Sorting through my mess

[victoria]

I'm mostly venting and trying to organize my thoughts and understand things, so I pre-apologize for the rambling mess I feel like this is going to turn out to be. I don't expect anyone to address any of this really or have suggestions/advice, it's more like I just need to get it out because it's not something I can really say to anyone actually around me.

So I found out probably close to a year ago that a lot of my relatives dealt/deal with manic depression and bipolar disorder and I was reading some journals about it and there can be a predisposition for it and it made me wonder, maybe that's me. Ever since my early teens I can't find a long period of time where I wasn't down. I found a diary from when I was 12 and found that I had first start thinking about suicide was at 14. I had an almost attempt(?) I guess at 15 but I got in my own head as I was thinking goodbyes about causing other people pain, making them feel what I feel and I couldn't do it because I felt like then I'd be just like him. So when I still lived at home there was an obvious cause for my sadness as I was the only daughter left to take out the anger on. But once I left I thought it'd get better. I realize that was some hopeful wishing but now it's been almost ten years and I feel like things in life are going pretty decent overall and I still get in these downturns where I just kind of want to give up. So I started to pay attention a few months ago and I noticed that I would get inexplicably sad, nothing in particular would bring it on, and it would last for weeks or months. And then one day it would just clear up and I feel pretty positive (of course this doesn't last nearly as long as the downturns). I know my sadness is partially related to my childhood issues, I can't rebuild all the things I lost in that and it's frustrating and depressing. I also internalized a lot of it and undoing that is extremely difficult and has been unsuccessful. But still, I feel like it goes further than that and maybe I do suffer from depression. But part of me is like even if I do I don't want to take something for it. I know it probably sounds stupid and is probably unreasonable, but I don't like the thought of say taking pills to correct the chemistry or whatever because I feel like it's not real. It may very well make me feel better but at the same time, I want to know I'm happy because I'm actually happy.. not because it was a forced thing from a capsule. So, at least for now, that's not a route I'd want to go. I know there's also therapy, but my insurance doesn't cover mental health and I'm actually going to lose it soon regardless because all the providers in obamacare are drying up in my county. I imagine I'll just be moving on to catastrophic which definitely won't be great. Even so though, I feel like if I go to therapy then this issue will have to come up with my husband again and even though I tell him it's nothing he did, he still feels like he failed me and I hate that. I hate being the cause of someone else feeling bad especially since if anything he's saved me from a lot of sadness. So for now I'm kind of just following it and seeing if it does seem like there's any pattern or causes, not sure what else to do with that.

My next thing is just dealing with family. What's funny is once I left the home, my father was much nicer to me, it's like he suddenly forgot he had hated me. But I kind of separated myself from my parents regardless because even if things changed for them, it hadn't for me. I mean I still had the aftermath, you know? I didn't just forget, kind of wish I could but as I say that, I am what I am because of how my life played out, and I don't think I'd change that. Anyways, for a long time I'd just talk to them on the phone once in a while and slowly try to make it less and less. I lived on the east coast, the rest of my family on the west, and I'd go visit them twice a year because my older sister would be there, my parents were manageable with her being there. I've always been very uncomfortable there, like an out of place guest at their home. Anyhow, I've noticed over the last couple of years it's like he's reverting back again. And now I live on the west coast and see them more, though I still keep the phone calls minimal, but it's just hard to put up with. Like the other night he went off in our text messaging group thing getting spurred up by politics (none of us like to talk anything political with him) and ended up just saying how stupid we were and you know back to the demeaning manner he used to have. He says he doesn't care about any of us is constantly picking fights with my sister who does talk to them regularly. He's definitely had it out with me but not as much since I avoid them. I think if it were just him I'd probably just turn my back and be done, but my mom's still there and I can't do that to her. She's taken a lifetime of abuse and though we've told her she can leave, I don't feel like she actually thinks she can. She says she can, makes excuses, says she's threatened to but I don't think she actually feels like she can. I can't cut her off completely, but then it's a package deal so it really just sucks. He definitely triggers me more and lately I've started to remember more things that have happened that just make it worse, so I'm not sure how to deal with that situation either.

And that was a long rant. Sorry about that.

[Fleur]

Hello Victoria

Happy to read your rant, hoping you feel different in a positive way for sharing

Sorry your insurance doesn't cover mental health issues
Any way you can change companies to have that peace of mind for the future?

Great idea for noticing and writing the changes to see if there is any pattern

Family dynamics can alter over time
Think you're very sensible to limit contact with your Dad
Understand this might impact your mother as well
I used to see my mother at other venues such as meeting in an art gallery or at a cafe
Cannot do so now as she has Alzheimer's and my sister drives her

I have used for a number of years a regime of herbal preparations, rather more expensive than the Dr prescriptions
Doesn't have any noticeable side effects
Doesn't make me happy, just stops the really deep lows - I still feel sad, etc, but can more easily get myself back to feeling more or less OK
If you wanted to explore options, perhaps a visit to a naturopath or herbalist could be useful

Get what you say about your husband
I don't want to upset other people,especially when they are helpful
Do you have anyone with whom you could share even if only a little?
Sometimes I find sitting with a friend chatting about anything apart from myself can relieve inner tension

Wishing you very well in all respects

[recover]

hi victoria,
just reading and offering support to you.
recover

[victoria]

Hey Fleur and Recover,

thank you for your support, and I did feel a bit better about getting it off my chest. I think everything just goes in circles in my head since I can't really talk to people about it, so it was good to write it down and see it all laid out. You always have great input Fleur, and I enjoy reading your words.

I am going to have to change insurance companies soon as they're no longer offering the plan I have at the price I have as a lot of insurances are pulling out of Obamacare this coming year, but I imagine I'll end up having to go to something even worse. My husband's job could actually cover me but it's pretty astronomical in price so we've always just bought my insurance separate, plus it's not the greatest coverage either. His company used to have great benefits but they changed it some years ago.

That's also a great suggestion about the herbal remedies as I'm not one who generally likes to jump to prescriptions for most things as everything does tend to have so many side effects, I'll definitely have to look into that. I think if I could just stay out of the deep lows, as you said, I'd be okay. It when things get so low that I start wondering 'what's the point?' that it gets worrisome.

My support system has dwindled over the years as some friends have gone. My sisters definitely know how my father is and had similar experiences, but one has extreme anxiety so I wouldn't want to bring it up with her in fear that it'd bring on an attack as we've all three talked before and it definitely unsettled her. My other sister, I had stayed closer to but I'm also hesitant in talking a lot with her, she has anxiety but not to the same degree, but she's also kind of like my husband where she takes it as a personal failure. Both sisters are much older than me, we moved states when I was around 12, so it was just my little brother and I, but he's the golden child so even though we were together we had very different experiences. I was informed that we were the mistakes in trying to have their boy. When we moved she was in college, so she stayed but she's told me she felt like she abandoned me as I was the only one left to take on the brunt of my father's anger. He also tried to make it worse in saying that she didn't care about us, that she just wanted to stay with friends, party, etc. He told a lot of lies to try and make us resent her and to make her feel bad when it was quite the opposite, she worked multiple jobs and put herself through school full time. I've told her I don't blame her, that I never held her responsible or thought anything was her fault but she still feels guilty. So I'll say more vague things to her because sometimes she does ask about things that happened after she was away from the family, but I also don't want to tell her much of anything because I know anything I say that hurt me, she'll take it upon herself even though she shouldn't. I don't want to cause people pain, guilt, or anything else, I told myself I wouldn't do these things because then I'd be just as bad as him. I am glad I found this community though, I know I don't always say much, but I listen a lot and just understanding the strife of others and seeing their persistence at perseverance over it all, it brings a level of comfort.

[Fleur]

Hello Victoria

Appreciate your sharing

Get that reading what others say can be helpful

With swirling thoughts, have you tried imagining the thought river?

The basic idea is that we watch thoughts pass as if they were leaves on a stream, just going past
You can add more detail if you choose
For example, sometimes my thoughts tumble down a waterfall, then mull around in a whirl pool, before I can put them on leaves to disappear into ocean

May you discover what imagery or other way is useful for you

Insurance can be problematic here too
Some plans cover 365 days a year hospitalisation regardless of diagnosis
Others limit the time for certain conditions or won't cover chronic illness/disorders
May you soon find an affordable alternative to best suit your circumstances

Much caring

[Xanthia]

Hi Victoria,

By now you might have hopefully sorted some bits of the "mess".

Wishing you a very happy birthday. May you celebrate the start of your personal new year.

Sent with whatever is necessary for your healing journey.

Warm regards,

[earthhorse]

Hi Victoria,

Just wanted to chime in with my support.

I think you are completely on the ball with your attitude towards medication and your acceptance of your cycle of up and downs. There are a lot of ways to treat this without medication and perhaps one of the most powerful is what you are doing now realizing and accepting what happened to you. And taking the time to shift the grief when there is an opportunity.

We all need support to do this and you deserve support. But this support can just be what works and what you find when you need it. Just remember its not a natural sate of being to be and feel supported when one comes from a hostile background. Its always a bit of a conscious effort to build it up. Like you are doing here.

I think in face of the cuts to health care and mental health services across the globe we all need to think about how to come together to make sure we can keep giving each other the opportunity to heal, find safe harbor and thrive. It can be an opportunity too to end stigma, free of ourselves of a system that marginalizes people instead of gives them a voice, and start a real discussion on whats wrong.

Its really sad when family is toxic, here's this primal urge to maintain the closeness, and then the contradiction of the reality that it makes us sick when we are close. Its so strong hat you recognize all that you do. And very wise to be maintaining your boundaries.

Dreaming dreams, needing something trying to put a finger on it that brings about the door to new opportunity...

Wishing you all the best in everything.
EH

[victoria]

I just wanted to check in to say thank you to you all, for your warm wishes and comfort Fleur, Xanthia, Recover, and Earthhorse. I know this was a while ago and I've come back a few times and saw your kind messages but couldn't quite bring myself to respond. It was comforting to see the support but at the same time, for whatever reason, I just feel like I can't talk or it'll all just come tumbling down. I've been writing down my thoughts and memories as I have a hard time remembering and it's been a while since I've gotten super low so I'm trying to keep that up. I hope you're all doing well and I'll keep you all in my thoughts.

[Xanthia]

Hi victoria,

Thank you for posting. Lovely to know how you are doing now.

Warm regards,