Letting go

[wolfspirit]

honeybera,
Glad your son figured out that behaving that way won't help him!
Must've been hard for you to deal with, though.
Hoping the strawberries are saved. They do shrivel pretty quickly. If they do, maybe dried strawberries?

Here's to cooler mornings and evenings. It's been in the hundreds here the last two weeks. Pretty normal for around here, though.

ws

[honeybera]

I woke up this morning and a sweet song that MD used to sing to me (much like the other sad songs she'd sing to me but to make me cry). This one, on the other hand, I felt was sung to me in a positive way, yet I was confused as to why, even at 71, it made me cry, too. I thought it was called That Little Girl of Mine and I knew that it was a county song since both of my parents liked that kind of thing in the early days of their marriage. All of this singing to me, both positive and negative, was done in that little cottage in back of my grandparent's place and all sung by MD. Once I cried, I got a severe beating until I'd "stop that crying"!!!! I remember how hard that was to do while being beaten, but somehow I managed to suppress it with HUGE effort! I was probably 2-5 yrs. old.

So curiosity got the the best of me this morning re: that supposedly "positive" song that was playing in my head and causing me to cry still. With the wonders of the internet, I googled it.

She climbs upon my knee,
As sweet as she can be,
She's all the world to me,
That little girl of mine.

Two arms that hold me tight,
Two lips that kiss goodnight,
??????,
That little girl of mine.

No one will ever know,
Just what her coming has meant,
She's something heaven has sent...to me.

Chorus

This was sung to me sitting next to MD as she put her arm around me with me on her lap. And she would continue to sing to me quietly until I cried, and this song was usually sung first. Afterwards would be the one about the sick and dying beloved pet/faithful companion dog who had to be shot in the head or the dying/dead "kid sister"...until I cried. Then came the screaming to "shut up or I'll give you something to cry about", and then the slapping (HARD!!) or the hairbrush when she'd injured herself (broken blood vessels in her hands which I was blamed for causing) or a wire coat hanger whipped out of the tiny closet and used on me. God forbid that I'd refuse to sit on her lap and go through this. She'd just go straight to the beating!

But the worst of this ancient memory was realized this morning. I was ALSO blamed for being a girl (my father's sperm's choice, not mine!) by MD...she had TOTALLY convinced my father during her pregnancy that I was to be a B-O-Y!! In fact, when announced at the hospital, "IT'S A GIRL!", my father's comment was, "No! My name is ___________! I have a son!" They even named me "Spike" while in the womb. SURPRISE!! It WAS a girl after all. And I was a very CUTE little girl! Adorable! White blond hair, big green eyes, and a feisty attitude and a thirst for knowledge from the get-go. I delighted everyone with my memorizations and "recitals" at the age of 1½ yrs. I'd beg MD to tell me "what the book says", to which she'd reply, "SHUT UP! I'm busy!!" - and she would be, lounging and reading a magazine while my father was at work and her housework was done.

But MY big surprise this morning was...that the song is by Eddy Arnold and is actually called That Little B-O-Y of Mine!!!!!!!!!!!!! She had wanted an Anchor Baby to solidify her marriage to my father, a BOY baby, not some GIRL!! Yet there I was. And she was a teenager of 17...and was MARRIED at 16, and I did NOT fit into her plans! She lived in a movie-inspired fantasy world and had little to no respect for other females! I was to be a B-O-Y, DAMMIT! I can see where the hatred and jealousy began, but as an innocent child simply needing mothering and NOT GETTING IT, I could not see the entire picture. Self-blame was inevitable for me. And if I didn't blame myself, MD was right there to remind me: "LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!! I BROKE THE DAMNED BLOOD VESSEL IN MY HAND [or more likely BOTH hands] AGAIN!!", and she'd grab what she could and beat me with that until SHE was satisfied. God forbid that she should feel any pain or discomfort at all.

I honestly don't think that my gender was ever a consideration for her prior to my birth. She was to have a BOY baby in this fantasy of hers. And she resented me deeply for my gender. When my db was born 10 YRS. later, she was ELATED, but was also horribly concerned that everything would not go exactly as planned, even shaking him awake in the night "to make sure he was still breathing"! He slept in a low bassinet between their beds, and then in the same twin bed with MD until HE WAS 6 yrs. old, even though he had his own bed and bedroom!!! It is a subject that is avoided like the plague with dearest brother!

And db's arrival began the shunning of me. There was no need anymore to pretend that I was a PART of their cozy little family. I was merely tolerated. The secretive beatings still continued (slapping, punching, kicking, plus the emotional battering to "break my spirit"), but I was OUT and db was IN!!! I was still required to give a good impression, which is why MD continued to lay out what I was to wear and "combed" my hair by putting a comb (and not a brush) at the scalp and PULLING!!! I was to look presentable at all times, but otherwise just stay out of the way. MD's "men" (father and db) were kept from me as much as possible, and I was ridiculed by MD to them CONSTANTLY! So once db was born, I was moved farther and farther away from the family. I was TOLERATED, BARELY, but never was considered a part of them anymore. I had served my purpose. MD stepped into the role as mere caretaker who really could not WAIT until I was 18 and OUT of HER house!!!! When my dear first husband asked them for my hand in marriage (yes, right after the rape), MD said to him, "Oh, thank God! You're taking her off our hands!!!" That comment hurt! But by that time, I was also just tickled to be out of there, too!!! I had no idea what I was about to step into. WOW. How did I live through all that???

I think that is why I had the "nervous breakdown" (aka Clinical Depression in my case) at the age of 19 after one year of marriage to my dh#1. I feel now that it was inevitable. Even a "strong" person like me can only take so much. Once "on my own" (under my dh's thumb and completely unprepared for LIFE), I crumbled. Oh, to be able to go back to her, put an arm around her and whisper in her ear, "It's okay. You need a job. You need an education. And you need to dump this clown you've married!! I'll help you figure it all out. YOU CAN DO IT!" But that did not happen. And I had no idea how life worked. I was ridiculously unprepared! I asked my husband when he laid his cashed paycheck on the table, "Is that a lot of money or a little money?", because I had NO CLUE!

Well, I KNOW NOW!!! (Thanking my lucky stars!!) I now praise that poor 18 yr. old girl, that infant, that preschooler and school aged little girl, and I LOVE THEM WITH ALL MY HEART!!! Many hugs to them, those brave children, that managed to live HELPLESSLY with a MONSTER!!! At least they are safe now from her!!! They live with ME now! Safe from HER! My father is DEAD and can no longer protect her. She can protect herself as she ages, which she can't, and she deliberately fails to recognize db and his greed for fear of losing him as well as my father. But I SHUN HER NOW!!! I cannot get close and not have her attack me yet again. Oh well. Her loss.

And what's even better is that my defenses against her tyranny, smoking cigarettes (quit 30 yrs. ago!) and compulsive overeating and obesity (currently finishing that battle, too), are being dealt with. I'm pretty happy with my progress.

It's supposed to be 105ºF here today, it's nearly my eating window time (keto/if), and I've still got to water my trees and all my strawberries today. So I need to get out there. My garden always calms me. Oh, and I need to bring in all the dogs, too, since poor old Ms. T can't remember how to get out of the heat through the doggy door, so we just lock them inside in the a/c house in their pen until it gets cooler outside. That works for all of us!

Dear son can't be more helpful or nicer to me now. I'm hoping that this new and more mature attitude lasts. We are able to talk out any difficulties with compromise and that certainly works for me!! One hand washes the other!

Honeybera

[wolfspirit]

honeybera,
That is a fascinating story about how you realized the song was really about a boy and how you were supposed to be a boy. What a
I'm sorry your MD was so abusive. Her mind games were just as hurtful as her physical abuse.
She deserves every ounce of her loneliness.

It was 106 here today and I had to do yard work! So exhausted. I think I drank about 3 gallons of water.

<3

ws

[honeybera]

I like the TV show "I Survived" about people who managed to live through some pretty horrible circumstances. In the one I'm seeing today, the lady prison guard who survived a prison escape attempt and abduction by two inmates said something that hit home with me and is making me write it down on here to really remember it and ponder it for a while: "I survived because I look at myself as a survivor and not a victim." WOW. I really like that! That seems to take all the "learned helplessness" and powerlessness and lack of control that I felt and throw it out the window! I was a helpless person (infant/toddler/school age/teen/adult), but no longer need to be. The above statement clears that all up for me. "A SURVIVOR and NOT a VICTIM." And it's about self image ("...because I look at myself as...") - and that I do have control over!

I wish I could write more on this, but I'm awfully tired tonight. But I really wanted to share this on here first. Time now to get some well-deserved sleep.

But before I go...ws, where on earth do you live? I'd guess in either Death Valley or AZ. 106ºF??? That's even worse than here!! (You really don't need to actually divulge that info...but WOW!)

Honeybera...ZZzzzz!!

[wolfspirit]

honeybera,
Luckily, our heat is dry so at night it drops like 20 degrees and stays until around 10 the next day.

I've heard that perspective on survivor not victim. So happy that you embraced that! It is empowering, for sure.

Hope you got some good sleep these last couple of days!

ws

[honeybera]

Luckily, our heat is dry so at night it drops like 20 degrees and stays until around 10 the next day.

Oh yeah, I forgot. If it's "dry heat", it's ok. After I retired, we lived without A/C for about 2 yrs. until I could stand it no more. I used to live (born and raised) in a coastal town where it was cool all the time (I prefer fog and coolness), but could not afford to buy a house there, so I moved inland. To the unbearable HEAT. But at least DS had a roof over his head and I had a place I could retire to. With a/c, this is a picnic. And my tomatoes, squash, peppers, and citrus just love it.

Yesterday I bought a bunch of BEAUTIFUL yellow pompom marigold plants as companion plants for the tomatoes, squash, and peppers. I love seeing the tomatoes grow tall with the marigolds shining brightly at their base. It makes the whole garden sparkle. The marigolds are in the garage ATM. I stayed up last night until about 5am ( ) and forced myself to get back up at 10am and go water EVERYTHING. I even watered Pedro, my dwarf walnut tree over in the dog's yard. I'll plant the new marigolds (probably) tonight...or maybe tomorrow morning, depending on the heat. So far it looks like a rather cool July, hovering right around 100ºF. THANK GOD!

I've heard that perspective on survivor not victim. So happy that you embraced that! It is empowering, for sure.

Yes, empowering is the word! I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I'm giving WAY too much time and even my power away to a memory (however bad) to an old crone a 40 min. drive away from me. I don't live a perfect life anyway (3 of my precious, but ancient, dogs are horribly ill and I'm forced to watch them die slowly, today is my estranged daughter's birthday , and I have this nagging fear that my DS is being way too nice to me after the huge blowup the other day [honeymoon period in the cycle of violence??]), so I have plenty to get me down. I don't need to borrow trouble. I'd much rather concentrate on the present, loving the remaining time that I DO have with my dogs, mentally wish DD a Happy Birthday, and try to trust DS's apparently positive attitude. Oh, and planting the bright new marigolds and tending the garden. It really is up to me.

What you are is your parent's fault, but if you stay that way, it's your fault.

My God, I used to HATE HATE HATE that expression, but I'm beginning to see just how true it is! I initially read it as "what you are is your parent's fault, and they will get away with it!" HA HA ON ME! But that's not what it really says. It is also empowering, too. It says I don't have to stay the way MD wanted me to be in her fantasy. I CAN recreate myself in whatever image I want! And I have. So there! I give that old bag WAY WAY WAY too much of my time and emotions. I really need to let her go once and for all. Dad's dead, DB only approaches her for more $$$$, and even she isn't happy. Never has been, as far as I can tell. No, my work/responsibility is to make MYSELF happy and keep myself whole. And that's it. Be kind and good (like my grandparents) while protecting myself. And it's ok to be a bit selfish now and then. If I don't give freely to myself, why should anyone else? It's a much more productive focus for me.

Hope you got some good sleep these last couple of days!

It's all part of the Keto/IF plan in which sleep is absolutely included. I sleep soundly and blissfully for 9-12 hrs./day. Sometimes I even fall out in my computer chair! I have no troubles once asleep, but rather just what hours I do sleep. If I stay up all night, then I sleep all day. I rarely see sunlight (especially in the winter). I have blackout curtains in my room, and it really does block all sunlight, which is great if I'd stayed up until morning, but then I don't get to water at 6am and DO have to before sunset, missing the heat of the day, and that is my "problem sleeping". More problems with the timing of the hours of sleep. But thanks for the well wishes.

I realized today that between my DS and myself, we've managed to lose 85 lbs. so far!! And I'm hungry. And those avocados and tomatoes and pork chops that we bought last night are calling to me. I want to also make some Cream of Asparagus soup, too. I just bought some asparagus last night. I make it with bone broth that I've made in the Instant Pot, HWC, and lots of herbs and spices, cook for about 20 min and then hit it with the stick blender. Then I put it in the fridge in individual cups and eat it as I wish. I LOVE THIS WOE!! It's SO EASY! And for dessert, I'll get one of those wonderful Apple Pie (flavored) almond flour muffins that DS made the other night from the freezer: PURE HEAVEN!!

I believe I'll go do that RIGHT NOW!

Honeybera

[wolfspirit]

Almond flour muffins sound yummy!
Staying present is like a huge key to happiness I hear.
I try.
Especially since my kids are still in my home. Try to capture their facial expressions and savor the "MOM!"s I hear all day.
Sometimes though, a flashback or memory or feeling just takes over.
I feel so weak and frustrated when it happens.
I tell my t that its like I go to an ice cream shop, sit down and look at the big, tubs of ice cream, and then don't order anything. I just sit there. Knowing there's delight just a verbal request away. But I can't speak.

It's getting easier than it was a year ago, though.
Someday I'll create what I want in my life, or who I am in my life. When this trauma is healed enough. I just have to hang on.

I love avocadoes. I'll just eat them by themselves.

ws

[dancingfish]

I second that on avocados, ws. :D

Description of your shining companion marigolds is lovely, Honeybera :). Sounds like you're working through a few things, too. Sometimes time spent on remembering those in my past seems a waste - but then I've thought if it's something I'm choosing to do, for my own healing, then it's okay. And I can also not think about it if I don't want to. :)

If you don't mind me asking - on an unrelated note! - what do you use in your muffins? I've been trying some healthier baking (trying to manage my sweet tooth!), but have come across a few not great recipes! (See: mostly egg and ground almond... things). If you don't mind and have a moment, knowing what goes into yours would be handy! They always sound so delicious. :D

Take care now, and all the best for working out the things going on. :) Hope you enjoy a few cooler early mornings and/or evenings!

[honeybera]

If you don't mind me asking - on an unrelated note! - what do you use in your muffins? I've been trying some healthier baking (trying to manage my sweet tooth!), but have come across a few not great recipes! (See: mostly egg and ground almond... things). If you don't mind and have a moment, knowing what goes into yours would be handy! They always sound so delicious.

Awww, thanks dancingfish! This is my recipe for a recipe originally lifted from Linda, a fabulous low carb cook and one of the first (and best) that I've used. She's at genaw dot com. To avoid that deadly poison sugar, DO NOT use powdered/granular Splenda though! It is made of mostly sugar (maltodextrin). Rather, go to netrition dot com (or Whole Foods or a local health food store - that type of thing) and purchase some erythritol mix, like erythritol/monk fruit or erythritol/sucralose or Swerve (my favs), and use that in ALL your cooking and sweetener needs. That should manage your sweet tooth just fine and you may FEEL a whole bunch better, too. Go to google, too, and put in the following: keto fat bombs (which I ALSO get to eat and still lose weight! YUM! ). This WOE may be sugar free, but it's NOT sweet free! We get cheesecakes, pound cakes, candies, cookies (macaroons are my fav), ice creams, and even keto ganache to pour over it, frostings, and lots of chocolate, ANY kind of chocolate, like brownies, and so on. Just keep it sugar free and flour free, both white and whole wheat AND grain free!!

This is literally from my cookbook:

BASIC ALMOND FLOUR MUFFINS
6 ounces almond flour (1 1/2 cups) [3 c.]
1 teaspoon baking powder [2 t.]
1/8 teaspoon salt [¼ t.]
2 tablespoons butter, melted [4 T.]
1 cup granular erythritol mix [2 c.] or equivalent liquid Splenda [1 t.]
1 teaspoon vanilla [2 t.]
2 tablespoons heavy cream [4 T. = ¼ cup]
3 tablespoons water [6 T.]
2 eggs [4]
Put the almond flour, baking powder, salt and granular erythritol mix, if using, in a medium mixing bowl. In a small bowl, melt the butter in the microwave. Add the liquid Splenda, if using, the vanilla, cream and water to the butter. Add the liquid mixture and the eggs to the dry ingredients in the bowl. Mix well with a spoon. If the batter seems too stiff, stir in another tablespoon of water.
Spoon the batter into six [12] paper-lined muffin cups. Bake at 350º 15-20 minutes, until the tops are golden brown. Remove from the pan and cool at least 5 minutes on a rack before serving. Serve warm or at room temperature. Store in the refrigerator.
Makes 6 [or 12] muffins
Can be frozen

With granular erythritol mix or liquid Splenda:
Per Serving: 242 Calories; 22g Fat; 8g Protein; 6.5g Carbohydrate; 3.5g Dietary Fiber; 3g Net Carbs

VARIATIONS:
Maple Nut Muffins - Add 1 1/2 teaspoons maple flavoring and 1/4 cup chopped pecans
Orange Muffins - Add 1 teaspoon orange extract and 1 tablespoons grated orange zest
Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins - Add 1 teaspoon lemon extract, lemon zest and 1 teaspoon poppy seeds
Banana Walnut Muffins - Add 1 teaspoon banana flavoring and 1/4 cup chopped toasted walnuts
Apple-Cinnamon Muffins - Add 2 packets sugar free cider mix, reduce the sweetener to 1/2 cup and add 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
Blueberry Muffins - Add a handful of fresh [or frozen] blueberries; can add 1 t. lemon extract as well
Cinnamon Muffins - Add 1 teaspoon cinnamon or more, mixed in with the dry ingredients
[Chocolate – add ½ cup cocoa powder (or ¼ c. more + ground psyllium husks for a brownie like texture) to dry ingredients; gently fold toasted nuts/ sugar free chocolate chips into finished batter; bake.]

This recipe makes a good plain muffin that you can spread with sugar free jam.
UPDATE 1/10/13: I made cinnamon muffins today by adding 1 teaspoon cinnamon to the basic muffin recipe. They're very good.

The brackets [ ] after the ingredients are to make a 12 muffin pan, or double the recipe. You can add liquid Splenda without adding additional sugar (netrition dot com), but I prefer the erythritol mixes. I also usually add some ground psyllium husk (about 2-3 T. per double batch) for added fiber OR I throw in a ¼-½ cup of oat FIBER (NOT oat flour!!) for the same effect.

And then I decide on what flavors I want in there! Apple pie spice plus additional Vietnamese cinnamon (great for reducing my blood sugars - thespicehouse dot com has some wonderful keto friendly spices but you HAVE TO carefully read the labels for the ones with no sugar additives!) and my son added caramel flavoring into the mix (SO nice!) and into the oven it went. SO YUMMY! He left out the ground psyllium husks. (His muffins, his choice.) They came out with a slightly crunchy top that was to die for! Great with a cuppa Bulletproof coffee the way we make it (lotsa HWC + Torani's sugar free syrup to taste [your flavor of choice - I use German Chocolate Cake, DS likes Toasted Marshmallow - also Netrition dot com] + a blop of ghee or butter [so an increase of wonderful FAT] + MORE cinnamon and a dropperful of LorAnn's Oil, Netrition, Cream Cheese Icing flavor). Yes, we use a LOT of flavorings! Lots of spices, too. (I HIGHLY recommend The Spice House's Lake Shore Drive seasoning, made of lots of chives, shallots, onion, garlic, ground green peppercorns, and scallions - OMG! SO GOOD! On salads, meats, veggies, like frozen spinach baked with this and HWC and cream cheese + minced garlic + onion powder [nuke first for 3 min., stir and top with shredded cheese, bake for 15-20 min] - it's "slap yo' mama" good!!)

===============================================(3:30am)

Got to go to bed so I can get up early (sort of) to water my garden. It's doing so darned well. I saw tiny squashes and little green cherry tomatoes forming already out there today. I really have to get out there early and I cannot do that if I stay up this late. I need to get a grip.

Honeybera - PS - any keto questions, I'll happily answer. I can't believe that not only does this work, but it's yummy food, too, and all that I want (which isn't much anymore). And the hunger just goes away.

[honeybera]

BTW, I just found a quote that I think I need to share:

It’s good to remember though that you should be cutting back on your carbs before increasing your intake of healthy fats. Otherwise, you will be on the ruinous Standard American Diet (SAD) = high carbs and high fat.

A good first step is to switch to the artificial sweeteners I listed and to either study this WOE on dietdoctor dot com (FREE site that explains what it is that DS and I are doing to drop 85 lbs. in 6 months nearly without effort) and/or watch the "Be A Loser" youtube videos (also FREE, short [6-11 min. each], and super informative and easy to watch). Butter Bob Briggs (Butter Makes Your Pants Fall Off) is another FREE youtube video that is definitely worth watching. And for keto friendly recipes, just google it, sit back, and read them (and maybe swipe them like I do). Hey, I always give them credit for all their hard work.

Right now I just found a cream cheese/blueberry/sweetener recipe for Frozen Blueberry Fat Bombs that looks scrumptious! We are out of muffins, too , so that is first on my list, and then the Cream of Asparagus soup, but the above fat bomb recipe is SUPER EASY (throw it all in the blender and then into candy molds and then freeze it), so that is next after the others are done.

DS is out buying our foods (8 pints of HWC, ground beef for his press-molded and then frozen Bubba Burgers, and so on) and he's going to need the kitchen when he gets back, so I'd better make those muffins and soup now.

Honeybera