My Development

[ajei]

Hi ringonoka,

your very presence here is useful for us all...we are stronger together.

ajei

[ringonoka]

Hello ajei,

It will be difficult for people in general to understand, or even imagine that there are some people who has never been able to be alive in their own skin. Dissociation, if I am not wrong in using the word. Now I can see that I've never felt myself, much less other people, their kindness, company.... Only a few days ago was I able to feel for the first time, "It feels good talking to a person." I am very, very, very, very sad, when I think of my life of 50 years as the time of perfect isolation, struggle, no sense of self, only wondering, wounded... nobody helped me, I could not ask help, just the time was passing by...


I still don't know how to connect to people. I am sorry, it is still very bewildering where to stay in the crowd. My sense of belonging is not out of order.

Thanks anyway, ajei, for your attention.
ringonoka

[ringonoka]

Hello,

I feel the need inside to ventilate in words my thoughts and feelings. I have nowhere to do it, nor nobody to do it with. How sad, but it's the reality. The sense of belonging is missing in me. I do not ask you to "respond me" any longer. I am sorry. I didn't ask, I couldn't, and yet, I was expecting response. How helplessly timid I am. Just allow me to write here. I appreciate it.


I am glad, with the help of the book by Pete Walker, that I am recovering, little by little, my innate compassion for myself. As a little girl, I had nobody to turn to when I was sad, hurt, worried, scared, even happy. Nobody to share my feelings and thoughts. I couldn't develop my language skills verbally. I was writing in my room, writing something, which was the only option left to me. I thought this was the life to live. I didn't doubt it a bit. I consumed, accepted, endured, maybe much more than normal. I am very sensitive and deep. My depth was great enough to consume my parents sadness, madness, brutality, any kinds of psychological problems.... I thought this was the life and I thought I could go with it. I was confident. I was so innocent and naive.

But, when I fist stayed overnight in a different home, which was when I was 27, in England, I found that something was wrong with me, because many things I did were not welcomed by the family. Since then, wherever I went, I got puzzled and confused. Something was wrong, but what was wrong? At one night, I lost my apartment key in Tokyo and tried to spend time until dawn on the street, hidden. I couldn't think of staying in a hotel. I didn't have any friend to call. This is my life. What I learned in my childhood was just to stay there, no matter how bad it was, without trying to ask for help. I wasn't live with anybody in this planet.

Still now. It is so crucial not to be able to feel other people's existence in myself. But, this is my life.


Hope all of you are having a good, very good time with your loved ones, for me.

[recover]

hi ringonoka,
i am sorry for all of your pain, truly sorry. you have suffered terribly.
i know it is hard if people don't respond here. very. sometimes it is quiet here and that is hard.
i hear you.
please take gentle care,
recover

[ringonoka]

Hi dear recover,

Thanks for your kind words. You are warm.

I am very glad to have this site to write down my thoughts and feelings. I don't visit the others' threads, and I am sorry for it. But I am not, at the moment, capable of doing that. So, it's OK if I don't get responses. I am grateful to be accepted here.

I don't know much about your current situations but I hope you are doing well and believe in yourself in hard times, recover.

Good night,
ringo

[ringonoka]

Sorry, everybody, I use this site only to write my thoughts. It's OK that nobody doesn't read nor respond. I am terribly sorry.


Pete Walker writes:

"When we share what is emotionally important to us, we learn to connect with others in a meaningful and healing way."


I remember about my only sister, two years younger. I haven't met her for some 10 years. We don't communicate neither by phone or by email. I've heard she got divorced, was raising her two sons. When we were little, we played together, but I never felt connected with her, just as with any other family members. She is like the mother, doesn't like me, hates me, criticizes me, blames me, ignores me...I know she is imitating the mother perhaps unconsciously. The mother didn't want her to be on my side, just like the father not to either. The mother targeted me, and she succeeded in every sense. She ruined the elderly daughter of the house, which means destroyed the house succession. She succeeded in her revenge. She won.

Now, I think it's OK. I rather want to admit my defeat. She did what she wanted. It's done. It's OK. I don't fight. I am a loser. It's OK.

So, what to do to begin with?

I need to practice how to communicate with people verbally. I get nervous when I am facing a person for a free talk. I cannot make a move, even for the need to go to toilet. I cannot say it. I get fixed at the place and moment. The other is looking at me, which is enough to freeze me. Why? What do I fear?

I remember the mother was in the kitchen with her back toward me, but she was "watching" me with all her senses. I couldn't show any emotions or feelings because of this. If I had done it, she would have either got angry, cried out, or bitterly ignored me. I had to abandone my feelings for her's sake and behave as if nothing happened. I practiced it 24/7/365, and mastered it. Now I can behave what the mother wants me to. But at the same I can feel pain.


haa, what a life, what a world, what human psychology....



I must connect to my emotions first, and must practice "the emotionally based communication". I think I'll master it some day.

Ok, now, the grief work. The past memories with my sister and the mother have brought me a good deal of tears. I don't have a childhood. I only have the imprisonment of my soul for half a century......it looks ridiculous but true. A true story.


Hope that any survivor will get help as early as possible and have time to thrive in your life. A little, pretty rose for you.

[recover]

hi ringonoka,
i hear you, i hear your suffering over your life.
glad you are working on healing, i know how hard this is.
here with support,
recover

[ringonoka]

Hi recover,

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your kind heart. I sincerely appreciate it.

I hope, you and all the other members of this site will have each day of their journey with peace and love. I sincerely hope so.

With best regards,
ringo

[recover]

and the same to you ringonoka.
recover xo

[ringonoka]

Hi,

I became a member of this site in October in 2015. All started then.

I had been alone, both outside and inside, didn't think that I have the right to ask help of people around me. I was only afraid of everything. Fifty years passed.

One day, I thought I would need to communicate with people even online, and knocked the door. I was accepted in spite of all my difficulties.

One year later, I went back home where my parents live, for the first time in four years. Something had been changed. It should be me that have changed most. I hugged my mother and then my father. "She" was still there, so was "he", but I just wanted to embrace them, to express my feelings. What were my feelings? It's difficult to describe them, but I was calm and at peace when I did so.

I want to thank this site. Everything started here. I was given a place to place my feelings, which was very important, more than I expected.

Wishing each of you a happy year.
ringo