Letting go

[Ashia]

Hi Honeybera

It seems to me that you work real hard to do what's right for your dogs. That's such a loving way to be. I know it'll be very difficult when the time comes for Ms. T but you have support here. I like that you are making the most of your time with her. Enjoy it. Are you managing to get to sleep any earlier and change your sleep pattern?

I hope all is well with you.
Ashia

[honeybera]

12/7/17 Thursday
I just had the most brilliant idea!! As I said before, I'm FINALLY losing some pounds on this "diet" (WOE) because I'm eating only about 20 gms. of carbs or less per day AND using intermittent fasting. I was formerly eating approx. 40 gms. of carbs per day and not fasting at all. I'm finding that for me, especially at my age, it is necessary to do the more strict use of this WOE to actually LOSE wgt. Each day I'm able to walk better, think better, my stomach is slowly shrinking away, and I'm rarely hungry. It's great!!

(Now for that brilliant idea!) So I'm sitting here at my computer and for some reason began to look at recumbent trikes. I have my own "tadpole" style sitting in my garage right now, gathering dust. I had it custom built for me back when I was driving transit bus. Some guy (the owner of the company that built them) was out for a ride and I damned near drove off the road when I saw him! I pulled him over (yes, in the bus!) and excitedly said, "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT??!!!", and he said he built them, and I happily got his phone number. The trike that he made me and I rode all over the myriad of bike trails in my area during the next several years. It was glorious!!!

Then I moved here in 2001 and parked my beloved trike (too much trouble to take it back and forth to work 75 miles away on a daily basis + not too many good bike trails here). So it sat...and sat...and sat in my garage, buried under all the years of mess. But just reading about my old trike got me excited afresh:

it's a great recreation / exercise trike. Probably not very fun on hills but it does have 7 speeds. And it's a piece of history from the mid 90's that paved the way for current trikes.

OMG YES!! I couldn't even remember the name of the trike (American Landstrider) or the original builder, but once plugged into Google...well...there it all was again. I do believe that the builder is probably deceased by now. Back in the 90s, he had a massive heart attack and "retired" (but he still worked on his trikes somewhat...he couldn't stay away from them). I understand how he felt.

Currently my tires are flat. My "piece of history" (in more ways than one!) is under a pile of junk, but I can still see it. The last time I sat on it and began to ride, laying on my back like that and pedaling, caused my big(ger) belly to bump and sway and embarrass me, and I didn't want to do that anymore in front of the entire neighborhood. But now I am losing my weight, and what better than trike riding as exercise? It should take me a couple of months to exhume my trike from the garage, take it to a suitable bike repair shop (need better brakes on it and a few accessories, like a new flag), and have it in riding condition again. How nice to ride my laid back recumbent again in the Springtime! Plus now, being retired and all, I can take it anywhere I want in my long-bed pickup truck. Put it up in the bed and fasten it to the sides with bungee cords. DONE! And up by my cousin's house there are a TON of nice bike trails, too! This is the coolest bike EVER!!

The farther away from MD I get, the easier it is to be happy in my own skin and to accept myself and my own personal whims as they come to me. I AM OK, JUST THE WAY I AM! I need NO VALIDATION or APPROVAL from MD (like I ever got any in the first place)!! It feels SO GOOD to take my life back and move it WAY AWAY from dear old MD!!!!! It's so cool to read that I bought one of the first of these tadpoles. It's like owning a still working Model T Ford that's been tucked away in a garage or barn somewhere!!

I also found out that my house has tripled in value since I bought it back in 2001! So NO, I am NOT "stupid" or "fat" or "lazy" or "deformed" or "ugly" as MD delighted in calling me! I have made shrewd investments, graduated college with honors, and have clawed my way out of abject poverty into a nice comfortable life with a nice comfortable pension. Not bad, I'd say! And I did it without one iota of help or support from my family!! All I got from them was shame, ridicule, and discouragement!

And all it took today was seeing an ad on TV that showed a recumbent trike that spurred and jolted my memories of happily riding my own trike down paved and winding bike paths, full of wildlife (squirrels and deer and even a bobcat or two), on a warm springtime early afternoon amidst deep woods and wide fields full of brilliantly blooming wild flowers. It was only difficult to decide to turn back. I'd ride effortlessly for hours. I want to feel that again! Hell, I'm not too old, and I'm not dead yet, either! Neighborhood rides first, then branch out. And maybe reach out to other "tadpole" recumbent fans, as well. These folks are really into them!

To see what I'm raving about, Google: American Landstrider trikes tadpole -- and look at the pictures of them. Mine is #13 (Built by Jake), one of the first he ever built! So to get back on it (after a bit of refurbishing after a loooong retirement), I'd like to think that this Springtime, give or take a month or so, would be a really nice goal.

========================================== Friday 12/8

I just joined up at another forum for weight loss! And, of course, weight loss support. Although I will not be leaving my friends on here, I'm feeling funny writing about my latest recipe on this forum, or thoughts on exercise or even gardening. I know you all patiently listen to me, and for that I am SO GRATEFUL to all of you. MD still haunts me a bit, in my decisions and so on, but she fades more and more into the background of who I am each day that goes by without seeing or hearing her in person spewing her criticisms at me. Thanks to all of you and a cussed persistence by me, I now realize that she cannot hurt me anymore without my permission!! And I have NO INTENTIONS of allowing that to happen EVER AGAIN!!! I'm an adult now, and I can keep MYSELF safe from her and her cruelty and harm! (With a little help from my friends.)

============================================ Saturday 12/9

I just read this over on a recipe site and WOW! Is it ever true!

I have been faithfully keto for about 4 months now and I am getting my body back. Not to mention how calm I feel.

I hadn't mentioned that yet on here IIRC, BUT it is SO true! I was attributing it all to leaving MD alone (and thereby not hearing her "feedback"), but now I'm hearing that a Keto diet helps with "brain fog" and soon gives a warm sense of calming peace. Just thought I'd mention that is exactly what my own experience has been. I know that taking at least 1 T. of liquid coconut oil in my food has greatly improved my skin; is it improving my mood, too?

I also found (through the new forum) several dynamite YouTube videos on Keto that have blown my mind! I can see that, for me, this is the way to go. I have just enough medical background (trained to be a nurse at the university level) to truly understand the workings of my health problems. What an eye opener! I can see just how far back my symptoms have stretched, too. "Gestational diabetes" I had with every pregnancy, but had no idea how serious it was nor how important it was for me to deal with it...right then! But it went away after the deliveries, and I forgot all about it. The doctor offhandedly mentioned briefly that my heart was enlarged maybe 20 yrs. ago, and then they said 5 yrs. later, "You have diabetes." That was 15 yrs. ago, and they merely followed it up with, "Oh yeah, and take these pills." Not a word about diet (which would have been the wrong "low fat, high carb" advice anyway) nor the dangers to my eyesight (impending blindness), the keeping of my toes and legs (amputation! ), nor my horribly increased risks of heart disease and/or stroke...and they never explained to me WHY this was or WHY this would happen, both so I knew what I was up against and so I might be able to DO something about it! Empower the patient, for Pete's sake!

Now I am learning about "Type 3 diabetes" aka Alzheimer's!! And I have to go to the internet to find out about that at all!! It all ties in together, and these good online doctors are proving it in very scientific terms. It's like being back in college again, but it's a lot more personal now. They even mentioned the Kreb's cycle the other night, and I took careful notice of it this time! I didn't need to memorize it for an upcoming test. This was for real, and this is my life!

But although I am now quite concerned for where I stand health-wise ATM, I am also experiencing a blissful calm (mood) and an uptake in energy that is so refreshing! MD is fading down the river of cognizant thoughts (thank God!), and I am no longer feeling the need for permission nor approval from anyone to think or do anything. It is freeing, to say the least. MD used that permission and approval as BAIT, but I never will. Thank goodness I had my dear grandparents as role models for the first 5 yrs. of my life (we lived on their property).

I had my son pull the HUGE 45 lbs. bag of Honeyville Almond Flour off the top shelf of my freezer, where it was inconveniently jammed in there about 6 months ago, and he gently put it on the kitchen counter. I'm about to go parcel it out into MUCH smaller Ziploc gallon bags and put it back into the freezer in those MUCH more convenient packages. I plan to use a LOT more of that almond flour and I want it to be easier to access. I just got a FABULOUS recipe for Fathead Dough (mozzarella cheese + cream cheese + almond flour). I can use it for freshly baked pizza crust, bagels, and crackers...all of which I have been missing a LOT. YUM! And I now have unburied my never-before-used, 16 yr. old KitchenAid stand mixer, so kneading the Fathead Dough will be a snap! This place is slowly taking shape! HUZZAH!!

Time to go tackle that 45 lbs. of almond flour!

I'm living proof that there is life after childhood abuse!!

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Wonderfully positive post to read Honeybera. Thank you for sharing

Look out wildlife trail next springtime!

[honeybera]

Hi Honeybera

It seems to me that you work real hard to do what's right for your dogs. That's such a loving way to be. I know it'll be very difficult when the time comes for Ms. T but you have support here. I like that you are making the most of your time with her. Enjoy it. Are you managing to get to sleep any earlier and change your sleep pattern?

I hope all is well with you.
Ashia

Hi Ashia! Thanks for asking after Ms. T. She's snoozing happily by my side in the dedicated doggie bed in my room. I just finished mopping and cleaning the floors and washing the full set of new dark red throw rugs from Penney's. They'd been sitting in a box in the hallway for about a year and a half until I lovingly took them out and put them on the floor a couple of months ago. Part of Ms. T's problem is that she's forgotten all of how to be housebroken, and those brand new throw rugs took a beating. It broke my heart! So I washed the throw rugs and bleach-water sprayed the bathroom floor, mopped it well, and set her up a large crate with her own throw rug (an old one and for the dogs) and some freshly washed blankets to snuggle in and keep warm. Her crate is in the family room next to the other dogs pen.

My problem is this: I love my old girl. She can't help what is happening to her. But I have some needs, too, to clean up this house and welcome in my new furniture into a fresh smelling room. I need this. I've worked for this and waited for this, but my room was smelling like a dog run.

BUT BUT BUT (and here's my dilemma) IF I simply put her into the pen with the other dogs (the pen with the doggie door into the backyard), she knows how to GO OUT, but not how to COME BACK IN. We could not figure out WHY she was sitting out there HOWLING at 3am or 4am! (I'm sure the neighbors wanted to choke us all! ) Well, our dear Ms. T was "lost" and frightened out there in her own yard, confused and crying, part of the dilemma of this awful disease. So she howled!

In addition, it's been REALLY cold (for here at least), dipping into the low 30s at night, and Ms. T is a short-haired dog with a literally bare stomach. She could easily freeze to death outside. So what to do?? The crate seems the answer, at least for times when I'm asleep and can't watch her. From about noon until dark (5pm), it's about 55-65ºF outside, and she goes outside with the other dogs. She wanders up and down the paths the dogs have made through my garden...ceaselessly. At least it's exercise, and sometimes she lays in the sunlight (Vit. D). My dear son said he'll try to retrain her to use the doggie door again, and we have high hopes for that. I've bought her a warm padded dog "jacket" for if she has to go out before bedtime (crate-time) at night to the backyard. It's on its way from Amazon. And I'm adding that small drop of coconut oil to her food. What more can I do? My thoughts are to make her as happy and healthy as possible until...well, you know.

But in the meantime, these are Golden Moments. Sometimes she's bouncy and full of the old Nick, and at other times she walks in small circles, stands and stares into space or a wall, or stumbles into a clumsy sit backwards. All these times are precious to me, though, and I'll miss her terribly. Gophers and rats feared this brave little dog! Cats and birds simply avoided our yard. No sound was too quiet for her to hear. She would defend her yard, her home, and us with her life. It's hard to see her ebb away like this.

One good thing I learned, though, was that she is pretty unaware of all this going on. She doesn't understand what is happening to her. And that is a rich blessing, believe me. That thought comforts me and keeps me from bawling all day and all night. There is even a specific name for it.

=========================================== 12/13 Wed.

We have settled our dilemma (thank God!!). Since I can't seem to get my sleep schedule to include any hours except 5 or 6am until 5 or 6pm, and poor old Ms. T's hours in the yard are from 11am-5pm (dark) and she needs her sunlight for health, and she needs to come in when it gets cold (days ~60ºF and after dark rapidly down to the low 30s which would be life threatening for a very short haired dog), ds and I have come up with the following plan/schedule for our elderly Ms. T: At about 11am, dear son feeds her a bowl full of her wet "puppy" food (she's so skinny nowadays), and then he puts her in the communal dog pen with dry food and water (all they can eat and drink - no limits) and a doggie door to the outside. Ms. T can navigate out, no problem, but cannot find her way back in (she's forgotten how). So she prowls the yard all day long, pad-pad-padding along, up and down the dog's yard and garden area, stopping at my "Window on the World" mirrored bedroom sliding glass door for a second, and then beginning her wandering loop around the grounds again...all day long, every day, but at least moving and in the sunlight and fresh air, and with all the other dogs. The trouble is that the other dogs know enough to come in when it gets cold or they need to eat or drink. T doesn't. She just can't remember how or why.

At about 5-6pm., I wake up and she is usually soon to be standing at my door again, I let her in, move the bathroom rugs in my bathroom into the tub (so she doesn't soil the new throw rugs and only the linoleum floor for easier cleaning), and eventually, after I give her several petting sessions and she nuzzles up against me, which makes all of this work and patience wildly worthwhile, she ends up in her doggie bed, snoozing away until about 1-2am, when I crate her next to the communal dog pen until the next morning when ds lets her out and feeds her...and on it goes.

So far, it's working like a champ! She is blissfully oblivious to there being any problems. And it's one helluva lot of work and worry, but when she passes, it won't be as hard to take because I'm giving her love while she's here and with us. One lady whose dog had CCD (Doggie Alzheimer's) decided that when her dog no longer recognized her, she'd have "Cricket" "put to sleep", only Cricket didn't GO to sleep, even after they'd given her a double shot to euthanize her! "She was still alert!", the lady said. This woman, who loved her dog dearly, had to sit with Cricket in her lap as shot after shot was given! She said that if she could have changed her mind after the first two shots didn't do it, she would have. I cannot imagine the horror she went through, trying to "do the right thing" for her beloved companion. It took SIX TIMES the amount normally given to finally put her down. And her dog was the same breed as my own dear T.

I don't care about what we have to endure, spoon feeding her or cleaning up the mess after a non-ambulatory dog. Son and I both agree that we'll care for her until the end, and the end will be here, not at the vet's office! No matter how bad it gets! I have (in nurse's training) even wrapped a dead body for the Morgue! Caring for my grandparents (who both suffered from dementia and incontinence at the end of their lives when I was their only caregiver at age 26 with no training or family assistance) and later as a nurse's aid and nurse, I've cleaned up so many things from every orifice known to man. Caring for my dear dog should be no worse. I can handle it and do it with love. ♥Ms. T♥

I'm going to send this now. Thank GOD I don't have MD harping on me about how wrong I am about everything and how I should just let go of everything, including Ms. T. I think I'm better off just letting go of MD!!

And thank God I have all of you, my friends, to at least share this with. {{{{{{{{{{group hug, if ok!!}}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Wonderfully positive post to read Honeybera. Thank you for sharing

Look out wildlife trail next springtime!

Ah YES! I must remember all the positives, too! I can vividly recall those paved trails winding out in farmland and woods, so far out in the country, but not too far from the big city where I worked, driving the transit bus. Whenever I rode my trike (with many shouts of "COOL BIKE!" following me), I saw some form of wildlife, usually squirrels who would leap onto the path right in front of me and race along in front of my trike until they'd suddenly turn off and rush into the brush or woods. Delightful!! Oftentimes, deer would do the same thing, only they were MUCH BIGGER and would spring along in front of me, startled, and bound along like that for some short time before making a great leap to the other side of the trail and bounce across a meadow and GONE.

I've also seen a HUGE rattlesnake, curled and rattling, ready to strike. I had stopped my bike to enjoy the bucolic, peaceful, morning time view, and suddenly I heard it: a slow tsch, tsch, tsch!!! He sounded like he was very near my right ankle. Then I saw him about 2' away from me. I gingerly pulled my rump up onto the seat without moving my feet and let my bike roll slowly down the slight grade I was on. SAFE!!! I saw another bike coming the other way and yelled as we passed, "There's a big rattlesnake up ahead!", and he said thanks and kept riding. I saw him later on coming back. He was a very tall American Indian looking fellow, and he said that it was indeed a rattler, and that he'd taken a large stick and moved it away from the trail. Happy for all of us!

And OH! THE TARANTULAS!! Every September, all of the boy tarantulas are out of their hidey-holes looking for a Prom date! My trike seat is very low slung, leaving not too much clearance for a love-struck tarantula to be missed by me! Add to that the two front wheels and one back wheel on my tadpole trike, and it would make my trike riding rather interesting and gave it a bit of a daredevil feel! And it wasn't like it was one or two per ride...NO, it was literally THOUSANDS of them, crawling across the road in their creepy gait, all looking for love! UGH! During these times, other bikers would hit a few accidentally[?], leaving their remains scattered along the path. Not a good time to ride, really. Pretty grim...

And twice I saw a bobcat!! Lazing in the sun...I came upon him suddenly, around a turn! Just the sight of him convinced me to stop! I quietly turned my bike around (I was still on my bike at the time - hadn't bought my trike yet), and vamoose in the other direction immediately! And then there were the horses. A big party ranch, complete with hay rides drawn by these beautiful white horses! I would ride by their corrals when the horses were there. The corrals were right on the bike trail, and I always brought them carrots and sugar cubes. Believe me, when I pulled up to the fence, they came over!! (I also brought carrots to the horses where I parked my bus for one route's layover. I love horses!)

===============================================

A bit off the subject, but I found that I have NO CHIVE SEEDS! I make my Faux Mashed Potatoes with cauliflower and chives, and my ChaCha chives (from Burpee Seeds) are out of stock ATM. I looked all over the place for more chives to plant, but I can find none, even by clearing off part of the hobby room sideboard (giving me more room to plant things!! ). Suddenly, I am finding myself itching to get back out into the garden again...PLUS get things growing in here, too, under the grow lights. I have 3 new trees in my garage that need unpacking "YESTERDAY"!! But I need to prep the backyard first - like killing the nasty bamboo that I planted, thinking that it was a "clumper" and NOT a runner, which it was. What a nightmare that has been!!!!! Worse than the whippy weeds!! They "ground out the stump", but it's springing up all over the place, even in my raised beds! I need to take care of that before I do any outdoor planting. But those new bareroot trees (one Moonglow pear, one Harrow Delight pear, and one Honeycrisp apple - yes, I'm trying again with the Honeycrisp!! ) need some TLC out there in the garage. Although it's cool out there, these trees need to be in the ground, or at least into a large pot to start! But I keep sleeping through the whole day! Maybe just writing this to you will give me the incentive to "just do it". One step at a time...

Inside, my new 6 strawberry plants are growing nicely so far, even sending out runners. Like I said, my ChaCha chives are nearly kaput, but I'm about to order more, and of course, STUDY all about chives: varieties, how to raise them, what companion plants they like (and they like nearly all of them ), and what I'm finding is that NOW is the right time to get them under the grow lights as seeds so they're ready to plant in late Jan. - March. And I'm not ready yet! Oh well...Mark Twain (getting started advice)!

And tomorrow is THE DAY that I've told them to deliver my new furniture, but the hallway is still full (mostly my son's stuff from his room and gardening equipment that I can't/shouldn't put into the still messy/unorganized garage), nor have I unloaded my VCR/CD/DVD storage shelves turned convenient-place-to-put-things yet, nor have I unloaded the chair in my room (read: complete mess, piled high with "stuff" that needs sorting to be put away and then we toss the chair out [donate]). These things sit in my way, blocking me from getting my new furniture. But instead of doing something about it, I gather more recipes or putter around doing something else, never really facing the fact that the furniture is coming. I can only guess that this "hoarding" behavior and the obvious unwillingness to correct it by just doing it comes from MD and my "upbringing".

What I am is my parent's fault, but if I stay that way, it's MY fault.

Reality is that MD is an 88 yr. old woman in a nursing home, and although I'm the PRODUCT of her raising me, I am still responsible for the state of my own home. And I know this! So why oh why am I fighting getting my own furniture? I just talked this over with my ds, and we're going to do this together tomorrow. I'm going to go to bed now so I can get up at a decent hour and at least begin to sort out that backyard, and then come in and BEGIN to sort out this medium (but somehow horribly overwhelming [to me anyway]) task that is blocking both my ds and I. My heart goes out to those hoarders on TV that are worse off than me, and I can see how I came to this. I can see so clearly how her shaming me constantly caused me to be like this, but I'm not out of the race yet, and ds said that he'll help me move things out of my room and make way for the new furniture to come in (and I pray that he does). My cookbook can wait for a few days. One step at a time. This has to be done.

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Glad you can do all you are for Ms T. As you say, her passing will be painful yet mitigated by knowing that she had your (and son's) best care

Totally identify with pottering rather than tackling the really big and important stuff

May your new furniture not only have a home ready for items but provide impetus to what needs to be done, being done

Wishing you a very productive weekend

[honeybera]

It's ok now. I called the furniture company today when they opened (and before I finally went to sleep at noon) and cancelled today's delivery, rescheduled for Jan. 4th, giving myself 3 more weeks to disassemble the tape storage units in my room (and the chair, too), clear a path in the hallway for the delivery, and clear a path in the garage, too. As I work towards the delivery date at whatever pace I do it, I will also try to figure out the WHY of all this! You'd think that I don't want my new furniture, but nothing could be further from the truth. Something is stopping me cold, though, something very powerful that I just can't put my finger on. If I just stay the course and stay busy doing what I can, the WHY will come to me. It always does. I've been battling this sort of thing all my life...and winning. I don't intend to stop that process now. I'll be damned if I'm going to allow MD (or her memory) to stop me now.

I can see what I need to do: stop worrying about MD and what she's doing or thinking or about to say to me to degrade me and shame me and any efforts that I am having or even considering. I need to let go of HER fears of being "better than" and just be good to myself! I don't care if she has nothing but a room now with her meals served and that getting something nice is now and has always been out of the question for me or she feels that it deserves her jealousy and the close behind it WRATH and pummeling!! BUT she can no longer punish me or look down on any accomplishments that I may make. Am I afraid that I'm getting "too uppity" by getting myself something nice, like new furniture? (HOW DARE I??!!)

And I am not lazy, either, although I am kind of slow, but I am 71 now. As I lose weight, I'm getting quicker and I'm walking MUCH better these days. My joint pain in my back and shoulders is nearly GONE! And honestly, it's not that big of a mess to prepare for the furniture delivery! It's NOT like "Hoarders" on TV where there's junk piled up to the ceiling! We're talking about a half dozen cardboard boxes up against one wall in the hallway, 2 tall DVD storage racks (loaded with books or snacks), one of which my ds wants for his room (videogame storage for him), + a chair that has things piled up on the seat, mostly with stuff I've ordered from Amazon filling the actual seat area, and it's topped off with a medium sized cardboard box with my muu-muus in it (waiting for the dresser). Also there's the garage, and if my son helps me, IF WE COULD JUST CLEAR SOME SHELVES OFF and sort through a few boxes and bleach-water the shelves thoroughly to avoid disease from the desiccated rat poop, place the gardening stuff on the cleaned shelves, and move a bike or piece of old furniture aside, I COULD GET MY NEW FURNITURE! And I hope to have it all done by Jan. 4th. The "mess" is not that bad, really. What's stopping me is my own AVOIDANCE of the situation!!

My God, this is therapeutic!! "Journaling" like this is so helpful to me! Writing it all out helps me to think things through that are giving me fits trying to decipher my twisted way of thinking about things. It's not my fault that I'm like this, I didn't twist my own way of thinking, but I have a deep need to unravel those thoughts, examine them through my adult eyes, give myself lots of positive affirmations and self love, and MOVE ON! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this website in which to express myself and to do this in a safe place! I am grateful!!

OK then...Mark Twain. What's first? (And while I'm considering that, I will read a bit in my C-PTSD book so I can continue to be POSITIVE and not so fearful of MD or her violent moods and jealousies!! SHE'S AN OLD DECREPIT WOMAN IN A NURSING HOME, UNABLE TO GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MY DEAR BROTHER'S ASSISTANCE! And now that he has all of her money, and it's been invested into real estate, far from me and her so neither of us could ever trouble him about it, HE IGNORES HER! I say: Just desserts!!! ) But now there's MY life, and how I wish to live it, and what I choose to give myself. My new furniture? A nice, pretty, and abundant garden? A clean and organized home? Well...YES!! I've done nothing to hurt any of them, and I can defend my own self now!!! I am SAFE from her from now on and can give myself anything that I wish without fear of shaming or sabotage - only I can shame or sabotage me, and I'll be damned if I deserve that!

I am hungry, so I believe I will get something to eat. Keto really helps keep the hunger at bay, but occasionally, I do have to eat. I have some kitchen work to do (daily chores), and then I'm going to begin on cleaning out the computer/storage room so I'll have a place to put the contents of the CD storage shelves in my room. Yes, I like that. Clear out some stuff to put wanted stuff away. Works for me! Then turn on my music in the front room (I like Oldies ) and sort the rest of the clothes in there for donations.

======================================================

WOOT!!! I cleared my kitchen sideboard!!!!!!!!!! I'm about ready to make my first Faux Mashed Potatoes (Cauliflower) in my "new" RED Breville Sous Chef Food Processor! (I've had it for about 2 yrs. already, but never used it yet and it's still got some of the packaging left on it. ) This thing is a MONSTER! "Heavy duty" just doesn't do it justice! Last night surfing the net, I learned that the REAL WAY to make steamed cauliflower into the Faux Mashed Potatoes that everyone is raving about is to do it in the FOOD PROCESSOR, so I cleared the sideboard, putting a lot of those formerly cluttered things on the new wire shelves. It looks so neat, like Chef Honeybera has arrived!! It is GORGEOUS, if I do say so myself! I'm very proud of the way it looks!

Now all I have to do is go online now and figure out HOW TO OPERATE this thing!! Honestly though, no joke! I have no idea what to do with it...well, how to OPERATE it. Safely! The cauliflower is cooked and is softly perfect: not mushy, but not under-cooked either. Now I need to figure out how to disassemble the MONSTER, RE-assemble it, and how to whirl up a Faux Potato treat for the boy and myself. YUM! I'm also going to attempt to make that almond flour bread in my blender! Soon this will be old hat for me, but for now it's a HUGE learning experience! I haven't really COOKED much since my Welfare days, but this is a whole new endeavor! When I used to make rice, I made rice. Nowadays to make rice, I'll use cauliflower "riced" in my new Veggie Bullet (which hasn't been used yet, but is unpacked and ready to go on my nice clean sideboard) and sauté it in butter + coconut oil. It's a whole new world!

I'm off now to figure out my new Food Processor. I'm also washing all the now-soiled-with-DUST clothing and bedding for donations, lessening that pile of things in the family room. I may try to get ds out into the garage tomorrow to square away those rat poop/shelf items and increase my CLEAN storage space. I believe that I have about 160 square feet of storage out there (not counting the empty cabinet with doors out there), and all my gardening equipment and household tools can be stored happily there on those shelves in containers, even some bedding I have stored in space bags in the computer room. I'm making some real progress!

But first things first...

Honeybera I am SOOO blessed!!!

[honeybera]

Glad you can do all you are for Ms T. As you say, her passing will be painful yet mitigated by knowing that she had your (and son's) best care

Exactly! She is laying directly at my feet as I type. I will miss her, but she is actually rallying a bit. We are encouraged by that greatly! We make sure she's getting some outside time daily and plenty of good food and water and a drop or two of coconut MCT oil + lots and lots of closeness and companionship with us. It seems to help somewhat. The inevitable will be here soon enough, but in the meantime, we'll do our best with her. I'm also trying to give enough attention to the others as well. They're good girls.

Totally identify with pottering rather than tackling the really big and important stuff

Puttering is one thing. What I'm doing is AVOIDANCE, pure and simple. A good dose of Pete Walker (C-PTSD book) and getting up out of this computer chair are wonderful starts towards "getting ahead" ala Mark Twain. But as I said earlier, progress is being made, and that's what makes me happy with myself. Otherwise, I find myself "just laying around", often in bed, worrying and fretting about what's not getting done, and for me, that's the biggest exercise in futility. Doing the small things as I see them right in front of me (the epitome of puttering for me) is a GOOD thing! I chip away at it, and I'm seeing great results in that! There's something to be said for puttering. As long as my puttering brings me to completion of that slightly cluttered hallway and the storage racks and chair by Jan. 3rd, I'm good, because it = a Jan. 4th delivery date, and that's my ultimate goal! YIPPEE!

May your new furniture not only have a home ready for items but provide impetus to what needs to be done, being done

Dear Fleur, it already is. This is a BIG chest of drawers and it needs space to come down the hallway. The nightstand is fairly large, too. We cannot have anything in that hallway to block the way. Same thing in the garage because it will come through the garage into the hobby room and down the hallway to my bedroom. That is why I've had to ask them for a later delivery date so many times! I've even got the glass guy calling me and asking when they can come out for the glass table tops.

And the chest of drawers will be filled immediately! I already know where everything will go, and it shouldn't take long to fill it up. And the nightstand (as I see it now) will be for bedding storage and will hold my red fountain/waterfall on top once the glass is in place (love that peaceful trickling sound). It's one of the boxes in the hallway. I've had it for a couple of years now. All the rest in the hallway goes into the garage (NOT just thrown out there like others have done, but on the cleaned and sanitized shelves in bins) because it is all gardening or household stuff, making the garage the permanent home for such things. So once it's done, IT'S DONE. The hallway will no longer be for storage, even temporarily.

This is a big home, but even so, it's too small for all this clutter! I am evolving it seems...and thank heavens for that! But I can't have anyone (like MD) shaming me while I try to get my head above water. I'm just not strong enough yet. Alone I'm fine, but not one whiff of criticism will be tolerated, and MD loves to dish it out, even now (if I'd let her, which I won't)!

Oh, BTW, I ran across those material samples for the lawn swing covers - really pretty! I've decided that I want something solid on the seat, maybe a rich dark green, with a brightly striped canopy on top to match. I found this lady who hand-crafts them and uses only Sunbrella fabrics with a 10 yr. warranty on them. It's finally getting to be the right time of year for that. I have been waiting for this time to come. Maybe in a month or two I'll contact her. THIS IS FUN!!

The reason that this is so satisfying for me is that this is the lawn swing frame with tattered and ripped canopy and seat that my dear brother left for me as my sole inheritance from my parent's estate. At first I resented it, and he wouldn't come and pick it up when I refused it, but now I find that the frame is the most favorite lawn swing ever built (from Costco), and this canopy lady specializes in this exact model. So... and 3 neeners!! I will take my lemons and make them into lemonade = a beautiful lawn swing in my garden, custom built for me just like I want it, and peace in my heart!! There's nothing better...! Oh yes, and after Summer's over, the canopy and seats are removable and into the nice clean garage they'll go, space-bagged and binned until the next Spring. HUZZAH!!!

Wishing you a very productive weekend

And the same to you, dear heart! I haven't heard much about Soxy and how he's doing in the new place. Please let me know how he's doing and what equipment is at his disposal in your new yard. And let me know how you are doing, too (if ok). {{{{{Fleur}}}}}

Now...to learn how to operate the MONSTER of a food processor waiting for me in my kitchen! It should make that steamed cauliflower into something special with added Oaxacan sour cream (the BEST!) and added chives and butter...OMG, I'm outta here! :9 YUM!!

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Thanks for sharing how life is for you right now

Really like your plans re storage in garage, for all those necessary gardening items

As you say, frees up space in house

Wishing you very well as you start using specialist kitchen/chef equipment

Soxy is OK. Ta for asking. Haven't got him anything but he enjoys exploring in and around boxes, bags

I need some medical investigation according to the new GP I saw first yesterday. Don't know his nationality/heritage but he's very caring, thorough and considerate

Am very tired and achy. Dr says due to low iron and pain levels

The last time I went to this city's hospital I was 11. Had appendix removed. Cut short family camping holiday. Very much doubt they'll have kept records from the late 60s

Cheering you on from across the ocean - hoping we can each disconnect from respective parental negativity

Bye for now

[honeybera]

Hi Honeybera

It seems to me that you work real hard to do what's right for your dogs. That's such a loving way to be. I know it'll be very difficult when the time comes for Ms. T but you have support here. I like that you are making the most of your time with her. Enjoy it. Are you managing to get to sleep any earlier and change your sleep pattern?

I hope all is well with you.
Ashia

Hi Ashia! Thanks for asking after Ms. T. She's snoozing happily by my side in the dedicated doggie bed in my room. I just finished mopping and cleaning the floors and washing the full set of new dark red throw rugs from Penney's. They'd been sitting in a box in the hallway for about a year and a half until I lovingly took them out and put them on the floor a couple of months ago. Part of Ms. T's problem is that she's forgotten all of how to be housebroken, and those brand new throw rugs took a beating. It broke my heart! So I washed the throw rugs and bleach-water sprayed the bathroom floor, mopped it well, and set her up a large crate with her own throw rug (an old one and for the dogs) and some freshly washed blankets to snuggle in and keep warm. Her crate is in the family room next to the other dogs pen.

My problem is this: I love my old girl. She can't help what is happening to her. But I have some needs, too, to clean up this house and welcome in my new furniture into a fresh smelling room. I need this. I've worked for this and waited for this, but my room was smelling like a dog run.

BUT BUT BUT (and here's my dilemma) IF I simply put her into the pen with the other dogs (the pen with the doggie door into the backyard), she knows how to GO OUT, but not how to COME BACK IN. We could not figure out WHY she was sitting out there HOWLING at 3am or 4am! (I'm sure the neighbors wanted to choke us all! ) Well, our dear Ms. T was "lost" and frightened out there in her own yard, confused and crying, part of the dilemma of this awful disease. So she howled!

In addition, it's been REALLY cold (for here at least), dipping into the low 30s at night, and Ms. T is a short-haired dog with a literally bare stomach. She could easily freeze to death outside. So what to do?? The crate seems the answer, at least for times when I'm asleep and can't watch her. From about noon until dark (5pm), it's about 55-65ºF outside, and she goes outside with the other dogs. She wanders up and down the paths the dogs have made through my garden...ceaselessly. At least it's exercise, and sometimes she lays in the sunlight (Vit. D). My dear son said he'll try to retrain her to use the doggie door again, and we have high hopes for that. I've bought her a warm padded dog "jacket" for if she has to go out before bedtime (crate-time) at night to the backyard. It's on its way from Amazon. And I'm adding that small drop of coconut oil to her food. What more can I do? My thoughts are to make her as happy and healthy as possible until...well, you know.

But in the meantime, these are Golden Moments. Sometimes she's bouncy and full of the old Nick, and at other times she walks in small circles, stands and stares into space or a wall, or stumbles into a clumsy sit backwards. All these times are precious to me, though, and I'll miss her terribly. Gophers and rats feared this brave little dog! Cats and birds simply avoided our yard. No sound was too quiet for her to hear. She would defend her yard, her home, and us with her life. It's hard to see her ebb away like this.

One good thing I learned, though, was that she is pretty unaware of all this going on. She doesn't understand what is happening to her. And that is a rich blessing, believe me. That thought comforts me and keeps me from bawling all day and all night. There is even a specific name for it.

UPDATE: Ms. T is MUCH better these days. She's walking better, and is even (sort of) coming to us whenever we call her. I can let her out into the backyard, even in the cold, and set my timer for 5 minutes, allowing her to go outside instead of on my carpeting or bathroom linoleum, making my life much easier. It's hard for me to bend down that far to clean it up. I've been doing this about every 4 hours or so. I've also got a small jug of water and a small plate of food inside the crate for the times that she has to be crated AND I've allowed the best way to feed her (and the others, too) the enriched canned food that they all love. I use paper plates often for the Boy and I, so why not reuse them (the dogs don't care and it saves me a bit of $$$). I put the food down on paper plates on the throw rug next to my Window on the World and allow them to come in one by one and be fed. Water is in the bathroom, and once one has eaten, I set the alarm for 15 min. before I put that one out and bring in the next one. It's easy, they each get a meal and a loving pet from me, and it also puts me, "the manager", in control of the situation. I also try to allow Ms. T the run of the yard all day until dark, and by nightfall, she's fairly pooped out and heads for her bed with minimal "wandering". I strategically place my trash cans so they block her from most of the room, so if she has an accident, it probably will be in the bathroom (again, easy clean up).

So with this I am happy. This is doable.

Dear son and I managed to "fix" the Veggie Bullet (thank heavens!); I paid way too much for that for it not to work! It turns out that one of our most used outlets is kaput! I also plan to make bread today for the first time...well, since my son has been alive! I'm also sharing meals with him, and he says he likes them. I bought some potatoes for him to have with his meals (although I can't share them). I'm getting really good at Keto Gravy and have been having that with the meat. Pan gravy...OMG! And now I'm going to attempt BREAD (made with almond flour). Wish me luck! I'm going to make it in the blender, of all places! On the video, it looked like real bread, so my hopes are high. I just don't want them to be dashed! (Learned helplessness!)

Also, as I am studying all about insulin and how it works (where fat is stored and moods/brain function, etc.), it is becoming crystal clear to me for just how long this dread disease has been creeping up on me! I've had all the symptoms for AGES! I even had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant in 1967, 1976, and 1986. You'd think that they'd explain it to me, but they didn't. They just said that it would "go away" after my deliveries...and it DID, BUT not really! I went to college to become an RN during all this, and I remember studying for the exams on all of these things in Anatomy and Physiology and even Chemistry (both organic and inorganic), but they were about other people, NOT ME! It was THEM. THEY had diabetes, whatever that was, and it had something to do with insulin. Wow. How dumb was I?? I should have listened more closely.

Only now, at 71 and as a diagnosed full blown diabetic for the last 16 yrs., am I getting the real answers, and it also harkens back to my childhood and my C-PTSD and my fears of my sociopathic MD and all the abuse she laid on me. I'm learning for the first time that cortisol, the stress hormone, causes insulin to increase in the bloodstream, and insulin turned all my food into fat. I'll bet that I was semi-insulin resistant even then! MD delighted in ridiculing me, calling me names, like "Big Fat Nellie with the Big Fat Belly". And I wasn't even fat! Not then anyway. But it became a self-fulfilling prophecy! As I ponder on all this, I can see just how MD manipulated me and sabotaged me. It still upsets me that she would cause me to be outrageously STRESSED, releasing the hormone that would cause an increase in insulin and thereby fat storage, and then shame me for "being fat", which I wasn't, but that didn't stop her. She's pure EVIL! Dr. Phil speaks of your family being your soft place to land. Well, not in my case. NEVER in my case! Not even to this day!!

In 2009-2010, when N was here and I lost those 93 lbs. without effort, my biggest question was, "How did that happen? WHY did that happen??" I believe that the answer is (and was)...that I was HAPPY. I felt a sense of belonging and an inner peace with N that was wonderful. I felt acceptance from him just as I was, and the weight just fell away. I knew that it would end eventually and that he would have to leave, and for that reason I cried a lot, but not from UNHAPPINESS, but rather because I had finally found someone who I could be happy with and that it was destined to END! (The funny thing is that it never happened, not even now; he never really "left", and we still have the good, solid friendship that we've always had. However, the FEAR of ABANDONMENT rarely left me, and I'd cry even when I also felt happy and accepted. Thanks MD!)

The other day, as I walked down my hallway here, I felt that old 2010 feeling again of "floating on air" that I had when I walked across the parking lot at my job, and I attributed it to N, but he is nowhere around right now! Hmm. I have lost over 5 lbs. so far, and I'm losing it all over (face, stomach, knees, arms and back). IT'S FINALLY COMING OFF AGAIN! It feels like I've lost a lot more, but the edema is almost gone, and my shoulder pain is GONE unless I really strain it! So is my lower back pain. I'm sleeping about 9-10 hrs./day (and that's DEEP and peaceful sleep).

I'm really glad that I have this "safe place to land" whenever I need it. Truly a blessing, especially when I get hit like I did this morning with the true realization of the cortisol-insulin connection and why my stomach has never been flat due to EXTREME DAILY ON-GOING STRESS!! that I couldn't escape, given out freely by the demented MD! What a gal! Not just the beatings, but she managed to literally mess me up both in my head and in my body!! And then tease and make fun of me relentlessly!! BTW, according to my dear brother, she is over 200lbs. now! In 2011, when my father died, she weighed a mere 113! While I was still talking to her, she was complaining about being "pre-diabetic" and having "a rash under her breasts". Well DUH! She eats candy all the time and sits around and watches Gunsmoke on TV! I have been fighting that "rash" she was complaining about (intertrigo) for years. Heavy people get it. Welcome to MY world!!

Well, I've shared with all of you. I need to just TRY and make that bread now. I also had the three bareroot trees (my first two pears and one apple) in the garage now, needing to be outside, heeled in, and watered until we can plant them for real. We need to get rid of the bamboo first (or at least as well as we can for now); the bamboo was cut down, but now the runners are going everywhere!! So...bread first, and then the trees (I already have a place to put them) and probably then B-E-D since I've been up since 9pm last night! I have GOT TO knock this day sleeping off! I'm trying to stay awake until 5-6pm tonight...or even 7pm.

TaTa for now! TTFN!

Honeybera