & comfy snuggly blankies & kitties & **mindless** tv & books & snacks & treats & drinks is kinda really ~suiting~ me rite now, tyvm!!!!
(When *im* Queen....)

so, this yr, i intend to reconnect w/ friends, deepen my connections where i can.
>i intend to continue to work on my health, both mental & physical, both spiritual & financial.
>i intend to stabilize enuff to not just contemplate, but actually Take Action on sumtin either craft related, &/or social (justice)
& lastly (or *maybe* 1stly!), i intend to find more occasion for silly, litehearted moments!!!

[recover]

i am honored to be the first respondent to you...supporting your intentions for the new year and anything else you need or want support with.
so glad to know you.
love,
recover xo

[Jitterbug]

(((((((((((((((((((((( Reisha ))))))))))))))))))))

LOVE your intentions. They sound strong and determined too.

Jitterbug x

[there]

Yay, reisha,
Second the light-hearted and silly moments!

[Harmony]

Hi reisha,

Back to posting after a long break. Glad you are taking kind care of yourself in the new year. It is your time so spend it wisely and with great fun. Hope good things come rolling your way.

with care,
Harmony

[reisha]

:~> oh - thank you, recover, there, jitterbug, harmony!!

ok, i am SERIOUSLY bent all outta shape .... 'aunty' flaked on me AGAIN!!!! & i am so beyond pissed - after her '1st flake' on meeting b4 xmas/NY; we agreed to meet today. i take 2 buses. onna good day, it takes bout 40 minnits. today, it took over 2 hrs. - every mom w/ stroller, every disabled w/ wheelchair, every idjit w/ shoppin buggys - ARGH!!!! i texted her that i was runnin late. i get there, no aunty. i text her again, wait 15 minnits, then call & leave a vm. i wait a 1/2 hr, call her again. this time, she answers & gives me a bunch-a bs bout gettin 1/2 way there, then gettin 'anxious' & goin back home. WTF'N FUCK!!!?!!! - ya cant text or call to lemmeeno?!?!?!

& she has a bad habit of talkin over folx, interupting - usually, i either let it go, or try talk over her, if its important enuff to me. today, i couldna get a word in edgewise & it REALLY bunched my panties.

i really wanna say sumtin - both bout her yakkin bs, AND her ..... 'disrespect'. ino she's ~goin thru stuff~, but im not feelin very charitable towards her, her 'issues' - as she refuses to deal w/ her shit - depressed & anxious & whonoze what else, but blows off dr appts, in denial, wont address or deal w/ stuff, *lack-a self care*. (im one to talk, which is why i think i CAN call her on her shit!!) - i'll wait til 3d, (give me time to get over MYself) but i dont think i can let this slide.

in other news, ive had 3 'rotten teeth'/loosing teeth dreams in the last wk - ino that loosin teeth dreams are about anxiety, but i couldna figger out what, precisely my angst is/was about - told t yesterday - the last dream, as im spittin out all these rotten teeth, they were small, pale, faceted emeralds. t pointed out 'the obvious' - w/ this recent weight/ER visit/dietitain stuff goin on .... (well, DUH!) - guess it was too 'in my face' for me to see it. she also suggested that the emerald part mite mean that i AM *worthy* - or, commin outta transition, into ... a more healthy perspective. i dunno .... maybe - am *chewin* on that idea.

[recover]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((reisha)))))))))))))))))))))))))
i would be pretty upset about the situation with your aunt too! ggggrrrrr...
you are definitely, absolutely "worthy". very.
i hope you are ok tonight.
lots of love,
recover
p.s. thank you so much for your kind wise caring words on my thread. much love to you xoxoxo

[reisha]

so , t ..... spoke w/ s/w & told her an emphatic 'NO!" to both the ideas of either adult protective services ( equals a 'loss of control' for me that t dunna agree i 'need' - i agree!) or deeming me (psyche)-anorexic - for similar reasons. hmm, sez i - as i contemplate all this - its less 'scary' for me to be considered psyche-anorexic than *just f'd up*/APS. how weird & f'd up is that!? things to discuss w/ t on thurs....

still bent bout my friend 'auntys' behavior. am now thinkin i'll write her, cuz whonoze when i'll actually see her; & i dont wanna be 'passive agressive' when i finally do give her her (xmas) gifts. - yano, bitch her out, then gift her, or vise-versa.

so, im probly gonna 'ruff draft' a few ideas here

aunty-
this is a difficult note for me to write, as i hesitate to admit to my vulnerabilities, let alone call ya on yers.

im very hurt & disappointed by our inability to communicate well, let alone actually meet.

the 1st time, i got a lil mad that ya'd waited so late to let me know - ESP as yer excuse involved bein out partyin w/ others, & havin gotten sick.
for me, a large part of wanting to meet was that it was the 1st time in 5 yrs that i was in any way able to 'participate in the season' & i so very much wanted for it to be *my treat*. so, there was/is a lot of my own .... self perception wrapped up in this. thats on me.

this 2nd time, what i cant understand, what i cant get over is - knowing we were to meet, why ya dinna (try to) contact me when ya saw i wasna there? ya say ya dinna get my texts. & it seemed ... very 'off' to me that i hadna gotten any texts or calls from you. this is very unlike you, aunty.
& when ya told me bout ya gettin there, or almost there, or ... i dunno - it dinna make sense, as when i told ya they werent open til 4, it was news to ya. that told me ya hadna actually made it there, or ya woulda mentioned em bein closed.
ya did take sum ownership, but also 'excused' it by sayin that yer head/emotional state.... ya kinda trailed off, then ya said ya were still kinda sick. then said ya were gonna be out my way not til after next wkend, to visit yer sis.

all of this has me very concerned, aunty. i think theres more (or maybe LESS) goin on w/ ya than usual; than yer willin to admit. altho ya can get quite 'avoidant' at times, yer anxiety usually has ya in frequent contact, ESP if things are scheduled. whatevers goin on w/ yer head ( & i so wish ya'd seek help for that!), ya DID sound physically sick - im surprised & alarmed that ya havna sought help for that.
part-a me wants to grab ya by the shoulders & wake ya up. part-a me wants to nurse ya. alla me is concerned, disappointed, hurtin for ya, & alarmed. another part wants to go all 'psyche-y' on ya - have a long convo bout self care, self perception,martyr-ing, etc. - wtf?, aunty!!!

ya can tell me to f' off, that im outta order; i'd be pissed if sumone called me on stuff like this. it is yer life, to live as ya see fit. i can honor that; i just wanna check & make sure this is really what ya intend? are ya makin the choice to ignore yer health? ( yer relationships). if ya need to ... w/draw, hibernate/isolate; if its too much to maintain good communication; then can ya at least see that, admit that, own that? i will still love ya, but if ya need space, please be honest about it!
fwiw, i DONT agree w/ ya ignorin yer health; it is difficult for me to be fully supportive of that, even as i struggle w/ my own poor tendencies. & the 'false separation' of physical vs emotional ( or spiritual, or financial, or......) be damned!!!

i love & ya & am concerned boutcha, & *think* we've been both the kinda friends that can say these things to each other, & have known each other long enuff to be able to say these things to each other. - full frontal honesty, no bs, just love.

take care of yerself, {{AUNTY!!}}
i hope we can get together sumtime soon - & yes, i still want it to be my treat!!!
i love you
r
~~~

ok, thats a mostly ok note. mite need to change sum-a the last paragraphs - i can see a bit my own bs seepin thru.....

[Couragetoday]

Hi reisha,

Glad I found you. Way behind in 2017!
Haven't been able to catch up yet but looking forward to reading how things are for you.

Take care,

CT

[Couragetoday]

Hi again reisha,

All caught up. :)
I'd be REAL upset if I went to all that effort to meet up with the other person, and they were a no show with no communication. If an emergency came up, different story of course.

I hope drafting the letter here helps to know what direction to proceed.
I won't pretend to have any insight to offer as I don't know what kind of relationship you have with "aunty".
It does sound to me you'd like to keep a relationship going if possible, so maybe proofreading with that in mind, if that is what you desire?
I appreciate your honesty in your letter.

As for the adult protective service option vs psychiatric anorexia - gosh - I would not be happy with those 'options' either.

Sorry I can't find many words to offer atm Reisha. But pls know I Care lots, and hope for the best on all fronts.

Sending big but gentle hugs if ok,

CT