DONE!! <whew!!> Let's hope it's good enough this time! $100-250 per offense gets expensive after a while.
And all for some dried up, flat weeds in our driveway. I must admit, though, it does look better...
Honeybera (ZZzzzzzzzz!!)
[Thanks for being there and your support!] ♥
Letting go
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei
-
honeybera
- Member
- Posts: 1327
- Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am
-
honeybera
- Member
- Posts: 1327
- Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am
Re: Letting go
I'm up! <yawn> Great night's sleep!! Plus another amazing breakthrough! Due to driving the bus in short pants for years, I had bad sun damage on my lower thighs, very rough skin there and on my forearms. This morning I noticed that the skin on my thighs is about 75% smoother!! 
Could it be all the coconut oil ingestion from my cooking with liquid coconut oil now instead of olive oil? Even my forearms look about 40% better. I'm doing this without using any lotion or anything else. I AM THRILLED! My hair seems fuller, too. I'm a hard person to convince, but this is phenomenal! 
My fingernails still have those ridges on some of them, but those results should take quite a bit more time to heal up. Healing from the inside out!
My dear Fleur, I heard your concern about my 'fasting', but I am NOT starving myself, nor am I eating any differently nor in any radical way, but I have given myself permission to kind of 'go with the flow' with my eating and let go of my apparent fear of starvation and deprivation that I have nurtured for years. I will give MD positive credit for this much: she may have been a monster to me and all females around her, BUT she kept an immaculate house and did serve tasty and nutritious meals on time. Those meals were NOT served without plenty of guilt and shaming, but they were served (mostly to impress my father and with little regard for me or my well-being)! And I was deeply affected by it, especially the shaming at the table as I ate. We all ate 1950s style, as a family, and MD would mock me at the table as I ate, saying, "THIS IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!", and then she'd make hugely exaggerated chewing motions, mouth slung way open and way shut, humiliating me. My father ate quietly without looking up at either her or me. And table manners? OY!!
She would outdo herself to "teach me some manners", most often with brutal shaming. So now I eat alone, in my room, TV on (usually Dr. Phil), and never at a table with others unless it's absolutely unavoidable. I am more comfortable that way.
A couple of decades ago, I read a book called "Overcoming Overeating". It had been recommended to me by a social worker some decades before that, because I was obviously suffering from being a compulsive overeater. I finally bought it and read it and it changed my life. I became aware of my own hunger, and how to judge it: stomach hunger (true hunger) vs. mouth hunger (emotional hunger or bingeing aka Love Hunger). That 'little' process took me the next 8 yrs. to figure out! I honestly had no idea! The book first asked the reader to rate their hunger - and I realized that I had NO IDEA of what my hunger felt like or how it applied to food for me. I simply ate whenever I wasn't FULL. Big difference! Like keeping the car's gas tank always at 3/4 of a tank or more, and filling up the car if down only a ¼ tank, panicking about running out of gas!
And that is the precise way of thinking/eating that the "fasting" idea is dealing with now. I need to eat whenever I am HUNGRY (STOMACH ONLY, NOT EMOTIONS - for food is for fuel for the body only and will truly satisfy nothing else), and I have been eating that way for years now. I no longer "eat past full", BUT I am not losing weight (even slowly) anymore. Hm. The food is right, nice low carb, diabetic style diet, so why no weight loss? Which brought me to the internet, to DietDoctor dot com, and to intermittent fasting. Which frees me up to ALLOW myself to WAIT for true hunger to hit me, to have something planned to eat for when that happens, and to NOT try to fill up upon recognizing being "not FULL" with snacks until a meal TIME comes. I am a free agent. I eat when I want and what I want. And as I read about Intermittent Fasting, it clicked that a) I need to wait until I'm hungry and b) I need to quit making a low carb meal of peanuts and/or pork rinds and a half tub of cream cheese! Now those items can be included when I'm hungry and need a meal, but not just snacking, because these doctors are demonstrating (in videos like a classroom) how eating this way always has my blood sugar spiking and descending, keeping my Insulin Resistance ongoing and constant. I figure it this way: if by POSTPONING my meal UNTIL I am truly hungry and then eating yummy meats and veggies (and limit that meat to 10 oz. per day - give or take) and have that reverse my diabetes, AND I am already doing this BASICALLY ANYWAYS, why the heck not give this a try?? Just NO MORE SNACKING! Even if it's low carb. It's about the only difference in my new way of eating.
I'm hungry now. I think I will make a pork chop breakfast with a salad. I have Dr. Phil all cued up with yesterday's episode. I am a happy camper. I just felt bad because you seemed so concerned for me, and I wanted to give you some background on my lifelong battle with food and later with morbid obesity. I need to do this now. I don't want the surgery; it's NOT a cure-all AND is very dangerous! This is the other way to go to SLOWLY rid myself of the fat I've accumulated over the years, on average a gain of 10-20 lbs. per relationship disappointment, plus the topping off of 50 lbs. following the Overcoming Overeating guidelines while trying to find out what "hunger" meant to me, up to my top weight of 306.
I do NOT want to starve myself or lose weight too quickly. My goal is 4-8 lbs. per month, which would be GREAT with me. The occasional treat is still ok. Probably tomorrow I may have almond flour + oat fiber "buttermilk" pancakes (the "buttermilk" is really almond milk + a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar) with butter and sugar free maple syrup. YUM! Sausage and/or bacon on the side and a couple of eggs. Better than Denny's!! BUT NO SNACKING IN BETWEEN. And lots more veggies. But ♥I LOVE veggies♥! Let's see how it goes...
I need to get busy. Lots to do today! Inspection by the City should be taking place VERY soon, within the hour (she does a drive-by), and my NEW GLASS TABLE TOP will be showing up this afternoon, and I have lots of pork chops to bag and freeze sitting in my fridge! BIG DAY!
{{{{{{{{{{{{my dear caring friend, Fleur}}}}}}}}}}
Honeybera
Could it be all the coconut oil ingestion from my cooking with liquid coconut oil now instead of olive oil? Even my forearms look about 40% better. I'm doing this without using any lotion or anything else. I AM THRILLED! My hair seems fuller, too. I'm a hard person to convince, but this is phenomenal! My fingernails still have those ridges on some of them, but those results should take quite a bit more time to heal up. Healing from the inside out!
My dear Fleur, I heard your concern about my 'fasting', but I am NOT starving myself, nor am I eating any differently nor in any radical way, but I have given myself permission to kind of 'go with the flow' with my eating and let go of my apparent fear of starvation and deprivation that I have nurtured for years. I will give MD positive credit for this much: she may have been a monster to me and all females around her, BUT she kept an immaculate house and did serve tasty and nutritious meals on time. Those meals were NOT served without plenty of guilt and shaming, but they were served (mostly to impress my father and with little regard for me or my well-being)! And I was deeply affected by it, especially the shaming at the table as I ate. We all ate 1950s style, as a family, and MD would mock me at the table as I ate, saying, "THIS IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!", and then she'd make hugely exaggerated chewing motions, mouth slung way open and way shut, humiliating me. My father ate quietly without looking up at either her or me. And table manners? OY!!
She would outdo herself to "teach me some manners", most often with brutal shaming. So now I eat alone, in my room, TV on (usually Dr. Phil), and never at a table with others unless it's absolutely unavoidable. I am more comfortable that way.A couple of decades ago, I read a book called "Overcoming Overeating". It had been recommended to me by a social worker some decades before that, because I was obviously suffering from being a compulsive overeater. I finally bought it and read it and it changed my life. I became aware of my own hunger, and how to judge it: stomach hunger (true hunger) vs. mouth hunger (emotional hunger or bingeing aka Love Hunger). That 'little' process took me the next 8 yrs. to figure out! I honestly had no idea! The book first asked the reader to rate their hunger - and I realized that I had NO IDEA of what my hunger felt like or how it applied to food for me. I simply ate whenever I wasn't FULL. Big difference! Like keeping the car's gas tank always at 3/4 of a tank or more, and filling up the car if down only a ¼ tank, panicking about running out of gas!
And that is the precise way of thinking/eating that the "fasting" idea is dealing with now. I need to eat whenever I am HUNGRY (STOMACH ONLY, NOT EMOTIONS - for food is for fuel for the body only and will truly satisfy nothing else), and I have been eating that way for years now. I no longer "eat past full", BUT I am not losing weight (even slowly) anymore. Hm. The food is right, nice low carb, diabetic style diet, so why no weight loss? Which brought me to the internet, to DietDoctor dot com, and to intermittent fasting. Which frees me up to ALLOW myself to WAIT for true hunger to hit me, to have something planned to eat for when that happens, and to NOT try to fill up upon recognizing being "not FULL" with snacks until a meal TIME comes. I am a free agent. I eat when I want and what I want. And as I read about Intermittent Fasting, it clicked that a) I need to wait until I'm hungry and b) I need to quit making a low carb meal of peanuts and/or pork rinds and a half tub of cream cheese! Now those items can be included when I'm hungry and need a meal, but not just snacking, because these doctors are demonstrating (in videos like a classroom) how eating this way always has my blood sugar spiking and descending, keeping my Insulin Resistance ongoing and constant. I figure it this way: if by POSTPONING my meal UNTIL I am truly hungry and then eating yummy meats and veggies (and limit that meat to 10 oz. per day - give or take) and have that reverse my diabetes, AND I am already doing this BASICALLY ANYWAYS, why the heck not give this a try?? Just NO MORE SNACKING! Even if it's low carb. It's about the only difference in my new way of eating.
I'm hungry now. I think I will make a pork chop breakfast with a salad. I have Dr. Phil all cued up with yesterday's episode. I am a happy camper.
I just felt bad because you seemed so concerned for me, and I wanted to give you some background on my lifelong battle with food and later with morbid obesity. I need to do this now. I don't want the surgery; it's NOT a cure-all AND is very dangerous! This is the other way to go to SLOWLY rid myself of the fat I've accumulated over the years, on average a gain of 10-20 lbs. per relationship disappointment, plus the topping off of 50 lbs. following the Overcoming Overeating guidelines while trying to find out what "hunger" meant to me, up to my top weight of 306. I do NOT want to starve myself or lose weight too quickly. My goal is 4-8 lbs. per month, which would be GREAT with me. The occasional treat is still ok. Probably tomorrow I may have almond flour + oat fiber "buttermilk" pancakes (the "buttermilk" is really almond milk + a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar) with butter and sugar free maple syrup. YUM! Sausage and/or bacon on the side and a couple of eggs. Better than Denny's!!
BUT NO SNACKING IN BETWEEN. And lots more veggies. But ♥I LOVE veggies♥! Let's see how it goes...I need to get busy. Lots to do today! Inspection by the City should be taking place VERY soon, within the hour (she does a drive-by), and my NEW GLASS TABLE TOP will be showing up this afternoon, and I have lots of pork chops to bag and freeze sitting in my fridge! BIG DAY!
{{{{{{{{{{{{my dear caring friend, Fleur}}}}}}}}}}
Honeybera
-
honeybera
- Member
- Posts: 1327
- Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am
Re: Letting go
OMG!! I woke up this morning with no gout pain in the balls of my feet!!! HALLELUJAH!!! AND I can FEEL my toes! (Usually they're numb due to the diabetes.) OMG OMG OMG!!! This deserves a HAPPY DANCE!!! The labored breathing is lessened, too.
All of the above is still there, but MAJORLY lessened!!! I could actually say, "I feel GOOD!" It's almost been 12 hours since my last meal and I am slightly hungry, but not ravishingly so. I could wait. I think I will have the rest of my Instant Pot beef stew/soup with lots of my new veggies in it to heat up, bit of sour cream mixed in and extra garlic + a low carb/high FIBER tortilla, heated to crispy. But in about an hour. I'm good for now.
NO PAIN IN MY FEET!!! YES!!!! I think that I'll do up the dishes while I wait for the Instant Pot to heat things up. Oh yes, another miracle: son brought me out some dishes, SEVERAL big old stacks of them! It is a move in the right direction. I don't care how he wants to keep his room, even if his choice is total chaos for him as I am trying to clean up the entire rest of the house, but the dishes (and pots and pans and the whole shebang) are SHARED ITEMS that belong to ME. For him to hoard them in his room out of my reach is IMO not right or fair. I plan to sit down with him and discuss this, adult to adult. I believe if I approach this in the right manner that he will listen to reason. And I do believe that my position is fair and reasonable.
What happened yesterday was that I had decided on my "break-fast", had recognized that I was TRULY HUNGRY, and had my heart set on a yummy pork chop and salad. I knew I had a few dishes in the sink because ds hadn't put away the dishes from the dishwasher yet, and it's his job to do so, BUT I thought I had enough room on the sideboard to make my breakfast. EXCEPT THAT dear son had cleared out TALL stacks of dishes and bowls and silverware from his room and they were EVERYWHERE. The food is stuck on them like it was glued on due to them having been on the floor in his room for months, and they are full of his long hair. Ewwwww!! So they have to be soaked first before loading them up in the dishwasher (my job). And there they sat, unsoaked in the sink and sideboards, and in my way!! Irksome to be sure.
I am a BIG Dr. Phil fan. I know what he'd say to do, but this is new territory for me. I need to calmly state my case to my son, not just keep quiet. I don't need to be rude to him, but as I am letting go of my past, I'm also developing some self respect and self worth. I don't deserve this practice he has of "dishes hoarding". Dr. Phil says that we teach people how to treat us. I know my son loves me and wants the best for me. I need to talk to him and let him know both the problem and the solution as I see it. He's a good man. And he's bright. I need to talk to him and share with him what would make me happy and how to accomplish that. "Communication"? Well...yes.
And I am still hungry now. I just had to share with you all this morning first. The thrill of having NO PAIN in my feet, no neuropathy, no gout tenderness or stabbing pain when walked on, is LIBERATING!! I'm beginning to think that I have been VERY close to the answer to my weight problem, and that this is the last puzzle piece. And it's easy! HUZZAH!
But now I have to get past the DEEP FEAR of "displeasing" the Wicked Queen (to my Snow White) by losing the weight and becoming more "fair" - read: healthy, but remember: This is the woman who recently wanted to compare our sagging boobs to see "who was bigger". Oh my Lord!! I need to stay FAR AWAY from her!! She is unhealthy for my head! ( 
Mirror, mirror, on the wall... ) SHEESH!! Not exactly my soft place to land!!
This is a MONUMENTALLY HUGE one for me: finally giving myself the unlimited permission to feel ok enough AND TO BE SAFE ENOUGH to be healthier and look better. I will probably have a lot to say about this as the pounds come off and I get into those old scary places with the now fictitious MD. (She only really exists in my OWN mind currently, and is known as my Inner Critic; the reality is that she's a mean, conniving, and vindictive old crippled woman who's been thrown into a nursing home by her beloved son...so be it!)
Hunger calls...
Honeybera
[Psst! BTW, the glass table top is PERFECT! It fits perfectly, with each curve precisely done and matching, and with a slight bevel all the way around. And when I look down at it from above, it is shiny and slightly reflective. LOVELY! I couldn't be more pleased! It's exactly what I had in mind. And now I need to buy my other two pieces of furniture, the chest of drawers and nightstand, and get each of them a glass table top, too. And that project will be FINISHED! YAY!]
Bye for now...
This deserves a HAPPY DANCE!!! The labored breathing is lessened, too. All of the above is still there, but MAJORLY lessened!!! I could actually say, "I feel GOOD!" It's almost been 12 hours since my last meal and I am slightly hungry, but not ravishingly so. I could wait. I think I will have the rest of my Instant Pot beef stew/soup with lots of my new veggies in it to heat up, bit of sour cream mixed in and extra garlic + a low carb/high FIBER tortilla, heated to crispy. But in about an hour. I'm good for now.
NO PAIN IN MY FEET!!! YES!!!! I think that I'll do up the dishes while I wait for the Instant Pot to heat things up. Oh yes, another miracle: son brought me out some dishes, SEVERAL big old stacks of them! It is a move in the right direction. I don't care how he wants to keep his room, even if his choice is total chaos for him as I am trying to clean up the entire rest of the house, but the dishes (and pots and pans and the whole shebang) are SHARED ITEMS that belong to ME. For him to hoard them in his room out of my reach is IMO not right or fair. I plan to sit down with him and discuss this, adult to adult. I believe if I approach this in the right manner that he will listen to reason. And I do believe that my position is fair and reasonable.
What happened yesterday was that I had decided on my "break-fast", had recognized that I was TRULY HUNGRY, and had my heart set on a yummy pork chop and salad. I knew I had a few dishes in the sink because ds hadn't put away the dishes from the dishwasher yet, and it's his job to do so, BUT I thought I had enough room on the sideboard to make my breakfast. EXCEPT THAT dear son had cleared out TALL stacks of dishes and bowls and silverware from his room and they were EVERYWHERE. The food is stuck on them like it was glued on due to them having been on the floor in his room for months, and they are full of his long hair. Ewwwww!!
So they have to be soaked first before loading them up in the dishwasher (my job). And there they sat, unsoaked in the sink and sideboards, and in my way!! Irksome to be sure. I am a BIG Dr. Phil fan. I know what he'd say to do, but this is new territory for me. I need to calmly state my case to my son, not just keep quiet. I don't need to be rude to him, but as I am letting go of my past, I'm also developing some self respect and self worth. I don't deserve this practice he has of "dishes hoarding". Dr. Phil says that we teach people how to treat us. I know my son loves me and wants the best for me. I need to talk to him and let him know both the problem and the solution as I see it. He's a good man. And he's bright. I need to talk to him and share with him what would make me happy and how to accomplish that. "Communication"? Well...yes.
And I am still hungry now. I just had to share with you all this morning first. The thrill of having NO PAIN in my feet, no neuropathy, no gout tenderness or stabbing pain when walked on, is LIBERATING!! I'm beginning to think that I have been VERY close to the answer to my weight problem, and that this is the last puzzle piece. And it's easy! HUZZAH!
But now I have to get past the DEEP FEAR of "displeasing" the Wicked Queen (to my Snow White) by losing the weight and becoming more "fair" - read: healthy, but remember: This is the woman who recently wanted to compare our sagging boobs to see "who was bigger". Oh my Lord!!
I need to stay FAR AWAY from her!! She is unhealthy for my head! ( Mirror, mirror, on the wall... ) SHEESH!! Not exactly my soft place to land!!This is a MONUMENTALLY HUGE one for me: finally giving myself the unlimited permission to feel ok enough AND TO BE SAFE ENOUGH to be healthier and look better. I will probably have a lot to say about this as the pounds come off and I get into those old scary places with the now fictitious MD. (She only really exists in my OWN mind currently, and is known as my Inner Critic; the reality is that she's a mean, conniving, and vindictive old crippled woman who's been thrown into a nursing home by her beloved son...so be it!)
With this site being a very large part of my therapy and healing, I can almost guarantee more volumes of this "verbal ventilation" re: my weight problem and its solution. Please bear with me.Time heals all wounds and time wounds all heels!
Hunger calls...
Honeybera
[Psst! BTW, the glass table top is PERFECT! It fits perfectly, with each curve precisely done and matching, and with a slight bevel all the way around. And when I look down at it from above, it is shiny and slightly reflective. LOVELY! I couldn't be more pleased! It's exactly what I had in mind. And now I need to buy my other two pieces of furniture, the chest of drawers and nightstand, and get each of them a glass table top, too. And that project will be FINISHED! YAY!]
Bye for now...
-
Fleur
- Member
- Posts: 13378
- Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am
Re: Letting go
Thank you for explanation, reassurance, Honeybera
Fires, floods, other disasters ... May you remain safe. Smoky air can be very hard too. May everything soon settle
Great that your home is morphing into desirable shape
Wishing you and son a very happy communicative weekend
Fires, floods, other disasters ... May you remain safe. Smoky air can be very hard too. May everything soon settle
Great that your home is morphing into desirable shape
Wishing you and son a very happy communicative weekend
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
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honeybera
- Member
- Posts: 1327
- Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am
Re: Letting go
Hey Fleur!
I can tell that I've opened up a real big can of worms by challenging my nasty Inner Critic by losing weight. I'm not Twiggy yet, by any means, and my weight loss will be VERY slow, but just having the...courage? to even attempt this is bringing up issues and bringing them up FAST! I spoke with my T, Mr. Snoozy (so named because he fell asleep on me AND my son on two different occasions - I couldn't believe it! - AND he actually asked me IF I'D EVER BEEN ABUSED! And AFTER I'd been seeing him for several weeks! Take notes, Dude!! ). I called him yesterday morning at 9am to schedule yet another appointment, but he was (and I'm not making this up!) "going to the dump" at the request of his wife to discard trash from their new home. He called it an "emergency" (REALLY??!!) and neglected to call me back until well after 6pm and I was happily taking a nap and had to be awakened out of a deep sleep. SHEESH! I was totally honest with him and told him that I was expecting some resistance from myself when trying to lose weight and was he up to assisting me with that? He's actually a retired school psychologist who is amazed that my son and I are kind of adept at healing ourselves. Practice, dear T, practice!
But I am busying myself trying to find, as Dr. Phil puts it, "a soft place to land" when all hell breaks loose with me. And I'm sure it will. I'm flying DIRECTLY in the face of all that I've been taught since I was born and the first bottle was shoved into my mouth and propped up on the "bottle holder". My Aunt J (cousin R's mother) gave this as a gift to MD so I wouldn't be HELD while being fed which she felt would lead me to become "a spoiled child". Not such good advice from MD's then 21-yr-old sister and apparent guru. And because I cried so much (well, DUH!), MD began to dope my formula with phenobarbital! No lie. Great start for my 17-yr-old mother who fancied herself as playing the Claudette Colbert as housewife role in The Egg and I movie!!
So now, 70 yrs. later, here I am, hugely and morbidly obese suffering from C-PTSD, diabetes, arthritis, heart failure, gout, you-name-it! And the only way I'll live longer is to "lose weight and exercise"! MD is my Inner Critic personified, and one of my major challenges is to GET RID OF HER, for she lives only in my own mind and remembrances, and I am thereby responsible for her existence. The "current reality" one is all crippled up with her stroke and who can't affect me unless I let her. So no more visits. OR phone calls! She absolutely refused any treatment for her 2012 stroke, left the stroke rehab center against doctor's orders, and after insisting on going home immediately, used every little thing about her condition to extract every bit of attention from my brother that she could. I warned her to NOT DO THAT or her disability would become permanent, but she stubbornly continued to "milk it" for all she was worth. Now it IS permanent, and I have "left the building" and my dear brother, now that he has all of her money, has pretty much left, too. Just desserts, IMO. And I still hope she lives to be 103!
My "therapy" for my weight loss is this: low carb, high fat diet (adjusted as needed), this site (journalling), another "diary" website for more journalling, my wimpy, sleepy, overly-busy T (he really needs to step up or move on!), and lots more study on dietdoctor dot com. If I am reading my C-PTSD book or typing away on here, I'm NOT eating. This also works with cutting and/or sorting mystery and other boxes and doing ALL my other projects, which are starting to get DONE! YAY! Plus I can do more cookbook entries and lots and lots of house-cleaning and organizing and garden upkeep. That ought to do it.
As time goes on, I'd like to start to get over to the Senior Center because they have a TON of activities that seem like they might be fun. And for that I'd need those dresses.
And some new shoes, and some jewelry, too. And that makes up "an outfit". Seems fairly easy to do. I've already got that Luminesse make-up, but never wear it...yet. We'll see. I have a LONG way to go to get to that point. But I'm already getting tired of wearing the same blouse and shorts and plastic "Croc" style shoes, all in different colors, every day if I'm going outside, and muu-muus of every color (same style, though) inside. 24/7/365...YAWN!
I'm getting mighty uppity these days!
No problem. I could tell by what you said that you were having a real concern for me and that I needed to explain further so we remained on the same page, so to speak.
I can tell that I've opened up a real big can of worms by challenging my nasty Inner Critic by losing weight. I'm not Twiggy yet, by any means, and my weight loss will be VERY slow, but just having the...courage? to even attempt this is bringing up issues and bringing them up FAST! I spoke with my T, Mr. Snoozy (so named because he fell asleep on me AND my son on two different occasions - I couldn't believe it! - AND he actually asked me IF I'D EVER BEEN ABUSED! And AFTER I'd been seeing him for several weeks! Take notes, Dude!!
). I called him yesterday morning at 9am to schedule yet another appointment, but he was (and I'm not making this up!) "going to the dump" at the request of his wife to discard trash from their new home. He called it an "emergency" (REALLY??!!) and neglected to call me back until well after 6pm and I was happily taking a nap and had to be awakened out of a deep sleep. SHEESH! I was totally honest with him and told him that I was expecting some resistance from myself when trying to lose weight and was he up to assisting me with that? He's actually a retired school psychologist who is amazed that my son and I are kind of adept at healing ourselves. Practice, dear T, practice!But I am busying myself trying to find, as Dr. Phil puts it, "a soft place to land" when all hell breaks loose with me. And I'm sure it will. I'm flying DIRECTLY in the face of all that I've been taught since I was born and the first bottle was shoved into my mouth and propped up on the "bottle holder". My Aunt J (cousin R's mother) gave this as a gift to MD so I wouldn't be HELD while being fed which she felt would lead me to become "a spoiled child". Not such good advice from MD's then 21-yr-old sister and apparent guru.
And because I cried so much (well, DUH!), MD began to dope my formula with phenobarbital! No lie. Great start for my 17-yr-old mother who fancied herself as playing the Claudette Colbert as housewife role in The Egg and I movie!!So now, 70 yrs. later, here I am, hugely and morbidly obese suffering from C-PTSD, diabetes, arthritis, heart failure, gout, you-name-it! And the only way I'll live longer is to "lose weight and exercise"! MD is my Inner Critic personified, and one of my major challenges is to GET RID OF HER, for she lives only in my own mind and remembrances, and I am thereby responsible for her existence. The "current reality" one is all crippled up with her stroke and who can't affect me unless I let her. So no more visits. OR phone calls! She absolutely refused any treatment for her 2012 stroke, left the stroke rehab center against doctor's orders, and after insisting on going home immediately, used every little thing about her condition to extract every bit of attention from my brother that she could. I warned her to NOT DO THAT or her disability would become permanent, but she stubbornly continued to "milk it" for all she was worth. Now it IS permanent, and I have "left the building" and my dear brother, now that he has all of her money, has pretty much left, too. Just desserts, IMO. And I still hope she lives to be 103!
My "therapy" for my weight loss is this: low carb, high fat diet (adjusted as needed), this site (journalling), another "diary" website for more journalling, my wimpy, sleepy, overly-busy T (he really needs to step up or move on!), and lots more study on dietdoctor dot com. If I am reading my C-PTSD book or typing away on here, I'm NOT eating. This also works with cutting and/or sorting mystery and other boxes and doing ALL my other projects, which are starting to get DONE! YAY! Plus I can do more cookbook entries and lots and lots of house-cleaning and organizing and garden upkeep. That ought to do it.
As time goes on, I'd like to start to get over to the Senior Center because they have a TON of activities that seem like they might be fun. And for that I'd need those dresses.
And some new shoes, and some jewelry, too. And that makes up "an outfit". Seems fairly easy to do. I've already got that Luminesse make-up, but never wear it...yet. We'll see. I have a LONG way to go to get to that point. But I'm already getting tired of wearing the same blouse and shorts and plastic "Croc" style shoes, all in different colors, every day if I'm going outside, and muu-muus of every color (same style, though) inside. 24/7/365...YAWN! I'm getting mighty uppity these days!
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honeybera
- Member
- Posts: 1327
- Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am
Re: Letting go
I'm baaaack!
I figure that it's better for me to sit here and type than for me to eat when I'm only bored, upset, or angry and not hungry. So I got myself a Zevia creme soda (sweetened with Stevia, hence the name) and sat down here. I was clearing a few of those mystery boxes in the kitchen. My God, they do trigger me!! Today they were mostly my daughter's clothes from LONG ago and all of her "geegaws" and dollies, etc. that she's unceremoniously left here for me to clean up for her. It's not even my stuff!! Typical.
I rarely mention my estranged daughter. She's just turned 40 and she hates me, and for the life of me, I don't know why. As much as my younger son and I get along, she and I are apparently at odds. Sadly for me. And it's her choice. I love my daughter and I miss her, but...she has no use for me. Long story that. She really has personality, and picking up her clothing, washing it, and boxing it up for donations is incredibly sad for me. I haven't seen her for at least 5 years. I guess I try not to think about it too much. But handling her old clothing and old toys is tough for me.
"Toots" is bad with money; I mean REALLY BAD with money!! She has stolen thousands, maybe even tens of thousands of dollars, from me and many others. She cannot have a bank account due to bad credit, and she couldn't care less. She buys and buys and buys stuff - well, so do I, but I have excellent credit and am very careful with my money. And I keep my stuff (sometimes too much! ) whereas dd "HAS TO HAVE IT", buys it, and then sets it on a shelf and she blithely goes on to the next thing she wants.
She has left me HUGE boxes of clothing and DOLLS that she no longer wants - boxes and boxes of them. I had no idea that her discards that she moved in here with and then skipped away from were mostly the contents of my mystery boxes. I believe that these things came from our appt. 17 yrs. ago from her room and were sent to storage as we waited for this house to be built (approx. 8 months). They were moved from storage and placed in the family room here, then moved to the kitchen in 2013, where they have set in the middle of my kitchen area, blocking our access to a huge amount of space right smack in the middle of it! I no longer wish to be a hoarder of mystery boxes that contain old clothing and old books and so on! I need to sort this all out, but it's SO TRIGGERING!!!
You know, come to think of it, N has done the same thing to me!! I have several gym bags and duffel bags FULL of HIS clothes, too! What signal am I giving off that says that I AM THE CITY DUMP!?? I am getting rid of his stuff, too, and with his permission, but to throw stuff out is against something DEEP within me! I hear this inner voice screaming at me, "BUT WHAT IF YOU NEED IT LATER??!!!" But these are other people's OLD CLOTHES, for Pete's sake! Most of my dd's today were in a size 16W, but she hasn't seen that size in quite some time! She was bigger than me the last time I saw her. I held them up and thought, "Well, I could keep them and wear them later, when I lose enough weight..." OMFG!! Who am I kidding??? WHEN AND IF I lose enough weight to fit in a size 16W, I NEED NEW CLOTHES, not some cast-offs of my dd!!
I'm not mad at me. I am hugging my Inner Child and Wounded Inner Adult and trying to get through this UBER-necessary time. But it is SO TOUGH for me! DISCARD, DONATE, OR KEEP - but only if it has a "home" here (a place it belongs and is needed). Clutter has to be out the door!! So tough for me to do that! Do I really NEED that wind chime or that cute little lamp? So many choices and such slow progress! This is hard!
And it makes me want to EAT! It's how I always coped in the past! I never eat past full, that is true, and I always eat low carb foods, BUT now that I am trying to eat more meats and veggies, and in addition only eating them when I get noticeable STOMACH hunger, PLUS cleaning up my home, THIS IS A CHALLENGE! But what else can I do? House needs cleaning and organizing, weight needs to come off if I want to live longer and my health needs to improve...so I have to do this. I think as it comes to seeing projects completed, it may get easier. But right now...OY VEY!
I just looked up on my wall where I have posted on an 8"x11" sheet of computer print-out paper my saying from Mark Twain:
Also, as I glance out my Window On The World, I see a cloudless, but gray-blue sky, made that way because of all the fires STILL burning in our state. It's the worst fire season in this state's history it said on the news. I can smell the smoke in my bedroom even with my double-paned windows closed. They have warned us to stay inside if at all possible due to lung damage caused by all the smoke in the air. I am fortunately far away from the fires and there is no chance of it spreading here. My troubles that I have just been complaining about today, however real they are to me, PALE in comparison to those unfortunate people who have lost their homes and/or their lives in this. I need to verbally vent, but I also need to remember just how lucky I am and to appreciate what I do have.
Honeybera (back to work!)
I figure that it's better for me to sit here and type than for me to eat when I'm only bored, upset, or angry and not hungry. So I got myself a Zevia creme soda (sweetened with Stevia, hence the name) and sat down here. I was clearing a few of those mystery boxes in the kitchen. My God, they do trigger me!! Today they were mostly my daughter's clothes from LONG ago and all of her "geegaws" and dollies, etc. that she's unceremoniously left here for me to clean up for her. It's not even my stuff!!
Typical.I rarely mention my estranged daughter. She's just turned 40 and she hates me, and for the life of me, I don't know why. As much as my younger son and I get along, she and I are apparently at odds. Sadly for me. And it's her choice. I love my daughter and I miss her, but...she has no use for me. Long story that. She really has personality, and picking up her clothing, washing it, and boxing it up for donations is incredibly sad for me. I haven't seen her for at least 5 years. I guess I try not to think about it too much. But handling her old clothing and old toys is tough for me.
"Toots" is bad with money; I mean REALLY BAD with money!! She has stolen thousands, maybe even tens of thousands of dollars, from me and many others. She cannot have a bank account due to bad credit, and she couldn't care less. She buys and buys and buys stuff - well, so do I, but I have excellent credit and am very careful with my money. And I keep my stuff (sometimes too much!
) whereas dd "HAS TO HAVE IT", buys it, and then sets it on a shelf and she blithely goes on to the next thing she wants. She has left me HUGE boxes of clothing and DOLLS that she no longer wants - boxes and boxes of them. I had no idea that her discards that she moved in here with and then skipped away from were mostly the contents of my mystery boxes. I believe that these things came from our appt. 17 yrs. ago from her room and were sent to storage as we waited for this house to be built (approx. 8 months). They were moved from storage and placed in the family room here, then moved to the kitchen in 2013, where they have set in the middle of my kitchen area, blocking our access to a huge amount of space right smack in the middle of it! I no longer wish to be a hoarder of mystery boxes that contain old clothing and old books and so on! I need to sort this all out, but it's SO TRIGGERING!!!
You know, come to think of it, N has done the same thing to me!! I have several gym bags and duffel bags FULL of HIS clothes, too! What signal am I giving off that says that I AM THE CITY DUMP!?? I am getting rid of his stuff, too, and with his permission, but to throw stuff out is against something DEEP within me! I hear this inner voice screaming at me, "BUT WHAT IF YOU NEED IT LATER??!!!" But these are other people's OLD CLOTHES, for Pete's sake! Most of my dd's today were in a size 16W, but she hasn't seen that size in quite some time! She was bigger than me the last time I saw her. I held them up and thought, "Well, I could keep them and wear them later, when I lose enough weight..." OMFG!! Who am I kidding???
WHEN AND IF I lose enough weight to fit in a size 16W, I NEED NEW CLOTHES, not some cast-offs of my dd!! I'm not mad at me. I am hugging my Inner Child and Wounded Inner Adult and trying to get through this UBER-necessary time. But it is SO TOUGH for me! DISCARD, DONATE, OR KEEP - but only if it has a "home" here (a place it belongs and is needed). Clutter has to be out the door!! So tough for me to do that! Do I really NEED that wind chime or that cute little lamp? So many choices and such slow progress! This is hard!
And it makes me want to EAT! It's how I always coped in the past! I never eat past full, that is true, and I always eat low carb foods, BUT now that I am trying to eat more meats and veggies, and in addition only eating them when I get noticeable STOMACH hunger, PLUS cleaning up my home, THIS IS A CHALLENGE! But what else can I do? House needs cleaning and organizing, weight needs to come off if I want to live longer and my health needs to improve...so I have to do this. I think as it comes to seeing projects completed, it may get easier. But right now...OY VEY!
I just looked up on my wall where I have posted on an 8"x11" sheet of computer print-out paper my saying from Mark Twain:
God bless him for such an insight!The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks and then starting on the first one.
Also, as I glance out my Window On The World, I see a cloudless, but gray-blue sky, made that way because of all the fires STILL burning in our state. It's the worst fire season in this state's history it said on the news. I can smell the smoke in my bedroom even with my double-paned windows closed. They have warned us to stay inside if at all possible due to lung damage caused by all the smoke in the air. I am fortunately far away from the fires and there is no chance of it spreading here. My troubles that I have just been complaining about today, however real they are to me, PALE in comparison to those unfortunate people who have lost their homes and/or their lives in this. I need to verbally vent, but I also need to remember just how lucky I am and to appreciate what I do have.
Honeybera (back to work!)
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Fleur
- Member
- Posts: 13378
- Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am
Re: Letting go
Hello Honeybera
Great that you are safe from fires, but the smokiness can get irritating, so I'm glad you're being sensible about limiting outdoor time
Yes, I feel for all those who have lost loved ones, all their possessions, etc
Our fire season started really early - September! Over 50 separate fires around the state. I did have a giggle at one - children were playing with matches, made a lot of smoke. Someone phoned the fire brigade - 2 buckets of water and telling the youngsters to not play with fire - then off to the next blaze. I imagine the children wondered at all the commotion
The snow season lasted until early this month - best year the resorts have recorded since 2000. Strange to have snow fall in the mountains yet fires in the foothills
I'm really saddened by your daughter's behaviour, however .... She is an adult and making her own life. Really tough on you
Great to read of progress - those increments add up, whether we're talking of regaining slimness or sorting out mystery boxes or being kind to yourself and your garden
Much caring
Great that you are safe from fires, but the smokiness can get irritating, so I'm glad you're being sensible about limiting outdoor time
Yes, I feel for all those who have lost loved ones, all their possessions, etc
Our fire season started really early - September! Over 50 separate fires around the state. I did have a giggle at one - children were playing with matches, made a lot of smoke. Someone phoned the fire brigade - 2 buckets of water and telling the youngsters to not play with fire - then off to the next blaze. I imagine the children wondered at all the commotion
The snow season lasted until early this month - best year the resorts have recorded since 2000. Strange to have snow fall in the mountains yet fires in the foothills
I'm really saddened by your daughter's behaviour, however .... She is an adult and making her own life. Really tough on you
Great to read of progress - those increments add up, whether we're talking of regaining slimness or sorting out mystery boxes or being kind to yourself and your garden
Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
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honeybera
- Member
- Posts: 1327
- Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am
Re: Letting go
{{{{{{{Fleur!}}}}}}}}} So nice to come on here and see your reply. It lifts my spirits every time! I hope 1000 miles is doing ok, too.
I'm going to see my "new" T day after tomorrow. I'm sort of dreading it: I guess I was more upset than I realized about him a) falling asleep during my session with him and b) asking me (ME!) if I had ever experienced PHYSICAL ABUSE!
I kid you not! I had been seeing him weekly for several months! All I talked about was MD and how she had beaten and physically abused me! Where the hell was he during all that?? Ah, that's right...sneaking peeks at his wrist watch. For Pete's sake, SET AN ALARM for when the session is over! My old T of 15+ yrs. appeared to really care about me from session to session. This guy...UGH. But my medical insurance is quite limited in whom they will cover and whom they won't. I resent it when he is so immersed in his own life that he apparently doesn't give a damn about mine, and I'm the one he's getting $140/session from!!
AND he's doing the same thing to my son, who's also seeing him separately from me. Sheesh!! But I'm no shrinking violet and plan to hash this out with this T on Saturday. Wish me luck, dear Fleur. I'm quite tired of hearing about his new house and how he had to move because his wife wanted a better house down the street, plus his PT job at as school psychologist, and his vacations to visit his son in Oklahoma, all while ignoring me and checking his wrist watch! I think I deserve better. And I plan to point that out to him. Reasonably. But honestly, who is being the T for whom?!
I guess I have to accept that this estrangement is for the best, but if dd ever changes her mind, I will allow her back in on a limited basis, for she is not to be trusted. Dear son HATES her! She was as physically and emotionally cruel to him as MD was to me. He wants no part of her, and she is the reason he's seeing that same T mentioned above. The whole situation is sad and attests to the outcome of cruelty to children and child abuse. It courses down through the family like dysfunctional poison and affects generations of innocents. Tough on me, but also tough on her, tough on ds, and even MD, who although she had a great life thanks to my father, suffers now all alone (neither my dd or brother and especially me and my ds) go to see her in her apartment at the nursing home where my brother stuck her. She sits and wishes for death. OMG.
But she's brought this on herself with her mean ways and her conniving. My dd is doing the same. Someone once diagnosed dd that she was "bipolar" and gave her Prozac, which she L-O-V-E-S! So I hope she's happy and doing well. And I'll sort out her clothes that she left here, all in sizes she outgrew MANY years ago. What more can I do for myself (the only person I have any control over)?
I'm about to fix a salad to go with it and a cuppa Bulletproof coffee...YUM! I haven't eaten since last night, and I'm not REALLY hungry right now, so I'm sitting here, not eating just yet, not taking in any calories, until I feel those pangs of TRUE hunger and not just a craving to be eating.
And it's apparently working! OMG, you should see what's happening to my body!! I've been practicing not eating until REALLY hungry (intermittent fasting), and also eating until just full (not past a 5 on a scale of 1-10, with one being literally STARVING and ten being so full it hurts and you can't move), and then waiting for the hunger to come back. (BTW, I LOVE LOVE LOVE eating like this!!) I can FEEL my body lessening! The blubs of fat are still there, naturally, but they are actually shrinking! It's a slow process, but I can already see (and FEEL) a difference, and that is the result that I was after. Just PROGRESS and not just eating "right" and stagnating at the same weight for years. If this WOE will replace whatever it was that I had in 2010 when N was here and I lost 93 lbs. in 10 months without effort, I AM ECSTATICALLY HAPPY!!!! I could eat this way forever!! And that's the trick, isn't it?
Also, my blood sugars are coming down rapidly. I am VERY pleased about that! As I research the web regarding my full blown diabetes, I am continually SHOCKED at how this dread disease is effecting me and my health and in how many ways that is happening to me: cataracts, all my symptoms of either heart failure or kidney disease (MOSTLY the same symptoms but all exacerbated by diabetes), osteoarthritis and the pain I suffer from that, and so on. Every site says that if I have diabetes (and I do), that it is either caused by or made worse by diabetes! It makes me cringe to see my ds eat fast food and drink sodas knowing what that is doing to him, even though he's not diabetic...YET.
So I totally love this new WOE and the results that I am getting from following it. I never plan to eat any differently...EVER. Ah! My stomach just growled! Time to eat! YAY. Loving my food and my life! I'm looking forward to getting an entirely new wardrobe, and including dresses and cute little pumps. Oh, I'm about to get my new chest of drawers and nightstand...finally...and then get the glass table tops for both. So much better than just sitting around, watching Gunsmoke, and waiting for death!! A distant {{{{{MD}}}}}...arm's length, but wishing her well.
Oh, NOW I'm hungry!!!
Honeybera
It lifts my spirits every time! I hope 1000 miles is doing ok, too. I'm going to see my "new" T day after tomorrow. I'm sort of dreading it: I guess I was more upset than I realized about him a) falling asleep during my session with him and b) asking me (ME!) if I had ever experienced PHYSICAL ABUSE!
I kid you not! I had been seeing him weekly for several months! All I talked about was MD and how she had beaten and physically abused me! Where the hell was he during all that?? Ah, that's right...sneaking peeks at his wrist watch. For Pete's sake, SET AN ALARM for when the session is over! My old T of 15+ yrs. appeared to really care about me from session to session. This guy...UGH. But my medical insurance is quite limited in whom they will cover and whom they won't. I resent it when he is so immersed in his own life that he apparently doesn't give a damn about mine, and I'm the one he's getting $140/session from!! AND he's doing the same thing to my son, who's also seeing him separately from me. Sheesh!!
But I'm no shrinking violet and plan to hash this out with this T on Saturday. Wish me luck, dear Fleur. I'm quite tired of hearing about his new house and how he had to move because his wife wanted a better house down the street, plus his PT job at as school psychologist, and his vacations to visit his son in Oklahoma, all while ignoring me and checking his wrist watch! I think I deserve better. And I plan to point that out to him. Reasonably. But honestly, who is being the T for whom?! Uh...not here. We have that every Fall. October is always a touchy fire season here. Trouble is we had a lot of rain last season, so lots of grasses grew, and now (after one of the hottest summer we've ever had in a place that's already H-O-T) we're getting no rain to aid the firefighters. Not one drop! And none in the foreseeable future as well. So...the fires were everywhere! But I think that they are all out now or at least contained since there's not word one on how they are currently doing or how people were impacted anymore. Strange how the news is fed to us, isn't it?
Yes, it is. It makes me really sad to think that I'm getting the same treatment that I am giving the VERY DESERVING MD, and I miss my daughter, especially since we were so close as she grew up. Handling her old clothing intensifies that sadness, but I believe I'm nearly finished with the sorting and donating as it regards her (but even that makes me sad). She has a really upbeat personality, but is very much like MD herself, although she was never raised around her and was even shunned by MD as "one of my kids" and "not very pretty". Eventually, MD had her stroke and saw that she could attempt to upset my family by hiring my children to be her caretakers, befriending my daughter and favoring her while degrading and humiliating my youngest son, causing an already sensitive rift between the kids to widen and become permanent, much to MD's delight. It's how she operates.
I guess I have to accept that this estrangement is for the best, but if dd ever changes her mind, I will allow her back in on a limited basis, for she is not to be trusted. Dear son HATES her! She was as physically and emotionally cruel to him as MD was to me. He wants no part of her, and she is the reason he's seeing that same T mentioned above. The whole situation is sad and attests to the outcome of cruelty to children and child abuse. It courses down through the family like dysfunctional poison and affects generations of innocents. Tough on me, but also tough on her, tough on ds, and even MD, who although she had a great life thanks to my father, suffers now all alone (neither my dd or brother and especially me and my ds) go to see her in her apartment at the nursing home where my brother stuck her. She sits and wishes for death. OMG.
But she's brought this on herself with her mean ways and her conniving. My dd is doing the same. Someone once diagnosed dd that she was "bipolar" and gave her Prozac, which she L-O-V-E-S! So I hope she's happy and doing well. And I'll sort out her clothes that she left here, all in sizes she outgrew MANY years ago. What more can I do for myself (the only person I have any control over)?
Thanks Fleur! I have a steak from last night in the kitchen calling my name right now.
I'm about to fix a salad to go with it and a cuppa Bulletproof coffee...YUM! I haven't eaten since last night, and I'm not REALLY hungry right now, so I'm sitting here, not eating just yet, not taking in any calories, until I feel those pangs of TRUE hunger and not just a craving to be eating. And it's apparently working! OMG, you should see what's happening to my body!! I've been practicing not eating until REALLY hungry (intermittent fasting), and also eating until just full (not past a 5 on a scale of 1-10, with one being literally STARVING and ten being so full it hurts and you can't move), and then waiting for the hunger to come back. (BTW, I LOVE LOVE LOVE eating like this!!) I can FEEL my body lessening! The blubs of fat are still there, naturally, but they are actually shrinking! It's a slow process, but I can already see (and FEEL) a difference, and that is the result that I was after. Just PROGRESS and not just eating "right" and stagnating at the same weight for years. If this WOE will replace whatever it was that I had in 2010 when N was here and I lost 93 lbs. in 10 months without effort, I AM ECSTATICALLY HAPPY!!!! I could eat this way forever!! And that's the trick, isn't it?
Also, my blood sugars are coming down rapidly. I am VERY pleased about that! As I research the web regarding my full blown diabetes, I am continually SHOCKED at how this dread disease is effecting me and my health and in how many ways that is happening to me: cataracts, all my symptoms of either heart failure or kidney disease (MOSTLY the same symptoms but all exacerbated by diabetes), osteoarthritis and the pain I suffer from that, and so on. Every site says that if I have diabetes (and I do), that it is either caused by or made worse by diabetes! It makes me cringe to see my ds eat fast food and drink sodas knowing what that is doing to him, even though he's not diabetic...YET.
So I totally love this new WOE and the results that I am getting from following it. I never plan to eat any differently...EVER. Ah! My stomach just growled! Time to eat! YAY. Loving my food and my life! I'm looking forward to getting an entirely new wardrobe, and including dresses and cute little pumps. Oh, I'm about to get my new chest of drawers and nightstand...finally...and then get the glass table tops for both. So much better than just sitting around, watching Gunsmoke, and waiting for death!!
A distant {{{{{MD}}}}}...arm's length, but wishing her well.Oh, NOW I'm hungry!!!
Honeybera
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Fleur
- Member
- Posts: 13378
- Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am
Re: Letting go
Dear Honeybera
I feel very happy for you that you've found such insightfulness regarding your health on various levels
May you explain to T how you view him assertively at your next session - maybe you can print that part of your post? I agree that checking phone (which a T I saw did) or looking at wristwatch (as a pdoc did) is disconcerting
As your son consumes a diet that could well lead to a range of health issues, it must be hard for you to watch without condemnation. I wonder what would help your son to change eating habits? Does he ever enjoy produce from your garden?
Wishing you, loved ones, dogs, very well
I feel very happy for you that you've found such insightfulness regarding your health on various levels
May you explain to T how you view him assertively at your next session - maybe you can print that part of your post? I agree that checking phone (which a T I saw did) or looking at wristwatch (as a pdoc did) is disconcerting
As your son consumes a diet that could well lead to a range of health issues, it must be hard for you to watch without condemnation. I wonder what would help your son to change eating habits? Does he ever enjoy produce from your garden?
Wishing you, loved ones, dogs, very well
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
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honeybera
- Member
- Posts: 1327
- Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am
Re: Letting go
Hey Fleur <wave to you> and a
I have much to say re: your post. Let me start...
And I am actually losing weight...finally! It seems that I have indeed found a method that works for me! YAY! I should have known how to do that earlier, but sometimes the most obvious escapes me: Eat when HUNGRY (not merely at "eating" or "meal" time), NO snacking between meals, and eat non-sugary and non-starchy foods (for my diabetes) until nicely satisfied (NOT stuffed). Simple! As are most solutions are that work. I'm very happy with this WOE, and it's not very difficult to do, especially since I've been working on getting the food part of it right since 2007. And low carb eating is coming back into "fashion" again, so folks don't judge me or what I'm doing or why. That's always a big help. We got take-out food from a nice restaurant yesterday (Birthday Dinner fare) and I ordered appropriate steak and veggies. Funniest thing was: I like my own cooking better! And they trimmed all the fat off the meat! 
Fat is the best part to me!
I'm also working on my cookbook again. So far, it's filling NINE 2" binders! Today's recipe that I'm copying? Highfalutin’ Low Carb Zucchini Casserole! from a Highfalutin' Low Carb YouTube video. OMG, it looks SO GOOD! YUM! I just stumbled onto this guy's site, and IMO he is GREAT! He prepares and compares SEVERAL related but different low carb recipes from well-known sites on the web. He'll make 3-4 different styles of bread, biscuits, "corn" bread, for example, or he'll just "remake" a recipe from high carb into low carb, allowing me to then enjoy it. I'm also studying DietDoctor dot com. WONDERFUL! These sites help me so much, and I am grateful for the time and effort these good folks pour into them and then share them with others who are on a restricted diet. I'm learning so much!
I'm feeling the need to join some LCHF group online to have a friend (or several) to share all of this with. I was on lowcarbfriends dot com some time ago but ran into a nasty and mean-spirited troll on there and I FLED after it became apparent that reasoning with her would do no good! Perhaps I should try, try again? She may be gone now. (I can hope!)
UPDATE: I'm writing this on Tuesday. I saw T (with son!) on Saturday when the above was written, and I must say that it went very well. We were not harsh, but both my son and I got our collective points across to the T. He apologized (as he's done before), but I can really see that we are a bit of a challenge for him. He just doesn't know what to do with us. It's not that we are so difficult, but this T is a RETIRED high school psychologist and I believe that he told us that this is the first time he's attempted clinical psychology! OY VEY! So after our session, dear son has decided that this fellow is enough for him for the time being (unless I can find someone else who takes son's insurance) and I will see him PRN (as needed). And we are definitely ok with that.
One thing he said was that I did not APPEAR to be autistic, and that he would have never guessed it about me. Sheesh! I once took an online test over at wrongplanet dot net (a site for autistics) to "see if you are autistic". Well, one only had to achieve 16 points on this multiple choice quiz to suspect autism. I got 34 out of 36! Oh my!
My son has been clinically diagnosed PDD-NOS (autism) by a licensed doctor specializing in autism, but I have not. However, ds showed me a site for and by autistics on mIRC #AUTISM and it opened my eyes to what autism really is, especially for those of us who are high-functioning. I could see two things: a)that these good folks not only accepted their autism, but that they ENJOYED it and did NOT want to be changed or "CURED"! and b)that both my son and I were truly autistic, too. It was a revelation for me, and explained so many things that had confused me about both of our behaviors. It tends to run in families, and my father was the beginning of it in ours. Most people see autistics as those who have below level intelligence, are non-verbal and non-communicative, and often self-stimulate in some way, like put a saucepan over their head and hit the pot with something metallic to make noises. That is low functioning autistic behavior, but it in no way describes my ds and I. Hell, you can't shut me up!!
But making friends is very difficult for us. My father was standoffish. Hated "going to see the relatives" or parties, and would avoid crowds like the plague! We never EVER had people over, although MD was a potential social butterfly longing for attention and adoration, but a limited one due to my father's reluctance. I'm rather like my father.
But this morning I am toying with an old idea that may be resurrected! I used to belly dance! I LOVE belly dancing! Once N took me to a dance recital in 2010 and they had belly dancers there and I nearly came unglued!! Long ago, I had danced, taught by a wild man from Yemen, and I got pretty good at it. In fact, I love to dance! I'm not in very good shape anymore, and I'll be 71 next month. But dammit, I LOVE to dance! When I was a kid, I took acrobatics, hula, tap...you name it! Even ballroom, and yes, BELLY DANCING in my 20s! I vaguely remembered seeing that they were offering belly dancing lessons for SENIORS over at the Senior Center, so I checked it out on my computer, and YES, THEY ARE! And they are given on TUESDAYS AT 6PM! And I believe I'll go TONIGHT! What a HOOT!
I guess I will see, won't I? My first tiny step out the door...wish me luck, dear Fleur! Between this and the new dresses that are on the way...who am I anymore!!!? It seems that the farther away from MD I get (and I mean PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY AWAY FROM HER!!), the gutsier and more self-rewarding I get! And that has to be a good thing!!!
I'm currently putting together my cookbook. Yesterday I assembled about half of it, putting the already copied recipes onto a Word document, adjusted and printed out onto sheets of computer paper, slid into heavy duty sheet protectors, and placed in some semblance of ORDER into labeled binders. (There are by now 10 of them, and maybe by the end, 11!) I should finish it up this morning. Next step? Clean out the rest of the mystery boxes from the kitchen. There are a LOT fewer of them than there were! And place my cookbook(s) in the nice clean kitchen and try out some of these recipes! YUM!
I'd better get at those cookbooks (Cauliflower and Cabbage, Nothing but Cookies, Meat, Soul Bread - and other Bready Wonders, Soups, Favorites, Other Veggies, Baked Goods- Muffins, Instant Pot PC, Sweets, Candies, Fat Bombs, and Desserts). I may have to split the Meat one into two: Chicken in one, Other Meat in another. It's quite a project!! And a never-ending one! There is so much out there on the internet now! And I am always amazed at people's ingenuity in writing recipes that sound DELICIOUS! So the cookbooks will continue to grow. And it's very soothing to me to do this.
Love to you, Fleur, your son, and of course, Soxy, that old rascal!
Honeybera
I have much to say re: your post. Let me start...
I'm honestly quite happy to hear you say that. It was why I wrote to you about it. I could hear from your post that you were concerned for me, and I can appreciate that. I know that I always equated "fasting" with "starvation" until I began to dig around and study "intermittent fasting".
And I am actually losing weight...finally! It seems that I have indeed found a method that works for me! YAY! I should have known how to do that earlier, but sometimes the most obvious escapes me: Eat when HUNGRY (not merely at "eating" or "meal" time), NO snacking between meals, and eat non-sugary and non-starchy foods (for my diabetes) until nicely satisfied (NOT stuffed). Simple! As are most solutions are that work. I'm very happy with this WOE, and it's not very difficult to do, especially since I've been working on getting the food part of it right since 2007. And low carb eating is coming back into "fashion" again, so folks don't judge me or what I'm doing or why. That's always a big help. We got take-out food from a nice restaurant yesterday (Birthday Dinner fare) and I ordered appropriate steak and veggies. Funniest thing was: I like my own cooking better!
And they trimmed all the fat off the meat! Fat is the best part to me! I'm also working on my cookbook again. So far, it's filling NINE 2" binders!
Today's recipe that I'm copying? Highfalutin’ Low Carb Zucchini Casserole! from a Highfalutin' Low Carb YouTube video. OMG, it looks SO GOOD! YUM! I just stumbled onto this guy's site, and IMO he is GREAT! He prepares and compares SEVERAL related but different low carb recipes from well-known sites on the web. He'll make 3-4 different styles of bread, biscuits, "corn" bread, for example, or he'll just "remake" a recipe from high carb into low carb, allowing me to then enjoy it. I'm also studying DietDoctor dot com. WONDERFUL! These sites help me so much, and I am grateful for the time and effort these good folks pour into them and then share them with others who are on a restricted diet. I'm learning so much! I'm feeling the need to join some LCHF group online to have a friend (or several) to share all of this with. I was on lowcarbfriends dot com some time ago but ran into a nasty and mean-spirited troll on there and I FLED after it became apparent that reasoning with her would do no good! Perhaps I should try, try again?
She may be gone now. (I can hope!)IMO, that post was a big too strong for him to see. But I will share my feelings. I may even take my son with me. He has so much experience on the internet and with trolls that he is a real diplomatic resource. I wish my T no ill, but his behavior is extraordinarily insensitive, especially in his profession! If he is as unaware as he appears, he needs to be told in a way that he can relate to and understand so that he can change it if he desires.
UPDATE: I'm writing this on Tuesday. I saw T (with son!) on Saturday when the above was written, and I must say that it went very well. We were not harsh, but both my son and I got our collective points across to the T. He apologized (as he's done before), but I can really see that we are a bit of a challenge for him. He just doesn't know what to do with us.
It's not that we are so difficult, but this T is a RETIRED high school psychologist and I believe that he told us that this is the first time he's attempted clinical psychology! OY VEY! So after our session, dear son has decided that this fellow is enough for him for the time being (unless I can find someone else who takes son's insurance) and I will see him PRN (as needed). And we are definitely ok with that. One thing he said was that I did not APPEAR to be autistic, and that he would have never guessed it about me. Sheesh!
I once took an online test over at wrongplanet dot net (a site for autistics) to "see if you are autistic". Well, one only had to achieve 16 points on this multiple choice quiz to suspect autism. I got 34 out of 36! Oh my! My son has been clinically diagnosed PDD-NOS (autism) by a licensed doctor specializing in autism, but I have not. However, ds showed me a site for and by autistics on mIRC #AUTISM and it opened my eyes to what autism really is, especially for those of us who are high-functioning. I could see two things: a)that these good folks not only accepted their autism, but that they ENJOYED it and did NOT want to be changed or "CURED"! and b)that both my son and I were truly autistic, too. It was a revelation for me, and explained so many things that had confused me about both of our behaviors. It tends to run in families, and my father was the beginning of it in ours. Most people see autistics as those who have below level intelligence, are non-verbal and non-communicative, and often self-stimulate in some way, like put a saucepan over their head and hit the pot with something metallic to make noises. That is low functioning autistic behavior, but it in no way describes my ds and I. Hell, you can't shut me up!!
But making friends is very difficult for us. My father was standoffish. Hated "going to see the relatives" or parties, and would avoid crowds like the plague! We never EVER had people over, although MD was a potential social butterfly longing for attention and adoration, but a limited one due to my father's reluctance. I'm rather like my father.
But this morning I am toying with an old idea that may be resurrected! I used to belly dance! I LOVE belly dancing! Once N took me to a dance recital in 2010 and they had belly dancers there and I nearly came unglued!! Long ago, I had danced, taught by a wild man from Yemen, and I got pretty good at it. In fact, I love to dance! I'm not in very good shape anymore, and I'll be 71 next month. But dammit, I LOVE to dance! When I was a kid, I took acrobatics, hula, tap...you name it! Even ballroom, and yes, BELLY DANCING in my 20s! I vaguely remembered seeing that they were offering belly dancing lessons for SENIORS over at the Senior Center, so I checked it out on my computer, and YES, THEY ARE! And they are given on TUESDAYS AT 6PM! And I believe I'll go TONIGHT!
What a HOOT! I guess I will see, won't I? My first tiny step out the door...wish me luck, dear Fleur! Between this and the new dresses that are on the way...who am I anymore!!!? It seems that the farther away from MD I get (and I mean PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY AWAY FROM HER!!), the gutsier and more self-rewarding I get! And that has to be a good thing!!!
I'm currently putting together my cookbook. Yesterday I assembled about half of it, putting the already copied recipes onto a Word document, adjusted and printed out onto sheets of computer paper, slid into heavy duty sheet protectors, and placed in some semblance of ORDER into labeled binders. (There are by now 10 of them, and maybe by the end, 11!) I should finish it up this morning. Next step? Clean out the rest of the mystery boxes from the kitchen. There are a LOT fewer of them than there were! And place my cookbook(s) in the nice clean kitchen and try out some of these recipes! YUM!
I can only serve to be a good example. He sees what I am doing. I have voiced my opinion of his eating habits, and he knows how I feel about it. He doesn't enjoy gardening nor the fruits of my garden. Only time and his own heart and conscience can change him now. But he does know that I'm there for him, and if/when I pass, he will have my cookbooks to guide him. I have enabled him and taught him to cook. That's about all I can do now.
I'd better get at those cookbooks (Cauliflower and Cabbage, Nothing but Cookies, Meat, Soul Bread - and other Bready Wonders, Soups, Favorites, Other Veggies, Baked Goods- Muffins, Instant Pot PC, Sweets, Candies, Fat Bombs, and Desserts). I may have to split the Meat one into two: Chicken in one, Other Meat in another. It's quite a project!! And a never-ending one! There is so much out there on the internet now! And I am always amazed at people's ingenuity in writing recipes that sound DELICIOUS! So the cookbooks will continue to grow.
And it's very soothing to me to do this. Love to you, Fleur, your son, and of course, Soxy, that old rascal!
Honeybera