Hello Honeybera
Really great to know you and son are getting along so well
Grrr to both electrician and Dr - no firm time to fix power situation ; why suggest an injection that is not needed? Incomprehensible
Must be puzzling about blood sugar levels and meds. Ditto unexplained wrist pain - a brace will help to confirm whether you need to further check out pain; if no relief, please seek medical opinion, but you are your own best expert
Hopefully by the end of the week, all the electricity requests will be completed - if not by the original person, then another who is more reliable
Wishing you very well in all respects
Letting go
Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei
-
Fleur
- Member
- Posts: 13378
- Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am
Re: Letting go
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
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honeybera
- Member
- Posts: 1327
- Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am
Re: Letting go
Hey Fleur! 
----------------------------------------------------------
OMG!!! TRIGGER!!! I was watching "I Survived" on TV, one of my favorite shows about people who came very close to death, but survived. This lady just said, "I began to scream and he told me to be quiet or he was going to hurt me." I TRIGGERED BACK IMMEDIATELY to when I was going from 6th grade into 7th and was up at that summer bible camp and one of the pastors there cornered me on a back trail that I'd wandered onto leading deep into the redwoods and told me verbatim as he began to let go of my wrists and raised them to grab me around the neck, "Don't scream, little girl, unless you want to get hurt." OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that I've said this before on here, but it just registered with me that my parents came up to the camp the next day AFTER I'd called them on the night it had happened. Once they drove up the next day, they had spoken with me and then some church ladies, AND THEN MY PARENTS SIMPLY LEFT ME THERE!!!!!!!!!!! FOR A FREAKING WEEK MORE!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT KIND OF PARENTS DO THAT??????????? AND WHY????
And isn't "DADDY" supposed to PROTECT his daughter against things like this?!! As an 11 yr. old, why would I LIE about something like this?? I was truly an innocent!! They let me down and betrayed me in my darkest time - when I especially needed my family to be my "soft place to land" and to remove me from danger.
And what's worse, I had had to face my attacker 3 or more times EVERY DAY, him on a chair next to the pulpit facing us and staring daggers at me, for 7 more days because he was one of the pastors at the church camp!! No one believed me that DEAR PASTOR SO-AND-SO could have done such a thing and that I must be mistaken, BUT I WASN'T!!! And to hear this lady on TV use the same words for her attacker as I did...HORRIFYING!! It made me realize just how much jeopardy I was truly in and how close I had come to an even worse fate. No one was there for me. But I ran like a gazelle up that very steep hill to the right of me with this pedophile grabbing at my ankles to pull me back down, into the boy's tent area, STRICTLY FORBIDDEN for me to be there (and I didn't give it a thought at that time
), and I saved my own skin by doing so. I have done that SO many times in my life. And my parents were NEVER THERE to help me, neither protecting me nor emotionally or financially being supportive. Throughout my adult life, they would show up in their new car with MD dripping in diamonds, look down their collective noses at me in my impoverished state, and leave abruptly. When they left to go home this time at the camp, deciding to leave me in the clutches of the Church, a church I had never attended before EVER (we were agnostics or possibly atheists), I literally chased their car, crying my eyes out as it sped away and screaming for them to stop, but they left me there instead, unprotected and unloved. It's always been like this for me.
No one knew me at the camp. This was NOT my church (for I had no church affiliation nor familiarity with any of their church customs). I was not among friendly people and I felt shunned. I knew NO ONE! I was an 11 yr. old autistic whose mother had nicknamed me "Minnie, the Moose Nose" just to undermine my severely weakened self esteem a little more before going into Jr. High in a month or so.
I didn't know how to put on my clothes (and was NOT allowed to wear my shorts outfits or pants ANYWHERE at the camp, and MD had packed ONE DRESS "for church on Sunday", but we had to attend church at the camp a MINIMUM of 3 times a day DRESSED "APPROPRIATELY", including at meals! - So I wore that dress, my only acceptable garb for this strict church, for the entire WEEK, UNWASHED) - and I could not even comb my hair (MD had cleverly packed a COMB for my long tangled hair and nothing else - and I did NOT KNOW how to comb my own hair due to her combing it DAILY for me for fear I'd "make a mess of it!") - and so when I went to "church" 3x a day AND to all meals, I went dirty and disheveled, hair uncombed, teeth unbrushed...and sat there as my pedophile attacker stared at me, glaring at me for hours on end as I attempted to avoid his gaze. What a fun summer camp for Honey! 
I firmly believe that MD sent me there DELIBERATELY so that she and my father could "play house" with my adorable dear brother, 1½ yrs. at the time, and pretend that I did not exist! When I begged to come home due to this extremely dangerous assault (and who knows what else could have happened had I not escaped his grasp so narrowly), she CHOSE to believe those liars that were telling her that I was "just homesick" so she could continue her playtime without me there at home...underfoot. I darned near spoiled her plans by complaining of a pedophile's assault! Naughty me.
I am being impacted with the overwhelming knowledge that she has always been this nutty...and crafty and malicious. She didn't just hit me (although that was one of her favorite things to do once she got angry, sometimes with me, oftentimes not, but I ALWAYS got to be the recipient of her rage); she also had to keep her "MOVIE fantasy of perfection" pristine and intact. I was her "dolly" to dress and fix its hair. With as strong a personality as I have, that was doomed to be a point of conflict eventually. How did God in all His wisdom ever look down on her and say to Himself, "Ooh, I know where to put this new soul! WITH HER!" and point out MD just for me?
I've often wondered why I was given this fate? Strong enough? Perhaps. But I can guarantee you, I'M STRONG ENOUGH NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Go ahead and call me Minnie the Moose Nose NOW and see what it gets you!
And BTW, my nose is fine now and always has been!! She only ridiculed me like that to hurt me and undermine my positive self image, what there was of it. And she did do a great job of that, enough to keep me going to Ts for 40+ yrs. to figure out "what was wrong with me". Come to find out that it wasn't me at all, but HER. For so many, MANY years I gave all my power away to her for NOTHING! And now I REFUSE to do that anymore. I love her, but I don't LIKE her at all AND I do love myself. I can love her from afar and protect myself from her and her verbal assaults that she lambastes me with even to this day. And I'm so glad that I am now the one who protects me. I like me and intend to do a really good job of protection. And nuts to her! She has her money now and my brother, too, and I hope she's happy with that arrangement. She probably is.
I am SO GRATEFUL to have this site on the internet to sit down here and write it all out and give it away to you anytime one of these triggers goes off...and then let it go. Bless you all for this opportunity that I now have. ♥♥♥ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!♥♥♥
Back to my show now...
Honeybera
Oh, thank you, he is so fabulous lately! He seems to have rounded some sort of corner in his maturity, and I am really grateful for this new attitude. He's not a child anymore (blessedly!). If I can regain my health, I firmly believe that together we can get this mess in our home cleared up, and I have no doubt that I'll be getting better as time goes by.
I wholeheartedly agree! I intend to find someone else to troubleshoot and fix the electrical problems; maybe next week will do. It's been like this for about a decade or more already. A few more days shouldn't make a big difference, as long as
----------------------------------------------------------
OMG!!! TRIGGER!!! I was watching "I Survived" on TV, one of my favorite shows about people who came very close to death, but survived. This lady just said, "I began to scream and he told me to be quiet or he was going to hurt me." I TRIGGERED BACK IMMEDIATELY to when I was going from 6th grade into 7th and was up at that summer bible camp and one of the pastors there cornered me on a back trail that I'd wandered onto leading deep into the redwoods and told me verbatim as he began to let go of my wrists and raised them to grab me around the neck, "Don't scream, little girl, unless you want to get hurt." OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that I've said this before on here, but it just registered with me that my parents came up to the camp the next day AFTER I'd called them on the night it had happened. Once they drove up the next day, they had spoken with me and then some church ladies, AND THEN MY PARENTS SIMPLY LEFT ME THERE!!!!!!!!!!! FOR A FREAKING WEEK MORE!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT KIND OF PARENTS DO THAT??????????? AND WHY????
And isn't "DADDY" supposed to PROTECT his daughter against things like this?!! As an 11 yr. old, why would I LIE about something like this?? I was truly an innocent!! They let me down and betrayed me in my darkest time - when I especially needed my family to be my "soft place to land" and to remove me from danger.
And what's worse, I had had to face my attacker 3 or more times EVERY DAY, him on a chair next to the pulpit facing us and staring daggers at me, for 7 more days because he was one of the pastors at the church camp!! No one believed me that DEAR PASTOR SO-AND-SO could have done such a thing and that I must be mistaken, BUT I WASN'T!!! And to hear this lady on TV use the same words for her attacker as I did...HORRIFYING!! It made me realize just how much jeopardy I was truly in and how close I had come to an even worse fate. No one was there for me. But I ran like a gazelle up that very steep hill to the right of me with this pedophile grabbing at my ankles to pull me back down, into the boy's tent area, STRICTLY FORBIDDEN for me to be there (and I didn't give it a thought at that time
), and I saved my own skin by doing so. I have done that SO many times in my life. And my parents were NEVER THERE to help me, neither protecting me nor emotionally or financially being supportive. Throughout my adult life, they would show up in their new car with MD dripping in diamonds, look down their collective noses at me in my impoverished state, and leave abruptly. When they left to go home this time at the camp, deciding to leave me in the clutches of the Church, a church I had never attended before EVER (we were agnostics or possibly atheists), I literally chased their car, crying my eyes out as it sped away and screaming for them to stop, but they left me there instead, unprotected and unloved. It's always been like this for me.No one knew me at the camp. This was NOT my church (for I had no church affiliation nor familiarity with any of their church customs). I was not among friendly people and I felt shunned. I knew NO ONE! I was an 11 yr. old autistic whose mother had nicknamed me "Minnie, the Moose Nose" just to undermine my severely weakened self esteem a little more before going into Jr. High in a month or so.
I didn't know how to put on my clothes (and was NOT allowed to wear my shorts outfits or pants ANYWHERE at the camp, and MD had packed ONE DRESS "for church on Sunday", but we had to attend church at the camp a MINIMUM of 3 times a day DRESSED "APPROPRIATELY", including at meals! - So I wore that dress, my only acceptable garb for this strict church, for the entire WEEK, UNWASHED) - and I could not even comb my hair (MD had cleverly packed a COMB for my long tangled hair and nothing else - and I did NOT KNOW how to comb my own hair due to her combing it DAILY for me for fear I'd "make a mess of it!") - and so when I went to "church" 3x a day AND to all meals, I went dirty and disheveled, hair uncombed, teeth unbrushed...and sat there as my pedophile attacker stared at me, glaring at me for hours on end as I attempted to avoid his gaze. What a fun summer camp for Honey! I firmly believe that MD sent me there DELIBERATELY so that she and my father could "play house" with my adorable dear brother, 1½ yrs. at the time, and pretend that I did not exist! When I begged to come home due to this extremely dangerous assault (and who knows what else could have happened had I not escaped his grasp so narrowly), she CHOSE to believe those liars that were telling her that I was "just homesick" so she could continue her playtime without me there at home...underfoot. I darned near spoiled her plans by complaining of a pedophile's assault! Naughty me.
I am being impacted with the overwhelming knowledge that she has always been this nutty...and crafty and malicious. She didn't just hit me (although that was one of her favorite things to do once she got angry, sometimes with me, oftentimes not, but I ALWAYS got to be the recipient of her rage); she also had to keep her "MOVIE fantasy of perfection" pristine and intact. I was her "dolly" to dress and fix its hair. With as strong a personality as I have, that was doomed to be a point of conflict eventually. How did God in all His wisdom ever look down on her and say to Himself, "Ooh, I know where to put this new soul! WITH HER!" and point out MD just for me?
I've often wondered why I was given this fate? Strong enough? Perhaps. But I can guarantee you, I'M STRONG ENOUGH NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Go ahead and call me Minnie the Moose Nose NOW and see what it gets you!
And BTW, my nose is fine now and always has been!! She only ridiculed me like that to hurt me and undermine my positive self image, what there was of it. And she did do a great job of that, enough to keep me going to Ts for 40+ yrs. to figure out "what was wrong with me". Come to find out that it wasn't me at all, but HER. For so many, MANY years I gave all my power away to her for NOTHING! And now I REFUSE to do that anymore. I love her, but I don't LIKE her at all AND I do love myself. I can love her from afar and protect myself from her and her verbal assaults that she lambastes me with even to this day. And I'm so glad that I am now the one who protects me. I like me and intend to do a really good job of protection. And nuts to her! She has her money now and my brother, too, and I hope she's happy with that arrangement. She probably is. I am SO GRATEFUL to have this site on the internet to sit down here and write it all out and give it away to you anytime one of these triggers goes off...and then let it go. Bless you all for this opportunity that I now have. ♥♥♥ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!♥♥♥
Back to my show now...
Honeybera
Last edited by Ashia on Mon Oct 08, 2018 8:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content included
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content included
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Fleur
- Member
- Posts: 13378
- Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am
Re: Letting go
Oh, Honeybera
Triggers are so very sneaky arent they? Apart from sharing here, what helps you to calm?
Do I feel for your child self. I too am so thankful you escaped unwanted attention - I agree with you, that it could have ended truly badly
I hope you can say something like "f off you b" to that man. I don't care if he were any male (unacceptable), but to be one of the camp's pastors goes waaaay beyond .... In my mind, I'm shouting at him to leave you alone
Perhaps, in a strange twist, being dishevelled, wearing the same dress gradually getting grubbier, was protective
I am aware you have previously shared this memory. May you have let go some more of the angst
On the more positive, it is wonderful that you can separate MD from your life. Love, yet not like ... That is about the extent of my Dad and me
Great to know you are now loving yourself, finding joy being with your son, getting your home to the standard you prefer
May trades people attend to your requests soonest - arrive when they say, and complete an A1 job
Much caring
Triggers are so very sneaky arent they? Apart from sharing here, what helps you to calm?
Do I feel for your child self. I too am so thankful you escaped unwanted attention - I agree with you, that it could have ended truly badly
I hope you can say something like "f off you b" to that man. I don't care if he were any male (unacceptable), but to be one of the camp's pastors goes waaaay beyond .... In my mind, I'm shouting at him to leave you alone
Perhaps, in a strange twist, being dishevelled, wearing the same dress gradually getting grubbier, was protective
I am aware you have previously shared this memory. May you have let go some more of the angst
On the more positive, it is wonderful that you can separate MD from your life. Love, yet not like ... That is about the extent of my Dad and me
Great to know you are now loving yourself, finding joy being with your son, getting your home to the standard you prefer
May trades people attend to your requests soonest - arrive when they say, and complete an A1 job
Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
-
honeybera
- Member
- Posts: 1327
- Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am
Re: Letting go
I had a nice answer all written to you, dearest Fleur, but sadly, it was erased. 
I really do want to answer you, and perhaps it was erased for some "higher" reason that I'm not aware of, maybe to allow me to see this mess again from an adult's perspective...in detail. So here goes again...
And speaking of cleaning, lots of news there! I had DS pull all the boxes of VHS tapes out from under my kitchen table and then I swept and mopped. (And killed a Black Widow that was hiding in there!
) The tapes are in the front room and DS and I are going through them bit by bit. I wanted to just throw them out, but I'm glad that DS and I are going through them to see if there's anything worth keeping...and there was. To put a dozen or so tapes to DVD (which my tape player does) isn't a job that will take a year, but more like a weekend or two. MUCH more manageable! We're only keeping stuff that you can't even get on YouTube. That really narrows it down! We already have literally HUNDREDS of old VHS tapes in boxes by the front door AND the donation center takes them! That's a big tax deduction right there! And a lot more room in my house.
I also cleared off and CLEANED off (so dirty and dusty under there!) my kitchen table so that I can use it right now. I just got a BIG bunch of spices, some of which I want to put up into Ball canning jars and label nicely. I can even vacuum seal them with my Flavor Saver. I am so spoiled with all my gadgets. And I just found my wide-mouth canning funnel, so getting the spices into the jars should be a snap. I have a lot of still-bagged items out in the hobby room on the sideboard, I believe I'll do those as well.
I was telling you yesterday that I'd gone in to have tests requested by the doctor. They complained today that my triglycerides were "high" at 333.
YAY!! At one time (I believe in 2005 or so) my triglycerides were a whopping 2706 and normal is <150!! So I was NOT impressed with their complaints today. I have improved GREATLY in the last 13 yrs. My cholesterol (in 2005) was at 1200! But I just realized that they did not complain about my current cholesterol, so I wonder what it was. I quit all cholesterol meds back in Dec. 2017 after I began keto and watched a TON of highly scientific YouTube videos (they aren't all about dancing cats, etc) warning about cholesterol and the fear of it thereof. Remember how "bad" eggs were for you and now they are just fine to eat, yolks and all? I rest my case. And now not one peep about my cholesterol readings this time. Hmmm.
HOWEVER, the doctor's office called me last night and left a message, something about "conic liver disease" being indicated in my ultrasound. When I went to the internet, I realized that the office girl had misspoken and was trying to say chronic liver disease. I had been on a real high all day because, for the first time, I was IN KETOSIS (a VERY good thing!)(NOT ketoacidosis!!), which means I should start healing up soon from Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease (NAFLD) AND AND AND I found out WHY I am suddenly having severe gout attacks in both my feet and my left wrist. I have been (for DECADES!!) been building up uric acid deposits in my joints (painlessly and completely oblivious of it happening), but the ketones I am starting to develop due to my strict and healthy diet over these past 10 months (along with intermittent fasting of a 20:4 hr. daily fast or just eating one meal a day [OMAD]) are dissolving those uric acid deposits, loosening those razor sharp uric acid crystals right into my joints, and hence, the INCREDIBLE PAIN! The Tart Cherry capsules really do help ease the pain, especially taken with Celery Seed supplements. They also contain natural melatonin and my sleep schedule is back to normal now. YAY!! I'm also drinking approx. one gallon of water each day to flush everything out. I was SO THRILLED to realize this because I was afraid I would be asked to QUIT this WOE and I can assure you that with what I've learned from some very educated doctors and scientists I would have to absolutely REFUSE to quit this WOE!!!
Then came the "5pm on Thursday after the office was closed" voice mail message from the office girl telling me that I have "chronic liver disease". I worried all night and called them the next day. They said that they don't know what is wrong, but that they need me to take an MRI and that they'd "expedite it" for me. I haven't heard word one since Friday morning until now.
==========================================(Monday)
I woke up this morning in extreme pain...AGAIN. Both feet, both hands and wrists (gout pain), and the sharp, stabbing mystery pain in my right upper quadrant (possible liver?) this time. I had not heard from the doctor's office AGAIN since Thursday (the same office that did not get me a walker to use during another bout with this pain, but claimed that they did), nor did they "expedite" me getting an open MRI. I did find out that there is NOT an open MRI in my town (which the Dr's office said that they did), but there IS one in a town approx. 20 min. by car away. (I wasn't told of that; the office girl told me that the nearest open MRI was approx. 100 miles away. ) All this pain month after month is wearing on me and is making me cry in frustration and be irritable. IT'S BEEN MONTHS! Back in Aug., my doctor diagnosed me with "a strain in my latissimus dorsi" (a back muscle) even though I told him no, that that could NOT have been it. My next visit he claimed that it was pleurisy and pneumonia and gave me STRONG prescription meds for that even though even he claimed that he could hear no problems in my lungs. WHAT???? I am REALLY tired of these incompetent "health care" Keystone Cops!! I just want to make it until the first of the year so I can get back to my former doctor (and beloved friend) and his group. I've already made the appointment for Jan. 3rd 2019 and I can hardly wait.
BTW, I ended up making my own appt. for the open MRI for October 26th. I hope to find out what this PAIN is in my upper right back. I'm scared, but if it's just liver disease, that can be improved. All this waiting is making me feel depressed, but I need to find out and fix the problem. The gout, as I now understand it, is feeling bad due to the improvement of my health: the uric acid bundles that have been lurking painlessly for many years in my joints are now being released (VERY painfully!) due to my keto WOE. So I guess I have to just bear with it until it all clears up. I'm drinking lots of water.
My hands are hurting a lot right now. Better stop and give them a rest.
Honeybera
I really do want to answer you, and perhaps it was erased for some "higher" reason that I'm not aware of, maybe to allow me to see this mess again from an adult's perspective...in detail. So here goes again...Writing to all of you keeps me calm. It's like holding an awareness of love in my back pocket, a knowledge (that's deep and abiding) that I am far from "ugly" or "stupid", and that I belong somewhere. That gives me such peace because I KNOW that I have my computer right here and if it's 4 am or 4 pm, you all are right there with love and support. I know you said "apart from sharing here...", so I'll include cleaning my house and admiring the progress, watching TV, gardening (usually and when I'm up to it physically - I love to watch things grow), watching my comical wild birds eating and drinking and horsing around, my dogs, too (naturally), and playing my videogames. All of these things serve to calm me, entertain me, and make me smile.
And speaking of cleaning, lots of news there! I had DS pull all the boxes of VHS tapes out from under my kitchen table and then I swept and mopped. (And killed a Black Widow that was hiding in there!
) The tapes are in the front room and DS and I are going through them bit by bit. I wanted to just throw them out, but I'm glad that DS and I are going through them to see if there's anything worth keeping...and there was. To put a dozen or so tapes to DVD (which my tape player does) isn't a job that will take a year, but more like a weekend or two. MUCH more manageable! We're only keeping stuff that you can't even get on YouTube. That really narrows it down! We already have literally HUNDREDS of old VHS tapes in boxes by the front door AND the donation center takes them! That's a big tax deduction right there! And a lot more room in my house. I also cleared off and CLEANED off (so dirty and dusty under there!) my kitchen table so that I can use it right now. I just got a BIG bunch of spices, some of which I want to put up into Ball canning jars and label nicely. I can even vacuum seal them with my Flavor Saver. I am so spoiled with all my gadgets. And I just found my wide-mouth canning funnel, so getting the spices into the jars should be a snap. I have a lot of still-bagged items out in the hobby room on the sideboard, I believe I'll do those as well.
I was telling you yesterday that I'd gone in to have tests requested by the doctor. They complained today that my triglycerides were "high" at 333.
YAY!! At one time (I believe in 2005 or so) my triglycerides were a whopping 2706 and normal is <150!! So I was NOT impressed with their complaints today. I have improved GREATLY in the last 13 yrs. My cholesterol (in 2005) was at 1200! But I just realized that they did not complain about my current cholesterol, so I wonder what it was. I quit all cholesterol meds back in Dec. 2017 after I began keto and watched a TON of highly scientific YouTube videos (they aren't all about dancing cats, etc) warning about cholesterol and the fear of it thereof. Remember how "bad" eggs were for you and now they are just fine to eat, yolks and all? I rest my case. And now not one peep about my cholesterol readings this time. Hmmm. HOWEVER, the doctor's office called me last night and left a message, something about "conic liver disease" being indicated in my ultrasound.
When I went to the internet, I realized that the office girl had misspoken and was trying to say chronic liver disease. I had been on a real high all day because, for the first time, I was IN KETOSIS (a VERY good thing!)(NOT ketoacidosis!!), which means I should start healing up soon from Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease (NAFLD) AND AND AND I found out WHY I am suddenly having severe gout attacks in both my feet and my left wrist. I have been (for DECADES!!) been building up uric acid deposits in my joints (painlessly and completely oblivious of it happening), but the ketones I am starting to develop due to my strict and healthy diet over these past 10 months (along with intermittent fasting of a 20:4 hr. daily fast or just eating one meal a day [OMAD]) are dissolving those uric acid deposits, loosening those razor sharp uric acid crystals right into my joints, and hence, the INCREDIBLE PAIN! The Tart Cherry capsules really do help ease the pain, especially taken with Celery Seed supplements. They also contain natural melatonin and my sleep schedule is back to normal now. YAY!! I'm also drinking approx. one gallon of water each day to flush everything out. I was SO THRILLED to realize this because I was afraid I would be asked to QUIT this WOE and I can assure you that with what I've learned from some very educated doctors and scientists I would have to absolutely REFUSE to quit this WOE!!! Then came the "5pm on Thursday after the office was closed" voice mail message from the office girl telling me that I have "chronic liver disease". I worried all night and called them the next day. They said that they don't know what is wrong, but that they need me to take an MRI and that they'd "expedite it" for me. I haven't heard word one since Friday morning until now.
==========================================(Monday)
I woke up this morning in extreme pain...AGAIN. Both feet, both hands and wrists (gout pain), and the sharp, stabbing mystery pain in my right upper quadrant (possible liver?) this time. I had not heard from the doctor's office AGAIN since Thursday (the same office that did not get me a walker to use during another bout with this pain, but claimed that they did), nor did they "expedite" me getting an open MRI. I did find out that there is NOT an open MRI in my town (which the Dr's office said that they did), but there IS one in a town approx. 20 min. by car away. (I wasn't told of that; the office girl told me that the nearest open MRI was approx. 100 miles away.
) All this pain month after month is wearing on me and is making me cry in frustration and be irritable. IT'S BEEN MONTHS! Back in Aug., my doctor diagnosed me with "a strain in my latissimus dorsi" (a back muscle) even though I told him no, that that could NOT have been it. My next visit he claimed that it was pleurisy and pneumonia and gave me STRONG prescription meds for that even though even he claimed that he could hear no problems in my lungs. WHAT???? I am REALLY tired of these incompetent "health care" Keystone Cops!! I just want to make it until the first of the year so I can get back to my former doctor (and beloved friend) and his group. I've already made the appointment for Jan. 3rd 2019 and I can hardly wait.BTW, I ended up making my own appt. for the open MRI for October 26th. I hope to find out what this PAIN is in my upper right back. I'm scared, but if it's just liver disease, that can be improved. All this waiting is making me feel depressed, but I need to find out and fix the problem. The gout, as I now understand it, is feeling bad due to the improvement of my health: the uric acid bundles that have been lurking painlessly for many years in my joints are now being released (VERY painfully!) due to my keto WOE. So I guess I have to just bear with it until it all clears up. I'm drinking lots of water.
My hands are hurting a lot right now. Better stop and give them a rest.
Honeybera
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wolfspirit
- Member
- Posts: 1704
- Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:56 pm
Re: Letting go
honeybera,
I'm sure it's frustrating to have the "experts" not help with the source of the back pain. I hope the MRI has some answers.
Glad to hear some things are stabilizing- like sleep schedule.
Sorry you had the church-camp trigger and had to relive that horrible fear and powerlessness.
I'm glad you were able to see it for what it was and bounce back to your loving, positive self.
Reading along and sending gentle hugs,
ws
I'm sure it's frustrating to have the "experts" not help with the source of the back pain. I hope the MRI has some answers.
Glad to hear some things are stabilizing- like sleep schedule.
Sorry you had the church-camp trigger and had to relive that horrible fear and powerlessness.
I'm glad you were able to see it for what it was and bounce back to your loving, positive self.
Reading along and sending gentle hugs,
ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi
Rumi
-
Fleur
- Member
- Posts: 13378
- Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am
Re: Letting go
Hello Honeybera
So, what I'm hearing, reading, is that the gout pain is in a sense helpful as it heals your body? Drinking a gallon of water daily will assist cleansing process - please spread out your consumption. Two glasses (approx 250ml size) every few hours or one glass per hour is plenty for your body to handle and manage beautifully
Glad cherry and celery seed capsules ease some of the ouch
You would be delighted about your blood test results. OK, still higher than so-called normal, but so very much lower than in 2005. I trust that they didn't mention cholesterol levels because they are now within acceptable range
Great that you booked in for an MRI scan later this month. May it reveal the source of your pain
Am shaking my head metaphorically speaking about Dr misdiagnoses - am supposing results can be sent to your "new" Dr in January?
You've done a LOT of hard effort with your son to get motivated and keep on clearing, sorting, cleaning. Am impressed you simply killed the spider
Thank you for responding to my queries
May all be well with you, son, dogs and those things which are important to you
Much caring
So, what I'm hearing, reading, is that the gout pain is in a sense helpful as it heals your body? Drinking a gallon of water daily will assist cleansing process - please spread out your consumption. Two glasses (approx 250ml size) every few hours or one glass per hour is plenty for your body to handle and manage beautifully
Glad cherry and celery seed capsules ease some of the ouch
You would be delighted about your blood test results. OK, still higher than so-called normal, but so very much lower than in 2005. I trust that they didn't mention cholesterol levels because they are now within acceptable range
Great that you booked in for an MRI scan later this month. May it reveal the source of your pain
Am shaking my head metaphorically speaking about Dr misdiagnoses - am supposing results can be sent to your "new" Dr in January?
You've done a LOT of hard effort with your son to get motivated and keep on clearing, sorting, cleaning. Am impressed you simply killed the spider
Thank you for responding to my queries
May all be well with you, son, dogs and those things which are important to you
Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
-
honeybera
- Member
- Posts: 1327
- Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am
Re: Letting go
I'm so glad that I have all of you!! Last night DS came in from work as a security guard and said "he was tired". While he had worked, I had read an email he'd sent me re: a keto bread recipe some time ago. I'd had a lousy day all day, waking up with an upper respiratory infection (a cold with a stuffy nose and coughing) and a sparkly ring in both eye's field of vision...really weird. I gratefully fell back to sleep for a few hours, and woke up, but figured I'd just take it easy, maybe play some videogames. But NOTHING worked for me and I ended up screwing up my videogame account that I've had for about 15 yrs. I had added $25 to my account, but it didn't show up in the Cash Shop where it should have registered. It was just a lousy day where nothing worked. NO videogames. NO NOTHING! Even the TV kept screwing up and the picture would just blank out on me or it would say I had no DVR or no service!! These things make life bearable when troubles and hurt come into my life and they comfort me as they pass or resolve. It staves off depression for me. To lose them is traumatizing! And when I got up from sleeping, DS wasn't even here, but he'd said that he may go to a favorite Thursday night hangout about 100 miles from here to see his friends for his birthday, so I figured that that's where he was. Later on I got a text saying that he'd been called into work (he's part time, on call) and that he was there already. [???] I was confused, but accepted that.
So I was entertaining myself reading the recipe for keto bread that DS had emailed to me. And I found another one on the same site for a Keto Bread Mix and Keto MIM (muffin in a minute). It's really easy to make and looks like it may be a really good solution for DS to make for his nearly daily burgers as a bun. So I sat down and wrote it all out for my cookbook, Honeybera style, on Word, pictures and all. It looked great and I was so proud of it and myself and I couldn't wait to share it with DS when he got home from work around 1am. And there's the rub. I made the HORRIBLE MISTAKE of saying something about it. I tried to show him what I'd made up for my recipe book. I tried to show him the YouTube video for this particular recipe when my computer began to lag and not load quickly. He was standing by my shoulder as I tried to get this video loaded - and then I looked up at his stony, angry face. I asked him what was wrong and he just glared at me without speaking a word to me. He would not say a WORD to me! He finally said that he was tired, REALLY TIRED, and he turned and went to his room and shut the door.
I do NOT try to EVER make him angry. I realize that he is my lifeline in my SUPER ISOLATED world, the only live human being I ever get to see!!!!! And this is not the first time that I have seen this furious, seething face of his recently. When I ask him what is wrong, I just get that icy stare! No matter how kind I am or how I do ANYTHING, IT WILL BE WRONG! And that triggered me back into how it was with MD. I have been crying ever since.
He's all nice to me today, but now I am angry. AND HURT! I am realizing just how fragile my life is. I have no mother, I have no brother, my father is dead, my oldest son is 1500 miles away, and I am estranged from my "bipolar" daughter. Even dear cousin R, who ends each call I make to him with "I love you", has not called ME since last Halloween. I COULD NOT BE MORE ALONE! My skin crawls every time I hear about how "precious" family is on TV. I'm not churchy at all. And as an autistic, I have a hard time really feeling friendships, especially acquaintances. My friend D actually died, and N is a goner, too (figuratively). I know, I know...then just get out and fraternize, like take a class or go to the Senior Center and meet some new people. I can barely get myself out the front door right now. I have a car that just sits in the driveway. And I have things to do in the front room, etc. for sorting, donating, etc. BUT THEN THERE'S THE PHYSICAL PAIN I'VE HAD LATELY!
And are these just excuses? "I can't because..." I honestly don't know. Such constant and variable PAIN and to not know the reason for it is wearing on me. Month after month!
It does sort of feel like I used to with MD. That panicky feeling, the trapped feeling, the feeling that I can do no right and no matter what I do, it will be WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!! Even that I PERSONALLY am "WRONG"!! That I am INCAPABLE of doing anything BUT WRONG! That I am DOOMED to FAIL!! That I am inherently LESS THAN, AND that it's because that I am LESS of a person AND INCAPABLE AND UNDESERVING of love. MD LOVED to tell me that, over and over!! "If you were just ____, you just MIGHT be ok, BUT YOU'RE NOT!! AND NEVER WILL BE!!" That stony face of my DS's really hit a nerve in me DEEPLY! I've seen it before...so many times, but not on him. To see it on him is just within the last couple of weeks, BUT IT PANICS ME. And I have no idea what's eating him.
It's hard to be so faithful to my WOE and yet not have the results that SO MANY OTHERS are having!! The websites and YouTube videos all recommend "finding a group" who are also doing keto...but WHERE?? And if I don't do keto, WHERE ELSE DO I GO???? How else should I eat? Back to the sugars and grains and starches?? I once believed that whole grains and LOW FAT were good for me, but now I see just how much of a lie I was believing!! Am I too far gone? Do I have liver cancer or lung cancer? I AM AFRAID OF THAT MRI'S RESULTS! But I also welcome it.
================================
I may just have AGORAPHOBIA. Makes sense. I hate to even go outside to water my garden anymore. I stay in my room mostly. I HATE to go outside in the front of my house. And DS oftentimes gets sent to the store in my stead. I give him a list of what I want to his iPhone. I hate to go anywhere anymore.
Here is some of what it says about agoraphobia (Googled):
I do have a history of panic attacks back in 1984, one year before I got my commercial driver's license (in a big rig! ) and 4 yrs. before I began to drive a transit bus! I was told that these attacks were permanent and incurable. Well, nuts to that! I refused all their meds to "solve" my problems, which included frequent trips to the ER for "heart attacks" (which were only these panic attacks). The worst of it were my "feelings of impending doom", but the shortness of breath and tingling down my left arm and hand were no picnic either! Very scary! I overcame these attacks by using "relaxation techniques" every time I would feel the panic and impending doom feelings begin. I would lay down immediately on the couch and stroke my face lovingly with my hand, reassuring myself that I was alright and NOT having a heart attack. Then I would do my "tense and relax" routine and allow myself to drift off to sleep if it felt right to do so, and it usually did. After my nap, I would be fine again until the next one. Eventually the frequency of these attacks slowed and then just went away. YAY! So much for their assumed "permanence"!
================================
I just decided to ask DS to come into my room to clear the air and he was as eager to talk as I was. [GOOD!] It seems that we both had had TERRIBLY AWFUL days yesterday. We're back to normal again...thank God! My videogame is fixed now and I'm going to make that bread mix so he can make bread in about 70 seconds by adding melted butter and an egg to ¼ cup of the previously prepared dry mix by me. Great recipe...truly!
It ended up being not my fault at all, although I was more than eager to take the blame for everything and cry and withdraw. Perhaps this will help us communicate with one another better. We both need to be more open. We'll learn.
I have housework to do: I have a chuck roast awaiting my attention and some dishes to do and...OMG! FEED THE DOGS! Thanks for being with me this far.
====================================
The pot roast (with keto gravy - YUM!) was delicious, the dogs are fed, and I just found DS's former T (he's been asking for one that takes Medicare since he's on it, too). This may help a lot. This is the T that first diagnosed DS with autism when he was 14 yr. old. DS likes this guy a lot. Here's hoping!
Time to sleep...if I conk out now I should be able to get up tomorrow by noon-ish. PERFECT! For MY OWN therapy, I plan to just GO OUTSIDE in the front with the weedeater in hand, fresh battery in place - not to do any weedeating, but just to BE THERE. [I know me. I will begin to weedeat - and since we have a neighbor who is selling their home with a realtor, we'd better knock down those weeds before they call the city lady on us again. I call that "incentive". ] It just struck me that on our street we are now the last of the original owners. Best investment I've ever made though! My home has nearly tripled in value over these past 18 years, even with the horrible "recession" during the Bush (W) years. I never refinanced but once, and that was to bring my interest rates from 8.5% down to 5.5% (a great rate in 2003!). And we never bought a Cadillac Escalade or something like it to grace our driveway by mortgaging our house as much as we would have been able to in those wild financial days. Many of my now long-gone neighbors did - and most lost their homes because of it. We were never "underwater", not even once!
The plan for tomorrow goes first with the front yard cleanup, and then into the backyard and fertilize and water nicely. I also want to start my winter garden now. Winters are fairly mild here and this is not a late start...yet. I want to try my hand at Brussels Sprouts and Broccoli and Spinach and Carrots (both purple and regular orange), and even some cabbage (first time for all of these veggies). I want to tidy up the yard area that I look at every day out of my Window on the World (WOW) so I can better enjoy the view. I'll be moving my grow pots so that they get lots of sun in the dog's yard and sowing my carrot seeds. I'm also filling the last raised bed (#3) and planting some spinach to start. I also had DS switch my grow lights around tonight for some Brussels Sprout and Broccoli seedlings that I want to plant tomorrow. That should give me a lift in spirits, too. I have to knock off this isolationism that I've been embracing. It's simply not good for me. I can still do my cleaning and cooking and sorting out, but at the same time try to overcome this debilitating isolation.
Off to bed now! Sweet dreams for all of you!
Honeybera
So I was entertaining myself reading the recipe for keto bread that DS had emailed to me. And I found another one on the same site for a Keto Bread Mix and Keto MIM (muffin in a minute). It's really easy to make and looks like it may be a really good solution for DS to make for his nearly daily burgers as a bun. So I sat down and wrote it all out for my cookbook, Honeybera style, on Word, pictures and all. It looked great and I was so proud of it and myself and I couldn't wait to share it with DS when he got home from work around 1am. And there's the rub. I made the HORRIBLE MISTAKE of saying something about it. I tried to show him what I'd made up for my recipe book. I tried to show him the YouTube video for this particular recipe when my computer began to lag and not load quickly. He was standing by my shoulder as I tried to get this video loaded - and then I looked up at his stony, angry face. I asked him what was wrong and he just glared at me without speaking a word to me. He would not say a WORD to me! He finally said that he was tired, REALLY TIRED, and he turned and went to his room and shut the door.
I do NOT try to EVER make him angry. I realize that he is my lifeline in my SUPER ISOLATED world, the only live human being I ever get to see!!!!! And this is not the first time that I have seen this furious, seething face of his recently. When I ask him what is wrong, I just get that icy stare! No matter how kind I am or how I do ANYTHING, IT WILL BE WRONG! And that triggered me back into how it was with MD. I have been crying ever since.
He's all nice to me today, but now I am angry. AND HURT! I am realizing just how fragile my life is. I have no mother, I have no brother, my father is dead, my oldest son is 1500 miles away, and I am estranged from my "bipolar" daughter. Even dear cousin R, who ends each call I make to him with "I love you", has not called ME since last Halloween. I COULD NOT BE MORE ALONE! My skin crawls every time I hear about how "precious" family is on TV. I'm not churchy at all. And as an autistic, I have a hard time really feeling friendships, especially acquaintances. My friend D actually died, and N is a goner, too (figuratively). I know, I know...then just get out and fraternize, like take a class or go to the Senior Center and meet some new people. I can barely get myself out the front door right now. I have a car that just sits in the driveway. And I have things to do in the front room, etc. for sorting, donating, etc. BUT THEN THERE'S THE PHYSICAL PAIN I'VE HAD LATELY!
And are these just excuses? "I can't because..." I honestly don't know. Such constant and variable PAIN and to not know the reason for it is wearing on me. Month after month!
It does sort of feel like I used to with MD. That panicky feeling, the trapped feeling, the feeling that I can do no right and no matter what I do, it will be WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!! Even that I PERSONALLY am "WRONG"!! That I am INCAPABLE of doing anything BUT WRONG! That I am DOOMED to FAIL!! That I am inherently LESS THAN, AND that it's because that I am LESS of a person AND INCAPABLE AND UNDESERVING of love. MD LOVED to tell me that, over and over!! "If you were just ____, you just MIGHT be ok, BUT YOU'RE NOT!! AND NEVER WILL BE!!" That stony face of my DS's really hit a nerve in me DEEPLY! I've seen it before...so many times, but not on him. To see it on him is just within the last couple of weeks, BUT IT PANICS ME. And I have no idea what's eating him.
It's hard to be so faithful to my WOE and yet not have the results that SO MANY OTHERS are having!! The websites and YouTube videos all recommend "finding a group" who are also doing keto...but WHERE?? And if I don't do keto, WHERE ELSE DO I GO???? How else should I eat? Back to the sugars and grains and starches?? I once believed that whole grains and LOW FAT were good for me, but now I see just how much of a lie I was believing!! Am I too far gone? Do I have liver cancer or lung cancer? I AM AFRAID OF THAT MRI'S RESULTS! But I also welcome it.
================================
I may just have AGORAPHOBIA. Makes sense. I hate to even go outside to water my garden anymore. I stay in my room mostly. I HATE to go outside in the front of my house. And DS oftentimes gets sent to the store in my stead. I give him a list of what I want to his iPhone. I hate to go anywhere anymore.
Here is some of what it says about agoraphobia (Googled):
I always thought agoraphobia was just a fear of like leaving home. Nope, apparently it's much more than that! And if the "cure" is "challenging, SO BE IT. And bring it on! I've been to Ts before for a lot less defined problem than this!Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. ... Agoraphobia treatment can be challenging because it usually means confronting your fears.
Agoraphobia often develops after having one or more panic attacks.
It can lead to various fears, such as the fear of open spaces and the fear of places where escape is difficult, such as elevators.
Agoraphobia can make it difficult for a person to leave their house.
I do have a history of panic attacks back in 1984, one year before I got my commercial driver's license (in a big rig!
) and 4 yrs. before I began to drive a transit bus! I was told that these attacks were permanent and incurable. Well, nuts to that! I refused all their meds to "solve" my problems, which included frequent trips to the ER for "heart attacks" (which were only these panic attacks). The worst of it were my "feelings of impending doom", but the shortness of breath and tingling down my left arm and hand were no picnic either! Very scary! I overcame these attacks by using "relaxation techniques" every time I would feel the panic and impending doom feelings begin. I would lay down immediately on the couch and stroke my face lovingly with my hand, reassuring myself that I was alright and NOT having a heart attack. Then I would do my "tense and relax" routine and allow myself to drift off to sleep if it felt right to do so, and it usually did. After my nap, I would be fine again until the next one. Eventually the frequency of these attacks slowed and then just went away. YAY! So much for their assumed "permanence"! ================================
I just decided to ask DS to come into my room to clear the air and he was as eager to talk as I was. [GOOD!] It seems that we both had had TERRIBLY AWFUL days yesterday. We're back to normal again...thank God! My videogame is fixed now and I'm going to make that bread mix so he can make bread in about 70 seconds by adding melted butter and an egg to ¼ cup of the previously prepared dry mix by me. Great recipe...truly!
It ended up being not my fault at all, although I was more than eager to take the blame for everything and cry and withdraw. Perhaps this will help us communicate with one another better. We both need to be more open. We'll learn.
I have housework to do: I have a chuck roast awaiting my attention and some dishes to do and...OMG! FEED THE DOGS! Thanks for being with me this far.
====================================
The pot roast (with keto gravy - YUM!) was delicious, the dogs are fed, and I just found DS's former T (he's been asking for one that takes Medicare since he's on it, too). This may help a lot. This is the T that first diagnosed DS with autism when he was 14 yr. old. DS likes this guy a lot. Here's hoping!
Time to sleep...if I conk out now I should be able to get up tomorrow by noon-ish. PERFECT! For MY OWN therapy, I plan to just GO OUTSIDE in the front with the weedeater in hand, fresh battery in place - not to do any weedeating, but just to BE THERE. [I know me. I will begin to weedeat - and since we have a neighbor who is selling their home with a realtor, we'd better knock down those weeds before they call the city lady on us again. I call that "incentive".
] It just struck me that on our street we are now the last of the original owners. Best investment I've ever made though! My home has nearly tripled in value over these past 18 years, even with the horrible "recession" during the Bush (W) years. I never refinanced but once, and that was to bring my interest rates from 8.5% down to 5.5% (a great rate in 2003!). And we never bought a Cadillac Escalade or something like it to grace our driveway by mortgaging our house as much as we would have been able to in those wild financial days. Many of my now long-gone neighbors did - and most lost their homes because of it. We were never "underwater", not even once!The plan for tomorrow goes first with the front yard cleanup, and then into the backyard and fertilize and water nicely. I also want to start my winter garden now. Winters are fairly mild here and this is not a late start...yet. I want to try my hand at Brussels Sprouts and Broccoli and Spinach and Carrots (both purple and regular orange), and even some cabbage (first time for all of these veggies). I want to tidy up the yard area that I look at every day out of my Window on the World (WOW) so I can better enjoy the view. I'll be moving my grow pots so that they get lots of sun in the dog's yard and sowing my carrot seeds. I'm also filling the last raised bed (#3) and planting some spinach to start. I also had DS switch my grow lights around tonight for some Brussels Sprout and Broccoli seedlings that I want to plant tomorrow. That should give me a lift in spirits, too. I have to knock off this isolationism that I've been embracing. It's simply not good for me. I can still do my cleaning and cooking and sorting out, but at the same time try to overcome this debilitating isolation.
Off to bed now! Sweet dreams for all of you!
Honeybera
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Fleur
- Member
- Posts: 13378
- Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am
Re: Letting go
Hello Honeybera
Some of what you share resonates with me - I have a cat rather than a son, easier to choose being inside than to venture out, play endless phone games and - huge sigh - promised self would finally do dishes today (but only restacked so far)
Glad you and son talked to clear the air
Something of which to be proud as you kept house and are one of the last "original" people in your street
You really have done very well my friend. You've overcome so much
May your winter garden thrive
Much caring
Some of what you share resonates with me - I have a cat rather than a son, easier to choose being inside than to venture out, play endless phone games and - huge sigh - promised self would finally do dishes today (but only restacked so far)
Glad you and son talked to clear the air
Something of which to be proud as you kept house and are one of the last "original" people in your street
You really have done very well my friend. You've overcome so much
May your winter garden thrive
Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
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wolfspirit
- Member
- Posts: 1704
- Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:56 pm
Re: Letting go
Hello, honeybera
Glad to read that things are comfortable again in your house with your son. Props to you for reaching out and wanting to figure out how to get things back to feeling connected. That's not easy to do.
I'm hoping that spending a little time outside will help with this panic/anxiety you're feeling. It's a good idea.
I'm trying to do that with spending time in the classroom.
Happy planting for winter harvests <3
ws
Glad to read that things are comfortable again in your house with your son. Props to you for reaching out and wanting to figure out how to get things back to feeling connected. That's not easy to do.
I'm hoping that spending a little time outside will help with this panic/anxiety you're feeling. It's a good idea.
I'm trying to do that with spending time in the classroom.
Happy planting for winter harvests <3
ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi
Rumi
-
honeybera
- Member
- Posts: 1327
- Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am
Re: Letting go
My deepest ♥love♥ to you both!! (I hope that's ok to say.) I am so grateful for your abiding friendship with me.
I have some really good news. I may have found a couple of new Ts, one for DS and one for me. I found them on a website while I was researching the word Agoraphobia. We can contact them on Monday. I have great hopes for this. DS just had his birthday, yet I did not see him all day (sleep, work, etc.) so I sent him a text wishing him a happy birthday. His response? "No one else even wished me a happy birthday." I texted him back, "Please know that I love you with all my heart!" How dreadful it must feel to think that no one cares about your birthday. Even his father missed yet another birthday this year. So I hope that this T (that DS has seen before and who got the "autism" ball rolling some 17 years ago) will give him some hope and direction and solid guidance. This "birthday treatment" would discourage anyone! His loneliness is intense.
I can see no reason that he's not chosen by others. He's very nice looking, even tempered, fair to others...just a nice guy. Perhaps he can find some sort of answer with his "new" male T, someone he can relate to and who takes his insurance (which this T blessedly does). So fingers crossed for DS.
The one I have chosen is only a few blocks in the other direction from DS's, but both are within a mile from my house. This T is a middle aged lady who deals in precisely what I'm going through. I want help in several areas: help in truly "letting go" of MD (the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference), help with my isolation and depression and PTSD, and perhaps some mental guidance as I sort through my house, etc. and the issues that that brings up. I'll keep you posted...
Heck, they even sound doable to ME! I wish I had a nickel for every good idea/plan I've ever had. Maybe this new T will help me to accomplish more. I sure hope so. I'll still keep making plans, though. ws, what classroom (if ok to ask)? BTW, the only panic that came was from the sudden realization I got of what a house of cards I have built around DS. One card moved and the entire thing could come crashing down. I only have Plan A. No Plan B exists, and that's enough to certainly (if not out and out panic) decide immediately to form a Plan B...and maybe even a Plan C or D, etc. I literally have no friends. They're either dead or in a cult. I have no one's phone number listed nor do I have anyone to call and talk to. NOT ONE. DS is the same way. I believe it has a lot to do with the autism. We are extremely high functioning and most people cannot tell that we're autistic. There's also the fact that we're all gifted in one way or another, with DS being the most gifted of all of us. I think that the autism was passed from my father to me and db to our kids. They don't even have a pigeon hole for us; we're PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified).
OMG! Looking up PDD-NOS, I read one statement about this form of autism:
I often thought that "rude" to them was another way of saying that they weren't going to get their way - and I still believe that that may have had a lot to do with it.
One of the things I'm going to talk to my T about is connecting with "groups" whose focus is veggie gardening OR Ketogenic WOEs. That would be right up my alley. Even watching my YouTube videos is helping me get that "fire in the belly" for gardening again. I can also see many areas that I have gone wrong in and how I can change that for next season. I've never used grow lights before last year, so this is all a learning experience for me.
I have also decided that this next summer I am going to plant only THREE 30 gallon Smart Pots of THREE varieties of tomatoes...PERIOD! The varieties are: 1. Sungold (a VERY prolific orange cherry tomato) 2. White Cherry tomatoes (They are more like a creamy yellow color.) 3. A nice BEEFSTEAK "slicer" tomato. That's IT! No more than that. They will be going out into the dog's yard in the intense sun. It frees up the area by the back fence near the raised beds to plant my remaining apple and pear trees which have survived this year underfoot in tubs.
I also need to find a home for my yellow Anne raspberries that I threw into a plastic half barrel for the summer just to keep them alive and my surviving Bushel and Berry™ Raspberry Shortcake™ (probably over in the dog's yard as well). I'm thinking that I can place them into the big 30 gallon Smart Bags filled with potting soil + all the proper fix-ins, including acid loving soil fertilizers to enrich the soil + worm castings and maybe even some worms to boot. I also have two blueberry plants - one that is thriving and even bore some very tasty blueberries last summer and one that is still alive and NEEDS TO BE RE-POTTED SO MUCH from what I studied on YouTube tonight. I need to find a nice shady home for my fuchsias, too (right outside my WOW ). I am finally understanding what needs to be done with my plants and how to do it.
"Thinning them out" has always been torturous for me to do. What if I pick the wrong one to pluck out of the ground? Who am I to play God?? If they went to all the trouble of "being born", who am I to make the decision of who's to live and who's to die?? But tonight I saw a detailed video of a man "taking care of" his nicely healthy plants...and he just picked the biggest one to thrive and plucked out all the rest - and I saw the logic in those choices for the first time in my life.
Better health for the remaining plants and better production from them, too. It was not being cruel to the remaining plants. I NEVER want to be cruel EVER! But thinning them out and making those choices is not only ok to do, but NECESSARY. And I need to learn to TAKE TIME TO TRANSFER my little seedlings into larger pots when that becomes necessary. And then to "harden" my tender seedlings, too, (take them outside for a couple of hours before to allow them to adapt to the more harsh outdoors and do this repeatedly for about a week or more) and then to PLANT THEM when it's time. I have really begun to learn just how necessary it is to LISTEN to Mother Nature and to go by her schedule and demands and not try to force a more convenient time for me to do whatever. I got it! All guilt is gone. This is going to make me a better gardener, I just know it.
I'm going to look for a few plastic containers to place my seedling plugs into - or perhaps I'll just do what I did last year (with summer plants) and plant my brassicas in 4" pots and place them in little plastic small soup bowls as watering cups and see how that goes. I'm supposed to water my plants from the bottom instead of watering their tops. Oh, I just remembered that I have some disposable 8" square aluminum baking pans that I was going to donate that would perfectly fit the bill here. Waste not, want not.
I'd better knock off and go to bed now. Life is seeming brighter again.
Honeybera
I have some really good news. I may have found a couple of new Ts, one for DS and one for me. I found them on a website while I was researching the word Agoraphobia.
We can contact them on Monday. I have great hopes for this. DS just had his birthday, yet I did not see him all day (sleep, work, etc.) so I sent him a text wishing him a happy birthday. His response? "No one else even wished me a happy birthday." I texted him back, "Please know that I love you with all my heart!" How dreadful it must feel to think that no one cares about your birthday. Even his father missed yet another birthday this year. So I hope that this T (that DS has seen before and who got the "autism" ball rolling some 17 years ago) will give him some hope and direction and solid guidance. This "birthday treatment" would discourage anyone! His loneliness is intense.I can see no reason that he's not chosen by others. He's very nice looking, even tempered, fair to others...just a nice guy. Perhaps he can find some sort of answer with his "new" male T, someone he can relate to and who takes his insurance (which this T blessedly does). So fingers crossed for DS.
The one I have chosen is only a few blocks in the other direction from DS's, but both are within a mile from my house. This T is a middle aged lady who deals in precisely what I'm going through. I want help in several areas: help in truly "letting go" of MD (the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference), help with my isolation and depression and PTSD, and perhaps some mental guidance as I sort through my house, etc. and the issues that that brings up. I'll keep you posted...
wolfspirit wrote: ↑Sun Oct 21, 2018 1:53 am Glad to read that things are comfortable again in your house with your son. Props to you for reaching out and wanting to figure out how to get things back to feeling connected. That's not easy to do.
It was SO well worth it! Especially when he shared with me about how no one wished him a happy birthday...and he listed them in the texts for me: his father, his sister, his brother, MD (his GM), and even his uncle/aunt (my brother and SIL)...ALL had ignored him. We don't even get phone calls or invites for b'd parties or holidays. Only my cousin R invites us for his favorite holiday: Halloween (he really goes all out for it!) - I wonder why he doesn't call us for Thanksgiving or Xmas? Oh well. I'll tell you what: if DS and I squabble with each other, we'll have no one. Burying the hatchet with him was good for both of us. It's not just me that gets shunned; it's both of us. Even his dad's side of the family does it. It must really hurt him. I know that it hurts me.
I wish I was as good about fulfilling my "tomorrow" plans as I sound while making them.wolfspirit wrote: ↑Sun Oct 21, 2018 1:53 am I'm hoping that spending a little time outside will help with this panic/anxiety you're feeling. It's a good idea.
I'm trying to do that with spending time in the classroom.
Heck, they even sound doable to ME! I wish I had a nickel for every good idea/plan I've ever had. Maybe this new T will help me to accomplish more. I sure hope so. I'll still keep making plans, though. ws, what classroom (if ok to ask)? BTW, the only panic that came was from the sudden realization I got of what a house of cards I have built around DS. One card moved and the entire thing could come crashing down. I only have Plan A. No Plan B exists, and that's enough to certainly (if not out and out panic) decide immediately to form a Plan B...and maybe even a Plan C or D, etc. I literally have no friends. They're either dead or in a cult. I have no one's phone number listed nor do I have anyone to call and talk to. NOT ONE. DS is the same way. I believe it has a lot to do with the autism. We are extremely high functioning and most people cannot tell that we're autistic. There's also the fact that we're all gifted in one way or another, with DS being the most gifted of all of us. I think that the autism was passed from my father to me and db to our kids. They don't even have a pigeon hole for us; we're PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified).OMG! Looking up PDD-NOS, I read one statement about this form of autism:
I wonder how I made it though over 25 yrs. as a transit bus driver! I remember occasional angry passengers telling me that I was "rude" while I was flummoxed by their own bad behavior that they were aiming at me with both barrels and their obvious poor perception of me and my "rude" behavior. I thought I was being very nice. Was I? Or was I inadvertently behaving in a "rude" manner in their eyes? Oh my.Reading/understanding social situations and being perceived as ‘rude’ by others.
I often thought that "rude" to them was another way of saying that they weren't going to get their way - and I still believe that that may have had a lot to do with it.Oh thank you!! I think I may just need to push myself a bit. I have two 4' long by 18" wide shelves with grow lights in them and I can plant my Brussels Sprouts soonish, along with the other veggies (carrots, broccoli, cabbage, and cauliflower) directly sown outside...WELL, MAYBE. I just watched a whole bunch of videos re: planting seedlings INSIDE and transplanting them after "thinning" them and exactly how to do all of that properly. All of my desired winter garden veggies (except the carrots) can easily be done this way. I am learning SO MUCH!
One of the things I'm going to talk to my T about is connecting with "groups" whose focus is veggie gardening OR Ketogenic WOEs. That would be right up my alley. Even watching my YouTube videos is helping me get that "fire in the belly" for gardening again. I can also see many areas that I have gone wrong in and how I can change that for next season. I've never used grow lights before last year, so this is all a learning experience for me.
I have also decided that this next summer I am going to plant only THREE 30 gallon Smart Pots of THREE varieties of tomatoes...PERIOD! The varieties are: 1. Sungold (a VERY prolific orange cherry tomato) 2. White Cherry tomatoes (They are more like a creamy yellow color.) 3. A nice BEEFSTEAK "slicer" tomato. That's IT! No more than that. They will be going out into the dog's yard in the intense sun. It frees up the area by the back fence near the raised beds to plant my remaining apple and pear trees which have survived this year underfoot in tubs.
I also need to find a home for my yellow Anne raspberries that I threw into a plastic half barrel for the summer just to keep them alive and my surviving Bushel and Berry™ Raspberry Shortcake™ (probably over in the dog's yard as well). I'm thinking that I can place them into the big 30 gallon Smart Bags filled with potting soil + all the proper fix-ins, including acid loving soil fertilizers to enrich the soil + worm castings and maybe even some worms to boot. I also have two blueberry plants - one that is thriving and even bore some very tasty blueberries last summer
and one that is still alive and NEEDS TO BE RE-POTTED SO MUCH from what I studied on YouTube tonight. I need to find a nice shady home for my fuchsias, too (right outside my WOW ). I am finally understanding what needs to be done with my plants and how to do it."Thinning them out" has always been torturous for me to do. What if I pick the wrong one to pluck out of the ground? Who am I to play God?? If they went to all the trouble of "being born", who am I to make the decision of who's to live and who's to die?? But tonight I saw a detailed video of a man "taking care of" his nicely healthy plants...and he just picked the biggest one to thrive and plucked out all the rest - and I saw the logic in those choices for the first time in my life.
Better health for the remaining plants and better production from them, too. It was not being cruel to the remaining plants. I NEVER want to be cruel EVER! But thinning them out and making those choices is not only ok to do, but NECESSARY. And I need to learn to TAKE TIME TO TRANSFER my little seedlings into larger pots when that becomes necessary. And then to "harden" my tender seedlings, too, (take them outside for a couple of hours before to allow them to adapt to the more harsh outdoors and do this repeatedly for about a week or more) and then to PLANT THEM when it's time. I have really begun to learn just how necessary it is to LISTEN to Mother Nature and to go by her schedule and demands and not try to force a more convenient time for me to do whatever. I got it! All guilt is gone. This is going to make me a better gardener, I just know it.I'm going to look for a few plastic containers to place my seedling plugs into - or perhaps I'll just do what I did last year (with summer plants) and plant my brassicas in 4" pots and place them in little plastic small soup bowls as watering cups and see how that goes. I'm supposed to water my plants from the bottom instead of watering their tops. Oh, I just remembered that I have some disposable 8" square aluminum baking pans that I was going to donate that would perfectly fit the bill here. Waste not, want not.
I'd better knock off and go to bed now. Life is seeming brighter again.
Honeybera