REISHA 2017 (the journey continues...)

[reisha]

hmmm...

courage - whadd'ya mean by 'mood'? - isna that the same as 'emotion' or 'feeling'? - im sure ive tracked my ~moods~ (emotions?feelings?) b4; not sure of exact terminology used (or if it matters). - not sure if im readin ya rite, but sounds as if they're different (sum overlap?) - if so, THAT is a new idea to me, & im not sure where 'the boundaries' are tween em. if they're same thing, then yes, ive tracked b4 - & we can list this under 'another forgotten tool' - i can see where there'd be value to me to do so again - it ESP makes sense, as i age; as meds are added/deleted.......
(i kinda almost hope 'mood' IS different than 'emotion' - give me a new 'chew-toy'!)

warning: political ranting nonsense dump below!!!

sum-a my fave signs:
> Fump Truck!
> im 87 y/o & im STILL protesting this shit?!?!!
> i made this cuz i really needed to stab sumtin 35,000 times (a needlepointed sign!)

wunna the late nite hosts quipped he thot the prez'dency was s'posta make the PREZ age, not The People. & we're 11 daze in. NOT my prez; NOT in my name; find mice elf wonderin if the prophecies got the dates wrong, or what w/ us f'n w/ calenders over the eons, the dates are off.... 'surreal' is the closest i can describe; yet 'surreal' is far in the rearview mirror...
this travel ban is gettin all the 'glory' (gory) coverage - & its bad enuff. but sum-a the other stuff - like the pipelines; the non-fundin of foreign aid to anything involved in reproductive rights; a level of 'chaos' in DC that makes me feel very unsafe; (etc, & on&on...) not to mention his 'shenanigans' that may/not be legal (or ethical....)
i live in a state/county/city that are often in the news, & not always for the 'best' of reasons. my city often has (leads) in protests - & not always 'safe' - better to 'travel' across the bay, up/down the bay ..... & my police dept is frought (love that word, for sum reason - maybe cuz its kinda <wrist-2-fourhaids>) w/ corruption, ineptitude, every neg 'ist/ism' there is, & just today announced the 'puter system is so f'd, its puttin out arrest warrents for folx yrs dead &/or case LONG resolved!
My particular apt is 'safe' - im in the 'backer part' of a deep, narrow lot.a whole building in front-a me, that ya hafta go thru (w/ several keypads along the way).
my neighborhood ...... i wouldna wander around w/out a destination at nite. BUTT!!! if protests get big, or stay long, im on a major thru-way to downtown. its also a 'low(er) income' area, very diverse, MANY immigrents, heavily latino/hispanic, but a good mix of asians, muslims, artists, liberals, weirdos, homeless, conservative, wealthy millinials, & others.
there is SOOOOO much unrest, anxiety, fear. its almost palatable. its weird - kinda like the shock after a natural disaster, but this is neither natural, nor done 'disastering'. its ... the 'pre-time' (gawd! i sound like wunna them 'doomsday' crazy fux - no offense intended!) b4 the disaster.

<political content over, i think?!>

so, sumtin bout stayin calm (like, HOW!?) - what can i actually DO, to lessen such wide, vague, 'abstract' anxiety? what *good* comes from me ~~goin~~ to protests, rallies ( the chance to meet like minds?!?!!)
the ACLU got 6X its usual annual amount in donations.

im rambling, ino. im more & more *feeling* (the Urge) to ... DO Something (more) than i been doin

ok - an old exercise i learned in the addiction counseling: ya write out no more than 20 ( cuz much more'n that, it loses effectiveness) index cards w/ sum version-a 'I KNOW MY <WHATEVER> IS GOING WELL WHEN I......' on the top, & then ya do 't-f-u-a's' down the side- Thots, Feelings, Urges, Actions. orig designed for recovery, its valid for any # of things - studies, relationships, health, SH, etc ..... but ya list em in that order, w/ '& when i THINK <x>, i FEEL<y>, & when i FEEL <y>, i have the URGE to <z>, & when i have the URGE to <z>, i take the ACTION of <z,y,x... q, r, b....>'
& ya do em in that order, cuz thats how they occur thots lead to emotions, which lead to urges, which leads to actions. depending on the 'train', the action may be in agreement, or 'in conflict' w/ the thot, etc - heres an example"

I KNOW MY INSOMNIA IS UNDER CONTROL WHEN I......
THINK about sleep w/out anxiety about how much i get, or when
when i think about sleep w/out anxiety, i FEEL 'smug', self-congratulatory, confident that ive mastered it
when i feel confident, i have the URGE wear my C-Pap, do a 'better' sllep routine (,softies, meditation, crystals, oils)
when i have the urge to do a better sleep routine, i DO!!

or, if were bout SH, yer action mite be to call a crisis line or friend, to come here rather than hurt self.

then ya flip the card over, & do the 'neg' version, listin what triggers ya into relapse.

separatin thots from feelins can be a real challenge, cuz alotta feelins are kinda 'pre-verbal', or 'non-verbal' or.... (yano?!) & our lang is frought (theres that word again!) w/ 'emotional' words & phrases. too often, we let our emotions do our thinkin. thers a whole lot more psycho-babble that goes w/ those concepts, but ya get the idea.


my t called to say my plan DOES cover her - yay!
need to make appt for .... echo cardiogram, & (this damn med shit never ends!) pick new pcp - part-a me thinks i * should* stay w/ these guys thru end of heart bs - & durin that time, also see if i cant get em to 'prior auth' the stuff thats lagging (like slop!! & sum-a my meds) - as they're familar w/ my ~specialness~, what i need, what the 'hoops' are; otoh, its their failure to do just that (among other things) that has me lookin for a new primary....
i really dislike how medicine is 'practiced' in this country (lemmeeno when yer done practicin, wouldja?!)
When *IM* Queen....!!!!

[Jitterbug]

Oh Reisha.

I've been absent for a week or so and I have soo missed your posts. You speak with a shorthand that is so frank, honest, informing and warm and you almost always make me smile (unless you really really struggling & even then, sometimes you find a way)

Thank you.

You are such an inspiration.

I don't want you to feel any pressure or expectation for future posts. That's not what its about. Just celebrating you being you.

(((((((((((((((((( Reisha )))))))))))))))))

Jitterbug

p.s Not in US, but feel your pain re political situation!!! Also thanks for thoughts/feelings/urges cards suggestion

[Couragetoday]

Hi Reisha,

Firstly, happy with you, you can continue seeing your T!
Deciding whether to stay with current PCP or switch is a hard decision. You listed the dilemmas quite well.
I would have difficulty knowing what to do in that scenario also. I hope a gut feeling kicks in and you can feel at peace with how to proceed.

I do struggle explaining certain things, especially succinctly, but here goes.
So this ap starts by asking you to rate your overall mood, on a 1/10 scale. (As a comparison, the physical pain scale comes to mind: overall, global pain level, so I might rate my physical pain as a 5/10)
Then, you have the option to write an entry, including the feelings (or content) associated with the overall moodstate. (Another comparison: if I think of "analyzing ", or checking in more deeply with my physical pain, I might find my left ankle feels like a 2/10, my arms 7/10, lower back 5/10, neck 4/10 some areas 0/10 etc etc)
(Maybe that's not a good analogy....)
if it's ok, I'll give you a very personal example to illustrate.
In one 'mood' log, I reported a very low mood state (3/10 -that's a bad place for me). Then I journaled how I was feeling. Some specific feelings associated with that overall mood were: defective, sad, angry. But I also noticed there were slight feelings of peace, and feeling connected to nature.
So even though overall, I was feeling quite awful, with many upsetting emotions, I noticed there were, almost at the same time, some 'positive', or helpful emotions.
Does that makes sense? This is a new concept to me too. A new way of considering things.
It's teaching me that there is room for a wide array of emotions, seemingly opposite ones even, to coexist at almost the same time in different overall mood states. Somehow this helps me, to have a bit of hope.
If your still interested and it's still not making sense, I can try again.

Thanks for sharing the excerise below! I think I might try it.

Also, not in the US, but I'm really sad about all that is happening in your area, and across the country. The effects (though certainly not on the same scale) are being felt here too in tragic ways.

Thinking of you, and thanking you for your support to me.

Couragetoday

[recover]

hi reisha,
reading and supporting you. really glad you can continue with your T.
i'm with you politically. i am literally ill every time i look at the news. words cannot describe how horrific it all is. it is truly a nightmare.
here with love,
recover xo

[DewDrop]

Hi reisha,

I hear you on the politics. Disaster and near disaster on so many fronts. It is unreal. Very intense, fraught with danger, fear, greed, hate.
I especially like the needlepoint sign.

The exercise you described sounds helpful, in terms of recognition and management. Emotions->urges->actions... Good to keep in mind.

Glad you can stick with your T. Wishing you luck on the pcp decision.

Love,

DewDrop

[there]

((((reisha)))) reading your thread before bed and wishing all really great sleep!

[reisha]

i wanna reply to each, but probly wont - will miss sum, cuz my brains too full

thank ya all - JB, CT, THERE, RECOVER, DEWD

i think im fallin apart again/still. 'blame' it on the ()@#&@$)*^@#*^!#^!#! unending RAIN & wet & cold , cold rain & snow & wind & potholes & mudslides & flooding & traffic f-ups, &trump, &, &, &, ......

i am now willin to admit to my own increased level of anxiety. this month is the 1st to see me w/ my new ins - similar to the old ins, kinda, sorta, not-quite .... my monthly $94 premium may/not be p/u by 'extra help'. if so, yea; if not, then im REALLY stressin on my $25/per visit co-pays!!! - in t & pdoc alone, thats $125/month outta my measley (wait for it! - a $7.80/month increase for COL) $907.80/month. - altho i *could* reduce the monthly premium, *IF* i wanna opt OUT of 30 (combined in any #) yrly chiro/acupuncture visits.....
<sigh!>.
i havna gotten rent MO, or bus pass, or pain script (LONG-ass 2-bus ride!), or other monthly meds (am outta several), & theres ANOTHER wetass storm commin in t'marra, & i ABSOLUELY *MUST* Take Care Ofat least *most* of ^those^ things....
<sigh~>

WARNING: political rant ahead!
Never Has It Ever..... (remeber that game? - im takin slight liberties here)
taken any admin as long as trumps to confirm the cabinet.
w/ this latest .....
why the fuck do we need a Black History Month!?!?!?! - i know why, & that both saddens & angers me. so, here we are, in BHM, & senator warren ( a woman!) wants to read corretta scotts kings letter about sessions; the senaate silences her - cuz, its disrespectful, or 'not nice to say' (so shut up!). yet today, several male senators read excerpts from the very same letter.......
<sigh>
& nordstroms
yes, its ludicrous! insane! the inmates are runnin.....
i found mice elf laughin at the insanity; then i was shakin, tears (of fear? sadness? grief?) runnin....

i am anxious.
afraid.

<end rant> - (i think?!)

im still not eating. i dunno wtf my prob is. i ..... just .... cant./dont/wont. same complaints of it all tastes yuk, flat, cardboard. (or worse!) - i HAVE been od'ing on oj, choc milk, pumpkin seeds & crackers lately - but its sheer revolting hell to see/smell/feel/taste the slop.

oh - maybe 'duh!'? - t's been gone 2 wks - see her next thurs. cost wants me to go back to once every other wk, but i dunno .....

just feel .... sinking. 'need-to-scramble' (panic!) - oh, jeeze - wish i still had all my music - throw on sum widespread panic, or panic at the disco, or maybe sum quicksilver or sum {{neil!!}} (young!). or maybe, on my trek t'marra, i can find a good loud downpour to scream my throat out.

[reisha]

oh!

p.s. - ct, thank ya! - yer analogy was perfect - yer example made so much sense - i was doin my 'nodNread' thang @ yer post. i dont think ive ever looked at my 'moods-w/in moods' the way i do w/ my pain. - im almost kinda reluctant/afraid to try. but thank ya so much for explainin - i have 'noted it for future use'. the last not-so-few wet days have exasperated my ... muscleo-skelatal 'issues', ive been more focused on maintaining pain levels/(wo)managing.
but it niggles at me, cuz INO theres a connection tween em!!

[recover]

hi reisha,
reading and supporting you all the way.
not many words but here with you.
it's rough.
love,
recove xoxo

[there]

Yeah, I voted for Senator Warren. Somebody has to cut the crap and speak with courage. And didn't the dressing down blow back on McConnell for shutting her up?
'Neverthless, she persisted.'
Damn straight she did!
Thanks, Elizabeth Warren (and you, Mitch) for the encouragement.
I just might persist some more now!