investing people more than they invest into me

[sharlott]

Hi everybody,

I am wondering if someone has had similar experiences and if so, then how you addressed those.

I am waking up to the reality that, I have invested to most of my relationships way more than the other side. I am wondering why does this thing happen to me. Realizing that this is the case not only in my romantic relationships, but also in my friendships, really hurts.

The recent situation for instance- I am visiting my homecountry for a week. My friend, who has one child, tells me she does not have any time to meet me. OK, I ask for skype conversation- she does not answer. When she was visiting my homecountry, I made sure that I had the whole day free, even though we initially planned moving to this day.

I am meeting with a friend, who I mostly need to contact. She is two hours late. Not only that, but she does not even bother to tell me that she is late. She needed to pick me up from my work, so at least I did not have to wait outside. But still- she never even bothered to tell me that she is late- I had to call her. Later we met couple of times more- I contacted her. Then I stopped contacting her and she never contacted me.

My boss seems to have an opinion that she can expect me to make over hours. She also makes constant comments about how I am not doing enough, in fact.

My boyfriend keeps telling me how our skype conversations are favors to me.

I am wonering if I expect something extreme from people? Am I insulted for nothing? To me it seems that somehow these people know that they can treat me disrespectfully. Somehow they also expect that I push the relationships and once I am not willing to do this anymore, it all stops.

I quite hurt for having made such a discovery. I used to think that I have many friends, but now it really seems that my friends network is a dry well. Am I overeacting? If not, how do I make sure that people do not expect me to chase them?

Thanks for advice!

[reisha]

hi sharlott

i dont have many answers, (nor much advice either, lol!)
i can relate to alotta what ya wrote; i, too, struggle w/ relationships, the 'balance' w/in them. i think i felt alot like ya do when i was younger - dont get me wrong, its sumtimes still an issue, but i think w/ aging, ive just grown more cynical & bitter about it, so maybe sumtin i say mite prevent ya from doin the same.

theres a saying - ya teach folx how to treat ya. it took me YEARS to figger out just wth that really meant for me. it means things like healthy boundaries, limit setting, developing self worth, standing up for self.
for me, that looked like being able to clearly state (in one way/size/shape or another) 'yer behavior isna acceptable'. it looked like getting up & leaving - either temporarily, or permanently.
but what it REALLY looked like was a LOT of self examination - i hadda 'get real' about my own ..... neediness (for lack of better description) - i was DESPERATE to be liked/wanted/loved/needed, so i was willing to put up w/ things that really werent ok.
as mentioned, i still struggle w/ this.

if ya found any-a ^that^ useful, im glad. please feel free to reject it if it dunna 'fit' for ya

wishin ya much success & gentleness

[dancingfish]

Hey there sharlott. :) I understand what you describe, and has been happening to you with friends and at work. There are a few things I've realised over the last year or two, though reisha sums it up pretty well with boundaries, self worth, etc.

I read about how, if in the past we've become used to being treated badly, we can subconsciously seek out this familiar relationship with others in future. That is, we act in a way that allows other people to treat us like that, and we gravitate towards people who do because it's what we know.

When I first started realising I could see this in myself, I distanced myself from a lot of people, or at least stopped making all the effort to reach out... and I've not heard back from most of them. (That possibly looks like a kind of unfair 'test', but at the time I needed some space anyway and that happened to be a consequence.)

Also I started to look out for situations where I felt bad, because I hadn't been treated well. As I became more aware of that, I'd become more aware of it *as it was happening* - and I'd planned, in my head, things I could say or do when I noticed that. Such as "No, that's not okay", or "You can't speak to me like that." Only, I tend to come up with very apologetic versions instead (my t tends to point this out to me, I'd not noticed), to be less confrontational when I'm scared... and I tell myself that's okay, I look at what happened and think on what perhaps I'd like to happen for next time.

When you establish more healthy boundaries and tell people kindly but firmly to stay over their side of the line, you shore up a sort of reserve of more respect for yourself, and those other people (unless they're not very nice/aware) will modify their behaviour too - because you ask that of them, when they interact with you.

This can include what is and is not acceptable in terms of making you wait, etc. If I make arrangements now I try to clarify what is and isn't acceptable at the same time, so that expectations are managed. "If you're running over 15mins late, send me a message. If I don't hear from you after 20mins I'll head off, we can catch up later." It can be conveyed kindly, but firmly. (My example sounds a bit blunt/severe maybe, was keeping it simple and relevant to someone who apparently has no clue on social norms. ;) ) It leaves no uncertainty then. If they don't stick to what is acceptable to you (and them! With a good friend it should be about mutual compromise), you can choose to take the pre-agreed action that was okay for you. :)

I'm still working on this, and I try not to get mad at myself when I don't keep myself protected and safe, but I've definitely made some progress by repeatedly trying. Reading up on boundaries, working on a sense of self worth (self care is my magic formula! Of course it's horribly hard, and fluctuates all the time :D) helped me a lot. Also understanding the effects or patterns of things I'd experienced in the past, so that I could see when the less healthy habits were repeating. (I also carry a lot of guilt for doing anything perceived as "selfish", which used to refer disparagingly to anything that promoted/looked after my own needs, boundaries.)

Hope that helps a bit. Know that you very much are worth being treated respectfully, and that your time is precious. Time with you, is precious. :) You deserve being cared for and treated kindly! The very best of luck in creating a kinder world around yourself.

[sharlott]

Thank you both for responding,

I guess my problem is currently that, I see the behavior, but I have no idea what to do about it. I see my boss exploiting me for instance, writing me during my holiday and wanting me to do things. I go along, because I am interested in my work, but then realize later that, in fact she does not think this was a favor, but rather she starts expecting this behavior from me. Now I have tried to establish my borders with my boss, by saying firmly no to some tasks and what is the result- she cut my wage. It really feels cheap, because obviously she has really little respect on me as a person. I guess I was going along with a pattern of needing to get the approval of my boss and trying to be 'good girl'. My disappointment is in my own expectations as to how my boss should have reacted to my behavior.

However, what feels exteremely disappointing to me is the fact that, I have had to cut several people out of my life. My best friend actually used the blackmailing strategy- you do how I want or we are not friends anymore. I told her that this behavior is not OK. I have not heard from her ever since and it was half a year ago. However, it still hurts like hell, because I am wondering- do I really mean so little?

I guess this is the question that pops up in my mind. Do I really mean so little to these people that they have concern oer losing me. I also stated my borders about being late with a friend who was late. Her response was that it is common among her friends and that I should just get used to this. I unfortunately did not make the test if she would also be OK if I did this with her. However, again, she obviously had no concern over losing me rather than making changes in her behavior. The same seems to be true about my boyfriend.

What is up with these people? I am starting to state my borders, but they seem to have a huge issue with those.

[reisha]

hi again, sharlott

i think, as ya start gettin healthier, all these ... 'unhealthy' (for YOU) folx probly will kinda fall by the wayside - as dancingfish alluded to in her post, there's the tendency to gravitate towards unhealthy folx, if that's all ya know, all yer familar with. so, in that context ONLY, the answer to yer query bout 'do ya mean so lil' to these folx - the answers yes. - & i *must* stress to ya, {SHARLOTT!} - THAT'S ON THEM, NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the good news is that yer startin to see it, startin to make differnt choices, startin to assert yerself & say 'thats not ok'. & w/ these unhealthy folx, they'll get defensive, try to turn it back on ya, all kindsa mean & nasty, petty lil bs tactics to Resist Change.

stay strong, in yer self-commitment & dont let the b-tards get ya down!!
wishin ya much success & sendin tons of support & understanding