feeling stuck with my fear of abandonment

[sharlott]

Dear all,

I am struggling to move anywhere in my love life. Namely, I have been together with my boyfriend for more than four years and during the last year have several times talked about breaking up. It has not been a particularly good relationship, but has thaught us both a lot. I have also been to therapy throughout the relationship.

I want to have kids and start a family. This has always been the case, but my boyfriend keeps putting it off, by saying that the relationship is not good enough. He is right, there are still several problems and especially lately, the trust seems to be vanishing. I find it especially difficult to maintain trust in me since he puts constantly off starting the family, by saying that the relationship is not good enough. To me it sounds like still after four years of being together with me he cannot make a decision if he wants to be with me or not. I frankly do not know if I should put any energy to this relationship or not.

Now a little bit about one of the crucial things that comes out in the relationship as well as me thinking of moving on. I am so afraid of being left alone. Forever. This has always been the case, I have always imagined myself alone. This has a lot to do with my parents. My mother left me with my grandparents on several occasions while living herself in the other country or town. She also on a regular basis threathened to abandon me if I did not comply to her wishes. She also threw me out of our home on several occasions telling me never to come back. In addition she hardly ever answered her phone, showed interest to my feeling or problems etc. So she was neglicent and used abandonment for controlling. My father on the other hand refused to own me (he insisted that I was not his child) and also kept coming in and out of my life by showing up at random times and disappearing for years after that. It was impossible to achieve contact with him in the meanwhile, he would just ignore my letters. So naturally I have a huge abandonment fear. This abandonment fear stops me both from investing to the relationship and from moving on.

This abandonment fear is stopping me from making any decisions about my relationship. I am imagining both, being left by my boyfriend after several years from now, still not having kids or leaving now and not finding anyone. I am just so afraid. I am working slowly with my feelings of unwantedness and my abandonment fear in therapy but it all takes for ages, because well, the first experiences are from when I was a baby and my mother left me alone for hours (she went to the store, to work you name it). I have no idea what to do in the meanwhile to control my state of mind and how to make decisions about my life.

Does anyone have any advice. Even if you do not have advice, I thank you for reading through this rather lengthy story!

[Fleur]

Hello Sharlott

Hearing you on the various levels you raise

I think in your heart of hearts you really do know what is best for you

Bringing a child into the world is a huge commitment for the next 18+ years
Until middle teen years, it is a full time job, 24/7, with few opportunities for respite
Parenting ideally is 2 parents with support from extended family

From what you share, your boyfriend does not want to be a Dad
Maybe he is not the right person to father your baby?

Seems to me your abandonment issues require addressing on as many levels as possible
Perhaps you need some space to experience solo time, maybe you need a temporary break, I don't know
Only you can respond with what fits/seems best at this time

Having been in an unhappy marriage, in retrospect, I was happier being single
Although I do appreciate our son

You have a T and I know it can appear to take forever to get something done and dusted
You've identified source of your fear stemming from childhood neglect
You've no doubt explored the emotional and intellectual impact that has made on your life

I'm uncertain whether you are in the same accommodation as your boyfriend or if you live separately
What changes would you like to make if any?
Would, for example, sharing with a female to split the expenses be an option if you are together?

Understand the fear of being on your own, not having children
What if - hoping not - but what if that occurred, what can you see yourself doing with your life?
Sometimes, we cannot have a child, or not as many as planned
Would you foster or adopt children, throw yourself into a career, what might the next 5 to 10 years be like for you?
Perhaps you might like to brainstorm with your T
Or quietly alone
Consider as many options as you can
With/without this current boyfriend, solo, with someone else
Feel like travelling or doing something exotic?
Let yourself dream, have some fun

Hoping this might help

May you enjoy special moments every day

Much caring

[Jonesy]

Hi sharlott

Fleur has answered you so well and no doubt given you much to think on. Sometimes it seems like decisions are impossible, especially these huge ones, but we just need to give ourselves time to absorb and process the way forwards.

[sharlott]

Dear Fleur,

Thanks for your very very through answer. I feel like the last four years I have totally forgotten the meaning of fun. I have dedicated myself to work, therapy and fixing my relationship (my boyfriend has ADHD so it has been a lot of work). Several people close to me have suggested me long time ago to break up. I guess the reasons why I have not is partially because of my abandonment fear, partially because I know that my boyfriend loves me and to me it is a big thing and partially because my boyfriend has actually been the first person in my life to offer me this kind of emotional support.

This being said, I feel that I am getting increasingly exhausted. I cannot handle the moodswings of my boyfriend very well and I cannot handle the instability. I feel that I need to get myself together, but instead I seem to just procrastinate everything. Procrastinating all decisions about my life. Thinking that all relationships need hard work. thinking that I just need to work harder with my relationship and then he will see that it is a good relationship. However, I often times catch myself thinking that it should not be so difficult. ALl my friends have somehow managed to land with a guy who agreed to have a child together. It should not be such a huge struggle is what I feel currently. However, since I only have negative experiences from the recent past (ex also did not want to move in together and kept postponing the progress in the relationship) I really do not know anymore what to expect. Am I somehow choosing these men, are they getting discouraged by actually being in a relationship with me, am I giving up too easily? I really feel lost. The bigger problem is currently that I have started to think that all men are like this. That it really is my job to convince them to marry me, move in with me, be with me etc. So I am catching myself from thinking- well, at least my current boyfriend is there, still after all these years. At least he has not left me. At least he loves me. Who knows how bad it can get in the future.


Thanks!
sharlott

[honeybera]

Wow...Sharlott! That's a lot of hurt you have there!

To use abandonment as a weapon on a child is tragic and as unacceptable as it comes! And if you are choosing your mate using that sad issue of abandonment as a yardstick, I can understand that issue presenting itself to you, and it makes sense when seeing your background picture...but I would advise you to continue with your T.

One other question: why is it that you wish to have a child, a baby? Have you thought about it? Not just "having a baby" with the elusive and painfully non-committal boyfriend, but possibly taking on the role of single parent? Babies do not give a damn about how tired you are or how you are feeling. They only know how to be naturally needy (after all, they are babies)...and they rarely appreciate even your best efforts. "Hey, Ma! Thanks for the bottle and diaper change!!" As Dr. Phil says: "A baby should not have a job when it's born." And he's right. Babies need support from you, not the other way around.

I am the mother of three grown children who were raised by a single parent, ME, with no help from my family, so I know what I'm talking about. Each child is 10 yrs. apart in age from the others, and each has a different father, leaving me for 40 yrs. (1967-2006) with an infant, a teenager, and anything in between for all those years as a single parent. And believe me, I had some major trust issues. Babies don't fix trust issues OR relationships. And it's your job to fix your own issues and make sure that they don't have any, either. HUGE job!! So honestly, it's much easier to see your T and work out your own issues prior to considering bringing a baby into an unstable relationship with a guy who isn't committed to you or your plans for a family.

And if it doesn't work out with this guy, another one will come along when you least expect it. I have been single most of my life (married once in my teens and then once in my early 20s - I'll be 70 soon), but I haven't been alone all that time. (Hence, the younger kids.) Trust me, if you leave this one, another will come. It's the way of the world. With my youngest one's father, I used to cry as I drove my transit bus with passengers (at nearly $20/hr.), tears streaming down my face, wondering how I'd live without him! I see it as honestly funny now, but back then, oh my!! I thought my heart would break in a million pieces. But when he beat and bruised my then 2 yr. old son for "not getting dressed", I left him cold and never looked back, and now I can see that my life has been better off without him. And so is my son's.

So buck up and have faith. I know that's SO hard to do when you are trying your best to heal. You have all of us, and if you are to leave your fellow or be left behind by him, you'll be ok. You ARE ok!! How are you with self help books? There are some good ones by Pete Walker and by John Bradshaw that I'm currently reading (on Amazon or your local library). John Bradshaw is on YouTube videos and that's free. He's speaking about reparenting, and I'm finding that very empowering. I'm trying to strengthen my Inner Child, the one that was abused and left weakened. You see, you already have a child. And she's been horribly abused and frightened. Is it possible to begin with that child first? She needs comfort and lots of love, too. It's very healing...

Lots of caring sent your way,
Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Sharlott

Sending positive vibes your way

May you enjoy your Sunday

Much caring

[sharlott]

Hi Honeybra,

Thanks for such a good answer and sharing with me your life experience. I will shortly comment on some issues rised. So, I guess my wish for a child is deeply connected with my wish for family that I never had. This might be disfunctional to a degree, but the other reason why I want a child is connected to me not wanting to live only for myself. I am not interested in still dedicating my life in my forthies to myself, I want to give something to someone else. So I feel that the other reason could be something which can make for a good reason to start a family. When I think about my life in general, I am becoming less and less concerned or interested in my career (for the record I am doing something I like and am quite good in it). However, as the years go by, it seems to matter less and less compared to my wish to rise children.

In terms of letting go of my boyfriend, I have discovered another layer of difficulties. I have problem letting go of people. I have lost so much in my life, that I have established a belief over the years that everybody leaves me in the end (or have to let go). So the mere thought of also having to let him go hurts as hell. In addition, as mentioned, he understands me and he has been there for me throughout my whole therapy. I have not gotten that amount of love and emotional support from any other person in my life. So letting him go seems like a very painful thing to do.

I will for sure continue with my therapy and have also decided to start with anti-depressants. Maybe these will help me to make som decisions about my life. However, I also wonder, how come I am still struggling with such huge issues after four years of therapy. It seems like by this point I should have overcome these already.

Thanks for both for support!

[Fleur]

Hello Sharlott

Understandably, you'd expect after 4 years of therapy to have seen progress
I liken it to dressmaking - a whole lot of preparation occurs before the final stitching
Also, healing is a journey, not in a straight line, ticking off boxes - how I wish it were!

You share deep valuable insights, wonder if that's as a result of all your hard work with your T?

May you enjoy a lovely day

[SweetestGirl]

Wishing you the best of luck. I'm so touched by all of the caring support here. I don't have any solutions right now for you. I'm sorry.

SweetestGirl