Letting go

[honeybera]

Wow. What was I saying about happiness? I have to admit: it's a daily chore to stay happy and positive. I think it's that way for everyone, and for me it's a conscious effort sometimes. This morning (afternoon really - after a series of incoming calls from "daytime" people who kept waking me up just as I'd drift back off to sleep) I stepped out into my backyard to feed the dogs and see how my garden was growing. Dear old Dot, my faithful "yard companion" dog came up to me (as usual), but as I looked at her, she just staggered and keeled over! She tried to right herself, but keeled over again, floundering, very similar to Ms. T's behavior. I immediately could see that dear old Dot may be on her way out, too. OMG.

So I brought old Dot in and gave her a reassuring pet and the pork chop bone from last night's dinner to chew on, which she loved!

I HATE GRIEF!!!! I first recognized grief when I was going through my first divorce in 1969. I was glad to be rid of my no-good husband, but suddenly I was ON MY OWN for the first time (blessedly away from parent's home to husband from ages 18-23 and now truly alone for the first time ) and then the GRIEF hit, like a hole deep in my chest where my ♥ should be. I did NOT know how to "BE ALONE" nor did I understand the difference between aloneness (alone time) vs. being lonely. I had no experience with it and was horribly uncomfortable with it (truly an UNDERSTATEMENT!) I became suicidal for a couple of years with constant su until I heard the expression: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That turned my head around.

I guess that grief is a part of life. It's a tough part. I'm seeing the ebb and flow lately, the good and the bad of life, the joys and happinesses vs. despair and grief and the inevitable depression. I have 4 dogs that I dearly love, but that I have not gotten to know for much of their lives since I was working. How did I end up with four dogs? T is the mama dog, and the rest are her purebred pups. I got the bright idea to have her bred and SELL the pups. She had 5 females! But when it came time to sell them, I just couldn't. We kept 3 of the pups: Dot, Spot, and Butterbutt. She whelped them in 2005, when she was 2 (DS, then 19, did all the "midwife" routine and did a smashing job for his first time with birth) - and now I have 4 dogs, one 15 and three 13 yrs. old. The oldest has canine dementia - and now so does Dot????? My God, I hope not!!!! T no longer recognizes us, she no longer barks or runs (and she was SO fast out there in the yard and by FAR the dominate dog). But if we call her now, she either turns away or ignores us. We can't keep her inside due to her incontinence for she's apparently forgotten to be housebroken. She used to be so fidgety and feisty that I could NOT hold her in my lap to pet her. Now? She forgets and just lays there and even nuzzles up against me. In a lucid moment I may even get a lick of gratitude. My old dog is gone. And for me it's like staring Old Age in the face in the most painful way possible, the DAILY observance of the SLOW and gradual passing of my beloved Ms. T. It's really tough not to be depressed over this...AND NOW DOT??

I also noticed the pronounced salt-and-pepper muzzle on Spot, my "in-house overnight companion" dog, an aggressive barker and biter if anyone she doesn't know comes near. She gives me peace on those nights when DS is working. But seeing her aging muzzle and head made me see the truth: some sad days of grief are coming to me to cope up with the best I can. Oh Lordy!

===========================================================(next day)

Dot seems to be fine today. First glimpses of a problem? I do not know. But today (right now) is bright and sunny AND in the 70ºs and DS helped me with the yard a bit last evening and I'm planting my ChaCha Chives today. FINALLY! They are beginning to look "weak" and DS helped me set up my tall "herb planters" next to my WOW. I will have fresh herbs right outside of my WOW to clip and enjoy. SO NICE! I also made bone broth and cleaned up my old stove. Only the two front burners work on it, but not having the use of either the microwave and the stove as I cleaned it was a trying experience on our keto WOE. But this morning I can bake and fry again , and what an appreciation of having a microwave I am building by NOT having one!!!

Last night I watched My 600 Lb. Life and saw/heard something that gave me pause: the lady had lost something like 400 lbs. after her bariatric surgery and wanted to get a new hairdo "to celebrate". My hair has always been a BIG issue with me, mostly due to MD and some rather horrible and untalented beauticians who mangled my hair. The woman on "600 lb." complained that due to her massive and morbid obesity she had become a "recluse" and that SHE had shut out the world. (Oooh, point taken!!!) She said, "When you are that much overweight, your appearance is a lesser priority. No one cares anymore how you look." As she neared the 200 lb. mark, she decided to become more "social" and began to wear makeup and have her hair styled. I totally identified with her in that aspect! I'm not quite there yet, but it made me realize that it's ME that is responsible for ME. As I lose this weight (FINALLY!!!! There IS an answer and it's EASY!), I'm beginning to wonder more and more about...well, being social, and as MD puts it, "dolling up". MD always said, "You gotta doll up to get 'em, you gotta doll up to keep 'em!!" referring to men. I did notice that most of these 600+ lb. women had/have husbands, even when their husbands had to bathe their hideously fat bodies and all the rolls of fat and stench of the infections and skin conditions that happen with that measure of obesity! So my conclusion to this observation is that I do NOT have to "doll up" to "get a man". OK. Then that means that I would be doing the "dolling up" for ME. And I'm more comfortable with that by the day!

Oh, and CLEANING UP, too, and in fact, KEEPING UP with each mess as it happens...AND FINISHING a job, too! This has ALWAYS been a problem with me. But it's MY CHOICE to do so...or even NOT to do so!! Did MD start me in this bad habit? Well, of course she did! But she has NOTHING to do with what I do as an independent ADULT! NO INFLUENCE WHATSOEVER!!!! So I need to begin to DECIDE what it is that I want! Truly, deep down inside, no blame to MD, in fact no blame at all! WHAT DO I WANT?? What are MY standards?? What am I comfortable with? And then that's exactly what I'll do.

I've also decided that I'm having a mid-afternoon meal (large and about 2-3pm with Dr. Phil) and a small(er) meal at about 6pm (at the latest and IF NECESSARY) and the rest of the day fasting. Even my "large" meals are getting naturally smaller, like one pork chop instead of two and even smaller salads. I'm just not that hungry!!!!! (What a miracle!) And I stop when I'm full. Or full-ish. Comfortable! And I'm not hungry until the next day. I never weigh myself (what's the point?), appreciate my NSVs, and can do this WOE for the rest of my life EASILY. I am beginning to see why MD was so jealous of me to feel the need to suppress me: I am TINY under this mountain of fat! I cannot wait to see the real ME again! I have a very small bone structure, tiny and petite, and I no longer have to hide it anymore so MD won't "get me". Nuts to that!! And there's no reason to upset MD: I'll just avoid her and we'll BOTH be happy!!

Time for both lunch and planting those ChaCha chives, plus whatever else I can! DS has promised that he will pull up the rest of those whippy weeds today, too, and move all of my strawberry tall planters over to the east side of the house (= morning sun, afternoon shade during the summer and house warmth during the winter! YAY!). Perfect spot for them!! In the meantime, I'll be spreading straw over where we've pulled the whippy weeds so they DON'T come back. Once he's moved the strawberry planters (all 5 of them...so far) to their more protected spot, I can handle it from there - and BTW, strawberries are keto friendly IF not eaten in abundance! I'm still prepping several SmartPots of varying sizes, too, and hauling the rest of those heavy bags of soil, but all in all, it's coming right along!! SO HAPPY!!

Thanks for being there to help me to think/plan this all out! Gotta get out there NOW.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Something has happened to my brain! All of a sudden I'm sleeping for 13 hrs. last night AND could still happily sleep MORE. I have NO energy! I don't know what this is. No headache or anything else except a SEVERELY SHARP pain in my middle finger of my left hand when I woke up that required aspirin, and this overwhelming feeling of exhaustion. Wow. From the pinnacles to the pits! I had been doing so well.

I was able to finish processing my bone broth from the Instant Pot into big glass jars and into the fridge with help from DS. I REALLY NEED TO do work in the garden, but haven't got the strength to do so. My brain is foggy, too. Just this incredible "spaciness". And EXHAUSTION!!!

I was able to spray the ants invading my stove (and scouts on the sideboard). I won't have a proper stove and NO microwave at all until next Wed. I need to make more muffins because we are ALL OUT. I never let that happen! I just hope that I have the strength to do so.

Not every day is a holiday here.

Honeybera

[wolfspirit]

Honeybera,
I know that feeling! I was way low on vitamin D one time. Another time is was iron.
Another time I was in a severe depression.
It's hard not to have energy. I hope you figure that out!

No muffins = nothing to eat with tea

hugs,

ws

[honeybera]

Thank you, ws! I'm already taking a multivitamin with iron. This morning I felt a bit better and went out and planted one Beefmaster Tomato, got my herb garden over in the planters (ON the soil in the pots, tomorrow IN the soil), and gave everything a big old gulp of water. I also harvested my Aprium (apricot-plum hybrid). Last year I only got two off there; this year around 20 of them. Nice and sweet and tasty! I had three of them for dessert for dinner. YUM!

I set up the herb garden over next to the 5' tall picket fence in 3' tall stilted planters standing on straw (weed control). The fence face east-west so that the herbs only get morning sun and are sheltered (shaded) after noon(ish). I believe it should be an ideal placement for each herb (chives, marjoram, basil, tarragon, and English thyme...so far). Their placement is really important, especially through the 90ºF+ temps in June and the 100ºs+ in July and August. That can damage them if they get too hot. One whole planter is dedicated to both regular chives and ChaCha chives, and they reseed themselves every year. YAY!! Chives cut up into keto friendly mashed Faux-Tatoes (cauliflower) is SO good!!

I figure that if I can just get up at 6am-9or 10am before it gets HOT out there, I'll be ok. I forgot to take my Tart Cherry/Celery Seed capsules and did not get much sleep for several nights and I think it began to take its toll. I'm about to go to bed now. Lots to do tomorrow in the garden and getting ready for my new appliances being installed. I cannot believe just how much I use my microwave! My current one is completely shot. And my stove only has the two front burners working. So it's a big deal for me!

DS set up my WORX wheelbarrow for me today, too, which I can use to move all these 20 and 30 gallon pots around the yard tomorrow. And PLANT my poor patient herbs! And maybe the rest of my tomatoes and peppers and some "companion" flowers. 100ºF temps all week long, so only working in the morning. It's 9pm right now so off to bed with me!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Hello! I finally planted my "poor patient herbs" yesterday!! This is a big deal for me. I FINISHED something! I need to get more and more in the habit of FINISHING things, all things! I was so pushed away from doing anything but being "the only child" before my dear brother was born (when I was 10 yrs. old)...MD's favorite saying to me was (IN A CONDESCENDINGLY DISGUSTED TONE!), "Get out of my way, (my name), because I can do it 10 times faster and 10 times better than YOU!" Tie a shoe, comb my hair, get dressed, even bathe...until I was around 12 and my dad was getting uncomfortable with it. And of course she could outdo me (I was a child, for Pete's sake!)...and would...and then she'd be upset when I just gave up and did nothing but not dirty up her pristine house that you couldn't live in anyway (under threat of severe punishment). She's OCD and her personal "value" is, as a housewife, to keep and maintain a PERFECTLY CLEAN house. Oh, and make dinner. Never showed me HOW, just did it all for me. She was a PERFECT house cleaner, a good cook (although in my eyes a wasteful one, throwing all leftovers OUT in the garbage, even roast beef, so her fridge would "look good", too) , and our laundry was all ironed and folded and placed in our drawers, like magic. But ABSOLUTELY NOTHING was expected of ME. In fact, I would be punished if I did try to do anything. It was horrible and taught me shame.

When I went into Brownies (after bombing out of Campfire Girls due to lack of participation and apparent disinterest since it was MD's idea for me to go in the first place), it was time for this Brownie to "fly up" into Girl Scouts...and I did the same thing I'd done in Campfire Girls...NOTHING!! I had been trained from day One to just sit still and be quiet and don't make a mess, and I was good at it. But if MD didn't launder my clothes and comb my hair and dress me, I had no idea just how to do it. NONE. And for this, MD called me many unkind names, like LAZY, STUPID, BAGGAGE, and TRAMP. Maybe threw in a FLOOZY or something else while beating me. I remember that she told my father once (one of the rare times he objected): "If I don't do her hair (etc), she'll look ridiculous attempting to do it herself!"

So when it came time to "fly up" to GS, I did what I was trained to do and just sat there. Same thing I did re: my 6th grade graduation - I deliberately did NOT turn in my report on Alaska (although MD wrote the report for me since I would NOT do it - while I just sat there, quiet and not messing up her house) and, knowing that it was in my desk the next day (the day of the BIG GRADUATION PARTY), denied having it to my teacher, missed the field trip/graduation party and had to sit with the 5th grade class for the day (which I preferred). Defiant? Oh hell yes, I was!!! And I still am, albeit somewhat less intense.

So it is important to me at this late date, some 7 decades later, give or take a decade, that I UN-learn my learned helplessness! That I learn now HOW TO FINISH THINGS! And between my plants that count on me for water, planting, and so on...AND MOTHER NATURE herself, who truly expects me to comply as I should at any given moment in time or else wait again until next year to do so, without regard for my depressions or healing up from my childhood or whatever, I'm finally being held accountable for whatever I'm doing...and IT FEELS GREAT!!!

I need to FINISH cleaning up this house (garage, kitchen, you name it! FINISH!!!) and I need to FINISH my raised beds and all my many pots...AND I need to FINISH this season by watering (with the hose, all hand watered ATM) EVERY SINGLE DAY! And I've been marking it on a big calendar in my room so I can see what needs watering and what doesn't...FOR THAT DAY. The tomatoes are going in tonight, the herb garden is DONE and is placed nicely (so they get a combo of morning sun and afternoon shade because the "triple digit" temperatures are coming), and I need to spread some straw (a more vigorous job than it sounds!!), place the squash and tomatoes on it in their pots, and that is about it for right now.

The work done right now is setting it all up for next year. I can see that I need to "clean" the yard in like Dec/Jan instead of waiting until it's more springlike, and that includes winter pruning and spraying the trees. And in late August, I'm planting my FIRST EVER Winter garden. I'm understanding the timeline of Mother Nature more with every passing season. I hear her and don't mind complying. I'm understanding more and more WHEN to plant my seeds and put them under my grow lights. I know more and more WHERE to plant them and keep them healthy. This is healthy for me, too, because when I see the tiny squash pop up out there, it REWARDS ME! Mother Nature never scolds me unless I haven't done it right, and then she just ALLOWS me to suffer the consequences of my OWN ACTIONS. I can certainly live with that. BECAUSE IT PUTS ME IN CHARGE of whatever it is I'm doing and makes me pay attention. And I am also the one getting the rewards whenever I am successful. ♥I LOVE THAT!!♥

It's nearly time for my eating window, which is usually about 2-3 pm until 6-7 pm. Other than that, I don't eat, and the weight is slowly dissolving off my body!! YAY!!! My new microwave is already installed. We will be picking up the oven probably tomorrow and will just store it in the garage until ready to install that, too. I need to clean that up a bit today and make room. This whole "house" project is also (like my weight) slowly transforming into something wonderful. I just need to FINISH, and get into the habit of FINISHING. One project at a time. They say in the Anonymous 12-step programs: "Progress, not perfection." and "One Step at a Time". I like that. As long as I'm moving in the right direction, FINISHING one part of this overwhelming task...oh wait. That's the same thing Mark Twain is saying. Well GOOD! I feel like I'm on the right track!

I'd better get busy now. {{{{{{{ALL OF YOU!!!}}}}}}}

Honeybera

[wolfspirit]

honeybera,
I really appreciate your posts. They are full of emotion, playfulness, seriousness, character, intensity, description...you have a strong sense of self despite your MD and her attempts to take all that from you.

Here's to an overflowing garden that will get weeded one day at a time!

ws

[honeybera]

Hey wolfspirit! Thanks for saying that to me! So very kind of you. We all need a pat on the back from time to time.

I have figured it out that no matter what MD did to me, I'll be damned if I'll let her win her rotten game at this late date. I honestly think that (again) Mother Nature is at work here, and WAY deep down, MD has SOME minute affection for me as her daughter. I believe strongly that IF I had been "that perfect daughter" that she claims to have dreamed of, she would have brutalized HER even more!!! There's something not quite right in that woman's noggin. She's more wounded than me regarding a terrible childhood, yet after my father passed away, she is left to deal with her old age ALL ALONE and in self-generated misery. Not a very happy picture. I am alone, too, but at least I've been busy over the last several decades coming to peace with it. She has not. I have sympathy/empathy for her, but I also know when to stay away from her venomous bite by standing a ways away from her in a self-protective mode. She's still a conniver and is still cray-cray. Hurting and upsetting me is her method of entertainment and amusement...how sad for her.

I'm finding that for me, the worse it was for me, the more I can appreciate my happiness and the FREEDOM to be so NOW. My garden, as MY dream slowly becomes a reality, is my healing and my solace. So is cleaning out the garage (which I'm beginning this evening as it cools down around here), making my new batch of keto muffins ( which I'll do in a minute), and doing my laundry today. HOW BLESSED I AM!!!

I need to get to doing all of that. Appreciation of what one has NOW is important, too, though. It makes me happy that I named my thread what I did. Letting Go is aka forgiveness, a concept that I had a hard time accepting and dealing with. I was afraid MD would never be punished for what she has done, both to me and others...and would continue to do if allowed to. But LIFE has decided what will be for her, and it ain't pretty. All my life, she would throw out a piece of "love" for me to see and come near and crave and then SMACK!!!!!!!! "Gotcha!" Well, who's got who now??

Thank heavens I have all of you wonderful fellow survivors to talk to whenever I want to, and that heals me as much as the garden does. I get to write this all out (journal style) and read and reread it...and I also noticed that I SOLVE my OWN problems as I write them down. It's better than therapy!

One last thing...I cleared out my closet today of all my OLD 3X tops!! They just don't fit anymore! I'm in a 2x now and even they are getting loose on me. (SO HAPPY!!!!!) I had so many 3Xs!! But I also found buried in among them were six 2X tops as well! I'd go, "YAY!!" every time I'd find another one and lovingly hang it up where I can easily access it.

So I FINALLY ordered two more tops (the same patterns [32" long tunic with patch pockets - my "uniform"] but in different patterned cloth)...ONE in a 1X and ONE in an XL!!! I will try those on (when they get here) whenever my 2Xs get too loose on me. I AM LOVING THIS!

I need to get to work now!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

I've been really busy for the last few days fixing up the garden. There's still lots to do, but it's getting hotter as we near July (should be 107ºF by this weekend! ) and I've done quite a lot already! As I work, I'm soaking my gardening gloves in sweat! "Sweat equity"? I'm only working in the "cool" of the morning. When it gets too hot, I stop working and/or come in for a bit.

I've gotten several ideas re: the planning of WHERE everything should go. Tomatoes in their 30 gallon pots, go up against the back fence with TOTAL DIRECT (BLASTING) SUNLIGHT, and each one with its own marigold "companion" plant. I have several planted already. They look so cute! ALL the squashes will go right outside of my WOW so they get max. sunlight and I can happily water them and watch them grow (and pick the zucchinis and others easily). I put in what peppers I have so far (3 of them: "green" [so unimaginative! ] , pepperoncini, and jalapeno) in RB#2 (FULL SUN) along with the "burpless" cucumbers on its trellis (there are two big cukes on there already!), and I spread nice chopped fine straw all over them to maintain moisture and weed control. Even the lemons are blossoming again! And my Donut peaches are just about due to be picked (like in another week or so), as are the Santa Rosa plums, the sweetest plums I've ever had. I have the rest of the crop of Aprium plums sitting in my fridge - just delicious, but I can't eat them all to my head due to the fructose in them (sugar/carbs). So two a day must suffice.

From my experiences last year, I even know which support works best with what plant. Red for the BIG tomatoes (Beefmaster, Steakhouse, and Lemon Boy), Green for the oddball tomatoes (Orange Oxheart and Pink Oxheart, 1 pot of each, and the Gladiator, a "pulp" tomato for sauces and soups I think). I also have my usual "mystery plant", a tomato, but I don't know what kind yet. I'll know when I see some tomatoes on it. I'm rooting for Mr. Stripey or Mortgage Lifter, but we'll see what it turns out to be. Every year I have some weird plant just grow, and I always allow them to survive. They've spontaneously grown from seed against all odds; they deserve to live.

I have supports for all of my peppers, too. Oh, and for my 3 kinds of cherry tomatoes (white, Sungold, and red SuperSweet 100s): the VERY tall 2-piece Black square wire cage, with nice big openings for picking and lots of room between the pots for me to maneuver in and around for watering/picking/fertilizing and it all SITS ON straw = no weeds!! It looks SO NICE!!

As I was taking a break this morning from the heat, just sitting in my gray plastic chair outside in the nice cool shade, surrounded by my lazily sunbathing dogs and hearing the occasionally buzzing bees and with birds flying overhead, I realized just how pleasant and serene I'm making this common backyard. It is like an oasis for me. A place of peace and calm. It is well worth every effort that I am making. This is MY home and I'm creating this quiet, relaxing environment and making it exactly as I wish. How nice is that?!

Much to do inside now, too. {{{{{{{{{{ALL OF YOU!}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera

[wolfspirit]

Oh gardens are so complex to me! Sounds like you've tapped into a passion of yours honeybera!
I can hardly keep my bushes alive.
I love my backyard, too. We are adjacent to an open space (hard to come by where we live). There's a redwood tree I love to sit under. Watched a woodpecker getting a snack this morning.

<3

ws

[honeybera]

Sounds like you've tapped into a passion of yours honeybera!

Gardening is a passion of mine! MD planted some Beefsteak tomatoes in our backyard when I was a kid, but I watered them and picked them and sold them around the neighborhood out of my red Radio Flyer wagon with our bathroom scale in it. I sold these big, juicy, ripe (and organic before its time) red tomatoes to the housewives (circa 1950s) for 5¢/lb. and made $27.00 that summer. Then MD decided that we'd go on a "family" trip to a local amusement park, including my twin best friends, and took my money from me and split it 3 ways between us kids. Needless to say, that lesson (in other words, I work and my money is taken from me and given away to others without my permission) stopped me from ever doing that again. Hard lesson for a kid. One of my intense "learned helplessness" lessons given by MD! The twins had a cracking good time blowing my money (and in the 1950s, $9.00 was a LOT of money!) and I was miserable. Then MD got mad at me for "not having a good time".

But now...I'm finally able to realize my passion again. I have a local health food store that I sell to, and I know that my neighbors will reap the benefits of my little backyard farm (WITHOUT MD's interference). I loved that and riding the bus, and eventually that's how I made my living (driving the bus). And now every month a nice fat pension check drops into my bank. So despite MD, I've done alright and done what I love to do. 3 NEENERS!!!

And why not? We only go through this life once. And I worked so hard to get here! I mostly drove my transit bus in the evening/night, getting off work at around 11pm or midnight, sometimes even later, and I had many "adventures" along the way, some downright dangerous. Then I'd drive home 100 miles away. It was rough, but a heck of a lot easier than when I was on welfare (the dole), living in subsidized housing and struggling to get by as a single parent. That was the toughest job I've ever had. All MD (and my father) did was watch me. Never helped. Just watched, lived very comfortably, and counted their money. That's where the $700,000.00 that MD gave to my brother came from. I could starve on welfare and they didn't help, but just let my already rich brother ask for the estate early and MD was right there for him. It's hard not to be bitter. But going there wouldn't serve to right anything, would it, so why bother?

I need to get back to the garden now. Triple digit temps are heading my way this weekend. It's in the high 90s now (as a high) and I have to get my work done early or not at all. I FINISHED FILLING the last of the 30 gallon pots this morning!!!! YAY!! I lugged them over by the back fence on the straw and the tomatoes are about to go in them. (That's the EASY part!!) I planted 3 more squash pots last night (a golden scallop, a golden crookneck, and a straightneck)...so yes, I'll have a lot of squash later on! But it's so much better than the squash, tomatoes, and peppers that you get in the grocery stores. And I need to pick my donut peaches in the next few days. The trees are LOADED with these tiny, sweet, flat white peaches. I had some last night and they were SO GOOD!

Yeah, wolfspirit, you are right. I do have a passion for this. I only wish I could ♥share♥ with all of you. I wouldn't even charge you 5¢/lb!

Honeybera