My Development

[ringonoka]

Hi recover, Fleur and Shakti,

Thank you for writing to me. I am very grateful for the fact that there are some people who care about me, which, to a girl who had nobody to take care of her, is just a miracle.



My mother, who thought that nobody in the house loved her, didn't like the fact that her daughter attracted many people's attention, so bullied her, neglected her, made people neglect her, and made this girl an unlovable girl. She did everything she could to destroy her personality and future.

Once, as an adult, I said to her on the phone that a psychiatrist diagnosed me schizophrenia, and her reaction was,

"I am lucky that I am not the mother of a murderer."



This has exactly the same root as her routine reactions like, when I said, I am .......( I wanted just kind words, sympathetic words, just an agreement ), she always said something contradictory, "Your sister is more.... that person is more....".
Never doe she take my side.


I have met a lot of people like her in my life. Maybe, somehow I made them behave like my mother. I had nobody on my side. or I just don't know how to make friends who are on my side.

I cannot ask help. I don't know how to ask help, ask to be kind to me.



I wonder why, why the mother did not want to be kind to me. I met so too many women like her. Does it have anything to do with me? with something in me? I want to know.

In the hospital, in the therapist's, on the helpline, many said to me, "You are OK, you can do all right, you are...." and left me without giving me help. I can explain my problem very well, I can manage to live alone, I can do many things perhaps better than the average, but this does not prove that I do not need the love that a girl needs.

I am abandoned. I need help. But I cannot ask. I am afraid to be rejected again. I cannot trust people. Everybody has his or her own family or friends, I am alone, you never believe, I am in the true sense of the word, alone. Can you imagine a person spends the Christmas all alone, without phone calls, without emails, without voices, without any hint or scent of fellow human beings around....? I am too afraid. I may believe firmly, at the bottom, that nobody loves me, nobody will love me. Because of something in me. Everybody hates me...., which is the legacy from my mother.





I just want a little kindness, not a big thing like love.

I would appreciate it if the moderators, the administrators, or the director would comment. If not, it is OK.

[Fleur]

Dear Ringonoka

You , like me, like all people, are the product of family dynamics
We, you and me, have chosen to challenge the moulding , we seek to change
And, as many people would admit, we want acceptance of who we are, a little respect, kindness
And we want , deep down, to be loved as we are , right now
Apologies if I've got it wrong for you - just that you write much of what I also feel
So, please ignore the wrong parts

For me, I have filled some of the need, the gap, by appreciating my cat
Soxy walked into my life a few years ago
Sometimes, he is a nuisance
Mostly, he's a good companion

Sure, Soxy is not human and cannot converse
But neither does he yell for no real reason

May you find helpful hints by reading posts on this site, from the Web in general
I'm sorry that helplines haven't met your needs, desires

Safe caring hugs

[ringonoka]

Hi Fleur,

Thank you.
I don't think I thank you enough or well. I've never had a person who keeps caring me. It is quite unusual for me, so I don't know what to do. I think, I am not accepting your kindness in a proper way. Forgive me, but such is the extent of the neglect that I just cannot believe that I can be loved.


I think I am an able person. The mother made the most of it to feel happy herself at any cost. At the very early age or even month I learned that if I didn't cry, scream, get angry, or show any sigh of emotions, the mother was calm, wouldn't hurt me, even become happy. I had to make her happy. Otherwise she abandoned me, ignored me.

As a smart girl, I learned it quickly and started to do it. Even now, I cannot show my emotions, especially sorrow and anger. I must be strong, must be able to manage all, all by myself, so as not to bother the mother. I had to protect her. I am still a slave of this impossible belief.


I think, the key to get rid of this will be as simple as being myself, stick to my emotions, always, at any time. That will be the only way.


I learned what to do to cover up my sufferings, pains, bad feelings, and to keep smiling. So, in any hospital, on any help line, with any kind friend, I was left alone, with the words which are otherwise appreciated, You are OK, You can do it alone, You are profound, you are intelligent, you are brave, you are superwoman...................... for me these words are no more than the excuse for not wanting to be with me.


What did I do? for this sufferings? for this unworthy life? for this unbearable moment of the lifetime?

My ability was exploited and used, manipulated by the mother, to destroy my life. My ability was all in vain. My potentials. Dead potentials. At 50, what could I do? I need one more life.



For the first time in a while, I am crying, writing. My emotions, here. My emotions, are here.

[Fleur]

Dear Ringonoka

I think you thank people here plenty

When I gave myself permission to feel strong emotions, I made a big mistake in publicly sharing what I really felt
Please be careful
Are you attending 12 step meetings?
If so, ask for some guidance from people who probably have similar experience of showing world perfection at all times

There are websites devoted to strong emotional responses, behaviours
Might be useful information

You are strong, intelligent, very caring and capable
However, when we don't know something, we need help
Understand that asking for help is hard, and also appreciate that you haven't received the assistance required, desired, that you need

Have you considered joining a group who share something with you?
Not necessarily related to emotions, but just to join people who enjoy being together
A craft or learning group, or book reading or whatever feels safe that you'd like to try

That could ease you into being with people, without too much focus or expectations upon you

Sent with sunshine to brighten your day

[Jonesy]

Hi ringonoka

I see you are looking for input from moderators, admin or me. I am sorry if we have left you feeling unsupported.

I am not too familiar with your thread but see from your last few posts that you long for love and acceptance. Perfectly reasonable, sadly not uncommon. Love what Fleur suggests about joining a group (although I know that can be scary). Pets are another great idea, if you don't already have one.

Please know you are valued here and keep letting your fingers talk. Tears are good.

[ringonoka]

Hi Fleur and Jonesy,

Thank you for the reply.


Here, I have experienced what I had never experienced. Talking honestly with people. Sincerely.
But, as always, I couldn't help fight for responses, which was and still sometimes is my symptom from my family wounds.
I'd better quit.
I wanted some response to my question, am I responsible to any extent for not getting replies? Do I or my writings here make you people put off? Do have any element that makes people hate me? Have you ever sensed it when reading my writings? Maybe my English is not good or right enough to convey what I want to write.
But I seem too demanding. I quit fighting. And, I feel that it is the time to go forward, one step further.

Fleur, thank you for your generous heart. I felt it so very much. You were with me when I felt most in need of love. I wish you the very best.

recover, you too, were often with me, your heart, your words, your soul. Your courage encourages me a lot.

Xantia, I appreciated your replies. If only I could talk with you more. Thank you very much.

Sequioa, you pointed out my problems and what I should do so correctly. You are certainly one of those who helped me in my healing process. I thank you so much.

Shakti, my dear, I want to keep writing to you. I think you can write to my email address. I wish I could hear from you some day again.

And finally Jonesy, I was amazed by this world of the collective kindness of people. I thank you all for the great job you do each day, and for your dedication. I was happy here, perhaps much happier than in the real world.

Thank you all and good luck for you all in your journey.

[Harmony]

Dear ringonoka,

I have some possible answers to the questions you have asked and felt went unanswered.
1, As to whether you repel or keep people away:
No there is likely nothing bad or wrong with you. That feeling of being bad, contaminated, not liked or the one with the problem is a very common among people abused as children. It isn't true.

2.As to why you don't have more responses:
Keep your posts short and to the point on the forum. Your English seems excellent. Some times less detail is more powerful. You suggest you are maybe expecting a lot of people? Ask yourself how much do I share and support others in return?

Finally, a suggestion for help with your issues of feeling like there is something really wrong with you or keeping people away. Try looking at talk therapy or DBT. Many of us have found these to be helpful strategies. Isurvive is support not a cure or treatment for abuse. All of the answers, treatments or 'cures' require personal change. Be open to changing yourself. This is not easy.

with all respect and support,
Harmony

[Xanthia]

Hi Ringonoka,

I appreciate reading your posts, whether on your thread or as responses to others.
As a Moderator, my task is to be as unobtrusive as possible as I assist to keep this site safe for all who are here.

Each person who is part of iSurvive is here voluntarily, including all background staff - Directors, Technical helpers, Jonesy, and Moderators as well as Members.

If you look at membership list, there are people who choose to never write, some who participate very little, those who share a lot.
There's no pressure or expectations around our being part of this site, beyond the guidelines designed for the safety of everyone.

Thank you for all your contributions as an active member of iSurvive.

Yours sincerely,

[Fleur]

Dear Ringonoka

I've just re-read some of your earlier posts

I want to share that I also have spent significant dates, such as Christmas, alone without hearing from anyone
It felt extremely isolating , so very much alone

You ask about whether you write English well enough
My response is that there are seldom any errors or typos in your writing
You express yourself beautifully, with perfectly correct word usage

I hope that you and Shakti enjoy a special friendship if you choose to correspond privately
That can be arranged via Jonesy, if Shakti agrees to your request

Naturally, whatever you decide is your free choice
I'm hoping that you'll choose to share here from time to time, as updates on your life
No pressure, simply saying my feelings, Ringonoka

Thank you for your friendship
May you make healthy decisions to brighten your future

Caring hugs

[Jonesy]

Hi again ringonoka

I wonder if I am correct in hearing that your expectations of others is what you cannot resolve within yourself.
If so, then you have uncovered a huge area to work on and I commend you for saying it out loud. If not, please disregard.

You said you felt happy here, so please think about that and the support/ comfort/ understanding it brought.
It is true that facing our fears is much harder than running from them. However, when the time comes to move on it is indeed a courageous step.

I sure hope you return at least once to read all these replies