Letting go

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wolfspirit
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Re: Letting go

Post by wolfspirit » Tue Jun 19, 2018 6:28 pm

Fresh food just picked is amazing! I'm sure your garden is enviable. :)
I am a horrible eater. I know it. Boxed and frozen and packaged food.
We had a garden once when I was a child, at one of our many rentals, but I don't remember having any involvement in it. Probably just riding around on my bike getting into mischief.
We had little to no money during my childhood, but I have a good career now. I know that's precarious in this day and age, though.
Good to hear you were able to find your own way financially despite the unfairness of your parents. That's pretty awesome.

My girls would like a garden, but they'd have to do it all on their own since I don't have a knack for it. We do have a raised bed where a crepe myrtle grows that could be planted with stuff. Hmmmm

Its going to be in the hundreds here this week, as well. I get it!

<3

ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Wed Jun 20, 2018 9:34 pm

I was just pondering...as I lose this weight I am reminded of the sense of SHAME that I was instilled with early on. I have always been ashamed of my body. It's not that it's a bad body, although MD made sure that as she beat me she reminded me that I was "ugly", too. She once broke into the bathroom where I had been taking a shower, yanked my towel off me and pointed her finger at me, screaming, "OMG, YOU ARE DEFORMED!!" I was an adult by then, probably in my mid-30s, and already suffering from Insulin Resistance and a large stomach area. Wow. It's tough to stand there, naked and without the ability to cover myself, and be ridiculed by MD yelling at me and pointing her finger - yes, that will induce shame in a person. I felt SO vulnerable!!

But as I heal up on here (isurvive.org), watching the garden grow and observing the hummingbirds sipping nectar from the brightly colored salvia plants in my backyard, the deep seated shame that I have felt all my life is leaving me, SLOWLY, but leaving. ;) My body has gotten old (or at least older, judging by how I lifted up that HUGE 3 cu. ft. bag of potting soil this morning! :P ), but I'm beginning to have an appreciation of just how lucky I am to have had this body. I'm also seeing that MD may have won many battles, but she never won the WAR that was apparently between us.

I am also seeing just why she felt so threatened by me: I was the flower of youth as she aged. I was 17 yrs. her junior and I was female. Nutty as that sounds, it was her ticket to Jealousy-Land. I do believe that it was a love/hate thing, too, but the hatred always won out.

I also don't believe that she had much control over her own emotions due to her own abusive childhood and abandonment issues. But I, as a dependent little kid needing her Mommy, didn't understand that like I do now. It just hurt when she flew off the handle and beat me, spewing hate-talk in my direction while pounding on me, sometimes using "weapons", sometimes just slapping and punching and hair-pulling, and it confused and shamed me. Using kid logic, I decided that it must be me to blame, or at least partially me, and the deep shame kicked in. If I didn't feel bad enough about myself, MD was always there to remind me of just how loathsome and disgusting and worthless I really was.

The thing is now that I can think about it more clearly, more rationally. I had a knockout figure as a teenager! I'd done a lot of dancing (acrobats, hula, Tahitian, ballroom, you name it - I LOVED TO DANCE!) and was very athletic (soccer, baseball...I was always doing some sport). But MD knew no boundaries and constantly told me just how horrible I was ("fat", "ugly", "lazy", "STUPID!!"). Again, I thought that maybe she was partially right? So the first guy to ask me to marry him, I said yes. Right after he drugged me and raped me. I was a virgin. He said he wanted to "make sure that I was his." Yes, I married my rapist. Low self esteem? I'd say so.

A year later, at age 19, I went into my worst depression ever. Never bathed. Never brushed my teeth. Never cleaned our apt. Never combed my hair. (It got so matted that it had to be cut off eventually.) Never cleaned out the overflowing cat's box. (PHEW!! :roll: ) Never did laundry. Wore my husband's clothes whenever I'd get dressed. NEVER left the apt. Slept all day; played Yahtzee (BY MYSELF) all night, repeatedly AND MINDLESSLY rolling the dice, over and over and over, all night long. Had so little energy that I'd stand up from the couch and think, "I HAVE TO clean this house!!!", take two steps to the edge of the coffee table, and have to go sit back down, exhausted!! My "clinical depression", an unknown term in 1965, sent me to my first T...who promptly sent me home, telling me to "just clean your house and you'll feel better." So I went to a church T who told me that "if I loved my husband", I'd just straighten up. I HAD FREAKING CLINICAL DEPRESSION!! I could NOT do that! But I did NOT understand that at the time, no one told me what it was that was happening to me or why...and it frightened me, so I sat...and sat and sat, still clinically depressed, and felt HORRIBLE guilt over it, and yes, SHAME!!! Twelve years (and two kids) later, a T gave it a name for me: CLINICAL DEPRESSION.

Remembering all these horrible things is actually good for me. It makes me want to put a loving arm around that poor young confused woman, a victim of brutal mental and physical child abuse and spousal abuse as well, and share with her all the reasons that she was good and kind and special and FAULTLESS, advise her to leave her brute of a cheating husband IMMEDIATELY, move in with her grandparents, get a job or go to college (REAL college, NOT Beauty College where my parents sent me!! since I cannot do hair to save my life!) or BOTH, to learn the pride of supporting one's self and how sweet independence can be. I finally "got it" late in life, in my early 40s, when I finally got that good solid Union job driving a transit bus. My bf at the time (DS's father) took up a "when-will-she-lose-her-job" pool to bet on how many DAYS it would take before I lost my job and was back on welfare. ALL OF THEM LOST!!! I doubt anyone bet "25 yrs.". :P

Without having gone through all that, though, I would not be exactly where I am right now...which is a darned good place, both emotionally and physically. I consider myself happy, and isn't that what most people strive for in their lifetime? I'm on the mend in so many ways. The shame does NOT any longer send me into the pits of "learned helplessness" anymore. I'm becoming more and more proud of myself. Not perfectly, but better and better. And what more could I possibly want?

Ridicule and SHAME are powerful tools, especially when used on an innocent child. Well, I'm no child anymore. THANK GOD!

I've got some muffins to make and a dog pen to clean. {{{{{{LOVE YOU ALL!}}}}}}}

Honeybera
Last edited by Serenity on Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed ST to MT, as some triggering detail is included

wolfspirit
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Re: Letting go

Post by wolfspirit » Thu Jun 21, 2018 3:44 am

Yes, honeybera, you never completely broke despite years and years of no treatment or support. That's amazing to me.
I am currently in my mid 40s, and since my late teens, I have seen a therapist on and off for depression and anxiety. I never had to prove anything or be lectured or ostracized. It was the late 80s and on the west coast of the US, so they had figured out a little more by then. But it wasn't until the flashbacks began almost two years ago that I began therapy for PTSD. I guess my body just wasn't ready to release all of this pain until now.
You are inspirational! I love that you proved so many naysayers wrong. :lol:

I love hummingbirds. They are fascinating creatures. I hope I see one, soon. I'll think of you!

Love you too!

ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi

honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Fri Jun 22, 2018 11:51 am

wolfspirit wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 3:44 am
Yes, honeybera, you never completely broke despite years and years of no treatment or support. That's amazing to me.
Thanks ws! That means a lot to me. {{{{{wolfspirit}}}}}
wolfspirit wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 3:44 am
I am currently in my mid 40s, and since my late teens, I have seen a therapist on and off for depression and anxiety.
I truly empathized with you and understand. It's good that you did that.
wolfspirit wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 3:44 am
It was the late 80s and on the west coast of the US, so they had figured out a little more by then.
Wow. Same coast as me. I had so many T's. One lady (Mrs. B) who helped me so much was a friend who was introduced to me by a guy I met on the phone (he was a Suicide and Crisis Hotline volunteer) who ended up dating me and eventually living with me. But that lady truly saved my life when I was SO SUICIDAL in my 20s. She allowed me to come to her home and acted as a metaphysical sort of T, letting me sit on her couch and just spew out all the pain, releasing it for the first time. I sat for hours, week after week, like a T session in her lovely calming home and it soothed me and gave me a new perspective on life. There was no charge for her time. She was just very, very kind to me. There are good people in this world. :)

I remember that I used to call Suicide and Crisis all the time just to hear a friendly voice when I was deeply distraught over something. This usually happened after calling MD long distance ($$$$) and trying to "talk to Mother". Fat chance!! All I got was more of the same hateful verbal junk thrown at me by the same hateful woman (MD), reveling in her control of me and the situation. My inner pain never had been of concern to her. I don't know why I thought anything would change, but I always hoped that it would. What do they say is the definition of insanity?
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”. - Albert Einstein
wolfspirit wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 3:44 am
But it wasn't until the flashbacks began almost two years ago that I began therapy for PTSD. I guess my body just wasn't ready to release all of this pain until now.
Have you heard of Pete Walker and his book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving? Wonderful and extremely helpful book to "reparent" yourself and let go of so many things that have hurt you in the past. C-PTSD is different from regular PTSD in that the "complex" type is from repeated incidents of (a history of...) childhood trauma rather than one or two or even several incidents (such as war) that cause trauma in an adult. Pete Walker is a T who deals exclusively with C-PTSD. He goes step by step in his methods of healing us up. His insights have really helped me.
wolfspirit wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 3:44 am
You are inspirational! I love that you proved so many naysayers wrong. :lol:
I didn't realize that they'd made bets on my failing until many years later when someone told me about it in conversation. I was both shocked and delighted since not one of them won the bets. Such little faith in me, even by those most "close" to me. No wonder I'm such a recluse now.
wolfspirit wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 3:44 am
I love hummingbirds. They are fascinating creatures. I hope I see one, soon. I'll think of you!
Today I saw a bright red dragonfly perched up on top of the cucumber support, absolutely still in the sunlight. I've seen him before, too. He's a regular visitor to the garden. My garden is full of life! Lizards, hummingbirds and tiny little brown sparrow-like birds, too. They've finally found the birdseed in the big birdbath that I'd put there a week or so ago. So darned cute! This is my life now, just watching everything grow around me and tending to everything to enable things to thrive. It helps me to thrive, too. It's a kindness that I do for myself. If I can't be responsible for my own happiness, who else is supposed to come along and "make me happy"?

One of the worst songs ever written was "Everything I Do, I Do It For You". OMG! REALLY?? It should be called The Codependent's Anthem!! :lol: Do it for YOURSELF, NOT for ME! If I like it, I'll join in, believe me.

What a long strange trip it's been... :?

Honeybera

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sun Jun 24, 2018 12:28 am

I am down to...<drum roll please!!>...255.1 lbs today!!!!

I finally could not stand it anymore, not knowing what I weigh. Well, not that really, but the nagging doubt that this may NOT be working. After all, how many years was I being told how bad EATING FAT is for me? How can I eat like this and still lose weight?? HOWEVER...when I started this in Nov. '17, I weighed 276.5 lbs, have been eating TONS of fat since (like a half cup of Heavy Whipping Cream in my coffee everyday) to give myself the feeling of satiety without stimulating my insulin response, or like eating the fat on pork chops and chuck steaks fried in lard, and SAVORING the crispy skins on chicken thighs and have still managed to peel off a whopping 24.1 lbs...SO FAR! IT WORKS, IT WORKS, IT WORKS!!!! (WHEW! :mrgreen: ) It's my LOWEST weight since at least May 11, 2013 when I weighed 285.6 lbs.!!

And to continue on like this forever is no effort at all except for changing my way of thinking about food, fat, and how it affects the body because I'm never EVER hungry! I told the girl at Sears the other day that I've been on this WOE for about 6 months and she was shocked that I could stay "on a diet" for so long! :o I'm eating fruit every day, too, albeit a very small amount right out of my organically grown garden, freshly picked. I'm sure that the fructose, the worst and most useless of all the sugars, unusable by the body, that's in the fruit is hitting a liver that is MUCH healthier than it was before and is therefore MUCH more able to handle it. I know I had fatty liver disease, and probably a VERY fatty and non-functioning pancreas, too. :shock: :? All of this is caused by TOO HIGH insulin levels developed over decades by eating too many "carbs", especially like sugar and grains/starch. Yet I eat a muffin nearly every day (made of almond flour and flavoring oils) that taste great and satisfy me completely.

I eat approx. once a day (22-24 hr/day fasting window) and am satisfied all the rest of the day. Whenever I get hungry, I eat. The thing is, I don't get hungry! I am so amazed by this! Many people following keto and intermittent fasting say the same thing as they lose up to 100 or more lbs. over a year's time or more. I'm on this WOE for LIFE! It's all my favorite foods (the greasier the better!) and yet, in this combination, I still lose weight!! HUZZAH!!! :mrgreen: Oh! Today I felt so pumped due to the weight loss that I tried on a size 2X that had been VERY snug on me previously and totally unwearable. On it, it says: KEEP CALM AND KETO ON! I actually took a selfie of myself in it FINALLY BECAUSE IT FITS ME NOW!!!! With room to spare! I had to share this with you guys! {{{{{{{♥♥ALL OF YOU!!♥♥}}}}}}}} Thank you SO MUCH for your steadfast support!!

I know this is all diet stuff, but it actually dovetails in with my "MD problem"...or former "MD" problem or my currently resolving problem. The other day, DS mentioned that he'd like to go see MD (for questionable reasons), and I froze! "Go see MD? NO!!", I said to him. Reason? I am still AFRAID to see her just in case she spots my weight loss and begins yet another campaign to thwart my efforts!! I'm successful now, and once I've lost ALL the weight and begin to feel more confident, well then, a qualified maybe. I'd like to look good in a dress (not just muu-muus) and have some cute heels to go with it and get my hair done and even use some makeup.

Even then, I'm not so sure that a "visit with MD" would be such a good idea. And that also assumes that she'll live another year or two. Who knows and who cares? I'm choosing to live in the PRESENT ATM. We'll see how things work out later, but for now, the answer is NOOOOO!!!! :shock: I went to see her last time in April on her birthday, but she didn't notice my weight loss, and if she did, she didn't mention it, only like thinly veiled complains about my weight. That makes it like my friends taking bets on how many days until I failed/was fired from my job, ie, VERY little faith in me or my ability to lose weight. So I may go see her again, or I may not. I just don't want her to mess this up for me by allowing her near me, and God knows that she's been vicious to me and tried to undermine my self-improvement efforts all my lifetime, so no. Not just yet. We'll see. She still frightens me with her ability to hurt and manipulate me. Once I get past that and stronger in my own soul, perhaps a visit or two would be ok...MAYBE. We'll see...

(Like a kid contemplating whether or not that stove top burner is still HOT, slowly reaching a hand up...)

Honeybera

dancingfish
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Posts: 231
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Re: Letting go

Post by dancingfish » Sun Jun 24, 2018 7:59 am

Honeybera, congratulations!! Go you and your hard work, that's excellent! Well done! :D Thank you for sharing this with us as well, it's a joy to read. :)

It's lovely to hear how your garden is flourishing under your diligent hand, too! I can almost taste the aprium plums and the peaches... :D (I can't grow those easily here, but did go to a "pick your own" farm for some strawberries this weekend. We now have a lot of juicy red berries I'm still figuring out what to do with..!)

I think your caution around MD is wise, too. Going with what feels right for looking after you is an important part of self-care - keeping ourselves safe from the things that might harm us in some way. (If that's okay to say.)

Thanks again for what you share here, I find your words about your WOE, gardening and healing journey always a bit inspiring and helping me with my own trek onwards. :)

Reading along with you if not always writing here,


dancingfish

wolfspirit
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Re: Letting go

Post by wolfspirit » Mon Jun 25, 2018 12:45 am

honeybera,
So glad to read your celebration of a goal and your boundary-setting around MD.
I just don't like that lady. ;)
Hoping you're feeling good today, too.
Wanted you to know that I saw a light purple butterfly today flying near a stream. Thought of you.

<3

ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi

honeybera
Member
Posts: 741
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Mon Jun 25, 2018 7:05 am

dancingfish wrote:
Sun Jun 24, 2018 7:59 am
Honeybera, congratulations!! Go you and your hard work, that's excellent! Well done! :D Thank you for sharing this with us as well, it's a joy to read. :)
Hey dancingfish!!! I haven't heard from you in a long time!! WELCOME BACK!!! :mrgreen: SO good to hear from you!!! I hope everything is going well with you. And THANK YOU FOR THE ATTAGIRL!!! That kind of praise is always welcome. ;)
dancingfish wrote:
Sun Jun 24, 2018 7:59 am
It's lovely to hear how your garden is flourishing under your diligent hand, too! I can almost taste the aprium plums and the peaches... :D (I can't grow those easily here, but did go to a "pick your own" farm for some strawberries this weekend. We now have a lot of juicy red berries I'm still figuring out what to do with..!)
I know what I'd do: sliced strawberries and Heavy Whipping Cream (ZERO carb from Trader Joe's!) or just a few whole ones to my head! :lol: It's funny when you have to worry about the carbs from the low calorie strawberries and NOT from the HWC!! A whole new WOE indeed! :mrgreen: I could also google "keto shortcakes" and get several FREE 5-star recipes from some of the best Keto people out there doing this! YUM!! It's how I roll!

(Google)People also search for:
keto strawberry mousse
keto strawberry and cream
low carb strawberry muffins
strawberry keto milkshake
keto strawberry cheesecake
low sugar strawberry shortcake

I don't miss a trick when it comes to eating deliciously, too, while staying on Keto/IF! Why do you think I planted 31 strawberry plants? :lol: :mrgreen:

And thanks for "the diligent hand" comment, too. Last year, I went into a deep depression during the heat of the summer (pre-keto/IF and 285 lbs.) when I was literally 'circling the drain' (ie, imminent DEATH!) with horrible painful arthritis of the shoulder and back plus gout, raging diabetes despite all the meds I was on, ALL the symptoms of heart failure, including pitting edema (terrible swelling in my legs), and a really bad attitude to boot. LAST YEAR, I let my entire garden wither in the heat and DIE. THIS YEAR, none of that is true anymore...NONE OF IT!! Swelling has gone, no more arthritis pain, gout and gout pain has ceased to exist, as have all symptoms of heart failure (my ankles are skinny again and I walk normally again...and briskly)!!!! And my attitude has changed as well, from a "forget it, I'm unable to do anything" attitude to an "I can DO IT!" one with plenty of energy!! And yes, a "diligent" hand! {{{♥dancingfish!♥}}} May you always be uplifted by it!!
dancingfish wrote:
Sun Jun 24, 2018 7:59 am
I think your caution around MD is wise, too. Going with what feels right for looking after you is an important part of self-care - keeping ourselves safe from the things that might harm us in some way. (If that's okay to say.)
:lol: :lol: :lol: OF COURSE IT'S OKAY TO SAY!! The woman has hurt me and attempted to ruin my life! :lol: :lol: :lol: And thank YOU for saying it, too! And in such a kind way. You guys are all the best!! :mrgreen:
dancingfish wrote:
Sun Jun 24, 2018 7:59 am
Thanks again for what you share here, I find your words about your WOE, gardening and healing journey always a bit inspiring and helping me with my own trek onwards. :)

Reading along with you if not always writing here,
Well again, dancingfish, you are ALWAYS most welcome here anytime you want to share. It brightens my day and makes me know that many are with me in my garden, and that although I seem to be the only one out there, I am NEVER alone! ♥I have isurvive.org behind me and cheering me on!!♥ :mrgreen:

=========================================================================

I wrote this this morning to share with all of you:

I have to get this written down and my computer is being slow to load, so I'm doing this writing on Word! My best and most clear thoughts are when I just wake up and I wanted to share this with you, halfway between sleep and being fully awake, before it fades away in the daylight and life's business.

I have been a compulsive overeater all my life. As a teen, I remember waiting until my father and MD would “retire to the living room” (la-dee-dah! :roll: ) for some TV after dinner, leaving my db and I at the kitchen island where we ate sitting on bar stools (MD thought it looked "elegant" to do so). :roll: DB, 10 yrs. my junior, was a picky eater and would scrape the undesirable remains (to him) on his plate onto mine while I happily accepted it and gobbled it up before MD saw what we were doing! If I simply asked for more food b/c I was hungry, MD would harshly ridicule me, maybe even hit me! And after dinner (meaning after my db had his fill), ALL LEFTOVERS were IMMEDIATELY thrown out into the garbage, even entire casseroles or roasts. NOTHING was saved! Dishes were washed and dried and put away. THE KITCHEN WAS CLOSED!!!

I understand now why (biologically) I had a slight pot belly even back then, and it wasn’t due to the extra food I was afforded by my brother. It was due to the horrible stress (the Cortisol "stress" hormone, which stimulates the Insulin hormone which is TOO HIGH in me anyway and why I gained so much weight over the years = hyperinsulinemia) that I was constantly under from MD’s slapping, beating, and punching me on a daily or hourly basis, depending on HER mood!! I can remember her slapping my face over and over again until I’d SCREAM AT HER to, “KEEP IT UP!! IS THAT HOW YOU GET YOUR JOLLIES? SO HIT ME AGAIN!!”…AND SHE WOULD, until she’d just be slapping my face repeatedly, backhand and forehand, over and over again with my head jerking back and forth. I would never cry in front of her, but then I’d go to my room (once she was exhausted from belting me in the face) and cry my eyes out!! :cry:

I have been bulimic twice in my life. The first time was when I was 19, married, and in the throes of my first clinical depression. I was a compulsive eater at the time (and for many years thereafter), was FINALLY “FREE” of MD’s brutal control, and could eat without her ridicule. So I ate. And ate…and ate!!! And when I could eat no more, I once made myself vomit up what I had eaten so I could eat some more. I did this once (that I can remember).

I don’t even know how or what food my husband and I ate since that time is very fuzzy in my memory. I know what my kitchen looked like: FILTHY AND DYSFUNCTIONAL! When my friend from high school came over to see me, she had gently said, “Let’s clean this place up together!” But when she lifted the mop from the bucket of dreadfully ugly water, the disintegrated head fell off the mop and back into the water. Oddly, I was not ashamed, rather just numb. But the mop head incident I remember quite clearly. There were maggots crawling in the pots and pans and dishes laying on the stove top and in the sink, and the refrigerator was horrible, too, one big slimy mess!

Clinical depression had me. I could do nothing! I was exhausted ALL THE TIME!!! Thank God for my dear friend D from high school. What a mess she cleaned up!! I cannot recall what food my husband and I ate or how we prepared it. I have a feeling that he brought food home since I never EVER left our apt. I now know that he married what he thought was MD, someone who kept a spotlessly clean home and had dinner on the table every night, but that was NOT ME. He had married ME, the pitiful remains of MD’s upbringing, a tortured soul on the edge of a complete nervous breakdown and a debilitating clinical depression.

Then, many years later, when I lived behind my Grandma’s house when I was in my mid-20s in the little cottage (yes, where I was beaten severely by MD as a toddler/preschooler, from 1½-5 yrs. old), I once ate an entire whole loaf of bread with honey and LOTS of butter on it, and then made myself vomit it all up, into the same toilet where I attempted suicide at the tender age of 4 by “flushing myself down where the poop went”, swearing to never do the as-yet-unnamed bulimia, and never did that again.

I gave up bulimia at that point, but NOT the compulsive overeating, not until many years later. Still living in the cottage, circa 1973-75, I remember constantly going to the Thrift Bakery (day old goods at extremely low prices since I was divorced and on welfare at the time and taking care of my grandparents and my oldest DS as a single parent) and buying many HUGE grocery bags stuffed with Hostess handheld pies, cookies, donuts, pastries, and any other kind of thing that they had on sale. Most would go into my big chest freezer in the garage at GM’s house. Microwaves hadn’t come out onto the market yet, so I just let some defrost every day. I ate them compulsively, I remember that! Then I would go back and do it all over again.

I remembered all this like a flood as I woke up today. I knew that I had to share it with all of you. Weighing myself, as I did yesterday, can be counterproductive for me. But I also wanted to KNOW, so I could say to myself, “Yes, this is working!

=========================================================

I wrote this just in case anyone else has dealt with the pressures and stress of their upbringing by EATING COMPULSIVELY. One other reason I did it was because it gave MD something to pick at re: my unworthiness to even be breathing air due to obesity. :x It was always something that she could reference as to how I was "worth LESS" than her. So my father would not prefer ME as a mate??? WHA??? But I truly believe that that was how her mind works. Twisted and sick...while she smiled and beat me, calling me ugly names, during every stage of my life until I moved out of her house and into my husband's home. UGH!! FRIGHTENING!!! The stuff of nightmares! But I was a VERY confused, quivering shell of who I am now, and needed to cling to assuaging MD and her fantasies, regardless of how ludicrous they are, and simply lay low and away from her wrath...yes, even now. In fact, especially now while I heal up from her!!!

And yet that old quivering shell that was me is the exact person that I'd like to give a friendly hug to and support. Long ago in Mrs. B's parlor during on e of our long talks, she told me that someday I'd be of help to someone else, and in my current state at the time, I did doubt her. But maybe my story will help someone else, so here it is. But it helps me, too, to share it. I'M PUTTING MD ON THE INTERNET! SO THERE!! :P :lol:

It also helps me to know, similar to my sneaking db's leftovers onto my plate, that I can quietly use this miraculous ANSWER I've found to how to lose this weight permanently, both physically and emotionally, which is a real necessity in my case. They do intertwine.

honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Mon Jun 25, 2018 8:32 am

wolfspirit wrote:
Mon Jun 25, 2018 12:45 am
honeybera,
So glad to read your celebration of a goal and your boundary-setting around MD.
I just don't like that lady. ;)
Hoping you're feeling good today, too.
Wanted you to know that I saw a light purple butterfly today flying near a stream. Thought of you.

<3

ws
I'm so glad that you weren't insulted by my last post to you! When I reread it, I thought I might have and would have felt so badly if you had taken it wrong. Thank heavens you didn't!

Regarding MD...I don't like her either, and the funny thing is that I wish I could. I tried to like her and trust her for nearly 70 yrs., yet she is the same conniving schemer and remains totally unlovable and hateful to me to this day. To my db, she couldn't be more malleable and "sweet", and he is more than willing to take all she can give, including her entire $700,000 estate. He still considers her "a liar" and somewhat of a pushover and a great burden to him. He also thinks MY childhood was a cakewalk and that I complain about it too much. He is the Golden Child whereas I am the Scapegoat and Lost Child. (There were only the two of us, but I got two titles.) :roll: Lucky me.

I also do NOT envy him his role in the family. Although he is being paid a lot for it, the demands on him I do not have on me. She relies on him WAY too much. It enables her to make him the replacement in her life of my late father. All those games I can do well without!!!! Plus MD's demands on his time irks his wife, my SIL, so he is in a constant battle between these two Queen Bees for his time and attention. When my father was alive, he solved it by paying his first attention to MD, included db in all things farming (of which MD wholeheartedly approved), and allowed MD to distance me from the basic family unit. My father just didn't buck her in any way, even when he knew she was dead wrong. DB doesn't have that luxury. So HURRAH for the Golden Child. I'll just stay here as the Scapegoat/Lost Child, happy in my anonymity, abandonment, and healing status. :P I feel that they all deserve each other! :P
(And you know what upper-crust is—it's just a bunch of crumbs held together with their own dough!) :lol:
wolfspirit wrote:
Mon Jun 25, 2018 12:45 am
Hoping you're feeling good today, too.
Wanted you to know that I saw a light purple butterfly today flying near a stream. Thought of you.

<3
Oh, thank you, wolfspirit!! A light purple butterfly: that is indeed how light my spirit is today! I saw the last of my new squash come up (finally!!), so now I have 3 NEW different kinds of squash peeking their tiny green heads up in 3 separate 25 gallon pots: Golden Crookneck, Golden Straight Neck, and a Golden Scallop. The miracle of LIFE! Plus I transplanted 2 of my 8-Ball zucchinis (adorable little round GREEN zucchinis) and 2 of the fancy-schmancy Gelber Englischer Custard Squash, described on rareseeds dot com (google) as follows: Clear lemon-yellow fruits are a patty-pan type, but with a bizarre twist. Fruits are oddly flattened—impossible to describe. Leave it to me to grow such odd squash and from such rare seeds, but they are also quite yummy and a delight to my eyes when they come in. All 4 transplants are doing fine today, each happily tucked into 25 gallon pots (filled last year) and topped with nice fresh chopped fine straw! So of course I'm thrilled with how my transplanted squash are doing since transplanting squash is not recommended due to the lack of success in doing so! :mrgreen:

All my tomatoes are looking great, too, and my cucumbers (first year attempt for me) have big showy bright yellow flowers on them tempting the bees. My herb garden(s) are doing great, too, and seem happy where I have them placed, some in more sun than others, but all with mainly morning sun only. I've got sweet marjoram, tarragon, English thyme, basil, and a whole lot of chives (regular and ChaCha), and parsley PLUS a big 20 gallon pot of rosemary! The mint is over by the raised beds and is flourishing. When I dug it out from underneath the whippy weeds that were smothering it, I wasn't sure it would make it, but it's thriving now with some water and TLC. I purchased some dill seeds and slow-bolt cilantro seeds, but haven't planted them...yet.

Once DS helps me with rolling up the last of the whippy weeds (actually big PURPLE morning glory trumpet flowers with stubborn and invasive vines), I'll be able to place my strawberries up next to the house on the east side (for morning sun only) and finish my view of the north-side garden (mainly where the squash is now) from my north facing WOW (window on the world). Watering should be easier that way, along with keeping up with picking that many squash, tomato, and pepper plants! But it is a moveable garden with everything in pots, save for the raised beds (which is mostly peppers and cucumbers ATM), so nothing is static and I've considered moving some potted plants that take lots of room (like the Rampicante Zucchino which needs 30 ft. to grow!!) into the dog's yard. I'll just need to set up a dedicated hose over there. Lots of plans!! :mrgreen:

Oh Lordy! It's 1am!! Need my beauty rest!! :lol:

{{{wolfspirit!!}}}

Much care to all of you following me! :mrgreen:

Honeybera

honeybera
Member
Posts: 741
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Fri Jun 29, 2018 10:51 am

Big blowout with my dear son today!!! We cleared the air but good! It ended up with him grabbing my iPhone and storming down the hallway with it "to teach me a lesson", saying that I was not going to get it back either, and that (and the screaming at me in my face in pure anger) frightened me...but then I got REALLY upset with him and insisted that he leave and live on his own!!! It was quite a row.

But I think he saw reason finally and calmed down and apologized to me a LOT. And later he went out and pulled up all the whippy weeds with me. I think he has a lot on his mind lately. And I think he's sort of lonely, too, with no girlfriend and no guy friends either. But I warned him not to EVER yell at me like that again!! And don't take my things from me EVER or mess up my room by throwing my things around...EVER!! Because it will come down to him losing his home, his car (really my car, but he drives it exclusively), and his job (due to having no car or insurance if I remove both of those, which I easily could do). NOBODY 'teaches me a lesson'! NOBODY!!!! I was SO IRKED!! I think that he came to the realization just how nice a situation he has here with me, and it goes both ways where he helps me, too...but all that he does, I could hire it to be done. And I could clean out his filthy room and get someone in here who wouldn't mind helping me out occasionally. He doesn't want that and neither do I, but if he ever does that to me again, the shrieking and yelling in my face and messing up and throwing around AND TAKING my property, all bets are OFF. I don't need any further abuse in my life, verbal or otherwise. I believe he understands now. I won't tolerate it!!

Nor should I. But I'm glad that it's over with. The whippy weeds are done, and tomorrow he's moving my 5 planters of strawberries over to the east side of the house. It's pretty easy to do: just pick them up and move them, and I'd do it myself but my arms aren't long enough and the way I'd have to pick them up makes the legs fall off them. I'll be glad to have them moved finally since the WAY over 100ºF days will be starting this Saturday and the poor strawberries simply cannot take that kind of heat. Where I'm moving them to has only morning sun, so they should be happier there.

Ohh, it's almost 4 am. Time for bed NOW!

Honeybera

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