Letting go

[honeybera]

Hi Fleur...

A bright note following all that gloom I just wrote: my two kinds of strawberries and one pear tree are on their way out here from Missouri. GOOD! Now I can take some of my time and try and beat down that bamboo in the backyard that keeps trying to rear its ugly head even though I "had it removed" professionally. Dear son has volunteered to run my rototiller back there DEEPLY to loosen up the soil so we can remove it once and for all. The raised beds are nearly finished; all they need is a few bags more of the soil dumped into the last one. I have enough room for 3 more trees up against the back fence, and towards that end, I purchased a Moonglow pear and a Harrow's Delight, both VERY fireblight resistant and will nicely pollinate one another. I also decided to plant another Honeycrisp apple tree (also fireblight resistant and a great pollinator) directly across the raised beds from my Fuji (which has fireblight already, but I'm about to vigorously prune it all away.) I plan to shape the tree as a "Goblet Bowl", removing a LOT of the height on it! It must be 15-20 ft. tall already! It really got away from me.

The strawberries will go underneath the grow lights for a while. Our first frost is Nov. 30 and the last one is March 1st. I need to reorganize the Hobby Room soon; the sideboards and floor are FULL of food needing a home on a shelf, but ds has to re-install shelves that broke, and I need to find homes for other things, like light bulbs, batteries, and so on. (Garage stuff, but the garage is a mess still, too.) But I need this job done so that I can begin growing tomatoe seeds, pepper seeds, and whatever else I fancy in those self-watering pots that I got last year and put them under the grow lights. I can't do it too early and I can't do it too late, either. But the grow lights are assembled THIS year already, and planting the different varieties is going to be easier by FAR!

I have to start getting to bed by at least midnight from now on so I can be up at a decent hour, like 9 or 10am. It's damn near dawn now, though, so today will be a bit of a washout. It gets dark here by about 4:45pm, so if I get up at 3 or 4pm, I don't have a lot of time to work outside. I guess I'm a natural night owl like my son is, but he works a graveyard shift when he works, and I find myself slipping back into old bad habits of up all night, sleep all day.

I'm going to try to prune my Aprium tree tomorrow. I looked out the window today at it to size it up. I am such a novice and do NOT want to hurt the tree, but it has to be done or else I'll end up hurting the tree by neglect, and I don't want that. I may attempt my Blenheim as well. Then the peaches (all 4 of them), the plum, and the apple, all before the other trees get here by post. Wish me luck on this because I'm going to need it!! I may just re-watch all of my YouTube pruning videos, take a gulp, and forge on and prune them as well as I can. There seems to be a real knack to it. The 3 D's first: Dead, dying, and diseased (like the fireblight), and The CAC Rule: cut out Clustering (usually at the ends), Acute (like V branches - got to decide and cut one off), and Crossing (branches). Each type of tree (apple, peach, and apricot) has a particular way of pruning, but all cuts must be at a 45º angle, cut close to the branch/trunk, but not TOO close. Wipe off the pruning shears with isopropyl alcohol between trees so you don't spread any diseases. It's a LOT to learn!

But for all my efforts now, in the Springtime I'll have BLOOMS on those trees, and then fruit! I guess I do like gardening! And now I have some family to share the bounty with. Nice...

I'm off to bed for REAL this time! Nighty night! (I wish I could send pictures on here.)

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Dammit, maybe this will work (writing on here until I'm tired). I just took a melatonin, too, and hopefully that will hit me in a minute. I'm TRYING to get to sleep earlier, and I've been in bed since midnight (it's nearly 3am already)!! Tomorrow (Sat.) is the last day to prune my apricots before the rain hits, and according to this guy on the internet (and he really seems to know his stuff), I should NEVER EVER EVER prune an apricot when the tree is wet. And the first heavy rain will be here on Sunday early afternoon. So now is the optimum time to prune them.

I really need to get to sleep at a decent hour so I can get up earlier. Otherwise, at this time of year, I never see the sunlight outside. It's "dark" all the time since I go to sleep at dawn and wake up at dusk. I've got to knock this off if I'm going to have much of a garden later on. Or even now! My strawberries are on their way here to go under the grow lights until I'm ready to plant them, and the Moonglow pear is on its way, too, and that does need to be planted right away.

Oh wow. That melatonin works! I'll try to sleep now. I know I'd love to eat something right now, but I'd be better off sleeping. My diet is really working, causing deep folds to form on my arms, legs, back, and stomach. This is VERY pleasing to me. It is finally changing. I'm slightly hungry, but I can wait.

Honeybera

[quixote]

Honeybera,
Glad the Melatonin worked.
quixote

[honeybera]

(This is how I'm coping with the holidays while being rejected each year by my family. I was not invited to any Thanksgiving dinner this year, as is always the case, and nor is my son. The same will happen at Christmas. They don't even bother to invite MD anymore. They do go visit her, albeit briefly. They already got her money. Why bother having her at a family dinner? And I'm treated simply as the family pariah.

I am grateful in one way, but hurt in another. An invite, at least, would be appreciated. You all, at this time, are a much preferred substitute for all of them. I hope you will understand how I'm using my thread. It does tie in with the healing, and it helps me just knowing that this is available to me when the isolation and rejection gets too intense. Thank you so very much for tolerating the apparent misuse of this site/thread, especially when I speak of my upcoming gardening, my reversing so many things like my cluttering ways, my diabetes (via a low carb lifestyle) and even my heart failure, my many losses including the impending loss of my beloved N but believe me, it all ties in!

If I see one more TV ad on how absolutely important "family" is to people during the holidays, I believe I'll scream!!)

♥{{{{{all of you on here}}}}}♥ I hope your holidays were happy and comforting to you.

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Might your cousins be up to having you invite them for Christmas? If so, perhaps suggest they bring something (save you from providing everything) to contribute to the meal?

Yeah, get what you mean about happy holidays means happy family time - puke! Honestly, I wonder how many people PLAY at happy family? Rest of year, couldn't care less?

Yet, it probably does hurt someplace deep inside? I know that is true for me, even whilst knowing I would be on edge the entire time

On my main thread, I mention various issues that probably are not relevant to share, might never be enacted, etc

If we take "healing" to encompass all our being, then just about everything has its place, seemingly related or not

May you and son enjoy sweet dreams followed by a great week to end the month


Cheers

[Ashia]

Hi Honeybera

I hear you on how difficult it is at this time of year. I agree that advertising isn't helpful at all, portraying images of "perfect" families coming together. What has helped me is to remember that there's no such thing as a perfect family and that I'm not the only one who'll be finding the holidays tough. I like Fleur's idea of you possibly inviting your cousins. Is that something you think could be achievable? Whatever you end up doing, I hope you can do something nice for yourself because you deserve it.

With caring
Ashia

[honeybera]

Sunday
Thank you, Fleur!! ♥♥ ♥♥ With a friend like you and this venue to write to, I'll be fine.

Might your cousins be up to having you invite them for Christmas? If so, perhaps suggest they bring something (save you from providing everything) to contribute to the meal?

We're not set up for company yet. My kitchen table is piled high with unsorted boxes, although I have brand new chairs for around that table needing a good dusting off or the removal of their packing covers. The front room couches are blocked still by boxes needing sorting, counted (VHS tapes), and/or taken to the donations center, or are brand new and need to be opened up and the contents used, like our new 48" TV and the automatic hose reel. I really feel the need to replace the carpeting in the front room at least. It is horribly stained all over in a 5' circle with a deep brown stain of my dd's cat's urine and God knows what when she stayed here in 2008 and refused to clean her cat's little box. Eewww! So it will take some time to ready this for a holiday get together with family who would like to share that time with us. But there's always next year!

But your comment brings up a good point. All my life, I have never been a real part of any holidays. My only requirement for participation was to come and partake. I was not allowed to help prepare anything nor to trim the tree nor to set the table nor ANYTHING, from the time I was little until I was an adult. I am a pensioner now, making about what I made when I was working, and although I'm FAR from rich, I am also NOT POOR. I was at one time, dirt poor in fact! But no longer. I could now participate by "bringing something" or doing something to spare the folks giving the party/celebration, but STILL nothing is required of me, and I am told that "it's all covered" and to "never mind" whenever I ask what I could do, and they always say it in a condescending way, complete with a slight shake of the head and wrinkled nose, like they're doing me some big favor! It makes me feel like such a mooch! It's also a pretty clever way to keep me at arm's length and to ensure that I not quite "belong" and am "beneath" them.

In fact STILL, whenever my nuclear family have "discards", they ask me first if I want whatever is it in a very patronizing manner, like I'm too poor to afford it and they must throw crumbs to the pitiable one. Good Lord! I have decided to NEVER EVER EVER take anything like that again! They can keep their used up and/or leftover crap. I'll buy brand new if I find I need something that they're throwing away or throwing out. I am not the donations center! I deserve better, and it hurts my feelings whenever they do that.

And when I went to R's this last Halloween, I went into the house when I kept hearing, "MORE CANDY OUT HERE!" as the throngs of kids came up to the yard of their marvelously decorated home, and unasked, I filled up bowls and bags with the mounds of packaged candies on the dining room tables and set them by the door where they could retrieve them more easily. I was thanked later for that, and it made me feel like I was a real part of it all.

They have commented to me that their house is just their home, that I may even be served on a paper plate...and I laughed out loud and told them that we do that, too. I am running into the slight problem that they are equating me with MD and her Lenox china and fancy silverware and Waterford crystal ware and perfectionism, especially as it refers to entertaining! OMG!! That is NOT NOT NOT ME!!!!!!!!!! All those trappings have always made me unhappy and uncomfortable. R and his dear wife L are really down-to-earth and kind and simple, no ostentation or pretense, and that's what I really love! My grandparents were like that, too. AND SO AM I!!! Their relaxed and fun-loving ways are exactly what I crave now and what I've craved all my life. My brother and SIL have all of MD's fancy dinnerware, diamonds, cars, etc., along with the $700,000 and another ranch (located next door?)...and they can keep it!! No invitation is FINE with me! I've had a lifetime of those uncomfortable affairs with my nuclear family, and enough is enough!

Thanks for bringing that up, Fleur! {{{{Fleur}}}} It needed addressing by me!

===============================================================(Later)

Yeah, get what you mean about happy holidays means happy family time - puke! Honestly, I wonder how many people PLAY at happy family? Rest of year, couldn't care less?

I know exactly what you mean! My son and I both believe in having that generous and kind "Christmas Spirit" year 'round. People are out buying Xmas presents out of a sense of forced obligation, and then forget all about the "Peace on Earth, Goodwill Towards Men" ideology as soon as it's Black Friday and they begin to straight arm their neighbor to grab that tantalizing bargain! It does bring about "puke-y" feelings when Big Business is trying to convince us how "happy" they all are so we buy more "products" for our families! BAH-HUMBUG! That's how Black Friday started: It's the day when Big Business begins to make a profit, and the bigger the Xmas, the bigger the profit. Valentine's Day is another one, created by Hallmark, the greeting card company, as was Mother's and Father's Day, but now you "should" buy something for your loved ones (if Xmas wasn't enough) - "How about giving HER diamonds for ♥Valentine's Day♥!!?? She'll love you that way, and the bigger the diamond, the happier she will be!", and some poor schlub schleps down to his local jewelry store and spends his entire paycheck (or more) on some overpriced bauble! There oughta be a law!

Yet, it probably does hurt someplace deep inside? I know that is true for me, even whilst knowing I would be on edge the entire time

Rejection is never pleasant. And I hear you about sitting on tinder hooks waiting for the second shoe to drop and "the games" to begin! UGH! I must admit, I was hoping that cousin R would have said something, like, "C'mon down! Have a seat at OUR table!", but somehow I think that they do NOT realize the pickle I'm in during the holidays. Or anytime, really. Dear son really wanted me to try to get an invitation: "Just CALL them, Mom!", but I didn't, mainly because I STILL am afraid that I'll become a pest somehow. After all, look at how my own nuclear family treats me. I don't want to screw it up with R! I was thinking about it today that perhaps I should have a real heart to heart with them, explain to them exactly what's going on with me, that I'm NOT MD, that I really enjoy being with them, that I'm quite down to earth, too. L already said that she'd like to go to see the paving stones showroom (a 150 mile round trip) with me. So why not just sit down and be honest with them? They're the last family I have, and they're turning out to be really GOOD family members! I need to do that with them and then LISTEN to what they have to say, even if it's a quiet NO. Which is precisely what I'm dreading. We'll see.

On my main thread, I mention various issues that probably are not relevant to share, might never be enacted, etc

I've tried a couple of times to access that thread, but with no success at all. It says that I don't have access to those areas. (??) How would I get over there?

=============================================================== (Later still: Monday)

DAMMIT! Dear son has built my new rolling wire shelves. I lined the shelves last night with already purchased liners to fit, and began moving things (stored on my kitchen sideboards temporarily) to their more permanent homes, clearing a LOT of space on the sideboards and making it available to me to COOK again! YAY! "COOK" means that I can for the first time use my cookbooks in meal preparation, rather than just use my memory of recipes. This is VERY important to me. So: HUZZAH!! Very happy with this! BUT...!

(Now for the reason for the DAMMIT!) I then went to find my favorite almond flour biscuit recipe on youtube...AND IT WAS BLACKED OUT!! WTF?? OMG! It was an "easy-peasy" recipe according to the girl presenting it originally (when I could SEE it and it wasn't blacked out), and the biscuits were GORGEOUS, golden brown, and she claims they have a bit of a crispy bite to them. <drool!> I have been CRAVING bread for some time now, especially having been so faithful to an extremely low carb ketogenic diet. Only meat and veggies CONSTANTLY get old rather quickly. I eventually want something "bready" or "sweet", and I can use alternative products to achieve that while still being true to my WOE (Way of Eating). This is the entire reason and logic for my upcoming kitchen setup!

So I found that I could still HEAR the video, and I sat down, pen in hand, and copied the entire recipe down as she gave it. (BLESS HER! I didn't want to lose this one, believe me! A good low carb bread recipe is extremely hard to find!!) I will enter it into both my online recipe book (bookmarks galore + one well-organized directory named ATKINS RECIPES that has taken me years to gather from all over the internet!) AND my hard copy recipe book for the kitchen area (9 volumes so far, each in a 2" binder, most are full already, each has a title). I have a bright red iron recipe book holder in my kitchen from LeCreuset (a real splurge!) that holds these open for me while I'm cooking. I love it!

Truth be told, due to the "overwhelmingness" of my cluttered kitchen, I have only tried 2 recipes, one my favorite basic almond flour muffins (done repeatedly over the years), which I can turn into anything from a scrumptious Lemon-Blueberry muffin (with real blueberries! SO good!) to a rich brownie type muffin (just add sugar free cocoa, or even additional low carb chocolate mini-chips - YUM!) to an orange (flavored) muffin with real orange zest, etc, and I bag them up once cooled and store them in the freezer, waiting for me to warm them up in the microwave and have with a satisfying cuppa --- and the other was a total disappointment of a cloyingly sweet Lemon "cake", just horrible! I would like to try it again but with MUCH less sugar substitute!! MUCH LESS!! UGH!

My taste buds have apparently changed dramatically over the years. When I pick my veggies and fruit out in the yard, everything tastes VERY sweet to me, whereas years ago, I could barely stand strawberries or tomatoes due to them tasting almost acidic to me. NO LONGER!

AND I'm losing weight! FINALLY! I don't know how many pounds exactly, but I can really FEEL the difference!!

Change of subject...the furniture store wants to DELIVER my new furniture to me "YESTERDAY" (euphemistically speaking)! They called me and asked me WHEN I wanted it to be delivered. I said this Thurs., but oh, Fleur, I am nowhere near ready! I may ask them for a one week delay. They are being very nice to me, but you can tell that they want their warehouse space! AND I truly want my new furniture! Dear son made the comment that he'd be willing to shampoo my carpet for me. REALLY?? Yeah, I'D LIKE THAT! But before adding the extra weight of this heavy furniture on top of it. So...? I need to see about that. I'd so love that! I wonder if I could hire it done? N did it for me last, in 2014 I think. He was between jobs and stayed here and helped me. We rented a carpet shampooer and away he went! Did a nice job, too! If son cannot or will not do it (and in a timely manner due to the impending furniture delivery), I wonder if I could just hire it to be done?

BTW, this is the original carpeting that came with the house! The same carpeting that I ordered as the house was being built, that I was told that it should only last 18 months! It's been almost 17 YEARS! And it still looks ok (except for the front room stains from dd cats, and ds's room). I would like my room's carpet cleaned NOW. BEFORE the new furniture. And I'd like a week's extension in delivery. Yep. That would do me nicely! That would make it more manageable!

If we take "healing" to encompass all our being, then just about everything has its place, seemingly related or not

I couldn't agree more!!! It all ties together. And I'm finding that I'm not ONLY my unfortunate past abuse (both childhood and adult), although it is what shaped me somewhat, but many other things as well, like my cooking/cookbooks, gardening, pets, family (the nice ones), even (and kind of shocking to me) an appreciation of housework and organization that I never knew before! Life is becoming fun! And dwelling on just the past is not very helpful to me, and becomes depressing. I am finding a need to share it ALL, and I believe that that is ok and as it should be.

May you and son enjoy sweet dreams followed by a great week to end the month


Cheers

Oh, the same to you and yours, dear Fleur! You know I mean that from my heart! {{{{{Fleur!}}}}}

Time to get to work - I think in the computer room today. "Make room to create room." I need to clear that stuff out first so that there will be a space/place to store other more "keepable" things. It's a HUGE job! Better get at it!

Honeybera

PS ---
I saw this as I was about to send this already HUGE post off, but here goes (briefly?):

I hear you on how difficult it is at this time of year. I agree that advertising isn't helpful at all, portraying images of "perfect" families coming together. What has helped me is to remember that there's no such thing as a perfect family and that I'm not the only one who'll be finding the holidays tough.

It is tough time of year for many of us. It's even more painful to be uninvited. But that doesn't really reflect on us. It reflects more on those who isolate and reject us, slamming the "family unity" door squarely in our faces, and that really hurts anyway. I remember driving the city bus one cold Xmas night, only a few passengers on my bus, and seeing all the colored lights glowing in all those windows as my bus passed by, mile after mile. I couldn't help but wondering about who was inside those houses, and what their Xmas was REALLY like for them? Happy? Violent? Heartbreaking? Were they indeed glad to belong to that family? Were they supportive of one another? It gave me pause knowing of my own family that had deserted me and mine, or was that the year where they were still only tolerating me and my presence at that point? I forget what year it was, but those thoughts I had as I drove my bus stuck in my mind ever since. Rejection is a powerful weapon to use on a "loved one".

And we, as former sufferers of that most wicked form of abuse, might like to refuse to do the same to others.

I like Fleur's idea of you possibly inviting your cousins. Is that something you think could be achievable?

Not quite yet, dear Ashia. I am working on it for perhaps next year. I'll understand the cousin situation more clearly by then. I am incredibly fearful that I'll be seen as a PEST, and all possible and potential invites will evaporate, and I'll be TRULY alone again! Right now I can assuage my fears with happy recollections of our past 2 visits. MD has damned near broken me...but not quite! So I am taking this EXTREMELY slowly and deliberately. Cousin R and dear L are wonderful people who I'd LOVE to be invited to be around, and I may just take the chance and blurt out how I'm feeling, despite the learned helplessness I feel so deeply.

I am so glad you wrote what you did, Ashia! I just had a GREAT thought! My cousin B (female cousin), who lives just down the street from R&L, sat with me outside on Halloween and talked (as the Halloween bash and noise and adorable little kids swirled around us) - and she told me and I told her about our mothers and how they EACH abused us! I never knew that my Aunt J, while fine to me, was just as brutal to her as MD was to me! SHE'S the one I should go talk to, to reestablish and reopen the lines of communication for me with that side of the family. She gave me her phone number. And she will be moving far away soon into the mountains. She, too, apologized to me because her "house was messy" (although I've not been in her house yet), so worried that I'd judge her for her messy house. OMG! No worries, B! If I had a place for her to sit here, I would invite her to come down while we're still close by each other and witness MY messy house! THANK YOU SO MUCH for that idea! Maybe make a delivery date for the furniture in TWO weeks time, and go see my cousin B one afternoon. They need to realize that I am NOT NOT NOT MD!!!! Never have been, and never EVER EVER will be!!!!

Whatever you end up doing, I hope you can do something nice for yourself because you deserve it.
With caring
Ashia

You can bet your bottom dollar that I WILL! Cousin B, a cleaner carpet (son or hired), and the new furniture! What more can I want? THANK YOU, ASHIA! I am moving in the right direction! Happy Holidays to you, too, and MUCH caring!

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


When people tell me to just bring myself, I often feel awkward. So, now I take something that shows I appreciate their hospitality - a plant or nonperishable food or - if I know they've been looking for something and it is not too expensive, I'll get that

Maybe you could do something similar? When you see your cousins, bring a token, see their response .... Just an idea

You sound like you've got everything mapped out and now need the wherewithal to achieve those desires

May the carpet cleaning happen before furniture is delivered and all your cooking turn out perfectly

Thank you for your kind wishes for son and me. We are about 300 km from big city, near surf and mountains. Sleeping in hired campervan


Best wishes

[Ashia]

Hi Honeybera

I noticed your comment to Fleur about not being able to access her thread. As a member here, you do have access to the main forums, not only those which are public. In order to see Fleur's thread, as well as other areas of the site, you need to log in with your member name and the password you created when you registered here. The link to log in to this site is in the top right of your screen. I hope this helps.

I'm very glad to hear that you'll do something nice for yourself over this holiday season. Thanks for the caring; it's always appreciated.
Ashia

[honeybera]

My dog, the incredible Ms. T, is suffering from "doggie Alzheimer's" and will probably die soon. My heart goes out to those caretakers of human sufferers of that dread disease, because I know my own heart is breaking from watching her slowly depart from us. Good old faithful dog that she is. She is the mother to all of my other dogs, and each one got a part of her, but none is the dog that she is. Or was.

She can barely stand now. Or she just stands and stares into space. Or she walks in small circles, staggering. At times she can sort of run with the rest of them, this most bold of all dogs. But mostly she is a ghost of her former self, and it's so hard to watch her withering away. Euthanasia is out of the question for us. She is a member of our family and such a good friend to us and always has been. If she were human, it would be unthinkable to kill her for being ill. So NO, no euthanasia!

============

What is eventually upcoming for my Ms. T is going to be another heartbreaking loss for me, and I need all of my new-found skills to cope up with it. Usually to cope with one loss the idea is to replace that loss with something new and uplifting to counteract the feelings of heartbreak and grief, but I've had so many losses in the last couple of years without the comfort of much support and NO CHANCE of uplifting OR counteracting! I get whatever support I'm going to be getting on here and that's about it. My NEW garden is a bright sign for me, and my son just built the last two (so far) of my new wire shelves, so one more step in the right direction there.

Just this morning it came to me what a HUGE undertaking setting up this home to my liking is. I mean HUGE!!! My son was in here talking to me at the time, and he pointed up to my Mark Twain sign posted on my wall ("The Secret of Getting Ahead") and smiled. I know he meant it as a joke, but...not too funny. At 71 yrs. old, I am expecting myself to clean out and renovate (that is finish) all flooring, both carpeting and vinyl planks, and paint the entire house, inside and out, more work than a move to another place! Then I need to clean out the garage, organize and pay for the new solar patio, etc., and keep up with a full garden, pruning, planting, weeding, you name it! No wonder I simply walked away last summer in the worst record setting heat wave we've ever had! I sat here in 76ºF comfort at my computer, while in the often 110-115ºF heat outside the plants died of thirst, and I refused to go out to even water my plants! I watched them die, one by one, and for the life of me, I cannot tell you WHY. Just overwhelmed? Perhaps.

In addition to being the "sole project director" , I am the financial manager of our family. I pay all the bills, do all of my own cooking, do the dishes and

=======================================Sunday 12/3

And then my computer died! I got it working again, and then began really studying about Canine Cognition Dysfunction (CCD aka Doggie Alzheimer's).

========================================Tuesday 12/5

Have been doing LOTS of housework and straightening in the last few days and keeping old Ms. T alongside of me. It's helping my mood and it's actually helping T cope with her CCD problems. She's not as bad as she was, thank God!! She still just stands and stares, goes in circles sometimes, gets lost in the house she's been raised in all these years, BUT she does respond somewhat to my son and I, and she walks better (not so much staggering). I also found out that her dementia doesn't bother HER, that she isn't appalled by it or fearful of it, nor is she even aware of it! So that is a real blessing to me and eases my heart tremendously! I'm going to get her some "puppy pads" that have a scent that encourages them to potty there so my cleanup chores are lessened.

I've also changed my grieving processes with her and her upcoming and inevitable demise. I've decided to make this a good time for us now, with lots of petting and appreciation of our last times together. I've stopped grieving her loss now, mainly because she's still here. I allow myself to cry whenever I feel a need, but there's less and less of a need to cry right now, and I instead appreciate her and the fact that she's still with us.

I am trying hard to be the best owner that I can be for her (and for the other dogs, too, of course). I read on the internet that giving dogs "suffering" from this disease a sort of "doggie puzzle" helps them and their minds cope...and it works! Yesterday I gave her a nearly empty container of heavy whipping cream (one of their favorites!) and she dug into it, licking it until every drop was gone. Happy dog! Same with every cream cheese and butter wrapper - onto the kitchen floor it goes, and she licks those wrappers clean! Not like she used to, though. You can see that she has to think about it. And she'll go away from it, and then come back and lick some more. Puzzles for her are not what they used to be. But I'm just grateful that she's still here with us. AND improving!

I'm in an upside down sleep pattern again. I'm trying not to be! But it's to sleep at 5-7am, up at 5-6pm. I never see the sun! AND I HAVE TO get my 1st pruning done!! AND my veggie planting SOON!! Mother Nature doesn't give a care about MY schedule! It's all about hers! Even if I got up at 11am-NOON I'd be alright, and T could come outside with me (she'd like that!), so I'm working on righting my sleep schedule tonight. A cuppa Chamomile tea + 2 Melatonin tablets (chewable and sugar free). That should knock me out at about 2am, especially after eating a good meal and having that cuppa at midnight-1am. I'm fasting for 16 hrs./day from usually 2am-8pm, so that should work out nicely. I'll get this turned around!

And BTW, I'm losing weight!! FINALLY!!!! I've not weighed, but I can FEEL IT! YIPPEEEE!! And I can SEE it, too! My belly, while not gone certainly, is GREATLY reduced! And I'm sleeping better (when I sleep for those 9-12 hrs./day), and I'm rarely hungry! Even my muu-muus are bagging on me. AND it FEELS like it did in 2010 (for the first time since then!!!) when I walk through the house! I FEEL LIKE I'M FLOATING ON AIR!!! It is the BEST feeling EVER! So I know that I'm losing a lot of weight! I am SO GRATEFUL that I have done this BY MYSELF without N even being around! I have to admit, though, I am getting his mail here currently, and I see the beautiful lamp that he got me every day, so the connection is still there, but in a very detached manner. I wonder if this is what our relationship has evolved (or resolved) to? If so, it's perfect. But the main thing is that I am beginning to love myself first. I truly believe that that's the trick.

So, all in all, I'm in a good place ATM. I need to go make some sort of casserole with my leftover chicken thigh meat (add spaghetti sauce, veggies, spices, and a handful of cheese = bake it) and enjoy it while watching today's Dr. Phil show (taped). What a blessed life I live!! I'm so grateful! (I'm going to make some muffins, too! YUM!)

Honeybera