Letting go

[dancingfish]

Oh honeybera, so sorry to hear that. :( She sounded wonderful, and you had a very close bond with her. The vet place sounds terrible, so unfeeling and discourteous. How would you know what was happening? I think you took very good care of her, as best as you could do.

Sorry to hear your neighbours have been so cruel too, why on earth would someone do that?! >:| Eurgh.

I'll be thinking of you, wishing you well. It's sad, such loss, though the memories and times they gave us are something we can treasure. Share here all you need. Hope you can find some rest soon, take care and look after yourself. We need room and time for grief, have all that you need. Best wishes to you.

[honeybera]

Thank you both so much for those kind words!!!

The vet place sounds terrible, so unfeeling and discourteous. How would you know what was happening? I think you took very good care of her, as best as you could do.

I did. And I guess it's my own guilty conscience that I just didn't KNOW, and yet tried to do my BEST to care for her. Had I only KNOWN. On the way to the vet (our vet wasn't there - this was a substitute vet I didn't know), Butterbutt made some strange noises, sort of like a cross between a howl and a deep moan, noises I'd never heard her make before, and as she was gently being held by DS as I drove, she looked right at me and made these eerie sounds, like she was trying her best to communicate to me.

I had my son come in to my room (my room of terrible isolation and now grief) this morning, both for support for me and comfort for him, and I saw him cry for the first time since he was little. He shows a stoic outlook often, but he is tender inside, believe me. He hugged both of our remaining sister dogs and then he even hugged me.

I hope it's ok to share re: Butterbutt on here. I also reached out to my T of old, dear Dr. C, and although I have not spoken to her since Jan. '17, she warmly welcomed me (on the phone) and invited me to come for a 2 hr. session (we're both retired) at her home, some 100 miles away once she returns there from her current trip that she's on. I'm taking DS with me, too. She knows and understands loss. Her "retirement" home on the coast burned to the ground in a forest fire shortly before she was to retire there. She had to grieve that home and develop a new one, the one I am about to go visit for the first time. We both (DS and I) have lots to share with her.

I'm planning to clean out the dog's inside pen so my remaining dogs can have a MUCH more comfortable place to escape the terrible heat outside. I keep saying that I will do it, but never do. I believe that I will do the homage to Butterbutt's memory. I named her Butterbutt because she was the runt of the litter of 5, all females, and it was like a joke. Her adult weight was always about 4 lbs. lighter than her litter mates (6-7 lbs. instead of the 10-11 lbs of the rest of them) and due to her diminutive size, she got picked on by her 2 larger sisters...incessantly! It actually made her a bit timid with the other dogs, but she was the best of my ratters! Brave, tenacious, she could get down into a gopher or rat hole due to her size and dig them out! And she was my "licker": LICK, LICK, LICK!! I finally (recently) had taught her not to lick me with the command, "No Lick!", and she was able to accomplish it with much effort, but you could see it in her eyes how much she wanted to give me that "kiss". I actually regret that now. She was only showing me love, and I'd give the world for having her on my lap once more and being licked by her. I miss her so!!!

======================================================(nearly bedtime)

I cleaned out the dog's inside pen today, plus DS and I began the Herculean process of getting rid of MOST of the old VHS tapes, BOX AFTER BOX of them! For some reason, A) I'm not hungry at all, and B) I want to finish cleaning my house!

I also heard from N. He had called me back just as I answered Dr. C's incoming call. I didn't pick up his call, but later let him know what had happened. When he called me back today, he said we were still friends, but barely because when he needed a place to stay this time around (last May), I recommended that he not stay here because the commute is one of the worst in the country both in the morning and the afternoon. This would be a NEW JOB for him, and I was concerned that he'd have a MINIMUM of a bumper-to-bumper 3-4 hr. commute each way which could risk him being late and being terminated. He said that he chose to find a place closer, but ended up sleeping in his SUV instead and showering and stuff in the worksite bathroom (with their permission of course) - and he's still doing that months later! And now he's irked with me because I didn't let him stay here! I was trying to be kind and helpful. So he said he's going to "pay me back" by never coming here to see me again. Wow. Not what I needed just now.

And now I am getting these waves of INTENSE SADNESS and GRIEF. It's like everything stops and I'm left breathless...and then I cry. I want to hang in there. I so wish I had a good girlfriend (or several) where I could just go and get some support f2f and a cuppa. I'm sort of like Butterbutt was: a loner, enjoying my isolation...to a point! MD went to a grief support group after she and DB slipped my father that pill to "help him pass" that they got from the hospice center. Maybe I should check into finding a grief support group tomorrow. I'm also getting a root canal done tomorrow, too, and it's going to be really hot out, too, up in the triple digits. Oh goody. What fun. I'd better get to bed soon. I have to water the entire yard early tomorrow since today was 105ºF here and it's STILL hot out! If I don't water the entire garden on these HOT days, my garden will die, and I do NOT need any more death around here!

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Sending positive vibes your way

Please accept my condolences regarding the loss of Butterbutt

I sincerely hope and pray that none of your other dogs sickens as did she

Seeing Dr C as well as investigating grief and loss support locally seem great ideas


Leaving hugs

[wolfspirit]

honeybera,
I'm so sad for your loss. I could really feel that moment of Butterbutt trying to communicate with you in the car.
I'm happy that you have DS to grieve with you, and delighted that you will reconnect with Dr. C. I think the grief support group is a really good idea. Better to be proactive and take care of yourself than slip into overwhelming emotions that might interfere with your strong healing recently.

We must live in a similar climate because we've had temps up to 111 degrees the last couple of weeks. Going to the coast helps somewhat. Or up into the mountains.

Sending gentle hugs to you, DS, and your other doggies.

<3
ws

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Just a quick one. Have you heard of stitch? A friendship/dating site for over 50s. Has a discussion Re your WOE including intermittent fasting. Free to join but then has payment tiers. Read and thought of you


Wishing you and son very well this weekend

[honeybera]

Thank you, dear friends, for your condolences on our loss of Butterbutt. She was so loved, and I only hope we showed it enough to her while we were blessed with her presence. I miss her so much!!

I am really depressed. The worst thing is that I have nowhere to go with these deep feelings of loss. If you hold up your hand and make a fist, that is the number of friends that I have...literally!! I can go nowhere for comfort from a friend. I may go see my T of old, Dr. C, but that's only a maybe and will probably take a hefty amount of cash ($200 or more). I even thought of going over to see MD in my grief, but I can see how much weight I've lost in my face and body and legs already, and if MD gets the idea that I'm losing weight, she WILL attack! I just can't risk it.

I'm trying to maintain my garden (watering only even!), but can only get enough internal strength and energy once every 3 days or so, and the whole thing is wilting in 100ºF+ temps (99ºF-105ºF daily!!). Tomorrow is the day when they will cremate our little Butterbutt. I've always been kept at arm's length whenever someone has died. We don't have graveside services in our family. Even my father asked for NO service, NO memorials, and to be cremated, the first time I've ever experienced someone to be cremated. Luckily, my "family" excluded me to the point that I didn't even know it was being done until it was over, some 5 days later. But honestly, the loss of Butterbutt is much more traumatic for me than my own father, who MD kept away from me (and kept me from my brother, too) with her constant berating of me to them, and I do mean CONSTANT!

Phooey! I'm not going to give her another minute of my time.

====================================================(later)

Dear Son was invited to a birthday party this morning (for this evening ) at a restaurant and he's over there now. He ate before he went so he'd stick to our WOE (GOOD GUY!!!! PROUD OF HIM!!), but they do serve meats, so that's what he's planning on having. It's like a buffet style, and like he says, "I can always drink water." What resolve!

While he's out, I'm going to the local PetSmart with probably Spot. I never take those poor dogs out anywhere, and they do like to go. I can't handle two at once, so I'm choosing Spot tonight since poor Dot is just all a-quiver still. I'll cuddle her gently when I get back. I'm buying them the REALLY good food, that refrigerated stuff in the rolls. Poor Ms. T just isn't interested in eating...but last night she scarfed a half a roll of that stuff, really enjoyed it. She finished it tonight. So I'm going to buy some more of that, all flavors, and see how it goes. Ol' T used to be food aggressive, but no more. She's barely food-interested, so if she likes this fancy stuff, I'm buying it! I'm also going to see when my local grocery store has cheap chicken on sale (which they often do) and cook up a nice batch of "doggie-style chicken" (no onions or garlic!) just for them and freeze it in doggie-meal-sized bags. I love my dogs!!

Tonight I forced myself to water my entire (THIRSTY!!!) garden after TWO 3-DAY "droughts"! YAY for me!!! It was hard to get the gumption to get out there, but I worked so hard on my garden and I don't want to just allow my sadness to let it wither and fail. Tomorrow I'd like to fertilize, too, and chop out those darned goat-head weeds! They are thriving, and then we track in the seeds into the house and they stab our bare feet. No thanks!! So I'm doing both things (fertilizing and weeding)! And the next day, I'm planting more peppers that I've been growing inside the house on a window sill...and they're ready! So...that's for Wednesday.

I'm off to the store now. I'm SO GLAD that I have you guys to write to!!! Otherwise, this would be even more like solitary confinement with DS as my jailer and only contact. I need to ponder this situation! I need f2f friends, I think - but there is such risk in that, too. Hmm.

Honeybera

[wolfspirit]

honeybera,
Have you considered a grief and loss support group? There are probably some around you. Just hearing another's shared experience may help you.
Glad to hear that you watered your gardens. I know that is a lot of work in this heat.
Also, kudos for staying away from MD. Looking out for yourself is so important.

<3
ws

[honeybera]

Have you considered a grief and loss support group? There are probably some around you. Just hearing another's shared experience may help you.

Hi wolfspirit! And thank you. Yes, I have considered that and am currently trying to find one that wouldn't find it frivolous making this much fuss over a tiny pup like Butterbutt. It's not easy. When someone has lost a husband or wife or child, my deep sadness over the loss of my little feisty girl could be construed by them as more of an insult. But I hurt, too.

But this gets worse (and has been typical in my life): during the brutal heat in July (our hottest month with daily temps well over 100ºF!!) and on the day when little Butterbutt is to be cremated , my a/c in my house has gone out and my regular a/c company can't/won't come out until July 30th at the earliest! I found a new guy on Yelp, but they sort of sound like a "Hey, how about a NEW a/c unit right now??" type of place. I cannot deal with much more stress. I am doing my best, however. One foot in front of the other sort of thing.

I can tell you this: I would not want to be the person or persons who would try (attempt!) to bamboozle me right now! Hopefully, these highly recommended air conditioning repairmen will just do their jobs and give us our cool back. If they even start to try to fool me, one look from me should convince them to NOT try it again. I just want some cool air in here and not some long-winded spiel about optimum a/c (or worse: duct work). I've been to Niagara Falls before! But this company has said they'd come out in a couple of hours, so we'll see. This feels like a test of my determination and mettle. Perhaps I should be grateful for all this taking my mind off the cremation. I am uncomfortable with cremation. VERY uncomfortable!

On top of all this, my DS came in with a sympathy card last night sent from the vet's office, signed by everyone in the office and mailed to me. On the day before Butterbutt's cremation. Good grief!! I was going to take all 3 remaining dogs in for a wellness check, but not now. NO! I don't think that I shared on here that on Tuesday they had called us and told us to come back in and pick up Butterbutt, that she was doing much better and was stabilized, and for us to transport her to a different 24-hr. vet about 50 miles away, but when we arrived, they had us wait (while they "worked on her") and then had us come in to see a lifeless Butterbutt. So cruel! They feigned working on her for a minute or two, and then declared her dead. Who were they trying to kid? And then that damned sympathy card!! And then the coup de grace, the a/c goes out and my regular guy can't come! OY!

---------------------------------------------------

A/C guy is here. Wish me luck!

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Hopefully a/con is now back to working properly

Re grief and loss … you have only recently the loss of a dog. There is also the loss of another to Alzheimer disorder. Apart from people who might be alive but who are lost to you - it all adds up. Although I do hear you around your thinking about one dog person versus a human being - I trust there is a suitable group nearby who welcomes you if you choose to attend


Much caring

PS … definitely agree with you about your Son's dedicated party plan. Great self control

[wolfspirit]

wow! when the a/c goes out it's a nightmare. I hope the company was able to help without trying to scam you.

The vet's office is trying to overcompensate for their poor service so they can keep your other dogs as patients, I assume?
All about the dollar bill these days.

Sending cool breezes and ice chips~~

<3
ws