My younger brother

[mrbluesky]

I'm currently thinking about what kind of relationships I should have with my family of origin in the future.

I don't have any positive feelings for my mother or father anymore because they abused me both. They also deny and minimize everything. They are still highly critical, if not emotionally abusive.

I have an older brother who is married and has a daughter. I don't have any positive feelings for him, either. He is really arrogant and narcissistic. I don't care about his wife, either. She is moody and arrogant, too.

The only person from my family of origin that I really like/love is my younger brother. We were very close from the day he was born. I would say he is the only person in my family who ever loved me. I have told him over the phone that my psychiatrist had diagnosed me with trauma resulting from my parents having abused me. We haven't talked about that since then, though. My younger brother also has a really nice long-term girlfriend.

The problem is that he is my mother's favorite child, and my younger brother likes her, too. My father likes him very much, too, and in the past has done lots of travelling just with my younger brother. So my younger brother likes my father a lot, too.

It seems like my parents want me to behave like I always did. But I cannot do that anymore. After realizing how much their actions and crimes hurt my life there is no love left. I cannot force myself to buy some expensive flowers for my mom on Mother's Day when she didn't protect me from my violent father and made me the family scapegoat. I cannot force myself to buy my violent father some expensive whisky. I think I would have a hard time just calling them and "wishing them all the best" when what they did to me cerainly wasn't the best for me.

I fear that if I stop talking to my parents my younger brother won't like it. It would mean that his girlfriend might learn the truth (that I was abused my my parents) about the family, and maybe then she wouldn't like her boyfriend's family anymore. And I think my younger brother wouldn't like that. And then he might be mad at me...


So I don't know what to do. But I cannot force myself to love my parents.

What would you do in this situation? Any ideas?

[Shakti]

Dear mrbluesky,

I hope you are well. This is a difficult situation. What if you minimize contact with your parents? Don't buy them any gifts, or spend too much time and energy in your relationship with them. Perhaps you can try explaining a little to your brother, about how you feel about them and why you can't pretend to care for them. About how you would be hurting your integrity by doing so.

What would you do in this situation? Any ideas?

Personally, I would try to put myself first. Yet this is easier said than done. Especially because not everyone has support to fall back on, once they turn away from their family.

Please take time to think and reflect on this grave decision. I hope that you can tune in to the inner wisdom of your heart that can tell you what to do.

Much warmth, support and care,

Shakti

[mrbluesky]

Thank you for your thoughts and ideas, Shakti!

[Fleur]

Hello Mrbluesky

Family dynamics can be very awkward, can't they?
I find myself being very superficial around FOO

Wondering if your niece is of an age where you would be welcome to visit and take her out to a playground or some other public space?
With her parents' approval, naturally

Being with your younger brother and staying on "safe" topics could be an option

It's great that you are thinking things through, envisaging potential consequences of your behaviour
My gifts to parents are low cost tokens of my awareness that they are my parents
Strangely , my brother often forgets their birthday, etc and usually sends a card for Christmas
To be fair , he tends to make a long distance phone call, even if weeks after events
My brother is the one who seems closest to both parents.... Go figure!


Agree with Shakti, you have to be comfortable within yourself

We don't know what our future holds, so can only act today as an influence on tomorrow

May you have wisdom to know and energy/strength to enact, whatever is truly best for you

[mrbluesky]

Thanks!