Making sense of it all

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Ennelia
Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Sep 24, 2016 2:11 pm

Making sense of it all

Post by Ennelia »

Hi everyone.

I am brand new to this site but I am so glad that I have found it and I really wish that something like this existed when I was younger and had no one to turn to. Perhaps I wouldn't be so damaged now if someone had been able to help me.

I am 37 years old and I have 1 daughter who is my whole world. I have never been married or had a successful relationship, whilst I don't blame my earlier experiences I don't think it has helped.

I find it very hard to open up to others who are close to me especially and up until recently crying was something I did a couple of times a year at the most. For the biggest part of my life I have felt like I am just going through the motions and have no idea how to make a happy future for myself.

My father was both mentally and physically abusive to me and my sister. As for SA, this is more complicated and I am still working out exactly whether what I experienced constitutes abuse. I was always absolutely terrified of my father who was completely unpredictable and cruel, I was so scared that just being shouted at by him would cause my bladder to fail. As a child I rationalised that he just lost his temper a lot but as I have got older I have realised that it was more complicated than that. He wanted to control us and he used fear to do that. As an adult I no longer have any contact with him, this is easy to do because he's so scared of rejection and losing face that he won't attempt a reconciliation. To others he was always charm personified and that has made it hard for those I have known for years to believe that anything untoward was going on. I have support from my friends and other family members but for the most part I genuinely don't believe that they understand the extent of the abuse or the massive effect it has had on my life and personality.

During childhood my mother was always there for me and my sister and she mostly did what she could to protect us but at the moment I am finding it hard to understand how she could have allowed this to happen to us. I feel that I would literally die to protect my daughter from anything remotely similar. Thankfully my parents split up when I was in a my twenties so at least I can have a relationship with her.

At the moment it just feels like I am going round in circles coming to terms with this, I naively thought that once he was out of my life that things would instantly get better but that hasn't been the case. What makes me the most angry is that he has got away with this without having to admit what he did. As far as I know he is now re-married and most of the friends that my parents had when they were married have sided with him, believing that me and my sister are petty and neurotic.

I suppose I'm not really looking for answers but it would be nice to know that others understand what I mean.

Thanks

E
Last edited by PeacefulNinja on Thu Oct 06, 2016 11:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Making sense of it all

Post by Fleur »

Hello Ennelia

Parts of your story about your dad I could written
Feel very sorry you and your sister had these experiences

"Street angel, home devil" is how some people refer to someone who seems wonderful outside the family
Yet unpleasant to put it mildly behind closed doors

Yes, control can be a factor

Glad you have the opportunity to contact your mother without fear of encountering your dad

Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
victoria
Member
Posts: 24
Joined: Fri May 22, 2015 4:26 am

Re: Making sense of it all

Post by victoria »

Ennelia,

Reading your story, I feel like we shared a childhood. I moved out I think when I was 18 and starting college and thought, well now it all gets better, right? Sadly, it just doesn't turn out that way it seems. Things like this do make relationships hard it makes opening up to people even harder. It is difficult for a person to understand something that they haven't experienced and probably most friends share our initial thought that once you get away from the abuse, it should all be okay thereafter, so they don't really understand why it still affects us. I think it's one of those things that you have to come to terms with that your significant other or a friend may never truly "get" it, but nonetheless they should still be supportive of you and your healing. This is how it is with my husband and it does make it difficult when there are days where things are really getting to me and I just want to talk to him about it, but can't... but this is why places like this are nice. It's a whole place full of people that understand and can relate on some level, it makes (at least me) not feel so alone dealing with the past and how it affects my present. I hope you can find some comfort here.

Victoria
Maybe if everything was beautiful, nothing would be.
recover
Member
Posts: 16283
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:50 pm

Re: Making sense of it all

Post by recover »

hi ennelia,
just want to say hi and that i am reading and sending caring and support.
so sorry for all you have been through.
hope you find support and comfort here. i always do.
with caring,
recover
Ennelia
Member
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Sep 24, 2016 2:11 pm

Re: Making sense of it all

Post by Ennelia »

Hi all

Thanks to all those who took the time to read and respond to my story. Knowing that there are others who understand is a great comfort. Sometimes I feel like the loneliest person in the world because I know that most people don't "get" what I am still struggling with.

Sending positive thoughts to all of you.

E
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Making sense of it all

Post by Fleur »

Hello Ennelia

Agree with you about finding people here who understand, as well as meeting people 3D who just don't get it
There are a few, which gives me pleasant surprise whenever I encounter someone who is interested and attempts to comprehend

Hopefully being here reduces your sense of isolation


May you enjoy a peaceful day
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Making sense of it all

Post by Fleur »

Hello Ennelia

Thinking of you today

Sending positive vibes

Cheers
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
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