SUPER LONG! EVEN FOR ME! But really good. Even for me. Forgive me. Lots to dump over several days...
Hello Jonesy and Fleur! Your comments make
me happy, too. And accepted. And like I'm on the right track here.
N. called me to say that he "donated" his chickens to a nice family in his neighborhood with two little girls that are thrilled to have the chickens as their pets and layers (NOT fryers!) so he is now able to travel to wherever to work. That was difficult for him. It was like having a bird in a cage to keep you company in a lovely, but almost sterile house, and then having a situation come up and have to let even that comfort go. He's on the road again by at least late March if not sooner - sad for him, sad for me. He only has to do this for 4 more years, and he'll maintain his new home until then while living wherever he's working. He can raise more chickens then. But he's always got his friend here to talk to, and I think that gives him comfort, too. I hope so at least.
I have to be honest here. All is not perfect in my world at this time. I am so grateful that I have this forum to dump the nastiness whenever it comes up. The other night, my son, also an autistic (it runs in families and certainly in mine - father's side - Mommy Dearest is just OCD) got really angry (read:
enraged) with me. Autistics have a tendency to get frustrated and rush to anger quickly, and although my son is usually calm, he does rarely get really upset with me, and when he does, it's truly frightening, especially for me! He seems kind of irked at everything at this time, but he really went off on me the other night!! He accepted the job of helping me plant those bare root trees and I paid him already, but he is very irked about actually doing it. He grouses at every step, complaining about his back hurting and how I should be clearing out the front room first so he can build and set up this huge wooden table I bought for him so he can have his Dungeons and Dragons game at our house. So he started to destroy the boxes I was saving to box up my donations, and when I saw that, I asked him why and to stop doing that. That's when he blew, and his face contorted, and he was enraged. Scared the hell out of me! He was yelling at me like I was his kid, and not the other way around. We were supposed to go to the lawyer's office today to take care of some legal issues around my 2013 Living Trust and Special Needs Trust, where he is the sole beneficiary - and I cancelled the appt. until March 4th. I want some time to think about trusting my son anymore. The fear he put in me has stopped me dead in my tracks.
Do you know the trouble I'm having? Trying to decide who would then be my beneficiary. I don't know a soul that I'd want to leave anything to. How friggin' sad is THAT??!! And who would take care of my dogs?? Maybe my son and I will make up. Who knows? But I do know that to stop his violent ranting that I had to remind him in a quiet, low, and determined voice, "This is domestic abuse, son!!", and that calmed him down somewhat. Talk about killing the Golden Goose! He just doesn't get it.
He left after his rant, and then came home at about 10am the next morning. I told him I'd like to clear the air and talk with him. I let him know that this is my house and not his. He said it made him mad that I had complained to N. that he was playing videogames in his underwear instead of helping me with the garden. (I did say that in the "privacy" of my own room, but he listened through the door. He denies that, and said that my voice carries more than I think, first saying that he heard me in his room and then changed it to through the "thin" walls in the kitchen - but my house is like a U shape with my room at the lower left base of the U and my kitchen at the upper right side and my house is 2100 sq. ft.! That's a long LONG way apart to hear me speaking quietly to N!!) In fact, he demanded that I never say anything negative about him playing videogames EVER! Since I rarely do anyway (and even
he agrees that "I never do"), I said ok. And he helped me in the garden yesterday...grudgingly.
What happens when I am old(er) and more feeble and can't help myself? Is this the guy who's going to come through for me and care nicely for me? I have my doubts. I think I may end up in a nice nursing home just like my mean old mother, but for me voluntarily. I will have a dog. I hope to outlive at least 3 of them that I have now. Grizzly thoughts.
But I have to be honest. This is what's been going on in my perfect little world with the new bare root trees and my garden. I can tend it once it's in, but no longer can I just put it in myself...and I am alone again. It seems to me that I am less to him than his videogames and sitting around in his underwear. Bitter pill to swallow. But at least I have a plan B. Sell the house when it's time and move to the Old Folk's Home. Ugh.
But not today!! Grousing or not, I need some help on my garden. I hope to plant at least two more trees today. Even if I have to do it myself!! And I may. Or not. Don't know yet. My donut peaches are going in! Even one peach this year would be nice. Tomorrow I'm moving what N and I called the "icky-sticky", a rare Australian lime called a Finger Lime that died (what a shame!), digging it up and planting a 4n1 apple for pollination over in the dog's yard. Some of the fun is gone out of what should have been a delight. Oh well.
Life never seems to be perfect. I feel like my job is to make it tolerable. I have told my T over the years that every time I get my ducks lined up in a row, somebody kicks the crap out of my ducks! My answer? Just keep lining them back up.
What else can I do?
Honeybera
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PS. Things are improving at a rapid clip between my son and I. Thank God! Tonight as I was fixing a roast (and it smells yummy right now), my son came in to put my full super heavy Le Creuset® roaster in the oven for me and noticed a Subconjunctival hemorrhage (broken blood vessel) in my right eye. He even took a picture of it for me. I'm now through with Kaiser's HMO Opt. Dept!!! I'm going to go travel 75 miles and see my old reliable and trustworthy eye doctor of the last 30+ yrs. and either pay him out of my own pocket, see if Medicare will offset some of the cost, or take that Care Credit financing.
He can dilate my eyes and see what is going on in there or whatever he needs to do. Kaiser said that I have uncorrectable cataracts in both eyes, and even though I can't SEE with the new glasses, I should "just wear them for a couple of weeks so my brain can get used to them" . I've been to them 8 different times over several years and each time has been a disaster for me. Even with my commercial driver's license they screwed up (paperwork done incorrectly by their "
Occupational Medicine doctor" and the DMV sent it back to me to have them fill it out again
properly - so what else does this guy do!!?? They're lame in every dept. there!), and my breast biopsy was a real horror show for me - and they told me that even though it was benign, they still wanted to operate! I would never EVER allow them to put drops in my eyes and make a "conclusion". NONSENSE!! They'd probably grab the sulfuric acid by mistake and blind me, then adding a "so sorry about that", and what could I do at that point? No, absolutely NO trust there! You'd think they'd at least get it right once in 8 tries!!
So I'm calling my old eye doctor tomorrow and get the real skinny on this.
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My son and I both have an eye appointment on Tuesday for an eye exam and for me they will dilate my eyes and check on both diabetic retinopathy and macular degeneration (AMD). Also new prescriptions for our glasses. I also want to know if my cataracts even exist, and my former eye doctor takes both Medicare (ds and I both have that) and Care Credit for me if I need cataract surgery because I'll be damned if Kaiser is getting another crack at me! "Thrive" my ass!! They are such inept losers!!!
My son is starting to communicate with me re: gardening. We should have a tree or two planted by tomorrow. I don't think he is now nor will he ever be a real gardening enthusiast like I am, but he is trying hard to be a bit more cheerful and helpful. And I am very grateful for that.
I have everything done except to decide
exactly where the trees will be planted. It's
really important because it's a very permanent move, but I also have to remember the impatience of Mother Nature herself. She's a very strict taskmaster with no wiggle room. Those trees should have been in the ground already. But they'll probably be in by the time it rains again on Friday or Saturday and still be just fine. I will breathe such a huge sigh of relief once they're in and stabilizing, and then get back to my donations and cleaning the front room. One step at a time. (And with a nice big "Attagirl!!" to myself each step of the way.)
Today we just prepped - and I had my son pull a "root" I pulled up with my Cobra Hoe (aka The Steel Fingernail - a GREAT and very useful tool in the garden!) and it pulled and pulled! Buried under about 6" of dirt and about the diameter of a quarter, it was a runner from this bamboo! It was supposed to be a "clumper" bamboo (non-runner/won't spread), but I think the nursery lied to N and I. This root I happened upon was at least 25' from the tree and more than 6' long!!
I think I'm going to get rid of that whole mess that the bamboo tree is causing. I know it won't be easy, but I want another fruit tree there. Maybe a pear or an Asian pear (those are SO good!!) planted closely together for pollination. Lots of pruning, picking, and watering plus fertilizer every so often. Weed control, too! But with a little help with the really heavy chores, I can do it! And NO MORE BAMBOO! Dangerous stuff that!!
The raised beds are about to be filled with soil and nutrients and planted (I'm trying peas first), and I've just about decided where the pole beans will go (near the fence with lots of sun, but not quite yet - too early for those). I have a large shoebox FULL of all sorts of exotic and "favorite" seeds, so I'm not going to order more fresh seeds for this year.
AND I need to prune everything, some things more than others. My Weeping Santa Rosa Plum is in FULL bloom and it is chock full of brilliant white blossoms that have popped out everywhere on every branch! It has the attention of lots and lots of honey bees (hence lots and lots of sugar-sweet plums in July!), but it also has a H-U-G-E sucker that's formed from the peach rootstock that has been growing for years. It's nearly as big a "tree" as the WSR Plum itself, but it's not a good or flavorful peach and it hasn't blossomed yet, so I'm going to cut it back severely!! Maybe half of the offending peach sucker, leaving the rest for next year's pruning. It will give my WSR Plum the advantage it needs to thrive in a kinder and more nurturing environment with watering and fertilizer and micronutrients. It's the best plum I've ever eaten!
I've saved all my egg cartons for seed starting, and I'm going to be planting my tomatoes soon. I'll fill the entire egg carton with starting soil, then drop in the seeds and mark the top to say which kind of seeds I've planted. I especially want to try those rarely seen (at least in this part of the country) Creole Tomatoes to see if they are as fantastic with the deeply rich flavor as they say online, plus anything with purple (tomatoes, string beans, carrots, etc. - yes! Purple string beans! "Dragon's Tongue" they're called IIRC) and of course, my flashy orange SunGold grape tomatoes, my favorite! Lovely in a crispy green salad. YUM! Think of the fresh, organic antioxidants in these colorful foods! I can hardly wait until summer!
It is creeping up on me quickly!
Tonight I held my own with Mommy Dearest when she tried to play the old game of "Poor you! I had a man to help me and you didn't - ha ha ha on YOU!", BUT it didn't work this time. I retorted with, "Not a problem. I
earned every bit of what I have right now, both SSA and my pension,
ALL BY MYSELF - but even better,
AND because I did it alone without a man, I became a stronger person, able to handle the entire thing myself!" We then decided to change the subject and talk about gardens and bare root trees instead.
Three neeners!!!
That old cow will eventually learn NOT to try and bait me that way. She can take her pot-shots at me, but it somehow doesn't pierce whatever I've learned in over 40 yrs. of therapy plus this blessed place here to dump my old pain and learn how to deal with her nastiness, and to put on the breastplate that restricts those barbs from going straight to the heart as they used to. She is a sick puppy sometimes, but I am no longer the needy child (and yes, even adult) who served as her available whipping boy. Nope, and it gets easier the more I practice it. No more beatings, no more emotional/verbal abuse that strips my skin off. She is tricky, but I am SO MUCH STRONGER than she is! Believe me - it felt very good tonight defending myself against her ridiculous comments!! Somehow she raised a good and decent person, reliable and strong, not perfect, but a very good person! And that confidence in myself was that breastplate, that armor against her, and it felt GOOD to tell her NO, you cannot abuse me unless I give you permission to, AND I DO NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION!!! And that was that. Nice!!
I need to go to bed now...feeling good tonight. Sorry for the length of this. But this is the only place I have to share.
Honeybera
I have no regrets. This site has really helped me to let go of a lot of the old pain. THANK YOU, isurvive.org!!! And thank you to you, Fleur, for hanging in there with me on this one. Letting go is rather hard to do for me. The only thing worse is to do it all alone. 
