Letting go

[honeybera]

I love you, too, Fleur, and value your friendship always. {{{{{{{{{{{{{Fleur}}}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I think I'm losing weight! And I think I'm just starting to not feel so ugly and despicable that I'm now looking at DRESSES (online) to wear OUTSIDE the house! Maybe to Bingo or the Senior Center...maybe. I like the dresses a lot, and I can easily afford them, but I feel like I'll look like a wounded elephant in them! I KNOW that that's my Inner Critic (that harsh bitch!! ) condemning me and shaming me. One more hurdle to jump over and beat. But if I can do as much as I've done up to this point, then there's no reason that I can't eventually buy a dress.

I'm listening to what I tell myself about myself, and it's withering to hear. I'm just beginning to lose some weight finally, and I'm getting pretty nervous about it. I'm seeing huge dips in my skin, especially in my arms and stomach where the fat is receding, and I am thrilled and horrified. Mind you, MD HAD TO BE MORE BEAUTIFUL than anyone, especially ME. Kind of like the Wicked Queen in Snow White. Mirror, mirror, on the wall... If she felt she wasn't as pretty (for whatever reason), she'd turn on me and shame me viciously. One of my earliest memories was of her standing me on that cursed chair and roughly applying a horrible stinky brown prescription cream on the eczema on my cheeks while hissing at me if I knew how ugly I was. Those episodes (and others) coincided with my first suicide attempt by me standing in the toilet and actually pulling the handle, thinking in my immature mind that I was going to go where the poop went. I'm just glad that we didn't have a loaded gun in the house!

Didn't matter to MD that I was her child that she was duty-bound to protect or that I was autistic (or "such a nervous child" as she would put it - well DUH!! Who wouldn't be??! ) She would hurt me as much as possible physically, verbally, and/or mentally. So for me, my best bet was to be that "ugly" person to her "beautiful" one, trying to placate her - and here I sit at 70 yrs. old, about 250-260 lbs., diabetic, riddled with painful arthritis, sciatica, gout, and now heart failure, no hairdo or color except to tie it all back daily in a severe style and pin it up and out of my way, dressing in either muu-muus or shorts and tunics with pockets (and all the same tunic cut, just different colors, so my fat "doesn't show too much"), all to stay as "ugly" as possible to avoid her wrath and fly under the radar of MD. BUT I'M NOT SEEING MD ANYMORE AND HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HER IN AT LEAST 7 MONTHS! So who is saying this to me NOW? ME. ME. ME. ME. ME!! And who is obstructing me from being who I really am? Me again.

Granted, I am on my diet still. I eat SUPER healthy, and am now losing weight. I can FEEL it! Showering is an easier task and I can feel a difference in the "heaviness" of my body. It is a slow process, but I can feel the steady progress just the same. It makes me happy and terrified all at the same time. I guess she got to me more deeply than I thought (or hoped). So I now have MD onboard IN MY FRIGGIN' BRAIN aka my Inner Critic, nagging away at me constantly, whether she's really here or not. Lovely.

But something is happening inside me, that old cantankerous ME. She was right. She could beat me, shame me, and even hate me, but she could NOT break my spirit (although she tried so many, many times and admitted it to me more than once). I guess I owe a lot to my mule-like attitude, for it saved me from a total meltdown. And now that uppity spirit of mine is looking at size 3x dresses, wondering if I really would look like a wounded elephant in one of them? I'm wondering if I might cut my long gray hair, maybe color it again and have it styled, buy some nice comfortable new shoes, like some pumps and maybe even boots for this winter?? And bite the bullet and re-pierce my ears again. I haven't had earrings in for the last 4 yrs. since I retired so the holes have closed up. Gutsy stuff for me! I've also not been to a beauty shop for my hair in all that time; I just chop it off when it gets too long to pin up. But now I find myself desiring these things again, plus the dresses. I guess I am wounded, but not dead yet.

I had to share this with someone...

Honeybera

[1000miles]

Hi Honeybera,

Congrats on losing weight! Also congrats on your adult understanding of your inner critic from childhood. (I've been reading a book lately that calls this the inner Parent--a recording of our childhood perceptions of how our parents treated us, which plays back in adulthood. Interesting theory.)

I can relate to what you say about clothes. For many years I've worn the same very unflattering ubercasual clothes everywhere--clothes appropriate to working on a construction site. I've always had a very negative image of how I looked. Interestingly, I look at pictures of myself as a young child now, and I can see that I was beautiful, even though I was made to feel very ugly back then. But I was rarely dressed or groomed respectably in childhood, and I can see that in the pictures too. As an adult, I'm able to see beyond that to the beautiful child underneath. I think that's been healing for me.

I'm in the process of working to put together a real wardrobe. For me, a lot of the problem is learning what is acceptable for all these social situations. So I've been pretty deep into studying about it lately--much on my mind.

Anyway, it's awesome that you're losing weight. I think getting some clothes that really flatter you (as opposed to hiding you) may be a self-esteem booster. The more you can do that kind of thing, the more you defeat that inner critic!

Onward . . .

1000miles

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Some deep insights going on for you

Beauty is merely skin deep according to society in general. True beauty comes from within

You've always done your best, despite everything

Banishing my inner critic has been difficult, but is much less toxic these days after I simply sat with it on a few occasions. Whatever came up, I'd say and what else? Amazed me how quickly the calm acceptance, without judgment, reduced the list over a few short weeks


Here with you

[honeybera]

Sorry to be so verbose, but I'm bursting with things to say tonight! I've nearly cleared off the kitchen table!!!!!!!!!!!! It went more quickly than I imagined it would. I found homes for things that I just couldn't part with, tossed away many others, and packed up the rest for donations. One of the things I want to keep is an O-L-D obsolete "gray sheet" from 1976, the original one from when I was going to Overeater's Anonymous (OA). The program is just like AA, but you substitute the word "food" for "alcohol" or "drugs" - same principles, same 12 step program. What amazed me as I read this document again after 41 yrs. is that it's LOW CARB! Who knew?? Heck, I was on Atkins when it first came out in 1974...for about 2 weeks. It took another few decades before I needed a low carb diet again to lower my blood sugar for work (I had sugar in my urine at my physical which would preclude me from driving commercially). In 2007, I finally let the idea really sink in and make sense and become my lifestyle. (And thank God it has!!)

I was not even then who I am now. Not even CLOSE! I did that first 1974 Atkins attempt in the same cottage behind my grandparent's house, the same cottage where I was beaten so badly, and when I was truly NUTS as I relived the horrors of my own childhood! I was as violent as my own mother had been to me, but I did it to my oldest son, then a mere 6 yrs old. One day, I hit him across the back with the ironing board, swung at him at full force, and when he went down, he didn't get back up and I thought I had killed him! When he moved, I was so relieved, but also SO GUILTY! I had become MD, the last thing I ever wanted!!!! So I called Child Protective Services on myself! Back in those days, they sent me out a counselor, which is exactly what I needed at the time. We'd meet at a park so my hyperactive son could play on the playground nearby and we would sit and talk and she would counsel me and give me parenting tips which helped tremendously.

Rereading that old Gray Sheet really took me back. My God, I was SO confused at that time. So messed up and FULL of rage. And yes, it was my parent's fault, but if I had stayed that way, it would have been MY FAULT! I used to hate that expression, but now I understand it, and it doesn't ruffle my feathers like it used to.

One REALLY good thing: I left my Pete Walker book (C-PTSD) in my car and forgot it was there UNTIL I couldn't find it last night. We lost power at about 3am (who knows why), and after that happened, I heard someone/something creeping in my backyard. My car was broken into a couple of nights ago (for some reason they love to do that on Fridays - maybe for party money for the weekend? Who knows?), and they took my brand new disabled placard...again! They also took my garage door opener (that will be all fixed by late Monday morning), but I went and got two of the dogs and we stayed up cleaning and watching TV. This morning, to my delight, I walked out with Spot and looked in and there it was: PETE WALKER! A bit disheveled since they tossed the car pretty good this time, but there was nothing to steal except the above mentioned items and my iPhone charger. All can be replaced EXCEPT Pete Walker, and they left that. HAHAHAHA!!! It's like a friend being there, like a support group available to me if needed, always on call. Between that book and this website, it's all I have at this time. I am working on that though. It's a bit too restrictive to be comfortable with. And f2f does have something to be said for it.

OH!! AND MY KITCHEN TABLE IS CLEARED OFF!! Now on to the mystery boxes! And sweep and mop the floor, and I'm ready to move the brand new, still covered in a protective packing material, black leatherette chairs with silver studs on them in to the kitchen table area. I may finish off the front room and living room boxes today, too. I have, however, been reading my C-PTSD book today and ran across a spot where it said to NOT RUSH or feel like I'm being "driven". I think that that is good advice. I need to praise myself with a generous and happy spirit when I'm making progress, and I still need to do all that I can do (comfortably), BUT this isn't MD's house, it's MY HOUSE. And her schedule or depth of "clean" (read: sterile!!!) isn't my schedule. There's an old expression that I love:

My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy.

And that's what I'm aiming for. I believe that instead of bemoaning all the work I have to do on this house (and there is PLENTY!), I'm going to just do my Mark Twain thing and CHOOSE a task (or possibly two) to do FOR THAT DAY, and COMPLETE IT, guilt-free!! I still need to deal with "the girl in the glass" (mirror) and be honest with myself, but I'm trying to wrestle The Critic back into oblivion! It's also becoming easier to SEE what I need to do and the obvious progression of it. First this, then that.

Thank you for allowing me to openly journal here!!! You have no idea of how powerful a healing agent this is for me!!!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Hello 1000 miles and Fleur! Hugs to you both!

1000, you are growing day by day! And thanks for the weight compliment. I need every "AttaGirl" that I can get! Long way to go for me, but 'progress, not perfection' sums it up. "Hiding" for me = safety. For me to even desire to come out from behind that wall of fat that I have created is really scary for me and will take quite a bit of courage, but the food is good and I'm happy with my WOE (way of eating - "diet"). So it's just making sure that I have things to do and move around while doing them, eat eggs and pork chops and steaks and yummy veggies (awww, poor me! ), and continue putting together my cookbook (low carb of course!), and the weight should fall off on its own, just as it did before in 2010 (93 lbs. in 10 months).

Earlier today, I FINALLY took that walk into my backyard (garden) to estimate the damages my severe depression did during Aug.-Sept. during one of the hottest summers ever, even in this normally "surface of the sun" HOT area. I gave my poor trees and my garden NO WATER all during those times! I expected more of a disaster (and probably deserved one) than I found. My strawberries are GONE. I had figured that much. I did lose one of my avocados, the Bacon which is a type B while my other two are Mexicolas, type A. Although, I did see some tiny, not dry leaves on the tippy-top of the stripped tree. I did starve them for water. I'm not pulling them yet. All my tomatoes, squash, and some of the peppers are dust. I need to do my front yard first. (City lady will be swooping down on her broomstick on Oct. 12th to determine if I will have to pay ANOTHER $100 fine! UGH!) Makes me feel pretty powerless. I'm going to need to battle through all of this, but still find the strength to tend to my garden and at least WATER!

I THINK that all my bare roots from last year bought the dust, as well. I watered them anyway. Waiting to see. Their leaves were dry, but not brittle. I am trying to decide if I'd be better off just tossing out the entire mess and starting again. My Fuji is still standing tall and proud with a TON of apples on it. Some are ok and some are not. I ate a really nice, good one for lunch today sliced into wedges with some Swiss & American cheese...OMG!! SOOO GOOD!! Crisp and juicy. I also salvaged ONE Etiuda pepper, a pretty, bright orange color, but I haven't sliced it up yet. Probably I will save and dry the seeds for next year and then eat the pepper with a nice crispy fried pork chop. (This is a "DIET"???)

I'm trying to decide on what kind of apple tree to get for the Fuji (riddled with fireblight and in need of harvest and a severe pruning!) for pollination. At my age, it's quite an investment of money and time. Especially time! And there is so much to consider. If the choice isn't right, the trees won't thrive, or worse: I'll have planted a tree whose fruit is sub-par and I won't like using it. All my peaches, apricot, plum, and Aprium are fine. Just a bit droopy and worn looking, green leaves turning golden with the season of the year. But such a treat to eat that sweet organic fruit all summer long! I'm understanding the "rhythm" of when my little orchard out there has ripened in succession. I've timed it pretty well, so that something is always ready to pick and eat. And all my ornamental sage plants are ok, too (for pollination). The weather is turning today here, going back into the 70º-80º range, very comfortable to work out there. I will try to use my time well and where it is needed the most, inside or outside. And NEVER not water again! If I have to, I'll have a gardener/landscaper come out and set up automatic watering for me...IF I HAVE TO.

Going to sleep now sitting up at my computer. I am soothed into sleeping thinking of my garden and its revival. Happily.

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Great to know you have action plans in place. Also, a big huzzah that Pete Walker was left behind - though a big gggrrr for those responsible for breaking into your vehicle

May the city woman not have a thing to find fault - ie enforce a fine - at her next visit


Much caring

[honeybera]

Heavy sigh!!! It's midnight, and of course I am just waking up. I just finished sitting here at my computer reading this thing about 'weight loss' and taking a quiz to see what kind of body type I am. I am apparently an adrenal body type (having to do with cortisol, the stress hormone - no shock there!), but the following made me break down in tears:

When your body becomes overwhelmed by stress, it starts to pump out excess cortisol, the belly fat hormone. But the question is why? Interestingly, the body is trying to survive by storing potential energy (fat) around the most important organs, which happen to be around your mid-section.

I have suspected this for years! I've always had a "pot belly", even as a little kid, and I was brutally ridiculed for that. I was NOT overweight, mind you, but was more like robustly healthy and was an acrobat, a swimmer, and a dancer. (Loved to dance!) But that small pot belly was there, nonetheless. MD admired a flat stomach, and would shame me for how I looked. REPEATEDLY! And with name calling. In her eyes, that made me "less than" and she was all over it like white on rice! She would be in her glory, and I would suffer the OVERWHELMING stress, cementing my problem into place hormonally. It's what drove her when I was in my 20s and showering in her home on a weekend visit, to let herself into the bathroom with a key, yanking my towel off me and exposing my naked body, and then pointing at me and poking me, exclaiming, "OMG, LOOK AT YOU!! YOU'RE DEFORMED!!!" due to my pot belly. That kind of shaming can really take its toll.

By now and with a continuous weight gain over many years up to 306 lbs., I own a pannus that I have named for MD (it rhymes with her name) because she owns it as much as I do. But it's mine to get rid of.

I have been researching the WHY of how come, if I've been on this low carb thing since 2007, that I've not felt comfortable enough or possibly done enough to get rid of my pannus once and for all?

Panniculus, sometimes referred to incorrectly as pannus, is a medical term describing a dense layer of fatty tissue growth, consisting of subcutaneous fat in the lower abdominal area. It can be a result of obesity and can be mistaken for a tumor or hernia.

I believe mine is a Grade 2. I want it to go NO FURTHER!! I'VE SERVED LONG ENOUGH CARRYING THIS MONSTROSITY TO PLACATE MD'S WRATH!! I don't know what her issues are or why she'd want to visit this on me, BUT I'M FRIGGING WEARING THIS (NOT her!) and ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

So ok. That's my rant. But NOW WHAT? I am finally beginning to lose weight, without N being there for me as he was in 2010, and without the "cloud 9" happiness that I felt at the time. In 2010, I lost 93 lbs. without any great effort, just sticking to my low carb diet somewhat closely, not even perfectly. And I did that in a mere 10 months. It just fell off me. Fell away like some bad memories. I felt GOOD! I remember breezing across the parking lot where my RV was parked (at work) as I strode happily into work and feeling as light as air. I WAS FREE!! And then N left to go across the country to his brother's home and work from there. And I was crushed. I didn't gain back all the weight, but 60 lbs. came back in only 2-3 months. I've stayed the same (+/- 10 lbs.) since then, BUT I'M 70 YRS. OLD NOW! My body shouldn't have to carry all this weight anymore. EVER!!!

So now I'm wondering HOW to do this, and I am researching the internet, trying to find the answer. I've decided to take an even more stringent approach to the low carb thing, AND I'm beginning to do something that I'm already doing (but without the low carb snacking that I'm currently doing): Intermittent Fasting. I'm doing a 12:12 (hr.) fasting and slowly progressing to 16:8. It's supposed to really help with my problem of Insulin Resistance. I'm cutting back on my protein intake, too, limiting to 10 oz. protein per day. It means more veggies, but I LOVE veggies! I'm also hearing about the benefits of ACV (apple cider vinegar), so I can throw that in, PLUS continuing with coconut oil in my cooking. No more snacks when I'm feeling bored or slightly hungry, even the ok ones like peanuts or pork rinds. I can have a cuppa tea or coffee or a diet soda (no aspartame!) - and I'll bet the weight will just fall off again. If I feel like I want to snack (and thereby mess up my Insulin Resistance again), I can cut boxes or sort boxes or gardening or something else. I'm already noticing that my arthritis is lessening! My feet are less swollen, too.

So this seems to be a very positive thing I'm attempting. I need to leave MD far behind and get on with the rest of my life. And I want to do it without this huge HEAVY stomach on me, making it hard for me to breathe or function. I'll bet it weighs at least 70-80 lbs., is in my way, and drags me down. I want that feeling of FREEDOM again! I may end up paying for a panniculectomy later. ♥There's a doctor in Houston♥...but I have to get the weight off first.

I'd better go eat now...I'm really hungry and it's time to eat.

{{{{{{{{{{Fleur!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Appreciate you would like to resume slimness, be at 2010 weight, but please talk with your health professionals. Given your age, it could be a health risk to lose too much weight too fast. Please also discuss your ideas around fasting

Only saying cos I care, not because I want you to be overweight, I'm not your parent. Merely a concerned friend

Changing from eating snacks to being active definitely sounds positive, smile


Caring hugs

[honeybera]

Hi Fleur...

Just taking a 25 min or so break; losing daylight but I'm almost finished with the prep for our early morning visit tomorrow. It's 5:30pm right now, and I've weed-eated the "lawn" down on both sides. I just have to do the small flat weeds in the street cracks, blow away all the debris, and that's IT! Son has left me to go see "My Little Pony, the Movie" with a friend, leaving me all the work. I've been up since 10pm last night (day and nights mixed up again - working on that) plus son and I (with much griping from son) went to the grocery store and did a HUGE shopping! I was out of everything! That is a very bad thing right now trying to do low carb. I was even out of eggs and had drunk my last soda pop (diet, of course). I was so exhausted from that 2½ hour store run that I had to lay down and sleep for an hour or so (after first putting away the perishables, naturally). Once I finish the yard, I AM GOING TO SLEEP AGAIN! ZZzzz!!!! I'm not used to this!

I wouldn't worry about the fasting hurting me. It's about how I eat normally, but with late night snacks that I'm now going to cut out or incorporate into my meals. As I studied "intermittent fasting", I realized that I needed to be more honest with myself regarding my daily intake. I'm even charting what I eat and when. It is not starvation, and if I get hungry (stomach growling, etc.), I will eat! I'll just write it down and realize what I'm doing. If I don't do that, I'm afraid my body that has served me well for all these many years COULD cease to function, and it is beginning to show signs of doing that already. If cutting out the late night snacks and go strict low carb, high fat for a while (aka Induction) can turn this around for me, so be it. I'm actually feeling noticeably better in the mornings, and my edema (swelling) is improving greatly!

What is troubling me is the smoke in the air from horrible fires about 100-200+ miles away from here and me being forced to work in it. All up and down the state is on fire, and no rain in sight. Texas, Florida, and Puerto Rico are drowning in rain, but we are as dry as dust here, and ON FIRE. I am safe, however. I feel so sorry for all the other people though. It's just that the smoke is bothering my lungs, and there is a Severe Air Alert, especially for seniors like me. But the City lady is on her way tomorrow morning, my son is watching some dumb movie with a date (rare!) and doesn't know when he'll be home, and it's all on me.

Back to work!

Honeybera